Chapter 23: I Know

May 26, 1986, McKinley, Ohio

"I'd say we aced that," Fran said as the five of us left the anatomy lab.

"Not a difficult thing to say when we know we didn't get any questions wrong," Peter chuckled.

"Including the 'challenge' questions," I added.

"I noticed you wrote Sandy's name on the exam sheet," Clarissa observed.

"She earned her grade just as much as the rest of us did," I replied. "And I doubt anyone in the administration would dare challenge that."

"That won't work for our other three classes," Peter said.

"No, it won't," I replied. "But I think the symbolism is important."

"I agree," Fran replied. "I'm going to go see Sandy."

"May I speak to you a moment?" I asked.

"Sure," Fran agreed.

We stepped away from the others.

"I had an idea," I said quietly. "It's a bit risky, but not to us. Have Pete get Sandy's lab coat, put it on, and go to the locker room and put on scrubs. Then, he can just go into the ICU and sit with her for fifteen minutes. Nobody has ever checked our IDs, and nobody pays any attention because they're used to seeing us."

"And if he gets caught?"

"What can anybody do? He's not a medical student; he's not going to try to do any medical things. Do you REALLY think they'd try to prosecute him for trespassing? And it's Sandy's lab coat, not any of ours, so they can't touch us, either."

"I doubt her coat will fit him."

"Her old one, from Taft, was at least one size too big because she preferred it to fit loosely, not like our current lab coats. Use that one. It's the proper style."

"I'm not sure it's a good idea."

I shrugged, "It was just a thought. It's up to you if you want to tell him or not and up to him if he wants to try it."

"Let me think about it on the way over."

Fran left, and I rejoined Clarissa, Peter, and Maryam and headed to the cafeteria to get lunch.

"It's Mike's anniversary today," Clarissa said when we sat down after going through the serving line. "He's been married a whole year!"

"Many years, Deacon," Maryam said.

"Thank you."

"I hope you're taking Elizaveta someplace nice for dinner!" she exclaimed.

'Bed' Clarissa mouthed, though Maryam couldn't see that.

"A nice Japanese restaurant," I replied.

Clarissa surreptitiously made a 'V' with her forefinger and middle finger, raised it to her mouth, and stuck her tongue out just a bit. Peter saw her, but Maryam didn't, and I kicked her under the table.

"«Не будьте некультурными» (Ne budte nekulturnymi)!" I said firmly. ("Don't be rude!")

"What's wrong, Deacon?" Maryam asked.

"Nothing," I replied. "Just Clarissa being Clarissa."

We finished our lunch and, as usual for days when we had anatomy class, Peter and I headed to the steam room.

"I caught the move with the fingers," Peter said, laughing softly.

"It's not like that should be shocking to anyone," I chuckled, "though Maryam is a bit naïve."

"A bit? I saw her blush at basically any reference, no matter how oblique, to sex or genitalia. She's like the evangelical girls I know."

"Orthodox women, at least in my experience, are often like that until they marry. After that, personal and anecdotal evidence suggests the opposite!"

Peter laughed, "As I've said, speaking as a gay man, you have nothing to complain about!"

"Oh, I will," I chuckled. "It's the fate of all Orthodox men!"

"I'll take your word for it! OK to ask what you said to Fran?"

"Just a suggestion on how Pete might be able to get in to see Sandy for more than five minutes."

"Those rules are seriously fucked up, man! Oh, sorry."

"I've heard that word before more than once, and said it more than once, and DONE it WAY more than once!"

"For a religious fanatic, you're not such a bad guy."

"Gee, thanks," I chuckled.

"You know I'm just teasing. Joining your study group was the best move I've made. Finding four people so dedicated to their studies made it possible for me to get honors in a class I was afraid would cause me to wash out."

"You've been a great study partner, and I consider you a good friend."

"Thanks. If someone had told me a year ago my best friend in medical school would be a hard-core Christian, I'd have asked them what they were smoking! Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure."

"This won't go any further than me; how involved were you and Sandy?"

"Very," I replied. "It started off casual, mostly as a way to relieve stress."

