Chapter 7: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

DINNER WAS GOOD, but not nearly as extravagant as the night before. I had a nice stuffed porkchop with cornbread dressing, roasted vegetables, and rice pilaf. Yummy, but lots lighter than the two-pound porterhouse I had the night before. Misty had some kind of fish dish of unknown origin. She said she really needed to watch her weight if she wanted to keep fitting in the skin tight leather pants and bra top. I think the ‘sexy quotient’ of the outfit was much higher on her list of reasons to wear it than the fact it would protect her legs when we were in rough country.

After dinner, we sat at the table with coffee that Suzy kept filled while we went over all the documents included in the new packet. Mostly, these were documents legitimizing our quest. Assignment of temporary guardianship, for example. That way, if we were stopped after rescuing the kid, we had proof signed by the Sovereign that we were the proper caretakers. There was also a rolled map. Unlike the TripTik, however, this map had no roads or highways marked on it. It was a general map of the Land of Victoriana that showed the relative positions of major features, like half a dozen towns, a mountain range, a big river, a lake, and scribbled notes that were hard to read. After deciphering one of the notes, I wasn’t sure I wanted to figure out the others. ‘Here be the untamed land of man-eating giants.’ I wondered exactly how old this map was.

The most useful note on the map, however, was one that circled ‘The Dragon’s Lair.’ It said this was the last known location of young Baron Federico Rex. It looked like that was the direction we would be heading in the morning.

We finally left the restaurant, cheerfully waving and saying we’d see them in the morning. I was bushed. I got out of my robe and washed my undies before taking a shower and pulling on my nightshirt. Heaven knew when we’d be able to get another hot shower. I was asleep by the time Misty managed to wiggle out of her leathers.

The knock on the motel room door heralded the arrival of the court’s short messenger. He was not alone. I think he brought an entire kitchen with him. First, breakfast was served. Basic, but hearty—ham and eggs, dark toast, lots of coffee, and orange juice. They also had food to pack in our car. I opened it up and waited while they loaded more stuff in the back of the car than it could possibly hold. Misty and I left the car doors open so the animals could get themselves arranged when they’d done their morning business. They looked so sharp in their new clothes. I think Shasta was practicing walking on just her hind legs in her new boots. The spotted tabby actually looked quite dignified.

We looked at the map and compared it to the next batch of instructions on the TripTik. The cooks closed the hatch. The little messenger man saluted us, and spoke loudly so that all the four or five people within hearing distance could understand.

“The Sovereign of Victoriana prays good speed and a safe journey to Jackie, the Warrior Wizard and her companions. May you return to us with the jewel of our crown that the Sovereign Line of Rex may be continued and Victoriana may live in peace and glory.” He saluted again and jumped in his golf cart. A panel van full of cooks followed out of the motel parking lot. He headed toward town and by the time he was a block away, the van lit up with fireworks shooting from its roof and a dark car pulled out to follow it. Oh, yes. A diversion.

“Mount up,” I said. “It looks like the adventure has begun.” There was a bark from the back seat. Misty bucked herself in and Shasta bounced into her lap. I turned the ignition and felt the big engine rumble to life. “Which direction, Misty?”

“Right, and straight ahead for a long way.” The opposite direction of the fireworks. Of course.

“Here we go!” I admit to showing off a little when I peeled out of the parking lot.

Mile 499

“How can you possibly say none of this is real?” Misty complained. We’d been arguing all morning. She started it by stupidly asking if I believed now. I’d just as stupidly said, ‘No!’

“It can’t be real. It defies logic,” I said.

“But you’re still wearing your graduation gown and it has pockets! I’ve got a gorgeous new red leather suit on and a bobcat kitten sitting in my lap. We met the Sovereign and have packed more stuff in the back of the car than there can possibly be space for. It has to be magic! We must be in a different dimension.”

“No,” I responded. “I must be dreaming. That’s the only logical conclusion. I fell asleep—maybe during the commencement ceremony; it was boring enough. And I am sitting there happily dreaming along as if I’m in a LARP. And as for the robe, the pockets, the leather, the kitten—they are all evidence that I’m dreaming. Even the car. Pop would never give me his precious ‘68 Fairlane. And it was such a gas hog I couldn’t have made it to the hardware store gas pumps on a single tank of gas. The bridges we’ve crossed have all been identical. Same type of construction, same streetlights—even in the wilderness. Like I’m projecting an archetype of my ideal bridge whenever there is one to cross. Towns come up when we want them to. Distances are meaningless.”

“Then wake up!”

“No way! This is the most fun I’ve had sleeping since Dan Blackwell took my cherry. Just gonna sit back and enjoy the movie.”

“Movie. That should be proof you aren’t dreaming. Dreams are never linear. They jump all over, sometimes back to things that already happened. This is our seventh day out, and even the odometer is ticking out the miles consecutively.”

“Speaking of which, I need to pee and the animals probably need a break, too.”

“Roadside rest and viewpoint at the top of the pass,” Misty said. “Just popped up on the TripTik.”

