Chapter 2

It was only three day later that catastrophe struck the Owens family. Tawny received a phone call informing her that Jim had been killed when his plane went down after experiencing an in-flight fire. He had been able to convince one of the other managers to fill in for him the last couple of days of the seminar and had taken an early flight home only to have it crash killing all on board.

Tawny was devastated while Chris was numb not knowing if he should be experiencing sorrow or something else since he and his father had grown steadily apart over the last two years.

Arrangements were made and the funeral was held three days later. Primarily co-workers and some neighborhood friends attended as Jim had no surviving relatives and Tawny’s only living relative was her sister Trudy who flew in from Chicago.

The morning after the funeral the three, Tawny, Trudy and Chris were sitting at the breakfast table when the phone rang.

“Hello,” answered Chris who was closest to the phone. “Yes, just a moment.” with a puzzled look he handed the phone to his mother. “It’s for you, a Dr. Markwell.”

Tawny too was puzzled. She knew no one by that name. “Hello, this is Tawny Owens.”

“Mrs. Owens, my name is David Markwell, Dr. David Markwell. I would first like to offer my condolences on your loss. You do not know me but your husband was a patient of mine.”

“Jim? I never heard him mention your name.”

“And you wouldn’t have. I am a psychiatrist. Your husband preferred to keep his visits private.”

“Jim? Seeing a psychiatrist? I find that hard to believe,” she replied, a touch of skepticism creeping into her voice.

“I realize this is sudden and unexpected. I will be glad to explain everything, but over the phone is not the proper way. May I suggest you come to my office, say tomorrow at 3:00pm. We can meet and I will explain everything and answer all your questions. My office is at 147 Sussex Complex, office 7B.”

“I ... I ... I will want to bring my son.”

“Of course, Chris will be welcome as well. May I expect you at 3:00?”

“Uh, well ... Yes, I suppose.”

“Very good. I will see you then. Again please accept my condolences.”

Tawny looked at the two more puzzled now than before. She explained the call. As expected, Chris was skeptical but when she told him the doctor had agreed to his accompanying her he could find no real objections.

“But, a psychiatrist?” posed Trudy.

“Yeah, that is strange. Jim never once mentioned seeing a doctor of any kind, let alone a psychiatrist.”

“Well, I for one, want to hear what this “doctor” has to say,” said Chris.

And after a few more minutes of speculation none of the three could come up with any reason not to go and the conversation turned to other topics.

“Mrs. Owen? I’m Dr. Markwell,” said the man who entered the waiting room. He was of average height but his face was kind and, coupled with his age of 64, gave him a fatherly stature.

Tawny and Chris were ushered into his office, a small area with overstuffed chairs looking more like a comfy den than office.

“I know you have lots of questions but let me start by offering my thanks for your agreeing to meet with me. From talking with your husband I know you ... both of you have been through a lot in the last couple of years.”

Tawny and Chris both sat close together while the doctor sat at his small desk.

“I will come right to the point,” he said, “Normally everything I am going to tell you would be kept confidential, but two things have altered that. First your husband’s death eases some restrictions, but more importantly my call to you and your presence here today are because your husband specifically asked me to explain his situation to you in case something happened to him. I agreed and with his death, here we are. “Your husband, Jim, came to me about nine months ago. He had been to see three separate specialists who had all given him the same diagnosis. He was suffering from a very rare genetic condition mostly found in young adult and middle aged men. The condition is both physical and psychological. The physical aspect of the condition results in severe ED or erectile dysfunction. This, alone can cause men to pull away from their partners and loved ones, but another aspect of the genetic problem is that it causes a loss of self esteem which also contributes to a tendency to isolate oneself and disassociate with those he would normally love the most.”

Tawny and Chris looked at each other. “I ... I thought he might be having an affair,” she said.

“With his condition an affair would be out of the question. He simply would be incapable.”

“Then why not tell me? Why not share his problem with us and let us help?”

