Chapter 9: Shame

When I got up the next morning and found myself naked on my bed, sheets tossed to the floor, and my bedroom door wide open I remembered what I did. Was I that desperate for someone to make me feel something that I put myself on display to be noticed? Did I use my experience as a woman to lure and encourage a young boy to see things he wasn’t prepared to see? I lowered my head in shame. What had I done? Who was that crazy woman last night? I got up, closed my door, and looked for something decent to cover myself with. It was after seven, Ernie would surely be awake and downstairs. I fixed myself to be presentable and knew I had to face him. My only hope was he wasn’t the shadow I remembered lurking in the hall last night and didn’t watch me making a fool of myself.

Fourteen steps I counted going down. Fourteen years old, fourteen mistakes I knew I could count that I’ve made with him. I tried to hold it together but with each step closer to facing the truth the guilt of my actions were overwhelming my mind. I had taken Ernie from a life of uncertainty and let him become my hope for serenity. Just as I reached the last step I hesitated, the humiliation I felt was unbearable. How do I look him in the eye and tell him I was sorry he had to see me like that? how do I react if he is not as forgiving as I need him to be? I wiped the tears from my eyes, put one foot forward, and prayed I had not destroyed the one person that has shown me the future I have always dreamed of.

Ernie was at the counter mixing something together. His back was to me but I know he heard me come in the room. I received a cheerful good morning and his announcement that he was making pancakes for breakfast. I was a little startled by his upbeat attitude but wasn’t going to argue this pleasant development. It didn’t change anything I felt but it would make it easier to talk to him. I got behind him and looked over his shoulder, his batter nearly ready and I turned on the stove to heat the pan. I would try to make this as normal a morning as I could and hope he is as understanding on more adult problems as he is on those more age related. As I reached for the plates his hand caught mine and my sweet Ernie offered me a good morning hug. He kissed me on the cheek, smiled, and asked, one pancake or two. No mentions of last night, no puns about what he seen, nothing and for this small window of time I chose to let it stay that way, knowing I would have to sit down with him at some point and get things right between us again.

He had started the coffee and poured me a cup and said I didn’t have to do anything, his way of showing thanks for a great dinner out at the restaurant last night. I sat so the sun would come in and bring a little heat to my body, the weather got a bit chilly and the morning sun felt warm. He served me my breakfast, even buttered my toast. I let him do all the talking while we ate. I couldn’t put a complete sentence together if I tried. He went on and on about feeling like regular people when he ordered his food. He had a shine to his face, a boy that found happiness at last. I enjoyed listening to him, I enjoyed being here with him. I really wanted him to say he went to his room and fell asleep like a baby last night and didn’t wake until this morning. I wanted his innocence to still be a part of him.

I swore I would make this up to him. It didn’t matter if he knew or not, I was going to show him I could be the person he needed and not trample on his natural growth. I wasn’t sure how, but I would have to stop my crazy fantasies and my disgusting acts of trying to have what is not to take. Ernie would have to have a separation, a barrier of protection against me. a barrier I didn’t want in place.

It was Sunday, our last on holiday. Tomorrow we go back to school and the humdrum life I had come to get used to would return. The only thing that would change is I would come to school with a passenger. Ernie would drive in with me and that was a subject we would have to discuss. Other kids would see us pulling in the parking lot and the chatter and rumors were sure to start. I wasn’t sure how I would respond to the questions I would receive from faculty, administrators, even the principle. My reasons initially were sufficient enough for me but would need some polishing since I wasn’t seeking new residence or even consulting with authorities on Ernie staying with me. I would cross that bridge when and if I came to it, for now I worried more about how he would handle things with his friends.

I allowed a lot to get through over the extended weekend. Ernie has seen, even touched his teachers body. He knew for fact I intentionally touched him once, and if last night was seen, well he could have some interesting stories to tell. That is what frightened me the most, being exposed for a person I truly wasn’t. I trusted him to do the right thing but I would still want to hear it from him that what happens in his house, stays in this house otherwise the consequences could have lasting ramifications. He had to understand the importance of our silence.

Ernie cleared the table, cleaned the kitchen including washing the dishes and told me to take my coffee and relax out back, the sun would warm me up. I took his advice and sat on the glider facing the morning sun. here I could always think straight. Ernie was being a wonderful little man today and as much as I hated to ruin his day we did need to have a serious talk.

I sipped my coffee and flashes of the night came back to me. As wrong as it was in the heat of the moment it was the most thrilling event my bed has seen in quite a while. Sure I’ve masturbated but never like that. I have not once in my life did it for anyone other than me and last night was all for him. I went overboard in a big way and even the language I used was such profanity. Yes I can see now that I could have dialed in down some but when you get that incredible feeling and you know why, it’s not always easy to stop and I had no intentions on doing so. I wanted Ernie to see me that way. I wanted him to know I was a woman and had needs. Things just got out of hand and I’m thankful I didn’t use his name in any of it. now that sweet boy, if in fact he was in the hall which I can’t say for sure anymore, but if he was, his opinion of me has changed. I hope he doesn’t see me as a whore.

When Ernie joined me outside I was in deep thought and didn’t hear him coming. He sat next to me on the glider and snapped me out of it when a bead of water from his glass dripped on my hand. I jumped a mile and he started laughing. He said he got me and now I tried my hardest to laugh with him. Truth is my thoughts were of him and the one time I walked in on him sleeping. One of many thoughts I was having on the wrong way I let this oddly enough, relationship begin. He said I looked distracted and if there was something I wanted to get off my chest. I found it hard to look at him and being so close only made it harder. Ernie, I said in a voice I had to keep clearing, there is something bothering me. something difficult to talk about because it is more an adult conversation to understand but I will try to keep it simplified and hope you can follow. All I ask is you let me say what needs to be said before you interrupt me. you know I do not like being interrupted. Will you do that for me Ernie, let me talk, explain something, and then I will give you the same uninterrupted time. he said he would and if it was that serious we could talk inside where the walls don’t have ears. Smart thinking, and we went inside and sat in the living room. This would be the hardest conversation and apology I have ever had to be a part of.