Chapter 12: Hell

March 22, 1986, Ellwood City, Pennsylvania

"We have an hour before we have to check out," Elizaveta said when I arrived back at the motel.

"Don't you want to know what happened?"

"We'll have four hours in the car! We only have an hour in the room!"

"A husband's duties are never done," I sighed theatrically and began undressing.

"Michael Peter Loucks!" Elizaveta declared, hands on her hips. "I thought you liked fucking your sixteen-year-old wife!"

"For maybe another month or so," I replied.

"What?!"

"Then I'll have to settle for enjoying fucking my seventeen-year-old wife!"

"You!" Elizaveta growled, but then quickly removed her clothes so that I might do as she'd asked.

With barely two minutes to spare, we left the room with our overnight bags and walked to the motel office to check out. Once I'd settled the bill, Elizaveta and I got into my Mustang for the drive home.

"NOW you can tell me what happened!" she declared as I pulled out of the motel parking lot.

"Sorry," I said with faux regret, "but my brain is so addled from sex, I don't remember!"

"Your brain is addled, alright! But that's because you're a boy!"

"Man," I corrected.

"So you say! So?"

"Cutting to the chase, His Eminence called me 'Mischa' when we parted, which I'd say means I won't be deposed, at least by him."

"That was never a risk, was it? I mean, he invited you after all."

"He did, but he also raised the concern about my violation of the canons. I told him the same thing I told you — I'll accept whatever discipline or punishment I receive."

"That's wrong, Mike," Elizaveta said firmly. "You should not just take it lying down!"

"You do!" I teased.

"And standing up, sitting, and on all fours!" she giggled.

"We'll have to agree to disagree on the discipline from the hierarchs question," I said.

"What do you think?"

"I think the mess is so big that the only way through is for Bishop ARKADY to admit to financial malfeasance and to retire to a monastery. In addition, Protodeacon Seraphim should be deposed and Father James reassigned, preferably outside the diocese. Of course, Deacon Vasily should be restored, along with the Parish Council at Holy Transfiguration."

"What about you serving full-time at Saint Michael, as you should be?"

"I can't ask a bishop who is not my own for that. And you know the suspicions about why I was asked to serve full-time in Columbus. Your dad and my grandfather both agree it was to try to keep an eye on me and prevent what just happened."

"You mean doing an end-run?"

"Yes."

"So what will happen?" Elizaveta asked, sounding concerned.

"I have no idea, though what I said, which is what my grandfather and his friends and your father and his friends all propose, seems to be the only way out. Think of the scandal if the investigation does show blackmail and sexual impropriety. Right now, it's just allegations, but if the investigation continues, they may find facts. And that will be a problem of epic proportions."

"You're suggesting a cover-up?"

"I'm suggesting that if His Grace retires, no investigation is necessary unless a crime was committed. To the best of my knowledge, the accusations revolve around two young women in their twenties, but I don't know that as fact, and I'd take it with a grain of salt. That said, there have been no accusations that it involved underage girls, or boys, for that matter."

"Gross!"

"Which is beside the point. With no alleged crime, no investigation is necessary, and it will be between His Grace and his confessor. The newspapers may speculate, but we're basically unimportant to them. A proven sex scandal? Well, those headlines basically write themselves."

"Do you think that will happen?"

"I think Bishop ARKADY will see that is in his best interest. My bigger concern is what Protodeacon Seraphim will say and do. He could blow the whole thing out of the water."

"You think he might?"

"If there are criminal charges brought for embezzlement, he might. And I don't know how that works, either. I'm not sure if the diocese has to file a complaint, or if the Prosecutor can bring charges based on the press reports after subpoenaing the report from the commission established by the Holy Synod."

"He could do that?"

"As I said, I don't know. That's a question for an attorney."

"So what do we do now?"

"Same as always — worship, pray, and allow the bishops to settle the matter."

