Chapter 37: Love Is A Four-Letter Word

I was so bloated with food and dessert when I got home that I thought I would head straight off to bed, but my mother ambushed me as I came in and demanded to know all about it, what we ate, who was there, what was the house like, what did we talk about.

I did my best to satisfy her curiosity -- she was pleased to hear that Karen liked her apple crisp and had laid claim to it -- and then I begged to be excused for bed, where I slept soundly.

When I did drag myself out of bed in the late morning I found I wasn’t terribly hungry, so I just had cereal and coffee, and I read for an hour.

My mother and Mindy went off to the mall for clothes shopping, again, so I took my second cup of coffee out to the backyard and sat under a tree, thinking how much I liked summer days.

I was in that state that’s halfway between sleep and fully awake, when I heard a voice calling me. I snapped back to alert and called out, “In the back.”

I should have recognized the voice, but I was not quite awake. Karen walked up the driveway carrying the clean dessert dish.

“I rang the bell, but nobody answered, so I was going to leave this by the back door.”

“Hi, everybody’s off doing errands, except me, and I was out here sleeping off last night’s dinner. I’ll take that. C’mon inside.”

I put the dish on the kitchen table. “Did you come all the way over here just to drop that off? It could have waited.”

“No, I thought we might take a walk and have a chance to talk some.”

“Sure. We can do that. Let me lock up.”

I did, and the two of us headed off in the general direction of downtown.

Karen said, “I think my parents were impressed with you. They didn’t know all that stuff about the languages and your academics. Plus the martial arts stuff. They liked you before, but this was all new to them.”

“You already knew I was a little -- no, a lot -- nervous about last night, but you were right, it was good.”

“My mother said something to me last night, after you’d gone. She said she was looking out at us in the backyard from the window over the sink as she was rinsing the serving bowls, and she saw us talking.

“She said to me, “You know he’s in love with you, don’t you? I saw it in his face when he looked at you.” I had to sit down, because it caught me by surprise. Tom, are you in love with me?”

All of a sudden I couldn’t think straight. I felt like my head was spinning. I made a sign that we should stop, and I sat down at the base of a maple tree and leaned back against the trunk.

She sat down next to me. I was quiet for a time.

“I hadn’t thought about it like that. I’ve never been in love before, where I could call it by that name, because I recognized the symptoms. I always look forward to being with you because you make me smile, and you challenge me, and make me feel good about myself.

“Sometimes I feel you can look right into me, inside my mind. And when I see you it’s like the world gets a little brighter.

“But I never put that name onto it, because that always seems to change a relationship, and it puts a kind of, what? obligation? on the other person, because they’re responsible for your happiness or your misery if they say yes or no. And I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship. We like each other, and I never wanted that to change.

“But now that I think about what she said, I have to admit to myself, yes, I’m in love with you. I didn’t plan it, naturally. But you’re like the missing half of me.

“Karen, having said that out loud, now I’m afraid that you’ll want to pull away, because it’s more emotional baggage than you want to carry around while you’re so focused on where you’re headed.

“I’m not looking for any commitment or reciprocity from you, all I want is for us still to be friends. I would really hate it if you decided you needed to take a step back.”

She put a hand on my arm. “First, I don’t think I’m going to pull away. Yeah, I’m focused and I don’t want things in my way, but this isn’t something I see being an obstruction or a hindrance. Second, I’m flattered. I’m not sure that’s the right word. I’m thrilled that you would think so much of me.

“I’ve had boys tell me they loved me before, but it was mostly because they were trying to get me into bed. I could tell they were being insincere. Geez, they didn’t even put much effort into the lie. But I know that you speak from your heart, and I’d never want to do anything to hurt you.

“After my mother said that, Tom, she asked me if I was in love with you. And I had to tell her I wasn’t sure, because, like you, I’m not quite sure what love is, what it’s supposed to feel like.

“I told you once before that you make me feel good about myself, and you make me tingle and laugh and think, and that must be really close to love.

“And those times we made love and we felt like our minds joined for a few seconds, I don’t know what that is, but it’s not very common and that makes me feel like we share something very special.

“So I’m not sure yet if I love you, but it feels pretty good when I’m with you, and that’s good enough for now. As I learn more about myself and about love, I’ll get closer to deciding.

“I know you won’t make demands on me that would interfere with my plans for my future, like other guys might, and that makes me feel comfortable staying with you.”

I took her hand in mine and said, “I would feel like I had been cut adrift on the ocean if you said you wanted to stop seeing me. I am surprised and a little panicky at how much I have come to depend on talking to you, spending time with you. I just want you to know that.”

She squeezed my hand in acknowledgement. “Let’s head back to your house. Maybe your mom’s back, and I half-promised Mindy that I’d talk with her some more.”

I was a little subdued walking back, because in some fundamental way the relationship had changed and I didn’t yet know if it was for better or worse.

But I had to take her at her word, that she still wanted to be with me. I wondered if she would ever decide she loved me.

The car was out front when we got back, and my mom was in the kitchen.

“Karen stopped over to drop off the baking dish, Mom. Did you see it?”

“Yes, I did, and thanks. Nice to see you, Karen. Can you stay for a little while?” She took out a couple of coffee cups.

I saw where this was going, and I was not going to be allowed to be a part of it, other than as a bystander. She would latch on to Karen and finish her bonding, if that was what it was.

Okay, we kinda knew this going in, so no surprise here, but it still feels a little awkward. A little late to stop now.

I said, “I’m going to go read for awhile,” but I’m not sure they heard me.

I got a book from my room, and Mindy said through her door, “I heard someone downstairs, Tom. Who is it?”

I told her, and she came shooting out of her room, tucking in her shirt as she clattered down the stairs. Maybe I should get a second book. This could take a while.

I took my book and went out under the tree in the backyard and sat in the lounge chair. I read some, but kept drifting back to our conversation.

I kept telling myself that she had said nothing negative, in fact it was very positive. She likes knowing that I love her. She loves the way I make her feel when we’re together, and it feels almost like love to her. That’s positive, right? Right?

Eventually, I fell asleep again, the book open in my lap.

Someone was shaking my shoulder. I started awake and found Karen sitting beside me.

“You looked really peaceful, I hated to wake you, but it’s almost time for dinner. Your mother invited me to stay. I’ve been talking to Mindy.”

“I’m surprised my mother let you get away that easily.”

“We had a nice talk, but Mindy was looking really antsy, so your mother relinquished me so she could start dinner. I found out all kinds of things about you, Carter. I’ve been making a list.”

“Uh, oh. I’m going to have to have words with Mindy, who never met a confidence she didn’t want to share with everyone.”

“Not like that, Tom. Well, mostly not like that. For example, you’ll have to give me the complete story on this Rooney fellow, who I’d heard of in school, but I’m not much of a sports fan so his disappearance didn’t have much impact on me.

“But apparently it was a very big deal, and I didn’t know you were involved. How come you didn’t mention it?”

“It never came up, because I know you’re not a sports fan. Neither am I, so it didn’t enter into conversation. If you want to hear about it, I’ll tell you. But maybe not tonight, not enough time.”

“Okay. Anyway, come in and get ready for dinner.”

I washed up and helped bring things in to the table. My mother had made chicken cutlets, with bread crumbs and Parmesan cheese, and potatoes and green beans on the side.

Mindy had latched on to Karen like a long-lost big sister, which was just a little bit odd, I thought, but Karen probably struck her as very glamorous and sophisticated, being a couple of years older. In a sense I was glad they were getting along.