Chapter 4

First Officer’s Log, 1715 hours Central Daylight Time, 27 July 2110

We have crossed the Oort Cloud and are on the last leg of our return trip from Tau Ceti. Ship and crew operating at peak capacity, as always. The previous five years have been exciting and educational for all of us.

We have cataloged and mapped two planets in the Tau Ceti system that appear capable of supporting human life. It will, of course, be left to the scientists to make the final determinations.

After five years in interstellar space, the crew is anxious to return home. I admit that I, too, long to feel Terra Firma under my feet as well.

Captain Hawkins informed me that Enterprise would be based on the newly-commissioned Starbase One instead of Galileo Station. I have seen photos of the new base and look forward to exploring it.

I have already forwarded my recommendations for promotions and crew commendations to Captain Hawkins for review. I am proud to report that over 90 percent of the crew has opted to remain in service for another five years. Many will be promoted to new positions and/or transferred to new assignments. However, it still speaks volumes of the caliber of leadership assembled on this vessel.

Speaking of which, Lt. Cmdr Jones and I have been invited to join Capt. Hawkins for dinner this evening. I am curious to know what it is she intends to announce.

William Jones, Cmdr., First Officer, USS Enterprise

...

I closed out the digital log book and went to the head to prepare for the evening’s meal. My lovely bride, Kyra, was finishing her makeup, having already showered and dressed. I hoped she left enough hot water in the tank so I could at least freshen myself a bit before donning my dress uniform.

“What do you think Leesa has going on?” Kyra asked as I undressed for the shower.

“No idea,” I responded. “I have a feeling it’s going to be something fairly major.”

“Why do you say that?”

“She’s been acting a bit ... pensive ... lately. Almost as if she’s bursting at the seams to say something.”

“You noticed that, too?” Kyra asked.

“Yeah,” I told her as I soaped myself up. “You have any ideas?”

“Nope. None,” Kyra said. “And she hasn’t said anything to me. You think it has something to do with the reorganization?”

“I guess it’s possible.” The Space Corps had just undergone a major reorganization with the uptick in interstellar missions. As a result, a subset of the Corps was re-designated “Star Fleet,” complete with its own command structure. Although it still fell under the auspices of the Space Corps, it would be considered its own service, just as the Marine Corps was part of the Navy, but with its own command structure.

I finished my shower, grateful that there was enough hot water in the tank, grabbed a towel, and stepped out to dry myself off. Kyra smiled as she watched me through the mirror.

“What do you say we stay home tonight, turn the gravity down a bit and ... play?” she asked in a sultry voice.

“That sounds like a wonderful idea. But I think Leesa would probably have the engineers rig a yard arm just so she could hang us from it if we did,” I told her as I dried myself off.

“I guess you’re right,” Kyra sighed. “Just wait till I get you back, space man.”

“I look forward to that,” I said, kissing her.

“Watch it now,” Kyra giggled. “I don’t want my makeup messed up.”

“Oh now you tell me,” I laughed as I finished drying.

“Hurry and get dressed, dear. We don’t want to be late.” Kyra was right. I needed to shave and comb my hair, something I could almost do blindfolded. So I wrapped up my business and went into the central part of our stateroom to get dressed. We scrutinized each other and, finding everything to be shipshape, left our quarters.

We didn’t have far to go. Leesa and her companion, George, lived in the quarters next to ours. I buzzed the chime, and George greeted us when the door slid into the frame.

“Commander Jones, Commander Jones, please come in,” George said with a smile. We shook hands, and I motioned for Kyra to go ahead of me. George took our covers as we walked in and hung them on a rack next to the door.

“Bill, Kyra, it’s so good of you to join us this evening,” Leesa said as she entered the dining area, wearing her dress uniform. “Please, have a seat.” George, being the gentleman he is, held Leesa’s chair as I did the same for my lovely bride. We all sat down and watched as Jonathan – the ship’s master chef – wheeled a cart and set covered dishes in front of us.

“This smells delicious, Jonathan,” I said. He smiled as he lifted the ornate covers off the dishes revealing a perfectly-cooked steak and a lobster tail. “Steak and lobster? How’d you manage this?”

“I have my ways, Commander,” Jonathan responded with a grin and a knowing look that said, “you really don’t want to know.”

