Chapter 6

Jennifer

It took me a moment to figure out where I was when I awoke. I smelled the lavender and felt an arm draped over me, then snuggled back into her. Flashes of the previous night started to play through my head, my heart raced. I was thankful for not being alone.

Minutes later a blurry eyed little girl came into the bedroom and snuggled up with me. She was snuggled up with her doll, I was snuggled up with her, and Whitney with me. For a brief moment, everything was right with the world. Then reality reared its head, and I remembered all that had happened the night before. I tried to process what I had experienced, but I was overwhelmed at the moment.

I slipped out from between my girls, and after taking care of the morning necessities I padded down to the kitchen. Finding some pancake mix, I began to mix up a large batch. There was enough to feed a small army when Whit and Madi came downstairs, but shortly, all that was left was an empty platter.

“Mommy?” A tired, timid voice broke my train of thought.

“Yes, pumpkin?”

“What are we going to do now?”

“I’m not sure honey, we’ll figure something out.” We always did, but the little bit in my checking account and my small emergency fund were not going to go that far.

“Are we going to have to go back to the shelter Mommy?”

“I don’t know pumpkin, we’ll figure something out.”

“Could we just stay here? And live with Miss Whitney?”

I heard Whit make another cup of coffee in her Keurig and sit down at the table across from me. She reached out and took my hand.

“Hey, look at me. You’re not alone. I want to help you.”

“Thanks, I know you do. I just don’t want to be a burden to you.”

“Jennifer! You’re not a burden to me. You never will be.”

“That’s okay, as soon as we can get on our feet, Madison and I will figure something out.”

“Jenn, I — oh never mind.” I watched her get up from the table with her coffee and stare out the window.

I was thinking about talking to her more when I realized I needed to get Madison dressed. “Come pumpkin, let’s go get your new clothes out of the dryer and see what you can fit into.” I took her hand and led her upstairs. We pulled the clothes out and laid them out on the guest bed. Some were too small and others clearly too big for her. But there were a couple of items she could wear right away. There were also a pair of pink sneakers that she could use. They were a tad large, but something she could grow into.

“Hey.”

I turned around, and Whit was standing in the doorway.

“I figured we need to get you to a store to do some shopping, and the clothes you had on yesterday smell of smoke. I pulled out some sweats that will fit you. If you want, that is.”

“Pumpkin,” I said turning to Madi, “Why don’t you go down and watch some TV and play with Skipper while I get ready.” Madi skipped out of the room, and I followed Whit to her room.

Whit had a few items out on the bed for me to try. I opted for some gray sweatpants, a tee shirt, and a hoodie. Slipping into a pair of her flip-flops, which were so not my thing, I sat on the bed staring at my feet. I was trying to figure out how I was going to get back on my feet when Whit joined me.

“Are you doing okay?” The look of concern was evident on her face.

“I don’t know. I’m just so overwhelmed right now. Thoughts about everything I have to replace are swirling around my head. Just to get some new clothing is going to blow out my meager savings. Let alone everything else. I can’t even think of how I’m going to get a new apartment. Do you know how lucky I was to find that place? Cheap places in this city are rare.”

I began to pace back and forth in the kitchen as I continued my rant. “How am I going to come up with a new deposit and last month’s rent? I’m sure ain’t going to get anything from my last place with that slumlord. Ugh, I’m probably going to have to move to Lynnwood or Kent and commute in. And the bus options to our office are limited. Then what do I do with Madison? Find daycare close to my place and pay for a couple more hours of care or make her ride the bus with me. Although if she rode with me in the car we could use the carpool lane...”

“Jenn—” I watched as Whit started to speak a couple times and then stop herself. “I’d like to help you. Can I at least take you and Madison shopping? Help you buy some new clothes and stuff?”

“You sure about this? I don’t want to be a burden on you. You’re not obligated to help me.”

“Do you remember what you called me last night?”

“What do you mean?”

“What you told the Red Cross lady.”

“That you’re my girlfriend.”

“Right, and what does that mean? To you?”

“That you’re my best friend, that I love you, and I don’t want to lose you.” I said and wondered where she was going with this.

