Chapter 5: Then Be Patient, Mike

February 9, 1986, Columbus, Ohio

On Sunday morning, Elizaveta and I left the house very early for our drive to Columbus. The major downside of Orthodox practice with regard to the Eucharist was that I couldn't have a cup of coffee or tea.

"Is there anything special I need to do?" Elizaveta asked as we drove north.

"I'd avoid any discussion of Holy Transfiguration, or the situation with the clergy and bishops. If someone asks, simply say that it's inappropriate to discuss such matters and that the laïty should wait until the committee established to investigate the matter submits its report. In the end, the best thing for anyone to do is to pray for the Church, attend services, and go about their business without gossiping."

"Good luck with that!" Elizaveta exclaimed. "Before I became a Matushka, I had no clue how much the women of the parish gossiped! I mostly hung out with the teen group, but now I'm invited to all the 'adult' activities, and it's really unbelievable."

"Father Nicholas has said that more gossip is spread through 'prayer requests' than any other method."

"I noticed! Women saying, 'We should pray for so-and-so because such-and-such a thing happened'. Do the men gossip?"

"Yes, though it's usually in the form of stories — 'Did you hear what happened to Ivanovich?' or similar things. And, to be honest, it's not new. In fact, what happened at Holy Transfiguration, as awful as it was, wasn't really new. In 1 Corinthians 5, Paul says that sexual immorality has been reported in the Corinthian church and that it's so bad, that it's at the point where one member of the church is having sex with his step-mother!"

"Gross! I do remember that from the Scripture readings."

"And James, clearly addressing the problem of gossip, says that people who claim to be Christians, and who do not control their tongues, are fooling themselves, and their religious practices are worthless. In fact, every problem of the modern church already existed in the ancient church. In the same letter to the Corinthians, Paul makes it clear that there are believers who are sexually immoral, covetous, idolaters, revilers, drunkards, AND extortionists. And that believers do wrong and cheat and do those things to their fellow Christians."

"You're saying that the church is a mess and always has been?"

"From day one, the church has been full of stinking sinners in need of salvation. As Jesus said, He didn't come to call the righteous, but to call sinners to salvation. And think about what Paul says to the Galatians, who he calls 'fools' — 'the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God', implying that those things are done by people who call themselves believers. You know the next verse, I'm sure."

Elizaveta smiled, "'But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control'."

"Exactly. He concludes, 'And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit'. Verses I should have paid more attention to."

"Yes, you should have, but even the worker who arrives at the eleventh hour is paid his full wages."

"Which Saint John Chrysostom uses to remind us that true repentance, at any point, is all that is needed to bring us into union with God."

"May I ask something that might be totally out of line?"

"Do I truly repent of what I did?"

"Yes."

"The Orthodox view of repentance isn't about being 'sorry' for your sin, but about turning from it and following God to the best of your ability, aided by the Holy Spirit. Paul makes that point when he tells the Galatians, 'such as you formerly were'. And he tells them to, once again, turn from their sins. So, in that sense, yes, I have repented, because I turned away from my sinful behavior. Do I regret my behavior? Yes, because I fell short of the mark. But, and this is important, God didn't abandon me, and the Church supported me when I stumbled and fell. And now, God has given me a wife to help me better walk the narrow, rocky path. We support each other when we stumble so that we don't fall."

"Please forgive me for saying this, but I think your mom is at least partially to blame for your behavior."

"How so?"

"She told you how to justify your sin, and you used that excuse to have sex with two dozen girls."

"Even if that's true, I'm still responsible for my own actions."

"Michael Petrovich, deacon or no deacon, if you tell our children that it's OK to sin because they love God, you won't live to see the next sunrise!"

"Message received," I replied. "Loud and clear. May I make one observation?"

"You may."

"One thing I won't be is a hypocrite."

"I understand, but you do NOT volunteer that information the way your mom did! It's almost like she was, I don't know, bragging!"

"No, she was doing HER best to not be a hypocrite, and in the context of the conversation, that's how I understood it."

"The same conversation where she said she loved God, and therefore it was OK to have sex before marriage?"

"I don't think she ever said it was OK, just that she chose to do it. But remember, I approached her with a question."

"Even so, she gave an inappropriate answer, which you used to justify your behavior. An answer you will NOT give our children."

"As I said, message received."

"I do love you very much, Mike."

"I know, Kitten; and I love you very much."

"Bishop PAUL won't be at the Cathedral today, will he?"

"No. He has to attend to his own diocese, so he'll do most things by telephone. I'm sure he'll make an archpastoral visit to the Cathedral at some point, but a lot will depend on how things turn out. Great Lent is almost upon us, so I don't expect anything to happen before Pascha, though the committee that is investigating is already at work and will work through Lent."

"I don't like that we're going to be at the Cathedral during Lent."

"Me, either, but the servant goes where he is needed, and it's the bishop who decides that."

"May I say that sucks?"

"You may."