“Next reason I believe it’s a dream. Whenever we need something, that antique map suddenly has it marked on it.” I pulled into the viewpoint rest area. It was pretty spectacular. “Now, I’m going to try to make it to the bathroom and back without waking up.”

“Don’t pee the bed,” Misty snarked back at me.

“Come on, kids,” I said holding the door for the animals. Shasta bounced out of Misty’s lap before she could get her door open, and met Roadkill crawling over the girl on the floor of the back seat.

Girl on the floor of the back seat.

“What the ever-loving fuck is this?” I yelled. She smiled up at me and crawled out of the car with the animals. Her bright red hair was offset by the forest green of her leather clothes. They looked like they’d been made by the same tailor as Misty’s. “Princess Bridget Rex,” I sighed.

“Glad you stopped, Warrior Wizard. I have to go pee, too!”

The animals had already found a spot to relieve themselves. Misty, Princess, and I rushed to the restrooms and each slammed a stall door shut behind us.

“Okay, Princess, spill it. Why are you hiding in the back of my car? And why the hell did you wait until we were nearly a hundred miles away to tell us, so now I have a good two-hour drive to get you back home and then start all over on our quest?”

“I’m going with you.”

“No. That isn’t even an answer to my question. No one invited you along and now I’ll have half the Sovereignty out hunting me like your brother’s kidnappers. Kidnappers! Do you get that?” I shouted.

“Nobody’s going to hunt for you,” she sighed. She opened her matching green leather purse and pulled out another sheet of paper to hand me. It was handwritten and I wondered if the girl had tried to disguise her own writing.

Know all by these presents:
The Sovereign and First Lady grant their permission for their daughter, Princess Bridget Rex, to travel with the Wizard Warrior Jackie on her quest and to join in all such adventure as such quest might bring.
This further appoints Wizard Warrior Jackie as temporary guardian of Princess Bridget Rex.
Signed, Regina Elizabeth Rex, First Lady

“This is conspicuously missing your father’s signature, which I have several copies of so I could compare it,” I said.

“Mother said you wouldn’t notice that. So, please don’t notice.” I just stared at her with my mouth open.

“Why don’t you two come and join me for a mid-morning snack,” Misty said. She had a picnic basket sitting on one of the tables in the rest area and was unpacking what looked like a lot more than a snack. Now that she mentioned it, though, I was hungry. We went to sit at the table.

“Why would you want to go on a quest with us?” I asked as I took an egg salad sandwich and a cup of hot coffee from Misty. I put the question of where hot coffee came from away from my mind. It was all a dream. I was convinced.

“He’s my brother.”

“I watched you at breakfast yesterday. You didn’t seem happy that we were going to go find him,” I said. “A little sibling rivalry going on here? Are you hoping to stop us from finding him?”

“No! The little brat is a worthless dick, but he’s my brother. I was unhappy about you being offered the reward.”

“The reward? Your brother’s hand in marriage? Believe me, that is never going to happen. What is he? Ten? No way, baby,” I laughed. Even Misty rolled her eyes at that one.

“You made that clear at the table. Then Daddy dearest offered you half the Sovereignty.”

“And you don’t want me to have half the Sovereignty,” I said. “Don’t worry. Too much paperwork. Not interested.”

“Fine, but if I bring back my brother, my father has to honor the agreement. He can’t offer me the hand of my brother in marriage! Oh, yuck! So, he’d have to offer me half the Sovereignty. And I’m pretty sure I can talk my brother out of the other half.” She set her coffee mug down with a decided thump. I glanced at it and saw that she had hot chocolate. I didn’t even see a thermos around.

“So, what you want is the Sovereignty. Why don’t you just support Valentine, marry him, and become First Lady?”

“Yu-uck! And I thought my brother would be a bad deal. Valentine is a weasel. And I’d have to be installed as First Lady for at least a year before I could poison him and get away with it. And through that whole year, I’d be losing handmaidens and pages who had to taste my food for me.” The picture she painted of poisonings and attempted murders was shocking.

“Princess,” Misty said nicely, “what skills do you have that will make you a valuable addition to our quest and not just an added burden? You have to know that Jackie has all she can do just to keep me out of danger. If she has to focus on you, either I’d get left out or she’d never be able to focus on her quest.” Nicely put. I wanted to protest that Misty was no burden, but that would contradict her argument for getting rid of Princess.

“Unlike you,” Princess said haughtily, “I’m actually trained in how to use my sword and defend my person with advanced martial arts. I have twelve other weapons concealed on my person, the greatest of which is my look of vulnerability and innocence.”

Okay. That was almost too much. Maybe it’s type-casting, but I have never met a redhead I considered either vulnerable or innocent. Think about it. Redhead. Innocent. Contradiction in terms. I swallowed the remains of my sandwich which seemed to have lasted a long time while I kept eating it. Before she could move or defend herself, I whipped the gold cord off my robe and looped it around her, holding her tight.