“Right, but it’s more. Being in a relationship is more than just having sex with someone. It’s about doing life together, helping each other. I’d like to help you because I care about you. If you’ll let me.”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t?” Whit’s voice was barely audible.

“I don’t know if I have a choice.” This was the only path I could see to getting Madison and me back to where we were.

“You do, I’m not trying to force you or anything.”

“I know, thanks.” I sniffled and then felt arms wrap around me and pull me into her. I was trying hard not to, but I lost it. I just started to blubber. Whit held me and gave me reassurances while I let my emotions pour out.

Mustering the willpower from I don’t know where, I sat back up on my own and began to wipe the tears with the sleeve of the sweatshirt I had on. As I finished up, I looked at the brunette sitting next to me on the bed. Our eyes locked, and she smiled at me. I closed my eyes and leaned my head in. My lips found hers, and for a moment I felt normal again.

“I missed that,” I heard her whisper.

“Me too.”

“We should probably get going; we have a lot to do today.”

A few minutes later we were walking back to my old place, with each of us holding one of Madison’s hands.

“Hang on, before we get in the Jeep, I want to see if I can look around at all.” I walked towards my apartment. I explained who I was. Once the police officer who was monitoring the scene had verified my name she let me cross the barricade tape into what was left of my place. Whitney found a dry patch of grass, and Madi snuggled into her lap while I went in.

It didn’t take but a moment to figure out that not much had survived and was worth rescuing. I found my cell phone in the corner in a small pool of standing water. It was mostly intact, but I’m sure it was fried inside.

Entering our bedroom, I was glad I was alone. On Madi’s bed was what was left of her Anna doll. It wasn’t a pretty sight. The plastic face was melted, and the synthetic clothing burned. Looking around our bedroom, there was nothing salvageable. A picture frame that once held a picture of my mom holding Madison right after she was born was scorched. All that was left was Madison’s face. I guess you could say it was a summary of my life until now. Everything was gone except her.

And Whitney. She was standing there next to me, holding out my purse. I looked out the window and the police officer was now sitting with Madi. My purse was rather battered, but looked in one piece. I found the twenty-eight dollars I had in there, charred, but still intact. My debit card was melted a bit and warped, no longer usable. My driver’s license was also deformed, but you could still make out my face a bit and my name on it.

“You can get those bills replaced at the bank when you ask for a new debit card.” Whit said to me. “Until then, I got you. Anything else you want to look at here?”

“No.” I picked up the picture fragment and the Anna doll, along with my purse and busted cell phone, and started to head for the door. I held the door open for Whit, and then instinctively went to lock it.

Then I realized the futility of my effort. Instead of following the others, I found myself sitting on the stoop holding Madison’s doll. My fingers began to follow the melt lines on the face, tracing the blobs of plastic.

“Mommy?”

I looked up at my baby girl.

“You’re crying Mommy. Are you going to be okay?”

Leave it my little one to pick up on her mom’s emotions. “Yeah, Mommy’s just sad.”

“I’m sad too.” She sat next to me and took her doll from my hand. I could see tears streaming down her face. I couldn’t begin to guess how she was processing what she’d been through, but we’d likely be talking about it for a long time. “It’s okay Anna, I’ll get you fixed.” As she hugged what was left of her doll, her mop of hair fell over her face, and I could hear her sob.

“Why Mommy? Why did this happen? Did I do something wrong? Is it my fault?”

“No pumpkin. You didn’t do anything wrong. None of us did. Sometimes bad things happen. And we just have to deal with it.”

After a few minutes, Madison wiped her tears and stood up. She took my hand and led me to the Jeep. Fortunately, Whit’s Jeep had been parked far enough away that the only problems were some windows cracked from the explosion. But it started fine, and we were soon on our way.

We each grabbed a cart at Target, this was going to be a big trip. First thing was some basics. Whit put on a pouty face when I steered my cart into the Men’s section and grabbed a couple of packs of boxer briefs.

“Sorry, babe, I like my comfort and no wedgies. Honestly, I don’t know how you wear some of what you have.”

“You seem to like it. I’ve noticed how you can’t keep your hands off me when I wear something cute and sexy.” She flipped her hair back and led Madison off to look at dresses. Heading over to Women’s, I filled my cart with a bunch of basic clothing and what I thought were a couple of nice tops I could wear to work.

