Chapter 14: Acquire a Spirit of Peace

September 23, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

I woke on Wednesday morning feeling refreshed for the first time in weeks. A quick glance at the clock showed I’d slept nearly eleven hours which was something I rarely, if ever, had done. I got out of bed, got a drink of water, then got dressed and went downstairs to find Lara with Rachel.

“How are you feeling?” Lara asked.

“Much better,” I replied. “I slept through the night and finally feel rested for the first time in a month.”

“Do you need breakfast?”

“Yes, but I’ll make it myself. When will Rachel want to eat?”

“Probably in about an hour,” Lara replied. “What’s your plan for the day?”

“Other than Vespers tonight, the only plan I have is to visit the dōjō and speak with Sensei Hikaru. I’ve thought about it, and I think I can manage three classes a week — Tuesday and Thursday evenings, and Saturday morning. I can make that work with band practice, which will start again on Saturday.”

“What about Rachel?”

“For Tuesday and Thursday, I’ll work things out with Serafima and Elias, as they’re going to be Rachel’s godparents. As for Saturday mornings, I think that will be a good time for Rachel to visit my in-laws. Yulia is on Valium, and until she stops taking it, I can’t trust her alone with Rachel. So long as Anna is around, everything will be fine, and I’m sure I can work that out with her.”

“You’ll leave her with your mother-in-law?”

I nodded, “Yes. My main concern is that once Yulia has become stable enough to go off the Valium, she’ll insist on caring for Rachel full-time. And you know my take on that.”

“You’re potentially going to have to walk a tightrope with her for another twenty months.”

“Not really,” I replied. “I’ve made my position clear. Honestly, I don’t think Viktor would renege on his promise to me.”

“If it’s a choice between that and his marriage?”

“Except that’s not the actual choice,” I replied. “The actual choice is being able to see their granddaughter or not. I hold ALL the cards here. First of all, you know Anicka would let me move in here if it came to that, and I have sufficient savings to cover my expenses. Yes, I’d possibly have to borrow money for one year of medical school, but I might not even have to do that, because I’m selling Elizaveta’s Thunderbird.”

“What did your father-in-law say about that?”

“He agreed with my logic, and he made the point that I didn’t need his permission because the car was mine. Anyway, let me make some breakfast.”

I went to the kitchen and Lara followed, leaving Rachel in the great room. We could easily hear her if she fussed, so I wasn’t concerned.

“Are you going to say anything to the bishop when he’s here next weekend?”

“About?” I asked as I took the carton of eggs and a jug of milk from the fridge.

“Don’t be obtuse!”

“My turn for a direct question — do you have a personal interest in the answer? As opposed to curiosity?”

“Way to put me on the spot!” Lara said, after laughing softly.

“Is there a backchannel deal being discussed?” I asked.

“We’re not THAT bad!”

“Yet!” I replied with a grin. “You’re all still in the minor leagues! You have to have a grandkid to be in the majors!”

Lara laughed, “If you think Tasha is in the minor leagues...”

“Good point,” I replied, cracking two eggs into a bowl and adding milk.

“The honest answer is that we all believe you’re going to ask to be laïcized and re-marry because you want a mom for Rachel and more kids.”

“That’s not an unreasonable position to take,” I observed, taking a whisk from the drawer and scrambling the eggs.

“We also think that your personality demands someone with whom you can intimately share your life, and I don’t mean sex, though that would be part of it, obviously. You had Jocelyn, then Clarissa, then Elizaveta. It’s always been a girl. I don’t believe that would be possible if you remain a deacon.”

“It would be difficult,” I replied. “And you know I’ve already had some grief about you and Tasha.”

“As if either of us would do anything that caused you to break your vows!”

“I know that, you and Tasha know that, but some people at church have overactive imaginations.”

“My mom told me about all the gossip and rumors when she and my dad divorced.”