“I’ll bet you do. Ship’s just not going to be the same after you retire.” I knew he had put in for retirement, having served over 30 years in the Corps.

“I’ll make sure my replacement is well-trained, Commander,” Jonathan said. Everyone else complimented the Master Chief’s meal, which he accepted graciously. “Let me know if there’s anything else you need, Captain. If you’ll excuse me, I need to make sure the galley is still in one piece.”

“Of course, Jonathan,” Leesa told him. “Thank you. This smells wonderful.” We dug into our meal after Jonathan left.

“I, for one, am sure going to miss his cooking around here,” I told Leesa.

“So am I,” Leesa replied. “I suppose you’re wondering why I invited the two of you here tonight.”

“The thought had crossed my mind, Leesa,” I said. “Especially with a dinner like this.”

“The truth is, I wanted my last meal with you on board to be memorable,” Leesa said. Kyra and I looked at Leesa, shocked.

“What do you mean, last meal?” Kyra asked.

“I’ve been reassigned,” Leesa said. “With the creation of Star Fleet, Command has formed a new Academy. It’s for officers who will be assigned to the Fleet. It’s a two-year school – sorta like a graduate school for the regular Academy. I’ve been selected to be its first Commandant.”

“Congratulations,” I told her. “I assume that comes with a promotion.”

“It does,” Leesa acknowledged. “They’re promoting me to Commodore.”

“Any idea who will take your place here, on Enterprise?” I asked.

“Yes,” Leesa said, looking straight at me. I started to get a funny feeling about this and pressed the issue.

“Who?” I asked, concerned.

“You,” Leesa said. “If you want the job, that is.”

“Me?” Of course, I wanted the job, but I was surprised to hear that I would be promoted so soon.

“Yes, Bill. You. You’ve earned it. You’ve shown that you can operate without a net. Why do you think I’ve let you make most of the decisions around here lately? If you accept, you’ll be promoted when we reach Starbase One.” I looked at Kyra to gauge her response and was met with a smile full of pride.

“Of course, I accept,” I told Leesa. I would have to be an idiot to not accept such a prestigious assignment – Captain of humanity’s first manned interstellar vessel.

“Good,” Leesa said with a wide smile. “Your first command decision will be to pick your first officer. Is there anyone you think would fit the bill?”

“I think Jim Decker would make a good first officer,” I answered.

“I agree,” Leesa said. “Why don’t you talk with him, see what his career goals are.”

“I’ll do that tomorrow,” I told Leesa.

“Excellent. Just so you know, Star Fleet intends to throw a star-studded dog-and-pony show when we return.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. After the welcome home and promotion ceremonies, they want you to take a select group of guests on a short trip to demonstrate faster-than-light travel. Nothing extravagant, just a short run around the block, so to speak.”

“Do you think that’s wise?” I asked. I didn’t like the idea of Enterprise being used to fulfill some politician’s schoolchild fantasy. Still, I also realized these were the same people who funded the program.

“Admiral Simmons seems to think it’s a good idea,” Leesa said. “You know he’s been named Star Fleet Commandant.”

“No, I didn’t know that,” I said. The last time I saw Alan, he had just received his first star. That was after Enterprise had returned from its maiden voyage to Alpha Centauri over five years ago.

“Just got his fourth star. He’s looking forward to seeing you. Can’t wait to pin that eagle on you.” I chuckled at that. Hearing Alan’s name brought back a lot of memories. Most of them were good, but some were not so good – like my experience aboard the Armstrong. I still have the occasional nightmare of the day I jettisoned Bull Travers out of that airlock. It very easily could have been me.

“I’d like to see him as well. The last time we spoke, he just made Commodore.”

“There’s been a lot of changes since we left five years ago,” Leesa said.

“I’ll say.”

“There’s more. Kyra, Command is also promoting you, to full Commander. They also intend to recognize your work and your service,” Leesa said.

“I’m flattered, but I’m only doing my job,” Kyra said.

“I understand how you feel,” Leesa told her. “But Star Fleet is so impressed with your work, it has based quite a few of its policies on it. Every ship’s counselor is now trained in the techniques you developed.”

“Will I be allowed to remain on Enterprise with Bill?” Kyra asked.

“Absolutely,” Leesa said. “However, you will find your wisdom to be more in demand as Star Fleet fully develops the whole ‘counselor’ role. In fact, I’d appreciate it if you could work up a curriculum and a set of lesson plans for the new academy.”