“Hoodies, jeans, tee shirts. What, no skirts? You look good in them. You’ve got great legs you know.”

“Fine, I’ll wear shorts in the summer.”

I got an eye roll for that. “Can I at least get some dresses for Madison?”

“I don’t have a problem with dresses,” I said, “except on me.”

We cruised around the store, picking up a number of items: a new purse, wallet, and other items I needed to get by. By the time we left, we had filled three carts. I didn’t see how much it all cost, but Whit didn’t bat an eye and covered the whole bill.

“Thanks.” I murmured as we headed to her Jeep.

“Jenn, stop. Look at me.” I made contact with her big browns. “You’re not alone. We’re a team. That’s part of what being in a relationship is all about. We help each other. Something I learned when I was on the crew team. When we are all pulling in the same direction and we are in sync, we can do a lot more than we can each do individually. Sometimes we are greater than the sum of our parts.”

“I get it up here,” I pointed to my head. Then, pointing down to my heart, “but it’s going to take a while to get it down here.”

We got home and put much of what we got into the laundry. Both Madi and I changed into some of our new clothes, just because they fit better. And that way we could both rock out in our new Vans. Oh, yeah, Mamma made sure we had matching shoes. What surprised me was Whit got a pair as well. Except hers were the wrong color; she got purple instead of black.

I was busy on Whit’s computer requesting a new driver’s license and contacting my bank to get a new debit card when the doorbell rang.

“Hi Sweet Pea, Hi Jennifer, hold the door open for us will ya?” Ben had a large box in his hands and behind him were Ruben and Nathan carrying Whitney’s old dollhouse. A Whitney Enterprises transit van was backed into Whit’s driveway.

We had the transit vans and a number of trucks to pick up and deliver parts around the Puget Sound. It was a shared motor pool between the various entities. Sometimes a tug needed a part when they were out and about, and sometimes it was for a shipyard repair. Those guys often had to get a part to a broken-down fishing trawler or something, just to get them into the yard for more major repairs. And sometimes it was just a matter of picking up something from a supply store. I guess that was one of the advantages of owning the company, you could check one out when you needed to.

Edith came over shortly thereafter, and when Ruben and Nathan left, Ben and Edith offered to watch and play with Madison while Whit and I went back out shopping. We headed over to the mall to work on replacing my phone and maybe get some more shopping in.

If any of you have experienced trying to get a phone replaced when your ID and debit card have melted, you’ll understand why we left the store grumpy two hours later. But at least I had a new phone. The phone store was in the corner of the mall, and we headed over to the food court to get a snack. As we walked, Whitney grabbed my hand. As our fingers interlaced with each other’s, I placed my head on her shoulder. No way was I going to let her go again.

Like so many malls in tax season, this one was filled with pop up tax services booths. Not knocking you if you use one of these places, but Whitney had helped me with mine back in February. Maybe it was because I was tired from the craziness of the last 24 hours, but when one of the tax workers accosted me as we walked by, I decided to have a bit of fun.

“Hi Ladies, either of you need help with your taxes this year?” asked a young guy in a cheap tie, with a big button on his shirt offering a quick refund. His eyes leered over both of us. He looked like he was fresh off a used car lot, right down to his plaid polyester sports coat.

“Nah, I had mine done by a CPA this year,” I replied.

“Oh, you have to be careful with some of those CPAs out there. Some of them really want to fuck you over. How much did you have to pay?”

“Pay? I don’t know. I just let her fuck me over.” I giggled at him. I could see by the look on his face he didn’t get it. I gave Whit a peck on the cheek. “Did I pay you enough for doing my taxes this year? Did you get a good enough fucking?”

We both watched him turn red as it dawned on him what we were saying. We all laughed and wished him a good day and ended up at a smoothie bar.

It felt good to get off my feet a bit and enjoy the smoothie, but I was feeling rather self-conscious about all that Whitney had done for me today. I ran my fingers through my hair and stared off into space.

“Hey, are you holding up okay over there?” Whit’s voice brought me back into the moment.