Elizaveta giggled, "But you like it when I suck!"

"I do!"

We arrived at the Cathedral, and I was surprised to find Father James alone in the nave. Elizaveta and I greeted him and received his blessing, then she went to find Father James' wife, while I inquired about Subdeacons Alexi and Paul.

"Subdeacon Alexi is at Saint Vladimir's; he elected to go early. Subdeacon Paul is at the monastery in Boscobel, Wisconsin. I'm not sure when he will return. Shall we say our entrance prayers?"

Those revelations seemed to me to confirm my grandfather's suspicions, though, if those were just coïncidences, they would explain why I was assigned to the Cathedral, and why it had been Bishop PAUL's intent for me to serve at the Cathedral full time.

"Yes, of course, Father," I replied.

We said our prayers, then went into the vestry, which, at the Cathedral, had a door from the nave, as well as one which led to the altar. While we were vesting, an acolyte arrived and started the task of lighting the votive lamps. I very much wanted to ask questions, but doing so might lead to uncomfortable questions being asked of me, so I simply remained silent except for the required prayers and responses as we prepared the gifts for the Divine Liturgy.

About four hours after we'd arrived, having completed the Divine Liturgy and finished my duties in the altar, which included consuming the remaining Eucharist from the chalice, then cleaning all the liturgical implements, I joined Elizaveta in the church hall for lunch with the congregation. After lunch, we attended Sunday School led by Father James, then, after receiving his blessing, left the church for our drive back to McKinley.

"Where were the subdeacons?" Elizaveta asked once I pulled out of the Cathedral parking lot.

"Conveniently absent," I replied. "Or, just by coïncidence, Subdeacon Alexi decided to go to seminary immediately, rather than in August, and Subdeacon Paul decided to go to Boscobel for an extended visit."

"The monastery in Wisconsin?"

"Yes. It seems too convenient, if you catch my drift."

"I do. Matushka Valerie seemed to be very interested in what I might know about what's going on. I simply said that I would wait to hear what the bishops had to say, and that speculating now would be inappropriate."

"An excellent answer. Father James didn't ask any questions, and I certainly wasn't going to ask him any. My grandfather is right — there is more to what's going on here than we know. And that's on top of the problems at Holy Transfiguration."

Neither of us spoke for a bit, with just the sound of the radio and the hum of the tires breaking the silence.

"What are we having for dinner tonight?" I asked after about five minutes.

"Baked chicken breast, baked potatoes, and steamed carrots. I figured something simple that I could just put in the oven and on the stove because I wasn't sure when we'd get home. Everything can be done in an hour."

"Did you hear from Tasha?"

"No, but I did make my usual call to invite her and left a message on their answering machine. I have enough food if they show up, and if not, then we have leftovers for our lunches. We should stop at UDF for ice cream."

"I think I might be talked into that," I replied.

Elizaveta giggled. "What if I promise to lick your cone?"

"Well, when I have ice cream in a cup, I like to lick it clean!"

"I think we'll have just enough time!"

February 9, 1986, McKinley, Ohio

"I love how deep you get," Elizaveta sighed as we cuddled after making love.

"And I love being deep!" I exclaimed.

"You really like oral sex, too!"

"Giving as much as receiving," I replied.

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"Me, too! How much longer can we cuddle?"

"Maybe ten minutes, then we need to shower and dress before our friends arrive."

Elizaveta snuggled closer, and I tightened my arm around her. About ten minutes later, we got out of bed, showered, dressed, and made the bed. Elizaveta went to the kitchen to get dinner in the oven. A minute later, there was a knock at the door, and I went to answer it.

"Hi, Father Deacon," Tasha said with a smile. "May we come in?"

"Yes, of course! You're always welcome here."

I let Nik and Tasha into the house, and left the door ajar, as I had seen Mark and Alyssa coming around the corner of the main house.

"I need to apologize to you," Tasha said. "My dad made it very clear he thinks you acted with complete integrity and that the bishop ignored your opinion."

"You know I can't speak about it, Tasha, but thank you. And all is forgiven."

"I shouldn't have been upset with you. And I did go to confession this morning. We shouldn't have stayed away."

"Have no further care, Natalya Vasilyevna."

"Thank you."

Mark and Alyssa came in the door, and Elias and Serafima arrived a few minutes later. I was VERY happy to have our group together again.

February 10, 1986, McKinley, Ohio

"I saw Tasha and Nik leaving just as I pulled into the driveway last night," Clarissa said on Monday morning when we each arrived at the medical school.

"Her dad decided to tell her he felt I'd supported him in the private deliberations of the Spiritual Court."

"That's good, right?"

"Yes. Let me tell you about yesterday, and you tell me what you think."

"OK."

I explained about the 'missing' subdeacons with no commentary, just the information Father James had provided.

"I guess the first question is, how common are those two things?"

"I honestly don't know, because I've only known two guys who went to seminary, and they both went in the Fall at the normal time. I've never known anyone who went to a monastery, and have only had very short interactions with monastics."