March 22, 1986, McKinley, Ohio

"Father, I need an extended confession after Vespers," I said after we completed our entrance prayers on Saturday evening.

"I'm almost afraid to ask," he said warily.

"Not that," I replied, knowing his concern. "Elizaveta is fully aware of what I need to tell you, and I'm still breathing."

Father Nicholas laughed softly, "You obviously knew my concern."

"Obviously. And it doesn't surprise me or concern me that specific sin was your first thought. I have a history..."

"Yes, and you will need to be eternally vigilant, as we discussed."

We moved into the vestry so we could put on our liturgical garb.

"Did Sophia speak with you?" I asked.

"Several times. Was there something specific?"

"About her and Robby."

Father Nicholas nodded, "Something which will require a significant conversation with Robby, but obviously, his past doesn't disqualify him for reception into the church."

"If fornication were a bar to being a Christian, I wouldn't be here."

"No kidding," Father Nicholas said dryly, then his face softened, "sorry."

"No need to apologize, Father; I raised the subject. It was simply a matter of not believing there is a significant difference between Robby's sinful behavior and my own. ALL sex outside of marriage is sinful."

"You do make a point about that when discussing your gay or lesbian friends."

"None of us can control to whom we are attracted, only how we act on that attraction."

"There are some Orthodox writers who disagree with you on that."

I shrugged and grinned, "So they're wrong! How is that my problem?!"

Father Nicholas laughed, "I was thinking more about those in the congregation who might agree with those writers."

"Then they're wrong, too! And need to be taught properly. In the end, Father, all you need is love!"

"So long as you don't agree with Charles Manson that the Beatles are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!"

"His theology might have been a bit off," I replied flatly.

"You think so?" Father Nicholas shook his head. "Fortunately, he's in prison for life."

"Which is where Frank Bush will be as well. Robby's original theory was that Frank Bush should live a long life in prison so he can contemplate, every single day, the eternal torture which awaits him in Hell, according to his own theology."

"And therein lies the evil nature of Calvinism — repentance is, in effect, impossible unless you are one of the elect, but if you commit a grave sin, you are reprobate."

"Thus, Calvinism commits the one unforgivable sin — denial of God's power to save. Perhaps one of our prison ministers will have a chance to explain to Frank Bush that all is not lost."

"Your capacity to forgive is immense," Father Nicholas said.

"Not mine, Father, God's."

"True."

We finished vesting, conducted the Vespers service, and after Father Nicholas had heard three other confessions, we went to stand before the icon of Christ so that he could say the prayers to begin confession. Once those were completed, we sat down on the benches, as I expected to need a lengthy conversation. Elizaveta had gone home with her parents, so I didn't have a time limit.

"Father, I owe you an apology for intentionally violating the canons and not following protocol. Yesterday, I had a meeting, arranged by my grandfather, with His Eminence at the Monastery of the Transfiguration in Ellwood City to discuss what has occurred at Holy Transfiguration."

Father Nicholas sighed, "You realize the problem, obviously."

"I do. I have a personal letter of invitation from the Metropolitan, but I clearly violated the directions given to me by Bishop ARKADY and Bishop PAUL. I didn't tell you because that would have required you to tell Bishop PAUL."

"And the purpose of the meeting with the Metropolitan?"

"A personal plea from my grandfather to restore Vasily Antonov to the diaconate and restore the Parish Council of Holy Transfiguration. I also delivered a letter from Viktor, but I don't know the contents of the letter."

"I can hazard a guess — to have you assigned full-time to our parish. He's been lobbying Bishop PAUL constantly and has made no headway."

"My grandfather proposed that Bishop ARKADY retire, that Protodeacon Seraphim be deposed, and that Father James be transferred, preferably outside the diocese. I agree with all of those proposals, by the way."

"You realize I have to report this to Bishop PAUL, right?"

"I do. And I am fully prepared to accept any discipline or punishment he imposes. I won't protest or fight it, my wife's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding."