“Just processing all that has happened since last night. I don’t know what I would be doing right now if I didn’t have you in my life. I’d probably be back in the shelter.”

“But you’re not in a shelter. We’re together, right? A team?”

“Yeah.” My mind drifted away for a moment. “Whitney, I’m glad you were with me last night. Not that you had to go through that with us. But it made one thing very clear to me. When we were huddled in the corner in the kitchen, I knew we were going to be okay. You know why?”

She shook her head no.

“You were with me. You were looking out for me. While I was trying to comfort Madison, you were comforting me.”

I could feel the tears starting to well up. Maybe it was a bit more of the emotional release from the prior night, but it was also me processing what I felt about us. A hand reached across the table and wiped a tear from my cheek.

“You know I love you, Jennifer DeLuca. I thought I had lost you once before, and last night I kept praying that I wouldn’t lose you or Madison again.”

“I know. I was just as worried about something bad happening to you as I was about Madison. But you know what? While we were in the phone store, I wasn’t at all thinking about how you were helping me. Instead, I was thinking about how you were investing in us, you and me.”

“I like the sound of that. Just do me one favor?”

“What’s that?”

“Don’t go around calling us Whitifer or something like that, okay?”

“You got yourself a deal.”

Finishing off our smoothies, we resumed walking the mall. Whit tried to get me to go into some of the more fashionable stores like Nordstrom, but the thought of trying on a bunch more clothing was mentally exhausting.

We walked around a bit more. Part of me was enjoying the simple act of holding her hand. However, when we stopped next, it was me pulling on her hand to get her to stop with me.

“Are you sure you want to go in there? Don’t get me wrong, I would love to get you something, but is that you?”

“No, not really. Maybe it’s more like I’m not quite ready for something like that. But sometime, I’d like to have something nice. Something more than just a plain white bra.” I turned and made eye contact with her. “Something for my Whitney to enjoy. My biggest concern is that they don’t have many options for smaller chested women like me.”

“There are other options besides Victoria’s Secret. I can take you to one if you like. When you’re ready.”

“That would be nice.”

We both realized we were just done for the day and started to head towards the Jeep when Whit’s phone rang.

“Hi Dad ... yeah, we got Jenn a new phone. We’re headed back now, why? ... Oh ... I see ... Um, let me check.” She put the phone on mute and looked at me. “There are a couple of police detectives at the house and would like to talk to us. Are you up for that? Or shall we tell them to come back sometime later? They’re also asking to talk to Madison. Dad wouldn’t let them talk to her until you were consulted. He thought it best that you be there when they did.”

“Tell your dad thanks. I’ll have to think about that. We’re going to have to talk to them more, aren’t we?”

“Mmm hum.” Whit bobbed her head in agreement.

“Might as well get it over with then.” The scowl on her face reminded me of the grumpy cat meme.

We got home and waiting for us were two detectives from Seattle Police Department’s vice squad. We answered their questions for over an hour. It appeared to me that they were trying to figure out how my former neighbors were connected to one of the various drug empires. In the end, I’m not sure we were much help.

“Well Madi, did you have fun playing while Mommy and Whitney were gone?”

Little Miss started dancing all around. “Papa Ben and me played with dolls and we watched a movie and Nana Edith had tea with my new dollies until Skipper came in and got in the way and we had ants on a log for snack and—”

“Did you say Papa Ben and Nana Edith?” Whitney asked. She looked at me, and we were both a bit bemused. We looked across the room at her parents sitting on the couch.

Edith came over to us. “We talked about it while you were gone, the three of us. Papa and Nana are better names than Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell. Isn’t that right Madison?”

“Yes, I had fun with Papa and Nana. Can I play with them again Mommy?”

“I’m sure there will be plenty of opportunities.” I marveled at what I was seeing. Did this mean I had been accepted by her?

Ben joined us. “Madison was a well-behaved young lady, you should be very proud of her.”

“Thank you, and good job, pumpkin.” I gave her hair a bit of a tussle.

“What’s for dinner, Mommy? I’m hungry.”

I looked at Whitney. I hadn’t even thought of anything since my mind had been on so many other things today.

Whit mouthed back to me, “Pizza?”

