To: Santa Claus

From: Sarah Matheson

Dear Santa,

I hope this letter finds you well! I know it’s a little weird to still be asking you for presents at fifteen, but this is a special case. I know you’ll probably have some concerns, but I think if you’ll hear me out, you’ll agree with my request.

I want a vibrator for Christmas. The sex kind.

First and foremost, I think that the record shows that I’ve been a good girl. I get straight A’s, I’m respectful toward my elders, and during my last few vacations I’ve been volunteering at the library. And, just so you know, I’m still a virgin.

It’s also worth mentioning that this gift will help me remain a good girl. My family just moved to Boston and I’m having trouble making friends. People here are really rude about Texas accents! The one friend I have made is trying very hard to get into my pants, and ... sometimes I’m tempted to let him. He’s really good looking, and while I don’t love him or anything, sometimes I think it would be nice just to have someone. Sometimes I don’t wear underwear when I see him, just to see if he’ll say something. I know it would be wrong to do it with him, but it seems like my body is always screaming SEX! SEX! SEX! at me.

So, you’re probably going to say that a vibrator is an adult toy - not suitable for kids. But think about it: I’m no stranger to orgasms. There have only been a handful of days in the last several years where I didn’t get myself off. Even before I figured orgasms out, when I used to sit on my Dad’s knee (my real Dad), I knew that it felt really good to rock back and forth on it. (Surely with as many kids as you have sitting on YOUR knees, you know all about that!) So it’s not like this would be some big change in my life or some loss of innocence. I already have lots of orgasms; a vibrator would just make them easier, faster, and better!

And let’s face it - you’re kinda famous for giving BB guns to stupid clumsy kids, so clearly you’re willing to trust us enough to make our own decisions.

Oh, and another thing: it would also kinda be a present for my ex-bf Rico Davis back in Texas. We’re not boyfriend-girlfriend any more because we know that’s impossible with the distance between us, but we do still video chat, and sometimes do stuff together. I want him to see me come, but every time we try it, he’s done way before I am, and then he loses interest.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, Santa. And if you still have any reservations, please write back so that I can persuade you!

Sincerely,

Sarah Matheson (formerly Sarah Acker)

Boston, Massachusets (formerly Amarillo, Texas)

To: Sarah

From: Santa

Dear Sarah,

I don’t normally respond to letters - there are so many - but I was impressed with the maturity with which you made your case.

I’m afraid I can’t give you the gift you’re asking for. While it often involves guesswork, my policy is not to give out gifts of which a child’s parents would disapprove.

There are also some logistical hurdles that can’t be overcome. Of course the North Pole engages in strategic partnerships with various companies to provide toys like video games and cell phones, but those partnerships take time to set up. And while we’re proud of our local artisans, there is, frankly, nobody here who would know the first thing about vibrators.

I will try to find you another gift to bring you a less controversial sort of joy this Christmas.

Holiday cheer!

Santa

To: Santa Claus

From: Sarah Matheson

Dear Santa,

Thank you so much for writing back!

But I don’t buy it! Nobody knows anything about vibrators? What about Mrs. Claus? She must have some long lonely nights when you’re out travelling across the whole world. And surely there must be some lady elves who like to take matters into their own hands!

As for my mom and stepdad - they think of me as their little girl, and I don’t want to ruin that for them. But they’re in no position to complain about a little old vibrator. They’ve got a shoebox full of pictures: My mom wearing a Cowboys jersey, face paint, and nothing else leaning against a couch and getting smashed from behind while watching a football game with a dozen other people. Or my stepdad all bondaged-up, with his dick in some kind of metal torture cage.

By the way, I don’t know how that whole “sees you when you’re sleeping” thing works, but every night between now and Christmas I plan to sleep in the nude, above the covers. Just sayin’.

Sincerely,

Sarah Matheson

5 year yoga student

To: Sarah

From: Santa

Dear Sarah,

Since you invited me, I did look in on you while you were sleeping once or twice. I must say, Texas sure does breed lean young women. Be sure to bundle up in those Boston winters!

Did you know you squirm while you sleep? Time and again I saw your hips moving gently back and forth. I won’t speculate what’s in your dreams that makes that happen.

There is no Mrs. Claus, but I do have a number of lady friends who appreciate a man who can respond very quickly to a late-night text.

As for elves, good leadership requires a certain distance from subordinates’ personal lives, I’m afraid. But after discussing your suggestion with one of my toy designers, I was invited to observe their after-shift festivities.

In their work attire elves look very much like human children, apart from the ears. Without their clothes, elf women have a frankly confusing blend of child-like and adult characteristics. I have to wonder if they are the inspiration of a certain modern Japanese art style.

To compare the male elves to human men is to do them an injustice. Every single one of those little guys had a long, thick candy cane that would be exceptional even among human pornography. It’s a wonder that the elf females could fit any portion of those things inside them. Believe me, there’s nothing like seeing a four and a half foot tall child-woman getting every hole stuffed balls-deep by fourteen inch elven beef logs to make you believe in magic.

Elven merry-making culminates not with moans and grunts, but with laughter. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been assuming that the nightly joyous noises coming from the Elf Quarter were a perfectly ordinary sort of mirth. Now I know that I’ve been sipping my cocoa and reading my books to the sounds of elf orgies.

Thank you for helping to educate me, Sarah.

Good Tidings!

Santa