“Some men might, but Jim felt that since nothing could be done for his ED he would only be burdening you with an insoluble problem which by the time he came to see me, was almost complete. I began seeing him on a regular basis, first to enable him to learn to live with his condition and secondly I repeatedly encouraged him to share his situation with you and ultimately with Chris. He simply felt that his condition had already robbed him of his manhood and that by telling you he would do nothing but admit his emasculation to the one person who he felt needed him to be a man. He felt it would further reduce his manhood in your eyes, but over time I was able to convince him that your love was strong enough to accept the reality of the situation and that, together, the two, and eventually three of you could come to grips with it.”

“Then it wasn’t because of something I ... we did or said...” asked Chris.

“Absolutely not. The condition was beyond his control and had nothing to do with either of you. Actually he had made good strides toward rejecting his self loathing and coming to grips with his condition. In fact he had agreed to sit down and discuss the matter with you both, a major milestone in getting his, and your lives back together. The plane crash cut short that opportunity.”

“I thought he had simply fallen out of love with me,” opined the lovely black mother.

“Nothing of the kind. He often told me, even wept on occasion confessing his love for the two of you. It was part of what was tearing him apart: his intense love for the two of you while drawing father and farther away.”

Again mother and son looked to each other.

“My god, how wrong we both were,” she breathed.

“Yeah,” replied Chris, “I guess we were both way too hard on him.”

“The past is behind you. Had you known, had Jim been able to come to you sooner ... you can both play the “what if” game. But what is important now is that you move on with an understanding of the loss of a loving husband and father. It’s what you two do now that is most important.”

“Thank you, doctor,” said Tawny as she and Chris prepared to leave. “We have already taken up too much of your time.”

“Not at all. I hope this helps you to understand and to cope with your loss. And, to move on.”

“Yes ... yes it will.” she responded as she and Chris shook hands with the psychiatrist and left.

A week later Tawny, Trudy and Chris sat around the breakfast table. The mother and son had since filled in Trudy on everything they had learned from the doctor.

“But Mom, I could wind up just like Dad. The article...”

Tawny felt her son’s fear, was trying to assuage it. They had gone on line last night and discovered the genetic condition from which Jim suffered was hereditary. Chris was a carrier, but it sometimes skipped a generation. There was simply no way to know whether the condition would manifest or not.

“Yes, I know what it said. but just because you’re a carrier of the gene does not mean you will experience what your father did. The article said it sometimes skips a generation.”

“Sometimes,” said the young man skeptically.

“Well,” chipped in Trudy, “if you don’t know and can’t know, then why let it bring you down? You know my motto, “live for the moment.”

“Easy for you to say, Aunt Trudy. What would you say if your whole sex life was suddenly thrown into doubt?”

“I’d say, I’m gonna enjoy my life for as long as I can starting this very minute. If misfortune comes, I’ll face it then. Besides, didn’t you tell me this doesn’t usually happen until later on, if it happens at all?”

“Usually,” iterated Chris, but it has been known to start as early as the twenties.”

“Well, you’ve got to decide for yourself what to do. But as for me, I wouldn’t sit around and wait for it. I’d live life to the fullest and enjoy whatever time I had.”

“Aunt Trudy’s right, Chris, you can’t just give up and wait for misfortune that may never come.”

The handsome young near seventeen year old mused a bit then rose.

“Okay, okay, I see what you mean. Meantime I have a test to study for. Tomorrow it’s back to school.”

With that he wandered off to his room to study.

“He’ll be okay,” encouraged Trudy.

“Oh god, Trudy, I couldn’t bear to lose him too. You don’t know what it’s been like to have Jim withdraw further and further and now to learn what hell he was going through as well as us.”

“Chris is a smart young man. He’ll come to terms with this.”

“I hope so. But he needs someone to talk with. I’ve tried but, as I told you, he’s got this fixation on me right now. I know he’ll grow out of it, but he can’t seem to think about anything else when we’re together ... Would you?...”

“Talk with him? Sure, but you’ve got to stop thinking of him as your little boy. He’s growing up fast, Tawny. As a matter of fact he’s already done a lot of growing. He looks like he belongs in college already. And handsome!!!!!!”