“How about Edith and I take our favorite three girls out for dinner?” It was quickly decided that was a good idea, and we all headed over to Ben’s favorite restaurant at Fisherman’s Terminal.

It was a casual place, where you could often see people from Seattle’s various maritime trades grabbing a bite, as well as many locals. Soon we were all laughing and having a good time. It felt good not to be thinking of recent events for a bit.

I watched Whit and Madi both dunk a French fry into a side of ranch at the same time when Edith spoke up. “Have you gotten your email hooked up yet to your new phone?”

“Not yet,” I replied.

“Well, when you do, you’ll see something special that the whole Whitney Enterprise family is doing for you. We have a history in this company, all of them, for helping our team members when someone is in need, like you are. A donation site has been set up and there’s quite a bit in there already.”

“What???”

“There should be a link in your email so you can access it. It’s tradition that dates back generations. These days we just use an online platform to simplify it. You’ll find that a good number of the employees kick in five or ten dollars. A few kick in a bit more.”

“I don’t know what to say,” I murmured.

“Well,” Ben chimed in, “you have a lot of unplanned expenses before you, so if you need any help thinking through things, there are a number of us willing to help you. Starting with this one here I think.” He put his arm around his daughter. “Ain’t that right, Sweet Pea?”

Whit was looking down at her plate. I think I heard her mutter to herself, “even if it’s a decision I don’t like.” She looked up and forced a smile onto her face. “Of course, I’m here for you.” I could tell she was trying to be upbeat, but something was a bit off.

“Are you okay dear?” Edith looked puzzled at her daughter.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking. What a crazy weekend.”

“Is that all? I mean, all three of you went through a rather traumatic experience. Part of me is still amazed at how well all of you are holding up. But maybe you’re just in the denial phase.”

“Whitney, Jennifer,” Ben spoke now. “I know your benefit plan has a counseling package with it. I suggest you both take advantage of it. Jennifer, you should get Madison signed up as well. There’s no shame in talking to a trained professional about what happened last night.”

Whit and I looked at each other and nodded our heads. “That sounds like a good idea Ben.”

Whitney

The drive home was quiet. Madison was getting tired, and both Jennifer and I were lost in our thoughts. I would have loved to know what she was thinking, but I was a bit scared to pry. I had really tried to back off and not suggest things, lest she think I was trying to run her life. But it hurt every time she said something about getting a new apartment. I didn’t know what I needed to do to be good enough for her.

I glanced over and noticed that she was staring out her window. Reaching over, I placed my hand on hers and gave it a squeeze. “Hey, what do you want to do tonight?”

“Not much. Need to get Madi to bed soon, then I don’t know. Maybe snuggle and a movie?”

We watched an episode of Madison’s favorite cooking show, then got her tucked into bed. I watched Skipper curl up at the foot of her bed as Jenn tucked her in.

Soon we were snuggled up in our old spots on the couch, my arms wrapped around her. I’m not sure who fell asleep first but neither of us remember the movie ending. I’m not sure how the algorithm pulled up and started Thelma & Louise after Katharine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart appeared in The African Queen. But that is what I recall seeing for a moment before Jenn turned it off. I do remember her snuggling up to me after we went to bed and her holding my hand to her breast as we both fell asleep.

The next morning, I greeted Jenn with a kiss in the kitchen and a cup of coffee. “Morning babe.” I might not have felt all that enthusiastic, but I was going to try to put on a happy face. Madi was already situated and working on a bowl of cereal for her breakfast.

“Hi, thanks for getting her going this morning. It felt good just to sleep in a bit. I feel so overwhelmed with everything right now.”

I looked at her, wanting to jump in and solve problems, but I knew that would just make her frustrated. I had to let her go at her own pace.

“How can I help you? Is there anything you want me to do?”

“Thanks, I’m not sure right now. You’ve done so much for me already.”

“Okay, just let me know. Say, have you taken a look at the donation site yet?”

Jenn pulled out her phone, and I could see her fingers flying around on it.

“Oh my god!” Jenn’s jaw dropped as she stared at her phone.

“Is it good?”

“Um, do you know how much is in there?”

“No, I’ve not looked.”