“You flatter me again, Leesa. I don’t quite know what to say. When would you need this new curriculum?”

“You have plenty of time. The next class doesn’t report for at least seven months. And Enterprise will be in dry dock getting refitted and inspected, so you’ll have plenty of time.”

“What about you, George? What are your plans?” I asked. George looked at Leesa, then back at me.

“Well, Leesa and I have talked about this and I see no reason to put it off,” he said, pulling a box from his pocket. He knelt on the carpet next to Leesa and looked up at her with love in his eyes.

“Leesa, these last ten years have been the best of my life, thanks to you. I’ve grown to love you more now than the day we first met, and I’d consider it an honor if you would consent to be my wife,” he said. Leesa dabbed a decidedly unmilitary tear from her eye, then wrapped her arms around George.

“Oh yes, George, I’ll marry you,” she exclaimed. Kyra and I congratulated George and Leesa and offered a toast. After the impromptu celebration, we ate dessert – cheesecake with strawberries and wrapped up the evening.

“Thank you for a lovely evening, Leesa,” I said with a warm handshake. She smiled, then surprised me with a sisterly hug.

“And thank you, Bill, for ten years of friendship and loyal service,” Leesa said. “From now on, my ready room is at your disposal. I feel better knowing this old girl will be in good hands.”

“Thank you for the vote of confidence. I’ll have some pretty big shoes to fill.” Leesa smiled, and I saw a tear in her eye. This had been her home long before I came on board, and I knew she would miss it. We said our goodbyes and went back to our stateroom, where we undressed in silence. Kyra made us each a cup of her hot chocolate, and we sat on the couch to decompress.

“Congratulations, Captain,” Kyra finally said, emphasizing the title.

“I haven’t been promoted yet,” I told her. “But thank you. And congratulations on your promotion.”

“Thank you, but I don’t feel like I did anything to deserve it.”

“Nonsense. You worked hard. The whole fleet will benefit from what you’ve done. You deserve it.”

“You’re far too kind,” Kyra sighed. “So, are you going to see Jim tomorrow?”

“Yes,” I responded.

“You think he’s ready for the job?”

“I do. However, I have one concern,” I replied.

“You mean, his refusal to take a companion?” Kyra asked.

“Yes, that does concern me just a bit. What can you tell me about that?”

“As you know, I can’t reveal a lot. I can tell you that despite his lack of a companion, he’s probably one of the most mentally stable officers on this ship.”

“So, why doesn’t he have a companion? I thought the whole idea was to help the senior officers stay stable and sane,” I said.

“The reason is quite simple. No one showed up as a match for him,” Kyra explained.

“How is that possible? From what you told me, I thought everyone had at least one compatible match.”

“Normally, they do. But Jim Decker doesn’t. I’m not sure I should share this with you, but under the circumstances, I think you have a right to know.”

“Know what?” I asked.

“There are some ... anomalies ... in Jim’s DNA that I can’t explain. I did a thorough search of his genealogy, hoping to find some answers.”

“And did you?”

“Not really. I know his great-grandmother was a German diplomat with the United Nations in the early 21st century – one Greta Schultz. From the records I found, she was on a classified assignment and ordered to return to New York after she became pregnant.

“She died giving birth to a son, who was later adopted ... by Greg and Samantha Decker. That son is Jim’s grandfather, Kelsey.”

“Any idea who Kelsey’s birth father was?” I asked.

“No idea whatsoever. From the records I was able to recover, Greta never said who the father was,” Kyra said.

“Is Kelsey still alive?”

“No. He died six years ago, of pneumonia. I did a search and found his DNA in the National Registry. Guess what?”

“The anomalies were in Kelsey’s DNA as well.”

“Exactly,” Kyra said. “Only the anomalies were far more pronounced in his DNA. It’s almost as if he was sired by something not quite human in origin.”

“Is that even possible?” I asked, shocked. Kyra shrugged her shoulders.

“I suppose just about anything is possible,” she replied. “I’m not an expert on the subject, so I consulted with real experts – both here and on Earth. They all told me it’s not outside the realm of possibility.

“They also informed me that these anomalies began to appear in the first quarter of the 21st century, but tapered off about 2040. No one’s been able to explain them, but a couple of the people I spoke to suggested climate change may have played a role.”

