Chapter 9

Old-Grey-Duck commenting on his neighbors

I was out running errands this morning and was waiting at a stop light.

A man pulls up alongside me in the next lane, on a motorcycle. He stops, and suddenly falls over onto his side, motorcycle included.

Concerned, I get out of my car to help him up. I asked what happened.

“I don’t know,” he replied. “It keeps doing this, ever since I took the sidecar off.”

Smokeyjoe and His Old Age Pick up Lines, he didn’t mention if they worked.

How about I take you home and show you my medicine cabinet!

My arteries aren’t the only things that have hardened.

Do you know how strong an artificial hip is? (No) me neither but enough to break the ice. My name is...

I would sink my teeth into dat booty but they might just stay there.

How about I take you back to my place where we can get into a heated argument about social security.

My teeth and I no longer sleep together, but you and I definitely should.

Getting lucky usually means finding my car in the parking lot, but tonight you can change that.

How would you like to help me feel like a kid again.

I might be a retired photographer, but I can still picture us together.

If I had to choose between breathing and loving you ... I’d take my last breath to say “I Love You”

Are you a cat lady? Well, I’m the cat whisperer cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

Girl I’d fake being a blind old man, just to touch you inappropriately.

You must be a garden; cause I’m digging you.

After I retired, I have spent a lot of time gardening, but now all I can think about is putting your tulips and my tulips (two-lips) together.

Is your name Viagra, cause I don’t think they will be able to close my casket after a night with you.

Just wait until you see the size of my ... social security check.

Baby is your name Cholesterol, because you send my blood pressure skyrocketing!.

How’d you like to be in my will?

Your company is so delightful, I’m contemplating putting a new battery in my hearing aid.

My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that’s his name.

Sorry, but I couldn’t help but noticing how cute you look in that ankle-length, shapeless, plaid jumper.

Old Man: “Where have you been all my life?”
Woman: “For the first half of it, I wasn’t even born yet.”

My dick is like catnip, it’ll make a cougar like you go wild.

I won’t love you for the rest of your life, I’ll love you for the rest of mine.

I’m retired, so you know I have the time to please you.

I have lived a long life and I may not go down in history, but I’ll go down on you.

God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to spend a lifetime to find you and tell you, you are the second one.

You’re so sweet, you’re giving my dentures cavities.

Roses or daises? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.

Ever done it in a Craftmatic adjustable bed?

I wrote your name in the sky but the clouds blue it away.
I wrote your name in the sand but the waves wash it away.
I wrote your name in my heart and forever it will stay.

Old Man: You make me feel like a newborn baby!
Woman: Because you have no hair and no teeth?
Old Man: No, because I just wet my pants.