Chapter 2

Jennifer

Whitney caught me as I fell, and I immediately felt safe. Her steadying arms wrapped around me, pulling me into her. Her big brown eyes were mesmerizing. In that moment, the entire world faded out and all I could see was her. I watched as she leaned forward, and I closed my eyes, fearing she would shy away. Never in my life had I felt anything like this, certainly not with Madi’s father. Her lips were soft as they pressed into mine. No sordid tongues, just the lingering taste of her lip gloss and warmth of her heart.

You’ve heard some people say they saw stars when they had their first kiss? Or like a bolt of electricity hitting them? I’d have to say those analogies are poor ones for what I felt, but I’m not sure I know the right word to use other than magical.

My eyes were fluttering, as I processed what had just happened, when someone said it bluntly and perfectly.

“Mommy, you just kissed Miss Whitney!” Whitney and I both looked down and smiled at Madi.

“Yes, pumpkin, I kissed Miss Whitney. Is that okay with you?”

“Does that mean you love her?” There’s nothing like an unfiltered four-year-old to ask the real question swirling around in my heart that I wasn’t sure I knew the answer to. But I knew I wanted to find out.

“Um, that’s something that you don’t get to ask, sweetie. But I sure do like her.” I couldn’t contain the smile on my face or the warm fuzzies I was feeling.

“Do you like Mommy, Miss Whitney?”

“You’d better believe it, munchkin. How about we go over to the snack bar and get some hot cocoa?”

Thank you, Whit, for changing the subject. She took my hand, and we skated over to the snack bar. Wow, what had I just done? I was all butterflies now. Was I really going to do this romance thing?

I had been thinking about it for a couple of days, especially after last night. Holding her hand had opened up parts of my heart I had not opened in years. My past was starting to make sense as well; why I’d turned down so many offers to go on a date from my male classmates. I realized I had been completely uninterested in them.

With Madi’s father Dallas, it was more of a relationship of convenience and lifelong friendship. We had known each other since elementary school, had many mutual friends in common, and hung out in the same social group often. The others in our circle were mostly paired up, so it was natural when we paired up as well. It was just what you did in a small town.

We had only gone on a few dates when Senior Prom rolled around. I think we both wanted to see what this sex thing was all about, and neither of us wanted to graduate as virgins. We had stopped in the empty parking lot of an office building in a dark corner. A couple of swigs of pilfered liquid courage, and we were in the back seat. That experience hadn’t been bad, but it was nothing like this.

I stumbled my way to a seat as Whit got three hot cocoas. Suddenly I was watching her in a whole new light and was otherwise lost in space. Whit gave Madi hers with a candy cane stuck in it. Little Miss greedily sucked on the candy cane as her drink cooled.

Whit slid next to me and slipped her arm around me. “Um, was that okay back there?”

I had to concentrate on her voice, as her beautiful brown eyes captivated my attention.

“Sorry, I didn’t quite plan it that way. It just felt like the natural thing to do and...”

“It was perfect, Whit. Deep down, I was kinda hoping something like this would happen. I was more surprised with my mini me around than anything else.”

“Whew.”

I could see the relief on her face. I think the fears of rejection are always going to be present with her. Whit nudged me with her elbow and guided my view out to the rink. Her friend Molly skated past us with both thumbs up.

“I think she saw us,” Whit said, sarcastically chuckling.

“I think the whole rink saw us,” I confirmed, acknowledging the obvious.

“Are you fine with that?”

“With people knowing I kissed a woman? Why wouldn’t I be? Not like it is any of their business.”

“What about your friends or your mom?”

“Chantal won’t care. She’s probably had sex with a woman before. I know she used to be an escort, so who knows what she did. The ladies from church, them I’m not sure about. My mom, she probably won’t care. I don’t talk to her much.”

“What are you thinking now?”

“That if you don’t take me back out there soon and hold my hand, you’re going to be in trouble.” I gave Whit an expectant look.

“Not yet Mommy, I’ve gots to finish my candy cane.” I had been so focused on Whitney that I had forgotten about my daughter for a moment. I looked over at her and saw the big red candy stains on the side of her mouth. Whit and I both laughed.

“Stay here, I’ll get a few napkins to clean her up with.” Whitney said.