“Do you believe that?” I asked, seeing the skepticism on Kyra’s face.

“Again, I’m no expert on the subject, so I’m the wrong person to ask. I do know this. Jim Decker is one of the most intelligent and disciplined officers I’ve ever encountered. Second, possibly to you,” Kyra added with a wry smile. “Personally, I think he can do whatever it is he sets his mind to accomplish.”

“He was married once, if I recall correctly,” I mused loudly.

“Yes he was. He caught his wife cheating on him, and divorced her. I understand it was an acrimonious split.”

“A cheating spouse can often bring out the worst in a person,” I observed, thinking back all those years ago to my time on the Armstrong. I recalled the last time I saw my ex-wife, Tabitha. That was when Kyra and I secured her lifeless body to a nuclear warhead and jettisoned it into open space right before it detonated. It was either that or end up vaporized with Kyra.

“You still think about that time in your life, don’t you?” Kyra asked, seeing the look on my face.

“It was a tumultuous time,” I said. “But your love got me through it.”

“And your love made me the woman I am today,” Kyra responded as she wrapped her loving arms around me.

“So, what should we do with all this love we have for one another?” I asked with a smile. Kyra sat up and straddled my lap, taking my head in her hands.

“Take me to bed and ravish my naked body until I’m a quivering mass of flesh, my husband,” Kyra whispered, grinding herself into my crotch. Feeling myself respond to her advance, I smiled, then kissed her deeply.

“Your wish is my command, my lovely wife,” I told her after breaking the kiss.

...

I ran across Jim the following morning on the way to the bridge. He seemed his usual chipper self, so I decided to speak with him in the ready room after Leesa’s morning briefing. I approached him after Leesa had concluded the meeting.

“Jim, do you have a few minutes?”

Concerned, Jim asked, “Of course, Commander. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I just wanted to bend your ear for a bit if you have the time.”

“Okay. Sure. What can I do for you?” He appeared perplexed when I invited him to take a seat and even more confused when I took Leesa’s customarily used chair. No one sat in that chair except for her.

“I was just curious to know what your plans are ... after we arrive at Starbase One.”

“I had hoped to stay on board, Commander. At least, that was my plan,” Jim said, concern etched on his face.

“I’m glad to hear that,” I said, hoping my tone would help put him at ease. “You know there’s going to be some major changes.”

“I figured that, Commander. After all, we’ve been at light-speed for the last five years.”

“True. There’s going to be some major changes in personnel assignments as well. I was informed last night that Captain Hawkins will be getting a promotion and a new assignment.”

“Oh? Who’s taking her place?” A few moments later, his face changed as he realized what I meant. “You? Are you taking her place?”

“I don’t think anyone could take her place, but yeah, I’m getting promoted to the center chair. And I’ll need a First Officer. Someone who knows the ship like I do. Someone I can trust. Think you’re up to being my Number One, Jim?” As I watched, his face brightened up.

“You mean ... you want me to be your Executive Officer?” Jim asked.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. I know you’ve already completed your online Introductory Command Course and have started the intermediate level. I’m impressed.”

“Thank you, sir,” Jim said quietly.

“I just have one ... small ... concern,” I added.

“You mean, my lack of a companion,” Jim stated matter-of-factly.

“Yes, that,” I told him.

“Well, don’t tell anyone, but I have hooked up a few times with some of the other lieutenant commanders on board, and we have what you might call a ‘friends-with-benefits’ arrangement. Nothing permanent.”

“Well, that’s something you won’t be able to do once you’re promoted. You know the rules about fraternization, especially with command-level officers.”

“I understand, sir,” Jim said. “Truth is, most of the time, I’d rather be alone. Plus, I haven’t met anyone I could really get very close to. Not even my ex-wife in the best of times. Maybe that’s why she cheated on me.”

“I understand you went through a nasty divorce.”

“Yes, I came home from a mission and found Ginny in bed with another man. I nearly lost it,” Jim said quietly.

“Believe me, Jim, I know how that feels.”

“Trust me, Commander, if there was an airlock available, I probably would’ve tossed them both out,” Jim responded, reminding me of the incident with Bull Travers, which by now had become something of a legend in the Corps. “No offense, Commander, but I really do have to report to my station.”

