Chapter 4

Funny, it don’t quite look like an oak anymore.

I figured that it would be wiser for me to call Celine’s bluff; I picked-up the telephone and dialed her office. Somewhat surprisingly I was immediately put directly through to my wife and not to Claire, as was the norm.

Conversations with Claire usually went along the lines of. “Celine’s rather tied-up at the moment Ralph, can I take a message and she’ll call you back as soon as she’s free.” I’d ceased leaving those messages many years before; basically because if I did leave one, it would be Claire who returned my call after she’d spoken to Celine.

“Hi Ralph, look I’m sorry I was in such a hurry this morning, but I overslept a little.” Celine said cheerily. “Are you feeling any better now? You were well out of it when we got back last evening; so we didn’t disturb you. Sorry we were so late.”

“Who’s the we, Celine?”

“Why me and the twins ... and Tarra Mackintosh ... no that’s Margolin now isn’t it. No hold up, Tarra said she’s reverting to her maiden name ... Scar wasn’t it?”

“Scarab, Celine. But where did you find to go with, Tarra?”

“Oh nowhere particularly special. Tarra was on a TV chat show last night, and she invited the twins and myself along to watch. The trouble was, the show didn’t go live until quite late in the evening; I hope the children don’t fall asleep in class today. Now was there anything else you wanted.”

“That wasn’t why I called Celine. You know that I have no interest where you go anymore or who with. Although I’m a little concerned that the girls were out so late.”

“Oh, it can’t hurt them once in a while, Ralph. Anyway they got the chance to meet ... Damn I can’t recall his name ... Nice young lad, he’s got a new record out at the moment. Anyway the twins were delighted with all the autographs and pictures they got. They were quite a hit backstage!”

“Hey, and Tarra didn’t-half go out of her way to plug your latest book, you know. I think that took everybody by surprise. I believe that you might even owe that girl some commission or something, Ralph. Not to me, but Tarra appears to mention your books to everyone she runs into. By any chance, Tarra didn’t collaborate with you on them or something, did she?”

“No Tarra did not, Celine. Everything ... well almost everything in my books are figments of my own warped imagination. Along with a few incidents drawn from real life; but they were really only in my first novel. It didn’t take me very long to run-out of significantly humorous or titillating personal experiences.”

“Are you sure about that, Ralph? I seem to recall reading in one of them about a certain incident in a parking bay on Madeira Drive, Briton, that appears to be referred to in your latest masterpiece as well. A young woman giving her ... er, performing a sex act upon her companion, only find herself rudely interrupted by an inquisitive police officer.” Celine said, sounding only slightly annoyed.

To be completely honest with you, Celine actually sounded like she was only just preventing herself from laughing out loud. Unfortunately for me Celine mentioning that particular incident kind-a put me on the back foot.

“But only very loosely, Celine.” I assured her.

“Only loosely you say? As I recall they were in a blue Ford Sierra, Ralph. Don’t I recall that ancient Ford Sierra of yours was blue and it was always overheating and breaking down on us. If we hadn’t been waiting for that damned engine to cool down again, then we wouldn’t have been parked there in the first place!”

I had to retaliate quickly somehow and there Celine had fortuitously left an open wicket many months before.

“Hey, don’t complain to me, Celine; it was you who bought that damned Ford Galaxy remember!”

“Yes it was, wasn’t it.” Celine admitted, with a giggle. “A Ford led to the most embarrassing incident in my whole life and I bought another one, against your wishes. I’m sorry, Ralph.”

Celine actually did sound like she meant that apology as well. I was becoming quite concerned. This was not the Celine I’d grown so accustomed to during the previous few years. At the rate she was going, I would soon see myself ending up on the “villain of the piece” list. I needed the ‘I’m they breadwinner around here!’ Celine, back. Someone I could have a proper rebellion against.

“Hey don’t be, it’s your damned Ford Galaxy now, Celine. I’ve bought myself a Landrover Discovery. Anyway I didn’t call you to talk about cars. I called because you appear to have left some of your paperwork behind at the house by mistake. I thought you’d want to know.”

“I don’t think so, Ralph. Everything I need is here in my case.”

“The bank statements for your iffy off-shore bank accounts, Celine.” I reminded her. “You appear to have put them in the file by mistake.”