Even with skates on, Whit walked across the rubberized floor with grace. We got Madison cleaned up then made our way back to the ice. Never in my life have I had more fun. I felt alive, with not a care in the world. Even though I fell a few times, and crashed into the wall a lot, having Whit there to pick me up made it worthwhile.

“I’d better wear tights or slacks tomorrow, otherwise I’ll have to explain the bruises I know I’m going to have,” I mused as we came off the ice and got our shoes back on. Leaving the building, I found both my hands being held: one by a little girl who I knew loved me with every bone in her body, and the other by a big girl who I was hoping would do the same.

Once back in Whit’s car, as we pulled out, I got a bit of a side eye from her. “Jenn? Can I ask you something rather selfish?”

“Um, okay?” I was nervous by how she phrased her question.

“I don’t want today to end, spending time with you, that is. I ... um ... like you, a lot and um...” Her knuckles were almost white with her grip on the steering wheel and her eyes were locked on the road ahead, “Would you like to have dinner with me again, tonight?”

Whit risked a glance towards me and I saw her match the big, silly grin on my face. I felt myself pushed back in my seat as she stomped on the gas in further reply.

We were pulling into her garage when she suggested, “Grab your bags and you can run your shopping haul through my laundry. I’ve a bunch of extra hangers in the laundry room.”

Once parked and unloaded, Madi wanted to carry the bags by herself from the thrift store up the two flights of stairs, but I gave her a hand for the last flight and a half. Whit showed me where her laundry closet was and once she saw I was comfortable with her washer’s controls, she headed back down to her kitchen, leaving me to manage the rest.

“How does pizza sound?” she hollered up to me.

I heard Whit rummage around in the kitchen as I rejoined her and Madi. I stood in the door and watched my little girl be Whit’s shadow, following her around.

“Can we have pepperoni, Miss Whitney?”

“Do you like pepperoni too, Madi? It’s like my f-a-a-a-a-v-o-r-i-t-e kind.” Whit looked so cute as she got down on a knee to be at eye level with Madi and made exaggerated arm gestures.

“Don’t you think that was a bit over the top?” I whispered. Whit just smiled, whipped out her phone, and ordered via an app.

“Can I watch a movie, Miss Whitney?” Madi had already sat down in front of the TV with the remote in her hand. Skipper was rubbing her head against her new friend’s tummy, contentedly purring.

“If it’s okay with your mommy, it’s okay with me.”

I helped my daughter find something I approved of. This time it was A Charlie Brown Christmas. Then I left her to her cartoons and found Whit in the kitchen. She handed me a glass of red.

The wine was mellow and relaxing, but I knew something that would taste better. “Whitney, er, someone’s in the other room, and I think she’s—” She didn’t let me finish my thought. She pulled me to her, and I tasted her lips. Again, it was as if the whole world disappeared. My hands did their share of touching too. Feeling the back of her sweater, I pulled myself as tight against her as I could.

I had hugged and cuddled Madison countless times, when she was scared, or hurt, or just needed a mommy snuggle, but this was different. This time I was the one being loved on. It felt wonderful.

Resting my head on her shoulder, I softly spoke, “I think I’m going to grow used to this. I hope it’s ok with you.”

“This is very ok, Jenn.” Soft lips made contact with mine and our tongues did another dance.

“Miss Whitney, are you kissing Mommy again?” We looked at each other. Busted!

“Yes, munchkin, and I think I’m going to do it again.”

“Well, someone’s at the door, Miss Whitney.” This time I heard the doorbell. Must be the pizza guy.

“Shit.” Whit hurried downstairs to get the pizza.

“Mommy, Miss Whitney said a swear a-g-a-i-i-i-n. Is she ever going to get in trouble for saying swears?” Now her hands were on her hips, just like my mother used to stand when she scolded me as a girl. It must be in her DNA.

“What should her punishment be?”

“Make her have us come over for dinner more so I can play with Skipper.” She picked up her little friend that was rubbing against her leg.

“Then I’m going to say lots of swears, Madi,” Whit told her, as she returned and set the pizza on the kitchen island. She pulled out some paper plates and napkins and set them next to the pizza. “Pizza tastes better on paper plates,” she stated, matter-of-factly, as if she’d said that the atomic symbol for iron is Fe. “Mommy, can my friend Madi have some apple juice?” Two sets of brown eyes looked at me pleadingly.

