Chapter 4: Carmella, Donna, and My Erector Set

AUTHOR’S NOTE and WARNING:

Watch out! I’m about to get very sociopolitical and philosophical in the following part of the regale. This direction in the narrative is unavoidably necessary because it has bearing. It holds relevance to the story of my smoking fetish obsession because its tenets are very much a part of my makeup as a human. To understand this personal ‘angle’ of the fetish, you must first gain a (hopefully) clearer, unambiguous understanding of this person. I know parts of the following might “set off the fuses” of some readers who are right-leaning; but as I’ve said, it is a matter of necessity. I suspect it may drop my point score here at SOL:WLPC. But, so be it. It ain’t that high, anyway. I am a “lefty” and I make no apologies for it. With that said; here I go, out on that proverbial “limb.” Read on at your own risk.

This is your life, and you do what you want to do

This is your life and you spend it all

This is your life, and you do what you want to do

Just don’t hurt anybody

And the big reward’s here

In the garden of earthly delights

~ “Garden of Earthly Delights” – by xTc /Andy Partridge.

From “Oranges & Lemons” (1989)

I must stop for a moment to make a few very important points in my defense.

Please don’t misjudge me. I realize that much of the personal fantasy I’ve been describing—and will continue to describe in future installments—may come across to some as having underpinnings of abuse or disregard toward these women in my early life; or worse yet, that it might lead a few of my readers to believe that I may harbor a low opinion toward women in general. Some may feel, and rightly so, that the outcomes of these fantasies resemble the typical endings one would expect to see in porn media. Of course, I’m referring to the obligatory “facial cumshot.” While I won’t argue in opposition to the resemblance, I would challenge any notion which assumes that I believe in male superiority, or that I hold disdain for women by nature because of my admitted “proclivity” for, shall we say, “orgasm dramatics?” Nothing could be further from the truth. I can only assure you that misogyny is certainly not part of my makeup. I ask you to humor me for a few moments longer while I put my feelings in more sociopolitical/philosophical terms.

I have several firm convictions in my life: one states that the greatest accomplishments, along with the greatest joys in life are derived from giving pleasure and love, as well as receiving both. Another conviction punctuates my worldview. Nothing could sway my belief in the fact that we all occupy space in this world on equal terms, regardless of race, nationality, social background, economic position, belief system, skin color, age, sex, or sexual orientation.

Of course, as is often the case in human history, we’re having the usual bit of difficulty convincing some in this world to accept the irrefutable logic of that last statement; to get them to a place where they recognize the validity of the premise, and to convince them to get on the right side of history by fully embracing its standard. With the recent political climate showing an alarming rising trend toward fascism, along with an uptick in various forms of bigotry, I’m sorry to report that we have yet to reach an acceptance of the equality of which I spoke. But, however slow the going may be, I think we are getting there.

I also feel strongly about, and solidly support, women’s rights. I’m an avid, unapologetic, and vocal supporter of the “Me Too” movement; an organized, empowering phenomenon whose timely prominence has been long overdue. As a man, I’m proud to call myself a feminist! I guess saying I’m a supporter of feminism would be more descriptively correct. But, I’ll stick to the first statement, if not for anything but to get a rise out of the right-wingers. And, let me assure you that I do not use the term ’feminist’ in a patronizing/sycophantic way when describing myself as such. I’ve been a staunch supporter and a social activist all my life. However, in my mind, even with all the substantive strides forward, made in the name of equal justice—strides which have been hard-fought, but only won over an inordinate amount of time—I feel that true comprehensive equality has yet to be achieved.

As a society, a global society, we still seem to be “hung-up” on archaic, nonsensical, bigoted notions. We’re still clinging to the sociopathic delusion of male-dominant superiority—more specifically, white–male –dominant superiority. Here, in my home country, one would only have to cast but a cursory glance toward politics and the community at large to be convinced that the ugly and bitter ways of misogyny are still very evident in our supposedly “sophisticated/enlightened” society. But again; considering how slow the progress may appear to be advancing, I think we are getting there. I remain optimistic ... frustrated and impatient ... but optimistic.

Yes, I love and thoroughly respect women! And, if it is not already obvious, on a sexual/sensual level, I worship women! Subsequently (and getting back to the subject of porn), I abhor the bone-headed, openly sadistic, and abusive movement (abusive toward women) which I’m seeing take place in modern online pornography. This ugly trend of violent, mean-spirited behavior directed at women is alarming on so many levels.

Now, to be clear, I’m not referring to all porn. I’m only speaking to that narrow band that celebrates extreme cruelty, outmoded male dominance, and human degradation. The reference I make is toward the type of porn that literally paints the words “slut” and “whore” across women’s features as if trying to hearken back to medieval public “badge of shame” stigma; scarlet letter marking. I’m talking about the kind of porn which depicts women being brutally (not playfully) slapped, their faces being spat upon, and tries to justify it all by employing the term “role-play.” It’s the sick and sadistic, free-wheeling, cavalier, hate-filled “slut shaming” attitude I too often see on display that I despise the most.

With all its brutality and blatant misogyny, I shudder to think what harm it might be doing to the collective human psyche in the long run. My figurative fingers are crossed for the advent of a couple of possible movements to culminate in response to this situation which might rectify matters. However naive it may sound; I’m holding out hope that either the videographers responsible for producing such mean-spirited material might suddenly experience an apostasy brought on by finally seeing the ugliness of what they’re doing for what it is—thereby inspiring a change—or that enough voices are raised in protest and disgust to force that change.

NOTE: By no means am I promoting a ban on porn. I’m merely advocating for a change of heart, a change in direction. “Perhaps then we can get back to decent and fun, wholesome pornography,” he said while grinning, and with his tongue firmly entrenched in his cheek.

To that last point, I cannot emphasize my position enough. What I’m proposing has little to do with a supportive attitude toward official “tough legislation,” although, where needed, something happening in an official capacity might help. But I’m not kidding myself. Again, my possible naivete aside; the only way for this metamorphosis of which I speak to take hold is for it to evolve, to come about through a major societal attitude adjustment. And we are far from that at this juncture—a little closer to it, perhaps; but we still have plenty of work to do!

Okay so, considering all I’ve just written; I’m aware of the fact that some of you may be thinking: ”Bullshit! You, sir, are being hypocritical! For all your self-professed progressiveness, it is just so much lip service. It goes counter to the lust you’ve been describing!”... Well, I haven’t been giving “lip service.” However, you’ve got me on the diametrical juxtaposition. Yes, it is counterintuitive. But, isn’t that the nature of “lust” itself, as being an uncontrollable penchant? I’ve never claimed to be perfect, and I never shall. I am human, with my own set of faults and idiosyncrasies. I’m not exhibiting pride in the character flaws I’ve been describing. They are what I consider to be “dark” facets of my makeup. Nor am I asking you, the reader, to embrace them. I’m merely describing myself: neuroses, psychoses, warts, and all!

Now, although the focus of the writing here deals with the erotic side of my personality, while emphasizing the admittedly unconventional—some may rightly say, “male-centric, disgustingly offensive, abusive and humiliating”—musings I had concerning my female relatives and their friends; I cannot stress my overall-loving feelings toward them enough. And even after all these years, my deep love and high regard for each and every one of them transcends time. But, as sexually desirable they may have been to me, they were by no means just “cardboard cut-outs”; nor did they represent so many imaginary inflatable sex dolls to be used, abused, and humiliated for my own demented pleasure in the fantasies I had spun. These attractive women were loving, well-rounded, multifaceted human beings deserving of respect.