Chapter 95

Thoughts for today:

Music is like candy. You throw the rappers away.

When you are young you think about dates. When you are old you think about prunes.

Last week at the grocery store, I saw a man slipping celery into other people’s shopping carts...

I believe he was a stalker.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. - Reba McEntire

It’s not that I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late. - Max Kaufman

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. All those other genders you just pulled out of Uranus.

My boss, who is on vacation, phoned me today. He said, “Is everything OK at the office?”

I said, “It’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.”

“Can you do me a favor,” he asked.

I said, “Of course, what is it?”

“Pick up the pace a little. I’m in the golf foursome behind you.”

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.”

“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change”

After a trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench.

“Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of the charges.”

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. “If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?” he demanded.

Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated, “Well, when the trial started, I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.”

I’m glad that I learned about parallelograms in math class instead of how to do your taxes.

It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

Fred was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for himself.

“so he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford, some tires and fenders from a Plymouth.”

“Holy Cow,” interrupted his friend, “What did he end up with?”

And Fred replied, “Two years.”

Came to that awkward moment when the priest asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.

Utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts walking slowly towards the priest.

The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop. The groom’s jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued as the bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying. Then the groom’s mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.

The priest asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”

There was absolute silence in the church as the woman replied, “We can’t hear you in the back.”