“Sure. Just remember, Madison, what happens at Miss Whitney’s...”

“Stays at Miss Whitney’s. I know Mommy.”

I next watched in horror as the bottle of Ranch was produced and a large dollop was squirted out onto Whit’s plate.

“You’re not going to—”

“Oh. Yes. I. Am.” She dunked the tip of her pizza into the white sauce.

“Heathen! Apostate! Oh, the humanity!” I said, to no one in particular. “Next you’re going to tell me you put ranch on your hot wings.”

“Does the sun rise in the east?”

“Ugh, you are impossible, Whit. Everyone knows you put blue cheese dressing on buffalo wings.”

I shook my head in horror as my daughter lifted the bottle of dressing. Whit gave her a hand, and moments later Madison fell to the dark side.

“Mommy, we need to get some ranch at home. This is g-o-o-o-o-d.” Which was obvious by the amount smeared around her lips.

“Whitney, I don’t know about this. You’re corrupting my sweet innocent daughter.”

Whit walked around the island and leaned her head into mine and whispered into my ear, “But it’ll be more fun corrupting you, my friend.” She gave me a peck on the cheek, and as she walked away I sharply inhaled. The events of the day began to swirl all around me. I found myself holding the edge of the counter to steady myself.

Fuck. Well, you know the old saying, if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. So that’s what I did. After moving my clothes to the dryer, I took my wine and sat down on the couch. It didn’t take Skipper long to spot me entering the room, and about a moment after I sat down she hopped into my lap and curled up. The two of us sat there for a bit, thinking about the world.

“Everything okay? You bolted out of the kitchen. Are you mad at me?” Playful Whit was gone, replaced by a concerned, caring friend.

“No, I’m not mad. It’s just hit me, that’s all. I’m trying to process everything.” I gave her a sideways glance and returned my focus to the purring fur ball in my lap.

“Jennifer, do you regret anything that has happened?”

“No. The reality of today just hit me. What this is going to mean. This is not your first relationship with a woman. You’re not thinking about how this will impact your daughter or your new job. I’ve a million things swirling around in my head. I need a moment to process this all.” On their own accord, my fingers ran through my hair.

“I can back off Jenn, give you some space. If you want? I mean, I would rather have you just as a friend than push things and have you run away on me.” Her voice was unsteady as she spoke.

“Whit ... Whitney, we don’t need to back off, except just maybe not in front of Madison? At least for a while?”

“I can do that.”

“I’m just worried about how things will go for her at preschool. She has no filter between her brain and mouth. I don’t want her to be bullied because her mom kissed a woman” —I reached over and lifted her chin up and pulled it so she was facing me— “and wants to spend more time with that woman.”

Whitney’s eyes lit up. She looked around the room and saw that Madison had joined us and was turning on the TV, so she squeezed my hand instead.

“Only a few more minutes, honey, we have to get up and going early in the morning. I have to get you to preschool right when they open so I can get my bus to start my new job on time.”

“One show, Mommy?”

“Sure, pumpkin.” I really intended to keep the physical contact with Whit limited in front of Madison, but Whit’s shoulder was so inviting that I just had to put my head on it, and I snuggled into her.

About halfway through the program, Whit tapped my leg to get my attention. “Clothes, dryer.” Whoops, how did we forget? Whit gave me a hand, pulling stuff out and getting onto hangers. Nothing was too badly wrinkled. As I was putting a blouse on a hanger, I felt her hug me from behind.

“You know, someone is downstairs and distracted.” I set the hanger down and spun around in her arms. This time I let her have her way with my lips. Her tongue danced with mine, and any lingering memories of Madison’s father fell away into the ash heap of history.

Her soft hand caressed my cheek, and our foreheads pressed together. “Whitney, that was wonderful. I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling right now other than wow.”

“That, my friend, is a perfect description. The feeling is mutual, by the way. But we should probably get back downstairs.”

Whit and I loaded up the Jeep with my new clothes and then got Little Miss ready to go. As we pulled up to my apartment, I was reminded again of how different we were. My little one-bedroom was maybe a quarter the size of her place. And half my paycheck went to rent. Come on, girl, you worked hard to get this place and get this far. Be proud of yourself. My inner monologue was waging a war with herself, and even though the brave face part of me was fighting a good fight I was afraid the defeatist was winning at the moment.