"She feels any punishment would be for, in effect, doing the right thing."

I nodded, "Yes, but what actually happened is I did the wrong thing for the right reasons. I violated the canons because I felt that was necessary to right an egregious wrong. But I did so knowing that I was inviting discipline or punishment. One might break the law for good reasons, but one has to be willing to accept the potential punishment that comes with it."

"Lunch counter sit-ins?"

"As a concept, yes, but I'm not going to suggest that my situation is anything like the situation faced by blacks and the Civil Rights movement."

"I was simply going for the concept. Our plight is nothing compared to theirs."

"Two white, middle-class guys with the freedom to do pretty much anything we please? There's a reason why it took Clark a long time to warm up to me, and I get it, given the kinds of things he had to go through growing up."

"How is he?"

"The Christmas card I received from him included a picture of a pregnant Amy, standing next to his mom in front of a famous Chicago pizza place, so I'd say 'great'!"

"Back to our current situation, do you want me to share the invitation from His Eminence?"

"It's not a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card," I replied. "He was free to invite me, but I needed permission from my bishop to meet with the Metropolitan on any substantive topic. Tossing back a couple of cups of tea and eating coffee cake would have been fine, as would shooting the breeze. What I did was not OK."

"You do keep finding new ways to make life 'interesting'."

I heard the 'air quotes' in what he said and couldn't disagree with him in the least.

"I'm sorry, and I ask for your forgiveness."

"You have it. Confidentially, and this cannot be repeated, I agree with you, your grandfather, and your father-in-law. Viktor and I have had several long talks about the situation in Columbus as well as what happened at your former parish."

"How do you want to handle this?"

"Carefully!" Father Nicholas declared. "But I have very little leeway. This is something I have to report to His Grace immediately."

"I understand."

"Is there anything else you need to tell me about this?"

I shook my head, "No, there isn't."

"Besides this, is there anything else on your heart?"

"Not since Wednesday's confession."

"How are you doing in that regard?"

"Fine, I think. I've channeled the anger to doing everything I can to ensure that Frank Bush is held accountable, as I promised Robby I would do."

"And Melissa?"

"I don't think she's qualified to be a physician, but that's not up to me. If she is truly repentant, then she deserves a chance to prove she is. That said, I believe she'll fail. It's also the case that the State of Ohio might deny her a medical license for a time, which would mean an extended Internship period. They can do that based on anything in a candidate's history which indicates 'moral turpitude' or 'character' concerns."

"If being a character is a factor..." Father Nicholas said with a smirk.

I nodded, "You aren't the first one to say that!"

"Elizaveta?"

"Mom."

Father Nicholas laughed, "My mom has her own opinion about my ordination!"

"According to His Eminence, and I say this only under the seal of confession, HIS mom has opinions on his tonsuring and enthronement, and acts like any other Orthodox woman!"

"There's no escape!"

"No kidding," I chuckled. "But as Viktor said, we're lucky to have wives who love us as much as ours do. The same goes for moms and sisters."

"Indeed. Shall we say the prayers of absolution?"

We stood up and went before the icon of Christ, I bowed, and Father Nicholas put his epitrachil over my head and said the prayers, then made the sign of the cross. He moved his epitrachil, I straightened, and we exchanged a clerical embrace. We left the church together, each heading to our own homes.

"How did it go?" Elizaveta asked when I walked into the cottage.

"As expected. He has to notify Bishop PAUL right away, so I expect he's making the call right now."

"And?"

I shrugged, "I have no idea."

"Let's put on some music, cuddle, and study."

"That sounds like a great plan!"

We changed into comfortable clothes, I lit a fire in the freestanding fireplace, put on some soft classical music, and we settled down with our school books. About an hour later, the phone rang, and given how we were sitting, it was easier for Elizaveta to get up to answer it.

"Mike, it's Father Nicholas," she said.

