Chapter 5: Four Stars

“JACKIE THE OGRE-TAMER,” Misty laughed. “Scrub him down, kids!”

“All right already! I was scared out of my mind. A guy as big and strong as him? He could have just snapped the cord I wrapped around his wrists. It was just taking him so much by surprise that made it succeed. Nice touch throwing a mint in his mouth, by the way.”

“Did you see the way he looked at Dale?”

“Or the way she looked at him? It was like she was just waiting to get hold of him and give him a shave and haircut.”

“Nice job of it, too. I can just hear them now as they plan to name their first baby Jackie,” Misty said. “I saw the way you looked at him when he was all cleaned up. Worried for a minute that I’d have to go on the rest of this quest by myself.”

“Oh, please. I mean he was quite a handful when he was all cleaned up, but that’s not what I’m on the hunt for,” I said.

“Exactly what are you on the hunt for?”

“Good question. I didn’t know I was on the hunt for anything when we started out the other day. Now it seems like there should be some meaning to all this.”

“All what, dear niece?” Misty asked sweetly. I frowned at her.

“Okay. Let’s suppose for argument’s sake that we are in a separate reality. That someplace after graduation, we magically transported somewhere and I’m a Warrior Wizard and you are still my pain in the ass but much beloved aunt,” I suggested. She wrinkled her nose right back at me.

“We are,” she declared flatly.

“Then why? Why send a six-foot-three beanstalk off into a different dimension dressed in her graduation gown and army boots, with her dog and her aunt and a hot car that never runs out of gas? What I’m saying is that if ... IF, I say ... if this is a different dimension, there must be some reason I was chosen to enter it. And that reason has be more than stopping a robbery, killing a snake, and taming an ogre. I might believe all this is some supernatural shit, IF and WHEN you can tell me what the purpose is,” I said. I was sure I had her here. She was quiet for a minute. The silence was deafening. Only I couldn’t tell if the rumble I heard was the engine or that cat being bathed by my dog. That’s not evidence of the supernatural, is it?

“Okay, I’ll play this silly game of speculating with you. There has to be a higher purpose to your calling. However, there is a lower purpose, too. You have to learn to accept yourself for what you are, and learn to flourish. And you do that by constantly having your character tested and overcoming whatever dangerous situation lies before you. You find strength of character to act and stop a robbery. You find the courage to go out alone in a deluge to rescue a little boy from snakes. You take one look at a huge man raising Cain and see beyond the exterior to tame him and make him a part of society. Those are all things that reveal your character and show what kind of person you genuinely are.”

I thought about what she was saying while I sang along with k.d. lang on the radio.

gonna walk away from trouble with my head held high,
then look closely, you’ll see luck in my eyes.

I looked over at Misty and she was singing along, too. She was also fiddling with something in her lap and I realized she was sewing something.

“What you got there, girl?” I asked.

“Little project I picked up back at the store while you were taming the ogre,” she said. “You got them snake rattles and no place to put them. Too bad we couldn’t have pulled its fangs. Anyway, I just thought I’d sew up a little bag to put your trophies in.”

“Don’t plan to pick up a lot of trophies, but having the rattles someplace safe would be good.”

“Now, you don’t get to escape the question so easy. That’s the part of the quest that’s about you. But there’s lots of ways to show what a person is made of that don’t involve getting transplanted into another dimension. There’s something about you that is needed in this world. The place hasn’t looked that broken and in need of fixing like Scarecrow said he does. I don’t see armies gathered on the horizon getting ready to wipe out the innocent people we’ve met. But there’s a quest here and it seems like you probably know what it is or you wouldn’t be here.”

“Well, the next thing is to pull into that roadside so the kids can stretch their legs and pee. Me, too,” I said.

“Yeah. Me, too,” Misty sighed. I’d avoided the question again.

It was just a little roadside park, but it had restrooms and a pump for water. We gave the pets a bowl and each had a Shasta Creme Soda and munched from a bag of chips while the two explored around the park and Shasta practiced her pouncing skills on an unamused Roadkill. He came up to me with the cat on his back and whined.

“What a good boy you are,” I comforted as Misty picked up Shasta. I petted Roadkill and made sweet over him. “Okay, kids. Don’t know where we’re going, but we should head out.” They scampered into the car and settled in with Shasta giving Roadkill’s ears a good cleaning. I could just hear him moaning, ‘This is so undignified.’ We pulled back on the highway.

Mile 394

We began seeing small towns more frequently. I guess that didn’t take much since we’d seen only one small town in the past 250 miles or more. At one we stopped for a potty break and bought ice cream at a little stand. Nothing happened. It was a relief. I was beginning to think that every time we saw people, I’d need to do something heroic. It was nice to not even be looked at twice.

“So, quests generally divide up into three categories,” Misty said. She was not letting go of this whole quest thing. “You could be here to kill or destroy something. That’s the classic Tolkien. Take the one ring to Mount Doom and cast it into the volcano. Lewis: destroy the snow queen and liberate Narnia. Second, the find or recover quest. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Brooks, The Sword of Shannara, once again to destroy the Warlock Lord and free the four lands. Finally, the rescue quest. Rescue and resuscitate Snow White, free and resuscitate Sleeping Beauty, find the white tower and rescue Rapunzel. Classic fairy tale scenarios.”

