Chapter 94

Signs I saw in a store. Some pretty good ones. Enjoy!

Nothing says, “I MEAN BUSINESS,” like using a shopping cart at the LIQUOR STORE.

When people tell me, “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in until noon because I’m a problem solver!

I named my dog “5 miles” so I can tell people I WALK FIVE MILES EVERY DAY.

No one will ever be as entertained by us as us.

May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.

Depresso: That feeling you get when you run out of COFFEE.

A penny for your thoughts seems a little pricey.

Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.

Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!

Love is being stupid together.

I’ve reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

A group of kids is called a MIGRAINE.

Help me accept the things the salon cannot change.

Momster: What happens to mom after she counts to three.

Finally all my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.

I love the sound you make when you shut up!