I made some space in my closet as Whit handed me hangers. I guess the advantage of not having a ton of clothes is that there was some space available for them.

“Are you okay Jenn? You’ve gotten rather quiet,” she asked me, her voice concerned. A hand reached out and held onto my arm.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied. “Just nervous about starting tomorrow.” That sounded plausible. She cocked her head a bit to the side. If she didn’t buy it, she wasn’t calling me on it.

“You’ll do fine.” She gave me a hug. “I should probably let you get the munchkin to bed.” Slowly she made her way to the door. I don’t think either of us wanted her to leave, but it needed to happen at some point. There was a longing look on her face. She turned and headed out.

“Whit, wait.” I grabbed her arm. I looked back and Madison was sitting, reading a library book. Returning my eyes to her, I bit my lip. “Look, I said no kissing in front of Madison, but maybe a goodnight kiss can be an exception?” Whitney perked up and embraced me. We traded goodnights, and she slipped into the darkness, but I think with more of a spring to her step than she had a moment before.

I sat on my battered old sofa next to my daughter and watched her “read” her book. I think, in reality, she had it memorized. Madison closed her book and snuggled with me.

“Mommy, do you like Miss Whitney?”

“Yes, she’s my friend. Why do you ask, honey?”

“I like her too. She has pretty hair.”

“Yes, she does. But more importantly, she’s a nice person.”

“Why do you kiss her, Mommy? You have other friends and you don’t kiss them.”

“Well, honey, she makes Mommy happy. You want Mommy to be happy, right?”

“Yes, you’ve been sad a lot, Mommy. You need to be happy.” The hug I got from my mini me was priceless.

“You know what would also make Mommy happy?”

“What?”

“If a certain little girl got her jammies on and teeth brushed right away without fussing.” It didn’t take long to get ready for bed, and soon she was out like a light. I pulled out my phone.

Me: And she’s asleep

Whit: Now you can relax

Me: Yeah, not going to make it much longer myself.

Whit: Get a good night’s sleep, babe. 💗

Me: You too.

Whit: Skipper wants to know if her friend can come over and play tomorrow night? Maybe have dinner with Skipper’s mommy?

Me: Maybe, will see how well I hold up tomorrow.

Whit: Ok, but all the more reason to come over here and relax. 😊

\|/

“Whitney Maritime, how may I help you? ... Dispatch office? ... Certainly, one moment please.” I was getting the hang of my new job. I looked at the clock, 4:55, almost done for the day.

DING! I looked at my phone.

Whit: Almost done! Good first day?

Me: Yeah, getting the hang of it.

Whit: When you get done and walk out, look to your left.

Me:?

Whit: Just do it ok?

When five pm rolled around, I shut my computer down and set the phones to unattended. My boss, Ginny, checked in with me and I headed out the door.

“Need a lift?” A familiar Jeep was parked next to the handicap space.

“Err, let’s see,” I said, climbing in. “Not walking six blocks to catch a bus, hoping I don’t miss it and then worry about picking up Madison before six. Yeah, I’m in.”

Whit smiled at me. “Skipper demanded that I come get you. She threatened to hack up a hairball in my face if Madison didn’t come over tonight.”

“Sure, she did.” I gave her a big eye roll for that whopper.

“Besides, this way I get to do this.” Her wonderful lips pressed themselves to mine. My heart fluttered again.

“Well, if that is the tax I have to pay to get a ride, then I want the worst accountant to do my taxes for me so I have to pay a lot.”

Whit snickered. “Nobody has ever asked me to be the worst tax accountant before, and so they could pay more. But in this case, I like it.”

We pulled out and headed to the preschool.

“How was work?” Whit kept stealing glances of me as she deftly navigated the rush hour traffic.

“Great, everyone was really friendly and helpful. I think I’m going to enjoy working there.”

“Way cool! See, I told you they were good people there. And I bet a lot of the crew came through the front door today as well.”

“Fredina, the gal I’m replacing, was a bit surprised to see them use the front door instead of the one by the break room.”