“Those last ones are all damsel in distress scenarios,” I sighed. “Just not interested in rescuing and resuscitating a princess from the dragon.”

“Ah, but the thing is, you might be called to do any of them in the process of fulfilling the main quest. You can’t just look at a robbery in progress and say, ‘Not my circus, not my monkeys.’ You have to take action or you aren’t the hero of the story.”

“I had to go rescue the little boy because I’m the hero,” I said, mulling over the words. “I had to tame the ogre or I wouldn’t be a hero. Are we sure being a hero is what I’m meant to be? Maybe you’re the hero and I’m the trusty but completely inept driver who is constantly getting in trouble. That would work, wouldn’t it?”

“Ha! Who in their right mind would cast me as the hero? I’m only here to be with and support you. And try not to be the one who needs rescuing.”

“Still, all that gives us is the directive to keep being heroic, even though I have no idea what it’s all about.” We drove on a mile or two and started to see signs of a major settlement. Billboards advertising hotels, restaurants, insurance companies, and DUI lawyers. “I’m tired and hungry. I say we get a room at that nice hotel. I’ll treat you to a decent meal and a clean bed with a hot shower.”

Misty opened the TripTik and scanned the page to see where we were.

“Might not want to do that,” she said. “The TripTik says ‘don’t stop here.’ We should go on a ways.”

“I said I’m tired and hungry,” I snapped. “I’m not waiting for a stupid map to tell me where to sleep for the night.” I pulled into the hotel entry way and a valet ran out to take the car. I held up my hand to stop him when he came to the window. “Just tell me where to park that’s safe. I don’t give the keys to this baby away to anyone.”

“I’ll personally guarantee the safety of your vehicle, ma’am,” he said. “I’m a trained professional driver.”

“I’m sure you will guarantee the safety of my vehicle and I’ll tip you well to do so. But you need to point me to a safe parking space.”

He started to speak again but stopped when he actually looked into the car and saw me. I swear, he jumped back five feet and snapped to attention.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said. “We’ll watch your vehicle carefully. Just pull into that center spot over there.” He pointed and I drove to the designated space. There was an empty space on either side of me and when I got out of the car, I saw the valet running to place yellow cones blocking off the other two parking spaces. He ran back to his station by the door and I saw him on the phone. I was surprised no bellman came out to carry our luggage, but I guess after the way I treated the valet, it was understandable.

The animals got out of the car with us and we picked up their dishes, our backpacks, and the bags of animal food. People stood aside as we made our way to the registration desk. Apparently, the valet had already reported our arrival. Misty handed her credit card to the desk clerk and he looked surprised. He ran it and handed us key cards.

“Top floor. Executive suite. It’s the best we have. Room service is waiting to attend you,” he said. Then he jumped back and left the desk. Neither of us had signed anything. There was no one else there to ask a question of. We went to the elevator and pushed the button for the top floor. It was eerily silent. The executive suite was lavish.

“Woah! Is this the life?” I asked, tossing myself onto the huge bed. What luxury! Misty kept prowling around. “Hey! Lighten up. They’re giving us the royal treatment. Doesn’t that compute in your book of heroes?”

“Jackie, haven’t you noticed how weird everyone is? Yes, they’re giving us the best of everything, but they’re all running from us like scared rabbits. Everyplace else we’ve been might not have been wealthy, but they were friendly. This all makes me nervous,” Misty said.

“Oh, come on, Auntie. Let’s go down to the restaurant and have a big dinner. Steak tonight. I saw the sign in the lobby pointing to the steakhouse. Bet they have the best you’ve ever tasted.”

“I don’t know, Jackie...” She was still stumbling around the room, so I grabbed her hand and opened the door. The animals jumped out of the room and scanned the hallway like they were bodyguards. I just headed to the elevator and tapped the lobby floor.

Apparently, our appearance in the lobby again was unexpected. There were several people milling about talking, but as soon as we were noticed, a hush fell across the room. Everyone moved away as we made our way to the steakhouse. No one met us at the reception desk, so we just walked in and sat at a table where we thought we’d be out of the way.

“We don’t serve your kind in here,” a burly man in a dark suit said, approaching our table.

“They’re service animals,” I explained. “And they’ve already eaten.”

“I was talking about you,” he said glaring at me. “You’ll have to leave.”

I was pissed, but whatever they thought ‘my kind’ was, I wasn’t going to get violent. I stood and turned to Misty.

“Come on, Misty. We’ll get room service like you said,” I said. The animals got up to follow me.

“I said you had to leave. Not her. She can stay. In fact, I insist she stays,” the man said. I was beginning to suspect he wasn’t the maître d’. Misty started to stand and he shoved her back into her seat. I stepped forward to move him away and three more guys suddenly appeared, bearing down on us. Roadkill growled and jumped one of the guys, knocking him to the floor. Shasta leapt to the table and scratched the hand that was gripping Misty, then bit it when he swung at her.