I put my book down and got up from the couch, a feeling of dread sweeping over me. I went to the kitchen and took the phone from Elizaveta.

"Hi, Father," I said. "Just give it to me straight."

"I spoke with His Grace, and you're suspended, effective immediately. You're still required to wear your cassock, but you aren't permitted to serve in the altar. I've been summoned to meet with him in Fort Wayne on Monday. He's making a pastoral visit there this weekend. Once I meet with him, he'll schedule a meeting with you. You'll receive a letter from him confirming the suspension."

"A copy of which goes to the Archdiocesan Chancery, correct?"

"Yes."

"What am I supposed to do tomorrow?"

"His instructions are for you to worship only at the Cathedral until further notice."

"No," I said firmly. "He may command me to serve where he pleases, but I'm going to worship at Saint Michael. He can depose me if he prefers."

"Mike..."

"No, Father. If he's suspending me, then I worship in my parish."

Elizaveta gasped but said nothing.

"And," I continued, "I simply can't attend or serve Vespers at the Cathedral on Wednesdays and Saturdays; my schedule doesn't allow it."

"You're basically asking to be laïcized or actually deposed if you don't request laicization first."

"Then you have my verbal request. I'll put it in writing and give you a copy in the morning and put it into the mail to Bishop PAUL first thing Monday — certified, return-receipt, special delivery."

"I think you're acting rashly."

"Do you? Really?"

Father Nicholas sighed, "No, I suppose not. May I suggest a slight modification?"

"Sure."

"First, go to Columbus tomorrow. Use the facsimile machine there to send your request to the chancery in Chicago. That way, you are being obedient up to the point of your request being received."

"I'll think about it," I said.

"Please, Mike, don't throw this all away because of a fit of pique."

"That's not it, and you know it, Father. Suspension? Fine. But ordering me to worship only at the Cathedral is not just punishment; it's spite. And it's clearly meant to hurt my medical studies. He knows it, too. And so do you."

Father Nicholas sighed, "It does look that way."

"Let me speak with Elizaveta. I'll speak to Viktor and my grandfather as well. You realize what happens next, right?"

"A complete uprising amongst the laïty of at least two parishes."

"Caused by the rash, spiteful actions of TWO bishops."

"Careful, Mike," Father Nicholas cautioned.

"Father, I have nothing to lose. I don't need the cassock to be Orthodox, and at this point, it's actually harming my spiritual life, not to mention the rest of my life."

"I hear you, Mike. Please consider my proposed short-term course of action."

"I'll consider it," I said.

"God bless you, Deacon."

"Thank you, Father."

We said 'goodbye', and I hung up.

"That's not fair!" Elizaveta protested as soon as the handset was back in the hook on the wall phone.

"No, it's not," I agreed. "Which is why I'm going to ask to be laicized. I don't need the headaches. Being a deacon is interfering with my spiritual life, my medical training, and my family life. There is literally nothing I can't do as a layman that I can do as a deacon except for certain aspects of liturgical service. I'm going to go speak with your dad, then I'd like you to help me with your computer so I can write the letter."

"You must be upset if you're asking to use a computer!"

"True. Let me go see your dad."

It was late, but not too late, so I simply went to the main house. I greeted Yulia and Anna, then found Viktor and Geno watching television. I asked to speak to Viktor privately, so we went to his study and sat down. I explained what had happened, and his face turned red and I was sure I saw a wisp of steam coming from his ears.

"Mike, I agree with Father Nicholas — go to Columbus in the morning. But please do not fax a letter to Chicago. I'm going to make some phone calls and put a stop to this nonsense once and for all."

"May I ask?"

"My first call will be to Pyotr Borisovich and my second to Viktor Ivanovich Federov. They will call an emergency session of the Archdiocesan Council, which will, as is within its power, summon the Synod of Bishops to an emergency meeting. The bishops simply cannot get away with suspending or deposing anyone who they feel threatens their coverup!"