“I’m not. Who wouldn’t want to check out the hot blonde at the front desk?” A smirk crossed Whit’s face.

“Well, there is a rumor going around that the new hot blonde is seeing someone.”

“Already?”

“Well, I think I better get that one started anyway, otherwise I have a feeling some of them are going to hit on me.”

“And what’d you do if they did?” As we pulled up to a red light, Whit looked my way. Dang, she looked good. It was all I could do to not grab her and plant my lips on hers.

“Would telling them ‘my girlfriend wouldn’t like it if I saw someone else’ be an appropriate answer?”

“I like that answer.”

“So, does that mean we’re like, official? Sorry, I haven’t done this dating thing since high school.”

“We can be official if you like. Let’s just say I’d be very disappointed if I saw you holding hands or kissing someone else.”

“Same. My brain is adjusting to the idea of dating in general and, furthermore, dating a woman. A few days ago, the idea of kissing or dating a woman just never crossed my mind. Before I would observe an attractive woman, just like I would an attractive man and think, ‘oh, nice.’ This morning on the bus I saw a woman going to some office job and my heart did a flip. Later it was weird, but I noticed the models on the covers of some magazines left in the break room. Stuff I just never really saw before. Yeah, definitely going to take some adjusting, in a good way.” I looked over at Whit and saw a smile on her face. She placed her hand on my thigh and gave it a squeeze.

“You know what’s not weird, Whit?”

“What’s that?”

“That I’m with you. Being with you feels like the most normal thing in the world.” This got me a double squeeze.

Whitney pulled into the parking lot and we both went in to get Madison. She was picking up some stuffies with Dijon when we walked in.

“Mommy! Miss Whitney!” She came running over to us, but I noticed she gave Whit a hug first. Her teacher came over with her backpack and coat.

“She was excellent again today. You must be her new friend Whitney. All she could talk about was mommy’s new friend and that she has a kitty named Skipper.”

“Yep, Skipper was cranky today, no one around to scratch her ears.”

“Okay, pumpkin, time to say goodbye to Miss Emily and your friends.”

She waved, and we headed to Whitney’s for dinner and the evening. Madi smiled, a hand being held by each of her favorite adults.

\|/

The next day was a hectic morning on the phone. It was later than I wanted, but I pulled out my lunch and had a couple bites of my Peanut Butter and Jelly. I was about to text Whit when Ginny joined me.

“Hey Jennifer, how is it going?”

“Good, phones were going off the hook earlier like crazy.”

“Yeah, there was some mixup in dispatch. The wrong tugs in the wrong place at the wrong time. Some people will not be happy.” She shook her head. She had that look of an HR and Office Manager that knew someone’s job might be in jeopardy. “So, I saw you got a ride home last night.”

“Yeah, my friend surprised me last night. Helped me pick up Madison and then we went to her place for dinner.”

“That’s cool. I don’t mean to pry, but that Jeep looked familiar.”

“Well, my girlfriend Whitney had mentioned that she’d done the corporate taxes here for a few years, so I figured that is how she knew where this was.”

“Whitney, as in Whitney Mitchell?”

“Yeah?” Why was I suddenly nervous? I had to wipe my hands with a napkin to get the sudden clamminess off of them.

“Jennifer, do you know why this company is called Whitney Maritime?”

“I think I saw it was named after the founder Silas Whitney in the late 1800s.” I was proud of myself. I had seen it on their website when I was applying for the position.

“Correct. He founded the company, followed by his son, then later his grandson Nathan. Nathan had three children, Silas is the President of ESR Holdings, which owns us, the shipyard and the fueling company. Plus, a bunch of real estate and other things. His younger brother Ruben is the CFO. His older sister, Edith, is chairperson of the board. She is married to Ben Mitchell, a local prominent accountant, and the managing partner of the firm Mitchell & Lombardi.”

I set my sandwich down and just stared at her. My mouth hung open as I realized who my girlfriend was.

She continued, “And they have a single child, a daughter, Whitney.”

“So, you’re telling me my new girlfriend is the daughter of my boss’s boss?”

“Something like that. Maybe a couple more layers in there but yes. You really didn’t know? Yikes, sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, I’m glad you did. Sucks that I have to find out this way. In fact, it kinda makes me mad.”