“There’s almost eighteen thousand dollars in there. Most of the donations are five or ten bucks, a few at twenty. But there are three here at five thousand each. It says they’re anonymous.”

“Well, that’s going to help, right?” I thought I knew who those large ones were from. My mom and uncles often lead the charge to help out our team.

“Yeah, I can replace my car and still have some money to put down on a new place. Plus get some furnishings for it.”

As she said that, it felt like a punch to my gut. Her own place. Not with me. I walked over and looked out the window to try to hide my face. It was all I could do to not break down right there. After a moment I turned, keeping my back to her, and left the kitchen. As I left, I said, “I need to get my run in, I’m going to go change.”

I had hoped to slip out in silence, but as I came back downstairs in my running gear, I heard Jenn call out to me. “Can I borrow your car keys? I just found a deal on an apartment, and I had better jump on it if I want to stand a chance.”

“Um sure, they’re on the table by the stairs. I’m going out, be back in a bit. Are you good? Need me to point anything out on the Jeep?”

“Nah, I think I can figure it out. Madi, can you go upstairs and get dressed quickly for Mommy? See you when you get back.”

I headed out the door. I had zero motivation to run today but just needed to get out and collect my thoughts. Why did she have to insist on getting her own place again? Every time I thought about it, I couldn’t stop thinking that I was doing something wrong, that I wasn’t good enough for her or something. Why else would she be looking for a new place?

I started to run and got about a half a mile in, when I realized the futility of what I was doing and started to head back, slowly, just walking. As I passed the park, I could hear kids playing, and the sound of their excitement hit me like a ton of bricks. There was a park bench on the edge that was free, and I sat on it.

I watched the kids play and contemplated life. What would it mean if Jenn found her own place again? It was doubtful that she would be able to find another deal like her last place anywhere close to my house or work. She would likely end up in some distant suburb with a long commute. If that were the case, it would make our relationship difficult at best.

I’m not sure how long I was there, but it was for quite a while. I watched as a mom and her kids, who arrived about the same time I did, headed out of the park and down the street. As much as I tried to clear my mind, my thoughts kept returning to me and Jenn. But never in a good way. Every scenario I thought of ended with me standing alone as she walked out of my life.

“Oh Whit, you’re just overreacting.” My inner optimist tried to assert herself and cheer me up.

“No, you’re not,” said my other voice. “She’s looking for a place because she doesn’t want to live with you. You’re not good enough for her. You weren’t good enough for your mother, for Marci, for Heather, and not for her. Face it, Whitney, you’re a failure.”

“I’m NOT!” I screamed to myself. I hunched forward and stared at my shoes. A lump formed in my throat, and I could feel my body shake. Emotions began to well up from deep down, and I placed my face in my hands and massaged my temples. My head hurt. “I’m not—” I muttered to myself.

“You’re not what?”

That voice, it wasn’t mine. I lifted my head as someone sat next to me. I could feel a hand take mine.

“Are you okay Miss Whitney?”

I looked at the munchkin sitting next to me.

“Kinda, where’s your mommy? How long have you been here?”

“We just got here. Mommy is over there talking to Dijon’s mommy.” She pointed across the park, and I could see Jenn talking to her friend. “I was getting on the swing and saw you crying. I thought you needed a friend.”

My little friend gave me a hug. Exactly what was needed right now. I was about to say I wasn’t crying, but then felt the wetness on my face and hands.

“Pumpkin, you’d better play with your friend a bit; she has to leave in five minutes.” I got another hug from the munchkin, and she took off to play with her friend. “Hi.” Jenn stood there. An awkward tension hung in the air.

“Hi,” I replied. My voice was as bland and monotone as I could make it.

“You okay?”

“Yes ... sorta ... okay, not really ... Is it that obvious?”

“Your eyes are bloodshot.

“Oh.” Words. I knew I should say more words but couldn’t come up with any at the moment. Instead, we both sat there.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Finally, Jenn sat down next to me.

“You mean you don’t know?”

“Ah, I’m not a mind reader here.”

Our eyes made contact. I tried to read her expression, but with all my frustration, I couldn’t figure her out at the moment. And then I froze. I didn’t know how to say what was on my heart. I know that if I opened up, that would be it. We would be done.