"She was stressed during undergrad, right?"

"Yes. Something about her personality, or maybe expectations of her parents, or who knows what? Anyway, after a time, I began thinking that things were pretty good, and she might be a life partner. In the end, though, she didn't see it that way, and once it became clear I was going to be ordained, it would have been a non-starter."

"You and Fran were pretty close, too, right?"

"Yes, though we never dated. Jason made her an offer she couldn't refuse — a bottle of Jack Daniel's!"

Peter laughed, "She does like her bourbon."

"She does. She and I wrote our lab reports together for our two lab teams."

"When did you decide to go to medical school together?"

"Clarissa and I almost right after we met; Sandy a bit later. Fran didn't decide to go to McKinley Medical School until Jason was offered a free ride for his Master's and PhD in exchange for teaching and doing research. That was a fortuitous turn of events because she's very good at managing our group."

"Are we going to stick with five?"

"I haven't discussed that with anyone, but I would prefer it, given the way we've jelled. And we're done with anatomy, and there are no large group projects besides that."

"I think I'd prefer that," Peter said.

"I think it will only come up if someone approaches us."

When we left the steam room, we met up with Fran, Clarissa, and Maryam and headed to our final review for Practice of Medicine. None of us really needed it, but we didn't want to get into the habit of skipping class without a very good reason. As soon as class finished, I headed to the hospital for my short time with Sandy, then headed home. Elizaveta was ready, so I put my bag in the small bedroom, and we immediately headed out to the car.

"How was your day?" I asked as I pulled out of the driveway.

"Terrible!" Elizaveta complained. "All I could think about was tonight!"

"We had sex this morning! We even got up early and skipped our run!"

"So?!"

"I thought that would have tided you over!"

"That was just an appetizer, husband!"

"And when we get home?"

"Dessert!"

"What about the main course?" I asked.

"Who said anything about a main course! Just lots and lots of dessert!"

May 27, 1986, McKinley, Ohio

"Good morning!" Clarissa exclaimed on Tuesday morning. "All worn out?"

"Hah! Elizaveta was the one who struggled to get out of bed this morning! And you! What got into you yesterday?"

Clarissa smirked, "Maryam didn't see."

"No, but Peter did."

"And what did YOUR 'peter' do?"

"What the heck?" I asked.

"Sorry. I just felt you needed some cheering up, and that kind of teasing always made you smile. Especially about your pussy cat! How is Sandy?"

"Honestly? I don't think she'll live out the day. Her blood chemistry is about as bad as can be for her to still be alive. Her kidneys are completely shut down. I was tempted to try to stay, but the last thing I want to do is get kicked out. I'll speak to Doctors Newsome and Roth at noon and see if I can spend some time with her. Pete was there for fifteen minutes yesterday."

"How did that happen?"

"He wore Sandy's medical coat and acted as if he belonged there. Nobody questioned him."

"So that's what you said to Fran!"

"To you, I'll admit that, but not to anyone else. I could get into all kinds of trouble."

"Her lab coat is way too small," Clarissa observed.

"He wore the one she had at Taft — she always preferred wearing a size or two larger."

"You did a good thing, Petrovich. I'm curious, and I think I can ask this question because of our relationship, but are you going to confess?"

"I'd have to have sinned to confess!"

"But you broke a rule."

"Did I?" I asked with an arched eyebrow.

Clarissa laughed, "Technically, no. But isn't this like the 'lust in your heart' bit?"

"Given this is you and me, I can say this and you won't lose your mind, but civil rights advancement required breaking dumb laws. Do you think Rosa Parks or Doctor King sinned?"

"Obviously not."

"Neither do I, BUT you could make the argument that the Holy Apostle Paul requires us to be subject to government authority, but there's a BIG exception to that — not if it violates our faith. So, 'render unto Caesar' the things which belong to him, and 'render unto God' the things which belong to Him."

"So, pay your taxes, follow the law, but don't violate Christian principles."

"Correct. And I'll take you one step further — an unjust law is meant to be violated."

"Who decides THAT?" Clarissa asked.

