Chapter 1

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Some serious observations from our friend, OldGreyDuck

If you are single and unhappy, try dating apps. you will still be single, but will appreciate it more.

I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls. The recipe called for fresh thyme, and mine was outdated. I used it anyway. As I reminisce, I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I just finished a book on podiatry. The footnotes were incredible.

I tripped and hit my head of a snare drum. I think I have a percussion.

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

Three male tourists from Moscow, Warsaw and Prague were visiting a museum set inside a castle in England. On one part of the tour, they were encouraged to put on one of the period costumes. Both the Russian and the Pole wanted the king outfit, but the Pole deferred to the Russian and put on the jester costume. (It was a nice gesture.) Meanwhile the third man put on the suit of armor. That’s right, the Czech was in the mail.

I’m happy to announce that the Beatles Museum is now open, 8 days a week.

In the great desert lived a bunch of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank, due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man’s strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief. After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beards, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice. When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, “Do you now remember the ancient legend, dire? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware.” Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale. Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader. The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion? “A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.”

When you hear those classic Christmas songs on the radio, do you feel Santamental?

So there was this chess competition at a grand hotel. While the matches themselves were professional and civil, the competitors could get loud and preachy in the evening breaks. They would each brag about their skill and prowess, not caring who heard. They could be heard up and down the hotel lobby. Finally the hotel manager admonished them, saying “We can’t have you chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

To whoever stole my sneakers while I was in the Bouncy-House, GROW THE HELL UP.

The family was arguing about a side for dinner when I stepped up saying... “Let’s give Pea’s a chance.”

I am often told that I am well rounded. But my doctor still says I need to lose weight.

BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic, toy horses inserted up his rectum. Doctors describe his condition as stable.

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