“No there’s no mistake, Ralph; I put them in there yesterday. You were quite correct, it was exceedingly thoughtless of me not let you know where every penny is stashed away. And they are not iffy bank accounts, as you so nicely put it, Ralph. John Wellesley (our mutual accountant) knows all about those accounts. He even suggested some of them. I ... we get far better interest and they have lower charges on non-UK cheques and things. Whatever, that lot in Whitehall get their fair-share every April anyway. Now is there anything else?”

“I don’t think so.” I replied. Sort-of finding myself lost for words.

“Right I’ll see you tonight then. Perhaps we can take the twins to The Cabin again, they seem to enjoy eating at that place. Ciao!” Celine said, and then the telephone went dead.

I was sat there staring at the handset for ... I don’t know. It could have been five minutes. It could have been half an hour. I hadn’t heard Celine use the word ‘ciao’ for god knows how many years. Celine, was much too serious about everything in life to use greetings like that.

Whoever I’d just spoken to on the telephone, it wasn’t the wife I’d grown so accustomed to.

I figured that I had to speak to Elaine ... find out what the hell had happened when Tarra arrived the day before.

“I have no idea, Ralph. I went home first thing, Mike likes to actually see his wife for some of the time over weekends. Why what’s up, were their signs of bloodshed?” Elaine replied when I called and asked her.

My only other option was Tarra, but I had no idea how to get in touch with her. By that time Tarra had become one of those distant acquaintances you seem to run into all of the time, but who’s actual home address you’ve never learnt. I didn’t even have the slightest inkling as to what Tarra’s telephone number might be either and she wasn’t in the phone book; but that wasn’t unexpected.

When I called around, I was surprised to find that no one else appeared to have Tarra’s number either, neither did anyone know where she lived. They could give me names and addresses for ex-husbands but that was all. I somehow didn’t think calling any of them would achieve anything; Tarra’s penchant for taking her ex-husbands ... very publicly, to cleaners didn’t bode well on that being a good idea.

Even the one agency who claimed that they could actually book Tarra for a modelling job, refused point blank to give me her telephone number. That was no surprise either, Tarra had always made a lot of noise about being freelance and not having a manager. To be truthful, possibly why Tarra was no longer as prominent as she once had been on the catwalks.

“We don’t know what they talked about daddy.” One of me daughters said as we walked home from the school. “Aunt Tarra and mummy were in the kitchen most of the time.

“Mummy cried a lot though during the morning, but she does that a lot lately.” My other daughter assured me. “But mummy was happy again when we went to the television studio...”

I’ll go no further there because my daughters then reeled off the names -- often misquoting them -- of the numerous people they’d been introduced to at the television studio. Each daughter in turn coming up with another mangled name, in a bid to out-name her sister. Identical twins my daughters might be, but they are also extremely competitive with each other. Anyway it sounded like those television studios were a surprisingly busy place at that time of night. There was also repeated mention of someone called Penny, who I assumed was another child they’d met at the studio. I had no idea who she could possibly be, but she appeared to be significant to my twins.

Anyway I was forced to give-up, quietly worry and wait for my wife to arrive home. Only I was sure that Celine would tell me very little of what had passed between her and Tarra the previous day.

Celine was almost back to what I’d grown used to as she swept through the door that evening. However her announcement to the twins that we were heading to The Cabin to eat was as unexpected by them, as I knew it would be. So was the fact that she stopped at the Market Inn by the river on the way home. Celine was driving -- my disco still being at the golf club -- so I had no say in the matter.

We sat on the riverbank while Celine and the twins fed the swans with bread that Celine had obviously brought with her. Such forethought was usually my domain. Okay I had a pint while the other three drank soft drinks. Then Celine drove us home again.

“We really don’t do this sort of thing often enough.” Celine commented, as she pulled into the drive. “How about we hit the zoo or something this Saturday, girls?”

The twins whooped, but I got annoyed. More often than not, Celine would have to go into the office on Saturdays; usually to deal with some crisis or the other that had unexpectedly materialised during the Friday.

Then Celine topped it. “I do believe that your aunt Tarra will be coming along on Saturday as well; you’ll like that wont you girls!”

That led to more joyous whooping from the twins.

“Hold-up, what the hells going down here?” I asked myself. Tarra coming as well indicates that Celine’s ‘off-the-cuff’ suggestion of a zoo visit, had to have been pre-planned. But I couldn’t understand the point.