“Alright, Jim. But I’d like to discuss this with you further. Perhaps you can come by my quarters after you get off and we can talk about it with Kyra.”

“I’d like that, Commander,” Jim said, his cheerful attitude returning.

“Good. I’ll see you then. In the meantime, I’ll let Captain Hawkins know so she can get your promotion in the works.”

“Thank you, Commander. I won’t let you down,” Jim said.

“I know you won’t, Jim,” I told him. We shook hands, and I watched as he strode to his console, where he relieved the lieutenant patiently waiting for him. Leesa gave me a look from her command chair, and I simply nodded my head. After ten years, we had reached the point where we could communicate without any spoken words. She understood my nod, and I felt confident she would push Jim’s promotion.

I caught up with Kyra in the galley at lunchtime and filled her in on my meeting with Jim. She seemed receptive to my idea.

“I think that would be a good idea,” Kyra said. “Plus, it’ll give him a chance to check out his new quarters. If you want, I’ll arrange to have dinner brought up and we can share a meal.”

“Good idea,” I told her.

“I’ll reach out to Jim and see what he would like, and we can go from there,” Kyra said.

“Thanks, I appreciate that. And please let him know the dress is casual. No need for a full dress event. Anything new in your world?”

“Not really. Just putting together my final reports on the crew’s performance. To tell you the truth, I’m amazed at just how stable this crew really is after spending five years on this ship.”

“And we all have you to thank for that,” I told her. I wasn’t patronizing her just to make her feel better. I honestly felt that Kyra’s loving attention to the emotional needs of the crew was a major contributing factor to our success. Kyra didn’t know it, but in addition to her promotion, Leesa recommended her for a Meritorious Service Medal, and I felt she deserved it.

“You’re just trying to make me feel better,” Kyra protested.

“Maybe a little. But I mean every word. I don’t know where we’d be without you.”

“Thank you for that,” Kyra replied.

“Well, I have a meeting over in Engineering. I’ll probably be there most of the afternoon. Are you going to invite Jim?”

“Yeah, I’ll take care of that,” Kyra said. “I’ll also arrange dinner for 1800 hours.”

“Thank you, sweetheart. I appreciate that.” We kissed and went our separate ways. As predicted, my meeting with the Engineering staff lasted for much of the afternoon as we pored over the list of tasks that had to be accomplished before the refit. I returned to my stateroom to find Kyra preparing the table for dinner.

“Our meals should be here soon,” she told me. “Jonathan put together some prime rib with green beans and mashed potatoes. I hope that’s okay.”

“Jonathan’s prime rib is perfect,” I told her. Just then, the chime sounded, and I opened the hatch to find Jim. “Jim, glad you could make it. Please come in. Dinner is on the way up. I hope prime rib is okay.”

“That sounds wonderful, sir,” Jim said.

“Please, when it’s just us, call me Bill,” I told him.

“Yes, sir. Uh, Bill,” Jim said, not used to the familiarity. “So, is this going to be my new home?” he asked, looking around the stateroom.

“Yes. I hope you like it. It’s worked out well for the two of us, so there should be lots of room for you.”

“I’m sure there will be. I may do some remodeling, if that’s okay,” Jim said.

“Of course,” I told him. “Just run it through the Facilities Team, and it should be okay.” A crew member from the galley arrived with our meal, and I watched as he wheeled the cart inside, then placed the meals on the table where Kyra directed. It hit me that I would probably be doing this more often, as Leesa did.

“Will there be anything else, sir?” the crew member asked with a slight British accent.

“No, that will be all. Thank you,” I said.

“My pleasure, sir. Just ring the galley when you’re finished and I’ll collect everything for you. Bon appétit.”

“Thank you,” I responded. The crew member smiled and left our quarters. We took our seats and enjoyed our meals, engaging in light conversation as we ate.

“I sure am going to miss the Master Chief’s cooking,” Jim said when he finished.

“I am too,” Kyra responded.

“I’m sure whoever replaces him will be just as good, but I agree. I’m going to miss his cooking,” I chimed in.

“So, Bill, what would you like to know? As much as I enjoy breaking bread with you and your lovely wife, I’m sure you have some questions for me,” Jim said. Right to the point – one of the things I liked about the man.

