Chapter 34

OldGreyDuck is at it again!!!

A small tavern boasted about having the strongest bartender in the state. The bartender was known to take a lemon and crush it in his massive hand, squeezing every drop of juice from the rind. The tavern had a long standing bet, that if anyone could squeeze an additional drop of juice from the crushed lemon, that person would win $1000. Many tried, and everyone failed. One day, a skinny man wearing an ill fitting suit came in and said that he wanted to try. The tavern patrons roared with laughter as the bartender crushed the lemon, and then handed it to the man. To everyone’s astonishment, the scrawny man easily squeezed several more drops of juice out of the lemon. As the bartender was paying the man, he asked; “How did you do that?” The man smiled and replied; “I work for the IRS.”

My wife laughed at me when I was sucking in my stomach while standing on the scale. “That won’t help! she said. “It does!” I replied. “This is the only way I can see the numbers!”

jus-dafax provided more grins and giggles.

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The KEY”, where a small key is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted “The Key”.

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the key and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won’t get rid of them.”

The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”

She said, “Well, I guess I don’t need to ask about the beard...”

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room for a little while.”

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs, and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

“Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs.”

A man and a woman are having dinner in a restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight. Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice. Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.” “No, he didn’t,” the woman calmly replies. “He just walked in the door.”