Yes, I did try to broach the subject of Tarra’s visit to Celine on the Sunday morning. But I didn’t get very far. The only real piece of information I did get was that Tarra slept in our day room for most of the morning. Celine inferred that the party must have gone on for most of the night, or possibly Tarra had scored. If you’re not familiar with the term I can only suggest a British slang dictionary. The real odd point from my perspective was Celine’s use of the term. Although the term was one I would have expected to hear Tarra to use; so possibly she had hinted as much.

The whole of the rest of that week, was weird. The next morning, Celine insisted she drove me to collect my car from the golf club, after she’d dropped that children at school, but before she went to her office. Celine leaving late for her office, two days on the trot ... I tell you, that was scary stuff.

Usually Celine was always out of the house well before seven; basically because she claimed she hated driving during heaviest part of the rush hour. Very often that would also be her excuse for arriving home late in the evening as well; she’d wait until the traffic had died down a little.

On the Thursday evening we went out to dinner with some of Celine’s Canadian clients and their respective spouses. I tell you, Celine did not ‘talk shop’ once during the whole evening; well not within my earshot anyway. Hey, she didn’t engage with me very much either and seemed to spend most of her time sucking-up to the guys’ wives.

I was left talking sports with the Canadian guys, and ended up somehow getting a pretty thorough grounding in ice-hockey. It would appear to me -- and please forgive if I’ve got this entirely wrong -- But I got the impression, that just about every employer in Canada who have enough staff on their books, has an ice-hockey team; plus a junior one for the staff’s children. But hey, maybe those guys just came from an ice-hockey playing area. Whatever their sole subject of conversation appeared to be ice-hockey.

I’ll admit at this time, that I have never watched a game of ice-hockey in my entire life, let alone tried to play the game. My sports conversation repertoire only really includes Rugby and Cricket, with a passing but limited knowledge of football. My own sport ... hobby, is golf, but I don’t take it at all seriously. God alone knows what those blokes made of me.

Around nine AM on the Saturday morning I was in my bedroom getting ready for the days excursion when Tarra’s Pink abomination pulled to the curb out front. Tarra was followed from car, by a child of about nine years, the same age as our twins. The child looked quite bored and disinterested, until she spied the twins as they raced around the side of our house and then quite suddenly, all hell appeared to brake loose.

I was so ... enthralled watching the three youngsters giggling while chasing each other around the front lawn that I stopped what I was doing and watched them. I was surprised that Celine hadn’t dashed out there and demanded that the children “Tone it down a little!” that I almost missed the sight of Celine meeting Tarra.

Being on the upper floor I was looking down on them as Celine appeared to greet Tarra possibly a third of the way along the drive. I have to assume that both Tarra and Celine had stopped for a few moments to watch the three youngsters while they’d charged around with each other.

Anyway ... look, as you’re aware, I’d known Tarra since our school days together. Although I’d heard of her since ... Seen pictures of her plastered up all over the place when she’d shot to the top of the hot model hit parade, I’d completely lost track of her socially after we left that school.

I’d been happily married to Celine for a good few years when completely unexpectedly on my part Celine introduced us at some business function, or it might have been a fashion show. I can think of no explanation for the fact that I’d never mentioned to Celine that Tarra and I had been at school together, other than self-preservation. Since we’d met Celine had always a ... um yeah well, on occasions Celine had sometimes displayed ... bugger she had always been the jealous type, you know where I’m coming from.

Unfortunately Tarra -- possibly on purpose, as a tease -- did not make the best of impressions upon my wife when she took me her arms and hugged me. Okay I only received little more than a cursory kiss on each cheek from Tarra, but there was no way hell that, the greeting could have been described as the sort greeting more usually associated with such occasions.

It hadn’t helped matters when Tarra had added “Oh Celine, Rolly and I have known each other since our school days. Actually he probably knows me better than anyone in the whole world, Rolly was my first!”

Fortunately though ... No, maybe it was luckily, Tarra had not defined in what category she classed me as ‘her first’, if you get my drift? Later that night, I managed to convince Celine that I had been Tarra’s first boyfriend at school and convince her that our brief schoolchild romance had not lasted very long. Which in fact, it hadn’t. But hey, to a fourteen-year-old, couple of months or so, is a bleeding long time, I can assure you.