“I didn’t mean to cause problems, Jennifer. Sorry, I thought you knew.”

“Well, we’ve only known each other a couple of weeks now. At least I know I got the job on my own merit, as I hadn’t met her yet when you offered me the job.”

Why was I getting so agitated by this? Did she not trust me to know who she was? Didn’t think the poor single mom could deal with the facts? I looked at my simple PB&J and decided I wasn’t hungry anymore. I put my leftovers back in my lunch sack and pushed away from the table. Glancing at the clock, I saw I had twenty minutes left on my break.

“Ginny, if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to take a little walk.” Heading outside, I walked down the street and sat on a bench by the shipyard.

I didn’t get it. Why was she withholding that? In fact, why did she lie about it? She should have told me the other day, but just said she did their taxes. Which was probably true? However, I’ve told Madison that not telling me something important was just like lying to me.

Not going to lie here, the afternoon was tough. I did my best to be professional. I don’t think Fredina noticed anything, but Ginny stopped by a few times and checked on me. As the end of the day approached, I realized I didn’t want to get a ride or go over to Whit’s tonight. Not sure if she would be waiting out front, I slipped out the side door and cut through the shipyard parking lot and over to the bus stop. I was nearing the church when I got a text from Whitney.

I looked at my phone; she was in the parking lot waiting for me, wondering where I was. Not like she had said she would meet me. We had no formal plans. She had just assumed the poor girl needed help. Well, I didn’t. After the fourth text, I figured I had better say something or she would keep pestering me.

Me: On the bus, almost to the preschool.

Whitney: Oh, I thought I was going to give you and Madi a ride home.

Me: That’s ok, we can walk home. It’s not raining tonight.

Whitney: Did you want to come over for dinner tonight?

Not really, I thought to myself. I pulled the cord to request the bus to stop at the next corner. Little Miss was disappointed that we were walking home tonight. My phone buzzed again with another text from Whitney. I ignored it.

Which of course was probably not the best decision I could have made. Madison and I rounded the corner and there in front of my apartment was a certain dark green Jeep.

We were walking up to our door when I heard the car door close.

“Are you mad at me or something? Are you going to talk to me?”

Unlocking the door, I got Madison inside and told her I’d be with her in a moment.

“You lied to me Whitney Mitchell.” Grumpy mommy mode was fully engaged now. Whitney jumped at my tone.

“Lied to you? About what?”

“You knew who I was working for, and not by just doing their taxes, daughter of Edith Whitney Mitchell. Sometimes a lie can be what is unsaid when it should be said.”

I saw her gulp and get rather red in the face.

“Jenn.”

“Don’t Jenn me right now, Whitney.” I might have emphasized the last syllable of her name more than I probably should have. “Madison needs me right now.” I turned and went inside and left her standing out there.

\|/

Whitney

I probably stood out there for two minutes, watching her door to see if she would come back out. It gets dark here early this time of year, and since today is the winter solstice, sunset was two hours ago. So, standing on a poorly lit sidewalk was not the best choice to make. I got back in my Jeep and after another minute of indecision, started it up and headed home.

Skipper was rather confused when I walked in by myself. She expected to see her new friend, just like I did. The thought of dinner was no longer appealing. There was the chicken I was going to prepare for dinner that night sitting in the fridge that I pushed to one side to get to the bottle of white wine.

Oh god, what the fuck have I done? Why didn’t I just tell her earlier? What was I afraid of?

Sitting in my chair, I watched the flames flicker in the fireplace. Wine is more enjoyable with a fire, but it was not doing it for me tonight. I needed something stronger, but I don’t like to partake of that alone. So, I did what I often did on nights like this, I called Molly.

“Hey girl, what’s up? How is that new girlfriend of yours?”

“Not good. You able to come over? I think I need some of the hard stuff tonight.”

“Uh oh, that bad?”

“I think I fucked up big time.”

“Chocolate Peanut Butter Split fuck up or New York Super Fudge Chunk fuck up?”

“Brownie Batter Core level of fuck up.” I could see Molly facepalming herself right now in my mind. It had started in college, but we had rated our levels of fucking things up beyond all recognition by flavors of Ben and Jerry’s. The ones with the gooey core in the middle were reserved for the highest level of fuckupery.