“There was a reason the Apostle Paul warned about gossip. Or, to put it in a distinctly American context, Mark Twain is purported to have said — ’A lie goes around the world while truth is still putting on its boots’. Anyway, as of Monday, Father Nicholas is dealing with it, so hopefully, the rumors and accusations will stop.”

“Is sleeping here going to cause more problems?”

“No, because I have specific instructions from Doctor Smith, and I let Father Nicholas know. If someone in the parish wants to have a hissy fit because I’m following my doctor’s orders, they’re more than welcome to approach His Grace with that complaint. But again, as I do with Rachel, I actually hold all the cards here, too. I haven’t reached any conclusions just yet, nor do I know when I’ll decide, but ultimately it’s up to me, not anyone else.”

“The bishop could depose you, couldn’t he?”

“He could, if he had cause. As I said to someone who offered a naturally occurring sleep aid, I won’t put myself in a position to be deposed.”

Lara smirked, “There’s a euphemism I haven’t heard! It has to have been Annette.”

“What makes you say that?” I asked as I poured the eggs into a non-stick skillet.

“Context! I saw how she looked at you. May I ask a very personal question?”

“Sure. You, Clarissa, and Tasha can ask pretty much anything.”

“Were you interested?”

“I have very mixed emotions on that topic, as I’m sure you can imagine, but, in the end, I have to keep my vows until I’m released from them, so it doesn’t matter.”

I turned on the gas burner under the eggs, setting the flame low, as I didn’t like my scrambled eggs dry or with any brown, then put two pieces of homemade bread into the toaster.

“The thing is,” I continued, “that even if I wasn’t a deacon, I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of relationship, even if it was purely casual. Honestly, the only reason I’m even thinking about a relationship is because of Rachel. If I didn’t have her, well, I might decide to stay a deacon for life.”

“I don’t think that would be good for you,” Lara countered. “You are not called to monasticism.”

“I wouldn’t be a monastic,” I replied. “But I understand your point.”

“Wouldn’t you? Isn’t the tradition that a widowed deacon is tonsured a monk and made an hierodeacon?”

“That is a common outcome, yes.”

“And, knowing your bishop, I suspect you’d also be named protodeacon.”

“Probably, which would entail moving closer to Columbus, but the counterargument is that I won’t have the time to perform even basic liturgical duties for another three to four years, depending on my rotations and Residency. I seriously doubt Vladyka JOHN will raise that topic when he’s here next weekend.”

“Does talking about this bother you?”

I shrugged, “No. I suspect some people might think I’m not respecting Elizaveta or not mourning or whatever, but I am. I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it — I have to focus on Rachel and my medical training, and that means thinking about things and doing things that might not seem normal for someone who recently lost his wife. In the end, if I lose complete emotional control, I’ll ruin my future, and more problematically, ruin Rachel’s future.”

“You always did put on a fairly stoic front in times of crisis, the one exception, according to Clarissa, was when things went horribly wrong between you and Jocelyn. Otherwise, you’re pretty much always calm on the exterior, even if your interior life is roiled.”

“Something necessary to be a successful emergency medicine physician or surgeon,” I replied.

I tended to the eggs and sausage, buttered my toast, and when everything was ready, I poured a glass of juice. I skipped coffee, as I’d promised Doctor Smith I’d do for a week.

“Do you plan to take Rachel with you when you go to the dōjō?”

“Yes. You’re welcome to tag along, if you like.”

“I’m at your disposal. You tell me what you need.”

“It probably wouldn’t be bad to have someone with me,” I replied. “Wait, that sounded wrong! Yes, I’d like you to come with me.”

“It’s OK, Mike. I like your honesty and forthrightness. And you know my feelings are not easily hurt.”

I ate breakfast, then fed and changed Rachel, and once that was accomplished, I put Rachel in her stroller so we could walk to the dōjō. It was a twenty-minute walk, but I needed the exercise, even if it was just walking and pushing the stroller.

“I need to get a rocking chair,” I said as we turned onto the sidewalk. “Doctor Cooper had one and Rachel really liked being rocked.”