"Then I'm not sure you can draw any firm conclusions."

"Absent the troubles at both the Cathedral and Holy Transfiguration, I'd agree with you. With them, I have to think there is more to this. Think about this — Subdeacon Alexi drove the bishop everywhere. I can't imagine he was unaware of the shenanigans, whether they were financial or otherwise."

"Witness protection?" Clarissa asked. "Well, the Orthodox equivalent, anyway."

"That's not something I'd considered, and I suppose it's possible."

"If the subdeacon was that close to the bishop, you'd have to worry about undue influence and reluctance to testify."

"What an unholy mess. I wish there was a way to speak to Bishop ARKADY."

"Why?"

"To do my level best to convince him to confess publicly to the mishandling of the finances and retire, then confess any other transgressions privately to the abbot of the monastery to which he retires."

"How much trouble would THAT get you into?"

"A ton, if it failed and got out that I had done so. Enough if it was successful, though, given the advantage for the hierarchs, they might overlook that transgression in the best interest of the Church."

"Deacon Michael Peter Loucks, politician!" Clarissa teased.

"You know I hate politics, but this situation is political, and there's no way to avoid it. It's like with Doctor Gibbs and the whole 'trauma surgeon' thing — she does NOT want to be involved in hospital politics, but she doesn't really have a choice."

"I'm not thrilled with the idea of hospital politics, but every single doctor we've encountered has mentioned it."

"And all of them say they despise the politics," I declared. "So how is it that there is any politics?"

Clarissa laughed, "Because when someone wants something, it's a just cause, and anyone who opposes them is 'political'! I guarantee if you talk to the surgeons, they're just doing their thing and the OTHER doctors are playing politics. Ask the emergency medicine docs, or YOU, for that matter, and you all say the surgeons are playing politics to defend their turf!"

"True," I admitted.

"So, there you go! Ready for pathology slides?"

"I am. What I'm really looking forward to is June when we learn how to put in an IV and do our first sutures on pig's feet."

"And all we get to do is practice on pig's feet because we can't actually touch a patient until after we take the Step 1 Exam. As for IVs, well, we signed consent forms and waivers for those, so we get to be each other's pincushions!"

"I've stuck you a few times already," I said in a low voice.

"You just keep that thing where it belongs, Mister!"

"Trust me, Lissa, that is NOT a risk. Weirdly, I don't even really notice girls the way I did before."

"Isn't that how it's supposed to be?"

"Yes, but I mean even just noticing that they're pretty. If you asked, I'd actually have to stop, think, and probably look at the girl."

"Interesting. Your libido was always very low. Is it inappropriate to ask..."

"Constantly," I chuckled. "She hasn't moved from the horny teenager stage, and I am hoping THAT lasts for a LONG time!"

Clarissa smirked, "So, pretty much every day. Including your red wings?"

"My what, now?"

Clarissa laughed hard, "Oral during 'that time of the month'. Giving, obviously."

"Obviously," I deadpanned. "There are plenty of ways to provide pleasure which do not involve menstrual blood on my face."

"You don't object to intercourse?"

"How long do you think I'd live if I said 'no' to Elizaveta because I was grossed out by her period, which, by the way, I'm not. We avoid the heaviest days, but as I said, there are other things."

"So she's basically insatiable?"

"Basically," I replied smugly.

"Poor baby!" Clarissa teased as we walked into the building.

We got our coffee, then joined our four friends at a table for a few minutes before the six of us walked to class.

"You should all get Raiders jerseys!" Alf, one of our fellow students, said. "You walk around like a gang as it is!"

"Hey, homey, don't mess with the players!" Peter said, causing everyone to laugh.

"I never asked, but did you all know each other before you came here?"

"Those four," Peter said, indicating everyone except Maryam, "did. Maryam and I glommed onto them basically as soon as we had the opportunity."

"You're a minister?" Alf asked me.

"A deacon, which in my church, is basically an assistant to the priest or bishop. I teach Sunday School, do catechism, handle charity, and assist with the services, but I'm not a pastor. And, no, I can't perform weddings."

"Oh, FUCK no!" he said, shaking his head. "Uhm, sorry."

"Petrovich has been known to use that word on occasion," Clarissa declared. "And he's certainly heard it before. Marriage isn't your thing?"

"They wouldn't let me marry, even if I wanted to."

I gently nudged Peter in a way I was sure Alf couldn't see.

"Join the club," Clarissa replied.

"I never would have guessed," Alf said. "But 'gaydar' is BS, so that's not really saying much."

"I don't advertise," Clarissa replied. "My girlfriend is a nurse at Moore Memorial Hospital who moonlights at the Free Clinic. We pretty much keep the PDA to a minimum."

"Got a special guy?" Sandy asked, obviously having the same idea I had.

"Nah. There was a guy at U Mich, but he went to California, and I came here. And you know med school. Mike, you're married?"