“I’d like to get to know you a bit better – as a man and an officer,” I told him, echoing the sentiments Leesa expressed on my first day on Enterprise. “I’m quite familiar with your record, and I’m impressed with your work these last five years, but that doesn’t say much about the person if you know what I mean.”

“Actually, I do,” Jim said. “There’s not really much to say. I graduated at the top of my high school class, entered the Academy, graduated at the top of that class, got married, then got divorced. Went to Operations school and graduated at the top of that class as well.”

“That’s all in your record, Jim, but I’d like to know about you,” I said. “You mentioned you came home from a mission and caught your wife cheating on you. Can you tell us what happened?”

“You know how it is, Bill. You’re out in space for weeks or months at a time. That’s hard on a marriage. I guess Diane just felt she needed someone to be with her all the time. With me gone so much, she drifted away.”

“Into the arms of another man,” Kyra interjected.

“Yes,” Jim said quietly.

“How did you feel about that?” I asked.

“How do you think? I was pissed. Beyond pissed, actually. I almost ripped the bastard’s head off – excuse my language,” he added, looking at Kyra.

“That’s okay,” Kyra said. “I’ve heard lots worse.”

“I guess it had been coming for a while. Diane and I began drifting apart long before that happened. I’ve always felt, I don’t know, somewhat different from other people. Dad had my IQ tested when I was just a kid. They said I was a genius, so Dad enrolled me in Mensa. Growing up, I always felt ... a bit superior ... to others. Intellectually, anyway.”

“I’m sure that didn’t make you a lot of friends,” I joked. He laughed and shook his head.

“No, it didn’t,” Jim said. “Dad took me aside one day, and suggested I learn how to interact better with others. Thing is, I always felt better when I was by myself. Never really felt the need to ‘interact’ with anyone else. It’s as though I never really met anyone I felt was on the same level as me,” Jim said.

“The Academy helped me a lot in that regard,” he added. “I always got the best grades, always scored the highest in all the competitions. Thing is, I didn’t even have to work that hard to do it. I used to get a kick out of watching the others struggle just to get halfway decent grades.”

“That changed when you met Diane, though, didn’t it?” Kyra asked.

“Yes, as I’ve already told you before. It did. At least for a while. And I had one other advantage.” Kyra raised her eyebrows at that. Apparently, she already knew.

“It’s alright, Jim,” she said. “You can speak freely here. Nothing you say will go beyond these walls.” Now I WAS curious, and I looked at Jim before saying anything.

“Yes, Jim. Please feel free to say whatever you need,” I urged.

“It’s a bit ... embarrassing. And personal,” Jim said quietly, glancing at Kyra.

“It can’t be that bad,” I said, looking back from Jim to Kyra.

“Well ... Alright. All my life, I’ve had a somewhat higher ... libido ... than most guys my age. And it seems I was also given the ... equipment ... to match,” Jim said, his face turning red. “Thing is, it’s gotten me into more trouble than I care to remember. Dad used to warn me about that, said I needed to learn to think with my big brain if you know what I mean.” I chuckled at that.

“Yes, I know exactly what you mean,” I said. Jim chuckled in response.

“When I first met Diane, I thought I had finally met my equal, in more ways than one. We had a whirlwind romance, then got married. I thought things were going great. We had even started talking about having children. Then I came home and found her with ... him. Do you know what that feels like? To have your heart ripped out like that?”

I remembered how I felt when I caught my first wife, Tabitha, with Bull Travers, my superior officer. I recalled the rage and the humiliation I experienced.

“Actually, Jim, I do know how that feels,” I answered, glancing at Kyra. “In fact, Kyra helped me a lot after all that happened. So tell me, how did you handle it?”

“At first, I went a little nuts,” Jim said. I understood that all too well. “I wanted to kill them both. Obviously, I didn’t, or I wouldn’t be here. I did meet up with the guy Diane cheated on me with, and we got into it. He took the first swing. I put him down rather quickly. He left me alone after that. I filed for divorce, and Diane didn’t fight it. She did tell me one thing I found interesting, though.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“She told me that I was too big and too ... horny ... for her to handle. Can you believe that?”

“That does sound a bit ... unusual. What happened then?” I asked.

“I got assigned to Ops School and you know the rest. I remembered what my father said, and set about learning to control my ... urges. I’ve dedicated myself to controlling my emotions and I’m no longer driven by my libido.”