“We could have lunch at the food court at the mall and you could check Sears. And the furniture store is across the street from the mall, if Sears doesn’t have what you want. Both of them deliver, too.”

“Good thing, because a rocking chair won’t fit in my Mustang let alone your ‘Vette!”

“I think you might consider a baby swing,” Lara said.

“Elizaveta had planned to get one,” I replied. “It was on the list I found on her desk by her computer. I suspect we can find one at Sears.”

“What else was on the list?”

“Things to baby-proof the cottage — outlet covers, latches for the kitchen cabinets, and one of those wooden gates you use to block a doorway. She also had a playpen on the list. All of that can wait until Rachel is close to crawling, as right now she stays exactly where I put her.”

“That won’t last long!” Lara teased. “And soon enough she’ll be a teenager!”

“They say time flies, but not quite that quickly!”

“Ask your parents; I suspect they’ll agree with me.”

“Probably,” I replied. “At least with regard to Liz.”

“You were never any trouble growing up, were you?”

“Not really. It wasn’t until after I graduated that I had conflicts of any kind with my parents, and then everything just came off the rails.”

“Which was mostly because of what happened to Liz, right?”

“Yes, though I’m still not sure my reaction was entirely correct.”

“I think that’s because you like Paul, and he turned out to be a nice guy in the end. But think about your reaction if you discovered something like that about your daughter in fourteen years.”

“Oh, I understand my dad’s reaction, but I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t have gone to see Paul first, rather than called the Sheriff.”

“I’m not sure that would have changed anything,” Lara said. “You’d have certainly told him to stay away from Liz, which wouldn’t have happened, and the end result would likely have been the same.”

“Probably,” I allowed.

It took a bit longer to walk to the dōjō than I’d planned, as I’d never done it pushing a stroller, which caused me to walk a bit slower.

“Mister Loucks,” Sensei Hikaru said, when we walked in. “I was very sorry to read about what happened. And, of course, Robby mentioned it to me as well. You have my condolences.”

“Thank you,” I replied. “I wanted to speak to you about resuming my training, though at least at first, it would be for exercise, as I’m not sure I can dedicate enough time to achieve Dan ranking in the next couple of years.”

“Come into my office, please,” he suggested.

“I’ll keep Rachel,” Lara said.

I followed Sensei Hikaru to his office and sat down.

“You wear your clerical garb all the time?” he asked.

I nodded, “Yes. That’s the norm in our jurisdiction.”

“But you would be permitted to wear a karate uniform for practice, correct?”

“Yes, just as I’m permitted to wear scrubs or whatever clothing is prescribed by the hospital where I’m working.”

“You’re doing your practical training now, right?”

“Yes. I just completed my OB/GYN rotation, and I start in the ER on the 1st. My schedule will allow me to attend classes on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, as well as Saturday mornings. That’s for the next two months. After that, I don’t know my daily schedule.”

“Have you practiced at all since you abandoned your training?”

“No, Sensei, I have not. I’ve run fairly regularly since then, though not for the past two months.”

“Under normal circumstances, I would refer you to a gym, but given your circumstances, and taking into consideration that I conferred a brown belt on you, I will grant an exception.”

“Thank you, Sensei.”

“How are you doing in your medical training?”

“It’s going well. I was at a hospital in Cincinnati for the OB/GYN rotation, but now I’m back in McKinley full-time.”

“Good. May I meet your daughter?”

“Yes, of course!”

We left his office, and Sensei Hikaru, who was a grandfather, carefully picked up Rachel and said something in Japanese.

“What did you say?” I asked.

“A traditional Japanese blessing. There’s no direct translation, but consider it similar to asking God to watch over her and for her to have a spirit of peace.”

“Thank you.”

“Who is your friend?”

“This is Laura Bragg,” I replied. “She’s been helping me with Rachel for the past month.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Laura,” Sensei Hikaru said. “Are you interested in karate training? A small girl such as yourself would benefit from knowing how to defend herself.”