"Each individual believer. And I'm talking real injustice here, like 'Jim Crow' laws or segregation, not the belief that your taxes are too high!"

"The ends justify the means?"

"I suppose, but only in an extreme application. I acted out of love, and so did Pete. And both of us are prepared for whatever punishment might come down. But Pete will never rat out Fran or me, so I'm not concerned. And even if he did, this qualifies as one of those times when we agreed we'd say 'to Hell with the rules' and do the right thing."

"You'd risk your entire medical career for this?"

"Again, taking a bit of liberty — 'Greater love has no one than this — than to lay down one's life for his friends'."

"Wow!"

"And besides, I think the worst that would happen is a reprimand. Even a written one would be pretty easy to overcome when you think about it. Can you imagine trying to defend the position that I shouldn't Match because I helped a dying friend in a way that did NOT violate the ethical code of the medical school?"

"I'm not surprised you thought it through."

"Morning," Peter called out. "How's Sandy?"

"Today or tomorrow, I suspect."

"Let me know if there's anything I can do."

"Thanks."

May 28, 1986, McKinley, Ohio

When I arrived at the hospital on Wednesday morning, I discovered Sandy's parents and Pete in the ICU and knew what that had to mean. I walked over to them and saw the monitors showing an irregular heartbeat, which meant death was likely imminent. A quick glance at the controls for the monitor showed that the alarms had been silenced, and only a blinking red light indicated Sandy was in cardiac distress.

"Hi, Mike," Doctor Newsome said, putting his hand on my shoulder.

"Hi, Doctor Newsome," I replied.

"You and your friends did a good thing," he said quietly.

"What's that?" I asked warily.

"Nothing I'm officially aware of, nor is anyone else."

"Thank you. How long?"

He shrugged slightly, "Minutes, an hour, maybe even several hours. She was otherwise very healthy, and her body is trying desperately to repair itself, but her liver and kidneys have completely shut down. I take it you've put a word in with the man upstairs?"

"Only that he would have mercy on her," I replied. "What that means is up to God."

"No praying for miracles?"

"If you'll pardon me for saying so, that's not how it works. God isn't a «djinn», where if I say the right words, I get a wish fulfilled. If that were the way it worked, we couldn't practice medicine, let alone do any scientific investigation, because everything would, from our perspective, be totally random as God responded to random requests to alter how the universe works. That said, miracles do occur."

"I haven't been to church since I was a teenager, so I'm not well-versed, but that sounds like an interesting conversation to have over a beer after your Preceptorship is done."

"I'd be happy to have that conversation. As for the here and now, I have an exam this morning, so I can't stay."

"If she's aware of anything, and we have no way of knowing, she knows you've been here, Mike. And if you're right about whatever form of afterlife we might have, then she'll know for sure."

"Our psychology and physiology textbooks were pretty vague about how our brains operate when we're in a coma. EEGs show brain activity and response to stimuli, but the textbooks and our instructors indicated nobody knows for sure what that means."

"There is a lot of research being done in that area, but most of what we know is anecdotal from patients telling us they were aware of things while in a coma, but that's a small minority."

"Let me go pray with her, then I'm going to head to the medical school because we have our Practice of Medicine exam today. Thanks for letting her parents and Pete be in here."

"There's only one other ICU patient, and we do our best to allow the family to be with a patient who is terminal. Have you spoken to a counselor?"

"Yes."

"Good. Physicians who are very empathetic need to develop a good relationship with a counselor and a more experienced physician."

"I have both covered," I replied.

"Good."

I went to stand by Sandy, took her hand, and said the Trisagion prayers. When I finished, I spoke briefly with her parents and Pete, then left for the medical school, where I arrived just in time to get coffee and head to the lecture hall for the written part of our Practice of Medicine exam.

"How is Sandy?" Clarissa asked when I sat down beside her.

"Doctor Newsome said minutes or hours. He arranged for her parents and Pete to be in the ICU with her, as there's only one other patient."

"I take it you didn't ask about a funeral?"

