Chapter 3

The next time vanilla struck, it almost ruined my friendship with Stacy. She had been dating Ryan for a number of weeks. They hadn’t gone all the way yet, although they had certainly messed around plenty. She expected it was going to happen this night, though; her parents were staying out late, so the two of them would have her house to themselves for hours. First, though, the three of us were going to take in an afternoon showing of the latest big-budget action movie. I could tell Stacy was doing her best to be appealing: her makeup was prettier and less angry-looking than normal, and she was wearing a miniskirt instead of jeans or cargo pants. She was also wearing perfume for the first time; unfortunately, that perfume was vanilla-based.

It took a while to kick in. I didn’t really notice much on the bus ride to the theater; I guess I was just sort of distracted, and spent more time than normal looking at guys’ butts. It got stronger as we sat in the theater watching previews. I couldn’t stop thinking about sex, and the gorgeous guy sitting next to me. I wanted him to fuck me - I needed him to. I tried to put those thoughts out of my head, but nothing else would stay in their place. It was like an itch in my mind that I desperately needed to scratch. As the movie began to play, I dug my hands into my crotch to try to soothe the feeling, but that didn’t help. I’ve heard friends describe anxiety attacks, where your body desperately screams at you, “you must get out of this situation”, even though it doesn’t make sense. I guess it was kinda like that. It wasn’t exactly fear, and it wasn’t exactly pain, but it was just as powerful - just as unbearable. Eventually, I had to do the only thing I could to make the feeling stop, even though I knew it was really really bad. I whispered to Ryan, “Come with me, please. It’s really important.”

I waited for Ryan at the entrance to the theater, out of sight from Stacy and the other movie-watchers. As soon as Ryan approached, I sprung to my tip-toes and kissed him, invading his mouth with my tongue, and at the same time plunged my hand down his pants and fished for his package. He removed my hand from his pants and held me by the arms at a distance. “Kaitlyn, what are you doing?”

I squirmed, trying to break his hold and press myself closer as I spoke. “I need this. I need us to have sex. Please? We won’t tell Stacy. Think how much longer you’ll be able to last later with her if you do it with me now. It’ll make her first time that much better!” Part of me knew that what I was saying was bullshit, and hurtful, but another part of me was convinced it was true.

Ryan was unconvinced. “You fucking psycho!” he said, as he released me and walked back into the theater.

The dread hadn’t been that bad for a minute or two, while it felt like I was making progress, but it came crashing back after Ryan’s rejection. I left the theater and wandered, looking for some other way to satisfy my need. I made crazed propositions to three other men before one of them finally took me up on it. He was a shaggy-looking 20 year old theater employee - probably a dope head - who didn’t seem to care if he got fired. He fucked me from behind as I stood over a men’s room toilet, my arms resting on the toilet tank and my face inches from the grime-coated wall. I didn’t come, but it was still an amazingly powerful experience. The sense of relief from my life-or-death struggle, mingled with the sexual stimulation, left my body flooded with all sorts of sensations and a general far-away euphoria. The theater guy pumped his seed into me with glee and then thanked me and left me alone.

I went to the girls’ room to clean up, after. As I sat on the toilet waiting for the goo to seep out of me, the haze lifted from my mind and the consequences of what I had just done sunk in on me. I had just fucked a stranger - a dirty looking guy in a dirty looking place, without a condom - for one. I was already on the pill for non-contraceptive reasons, but who knows what diseases that guy had? More importantly, though, I had just tried to fuck my best friend’s boyfriend, with her yards away. I had no idea how I would explain it to her.

As it turns out, I never got the chance. Stacy and Ryan were gone from the theater. She wouldn’t answer her phone or reply to my texts. I left voicemails begging for her forgiveness and a chance to talk to her about it, but she never called me back. By the time I got home she had unfriended me everywhere.

My mom saw me crying and asked what was wrong. “I hit on Stacy’s boyfriend and now she hates me!” I replied. “I don’t even know why I did it!”

“Oh, honey,” Mom said, pulling me into a hug. “Hormones can really twist your thinking around at your age. You made a mistake. But your friendship with Stacy is strong. You’ll get past it - she just needs a little time.”