“It’s not something I’ve considered,” Lara replied. “Let me think about it, and I’ll discuss it with Mike.”

“Please do. Will I see you tomorrow, Mr. Loucks?”

“Saturday,” I replied. “On Thursday I’m having dinner with my family in Rutherford after being in Milford in the morning.”

“Then I’ll see you at 11:00am on Saturday.”

He handed Rachel to me and after I put her in her stroller, I bowed to Sensei Hikaru, and then Lara, Rachel, and I left the dōjō.

“Were you being polite, or are you interested in karate?”

“It’s not something I ever really considered, but I could see doing it if you want company.”

“It has to be something you want to do,” I replied. “And something that you’re willing to dedicate the time to practice. I received a concession because of my medical training and because of what happened to Elizaveta, but in the past, when I wasn’t showing sufficient dedication, I was taken to task.”

“Let me think about it.”

“OK.”

We made the walk home, and while we were there, I changed Rachel, fed her, and then put her in her car seat so we could drive to the mall. Once we arrived, I parked, we got Rachel situated into her stroller, then went directly into Sears and to the furniture department.

I immediately found a rocking chair which was almost identical to the one that Doctor Cooper had, and which was available at a price I was willing to pay. The salesman who had been helping another customer came over and I explained I wanted to buy the rocking chair and have it delivered. He consulted a sheet of paper and said it could be delivered on Friday. He rang up the purchase, I paid him with a check, and filled out a delivery form. Once that was completed, Lara and I headed to the baby department. Not knowing anything about swings, I asked a clerk for help.

“There are two basic types,” he said. “One that hangs from the frame of a door, and the other that is free-standing, with four legs. The free-standing ones use a wind-up mechanism or batteries.”

He showed us several options, and in the end, I chose a swing that ran on four D-cell batteries, and after checking that the box would fit into my Mustang, we made the purchase. We made a trip to the car to put the box in the back, then went back into the mall to window shop.

“Is that where you bought my gift?” Lara asked as we looked in the window of the toy store.

“Yes,” I replied, smiling at the memory.

“I keep the small pussy with black fur on my bed,” she replied with a smirk, and after a brief pause, added, “And the stuffed animal, too!”

I laughed, “Cute.”

“I’m glad I could make you laugh,” she replied. “I was a bit concerned about making the joke.”

“It’s OK,” I replied. “The words I have to live by are ‘life goes on’, because it has to. I do not serve my daughter’s best interest by being humorless, morose, or withdrawn.”

“And that right there is why I’m positive you will eventually remarry — because it’s what’s best for Rachel.”

I nodded, “She is my overriding concern.”

We walked around the entire mall, then went to the food court for lunch. I wasn’t following the fast, as instructed by Father Nicholas, so I ordered a chicken sandwich, fries, and a Sprite, staying away from caffeine as instructed by Doctor Smith. After we ate, we headed back to Doctor Blahnik’s house and I started a load of laundry before changing and feeding Rachel.

“If you have things to do,” I said to Lara, “I’ll be OK until Vespers. Well, assuming the cabal hasn’t decided I can’t be alone.”

“That was actually a concern, but you seem OK to me, you had a very good night’s sleep, and you said your test results were all in the normal range.”

I smiled, “I know how your little cabal operates! The only thing I don’t know for sure is who is involved besides Tasha, Clarissa, Serafima, Alyssa, and you.”

“That’s it, though I know Clarissa has spoken to Jocelyn, and she also spoke to Maryam while you were in Cincinnati.”

“Of course she did! Someone had to check up on me and how I was doing at the hospital.”

“You know we care, Mike. That’s why.”

“I’m not upset nor am I objecting. First of all, I know it’s because you care, and if I had to pick who would support me through this, it’s the cabal, plus Robby, Peter, Mark, and Elias. Add in Anicka, too.”

“I do have some things I need to do, so I’ll see you at Vespers, then again tomorrow morning.”

“That sounds great, Lara. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. OK to hug you?”

“Yes.”