"I felt that would be a bit crass," I replied. "But I'm sure it'll be next week. Fran said that Pete told her that Sandy's parents had begun making arrangements once the doctors told them she was terminal. He's sure it'll be next week, so I'm going to call Dale and cancel my trip."

"That sucks, but Abby and I discussed it, and we're going to stay in McKinley. I'm pretty sure Fran and Jason are, as well. Do you know what you and Elizaveta will do next week?"

"We haven't discussed it, but I'm sure we'll just get together with friends. I have zero obligations except to Elizaveta and Sandy after Sunday evening until the following Sunday evening."

"Not church?"

"Father doesn't expect me for Vespers on Wednesday and Saturday, nor for Matins and the Divine Liturgy on Sunday."

"What about running away to that motel in Marietta?"

"I think Elizaveta might object to you and me reprising our visit to that motel!"

"I meant all four of us, you doofus!"

"Now THAT would be fun!" I smirked.

"Not on your life, Petrovich!"

"My life wouldn't be worth a plugged nickel if my Kitten knew I was even THINKING about something like that, even with no intent to carry through!"

Our conversation was interrupted by the proctors handing out the written part of our exam. We accepted our exam packet, which was ten pages and would cover literally every aspect of medical practice. After lunch, we'd perform exams and be evaluated both on the exam and on the 'medical record' we created from the exam.

Three hours later, the five of us left the lecture hall, all of us feeling good about our results.

"What are we doing about Sandy missing this afternoon?" I asked Fran.

"Clarissa and I discussed it. Assuming you and Peter are going to be partners, either Clarissa or I will partner with Maryam, and the other will have someone assigned. If there's an odd number of students, they have a Second Year serve as the 'patient' for that last First Year."

"Are you heading to the hospital?" I asked.

"Mike Loucks?" a young woman asked, coming up to me.

"Yes?"

"There's a call for you in the Dean's office."

There could only be one reason anyone would call, so I nodded grimly. The others obviously knew as well because, unbidden, they followed me. We went upstairs and down the hall to Doctor Warren's office, where his secretary placed the multi-line phone on the counter.

"Line 2," she said.

I picked up the handset and spoke into it, "Mike Loucks."

"Mike, it's Doctor Newsome. Sandy died about ten minutes ago."

"Thank you for calling to let me know."

"You're welcome. See you in two weeks. I'll let you go."

We said 'goodbye', and I hung up.

"About ten minutes ago," I said quietly. "Let's go to the chapel, and I'll say the prayers for the departed in modified form."

Everyone agreed, so we went to the small chapel which the medical school maintained, and I said the prayers with Maryam saying the responses. When we finished, we sat quietly for about ten minutes, then headed to the cafeteria for lunch.

"I'll have Jason speak with Pete to get the details," Fran offered after we sat down with our food.

"I'm going to cancel my trip to Seattle," I said. "I can't miss Sandy's funeral."

"And Abby and I won't be going away, either," Clarissa said. "Though we might take a few days away with Petrovich and Elizaveta."

"I'll speak with her as soon as I get home tonight," I replied, "but obviously, we can't plan anything definitive until Sandy's parents complete the funeral arrangements."

"Did she go to church at all?" Maryam asked.

"No," I replied. "Her family was basically Christmas/Easter Roman Catholics, at least as she described it, and other than coming to Saint Michael a few times, she never went to church. She was baptized, so she'll have a proper funeral Mass, assuming that's what her parents want. I believe she was confirmed as well, but I don't know for sure. We do that immediately following baptism and call it 'chrismation', but Rome separated the rites and used confirmation as a sign of coming of age."

"But that's done at twelve or thirteen, isn't it?" Peter asked.

I nodded, "Along with many other 'coming of age' ceremonies around the world. Twelve to fifteen is the usual range. Our modern notions of 'maturity' and 'adulthood' are a result of redefining teenagers to be children, though even there, we're not consistent — driving licenses are issued at sixteen, for example, and globally, ages of consent range from fourteen to eighteen, with sixteen being the most common. And, we allow pregnant teenagers to have abortions without parental consent."