The conveyor carried the pigs. There wasn’t room to turn around. Head to tail they went, the metal grate clanking beneath them. No telling what was up ahead. Plenty of pigs behind.

“Boy, do you stink,” said the pig to Jacob’s rear.

“Sorry, couldn’t help it,” Jacob replied.

Clank, clank, clank.

Now, just over the shoulder of the pig ahead, Jacob could see. Three ahead was Emil. Good old Emil, not the best at tag, but a good buddy. Ahead also was a gate. And the man. With the hammer. And the knife. And the gate opened. And the man mumbo-jumbo’d:

GodInHeaven
WhoGracesHeavenAndEarth
BlessThisCreature
AndTakeHisSoulToThee.

And the hammer came down. And the knife went up. Oh no! Poor Emil!

A hook snatched Emil by the butt. Yanked him up. Blood spurting from his throat. Yikes! “Stop!” Jacob wanted to shout. “Stop this thing right now!”

Clank, clank, clank.

The pig in front. Betty Sue. Sweet Betty Sue. Jacob had always had a crush on her.

And the gate opened. And the man mumbo-jumbo’d:

GodInHeaven
WhoGracesHeavenAndEarth
BlessThisCreature
AndTakeHisSoulToThee.

And the hammer came down. And the knife went up. And the hook snatched her. Jacob closed his eyes and squealed. He was next.

Clank, clank.

“Oh, no!”

But the conveyor stopped. The gate stayed up. The man set down the hammer and the knife. Break time. Union regulations.

“Whew!” breathed Jacob. “Close one. But what’ll I do when the man comes back?”

“Do what you do best,” snorted the pig behind.

“What’s that?”

“Fart.”

“What good will that do?”

The pig behind chortled. “The stink will distract the man. Then we run for it.”

“Maybe I should just pray?” Jacob mumbled. “DearGodDearGodDearGod,” he chanted.

And when the man came back and the conveyor clanked and the gate opened, Jacob farted.

“GodIn Holy Shit!” the man mumbo-jumbo’d, and he jerked as the hammer came down, conking Jacob a wild, glancing blow, and he twitched as the knife went up, gashing deep into Jacob’s leg, and the hook snagged him, but not securely. It swung and wobbled and twisted, and Jacob, wrenched with pain, wriggled and jerked, and flew free, landing with a thud, stunned, bleeding, confused.

Just in time, Jacob came to his senses. He limped rapidly away, trailing blood, his body and nerves thrashed by anguish and anxiety. He squeezed through an opening and out, out into the bright sunlight where the air was fresh and the sky was blue and a pack of wild dogs who hung around hoping for scraps pounced on him and in a matter of minutes devoured him alive.

What is more, neither Jacob nor his soul made it to God’s side.