Chapter 9

JESSICA

I knew Jan was exhausted, so when I heard the baby crying, I went to her room and took the baby for changing.

She smiled at me thankfully, and said, “Jesse, I just fed her, but she needs to be changed.”

She pointed to the bag on the floor by the other bed where her mom was sleeping. I felt guilty about the problems I had caused for these two fine women and I was determined to take care of the baby until it needed nursing again.

After changing the diaper, I went out on the front porch and sat in the old rocking chair I had inherited as part of the ranch. Sitting down, gently rocking, I looked at Jan’s baby. She was looking at me very seriously, seeming to study me. I put my finger on her nose and was rewarded with the biggest smile. My heart broke looking at her. The only thing I wanted in life was a baby like this; a family that was full of love that I could be a part of.

With misty eyes I gave the baby a tight hug, wishing with my arms, until she complained. I had to laugh ... she was such a precious miracle! Sleep was winning out with him and I quietly took her back into the room where Jan was and carefully laid her in the bassinet. I stood up and saw Jan looking at me with a wan, grateful smile and silently tiptoed out.

I wasn’t hungry yet so I went to the corral and saddled Frisky, who was anything but that. She was an aging mare, quite docile, that neither the previous owners nor myself had the heart to get rid of. We slowly rode up the small valley to the spring just before the end of my property. It was a lovely spot with willows and cottonwoods scattered around in the damper soil around the spring.

It was a lovely spot and I always felt somewhat at peace there. It was early, but the brisk morning typical of the mountains was quickly showing promise of another hot July day. I sat down on a rock and looked back down the valley at my log cabin and the small town of De Beque. I could very faintly hear the constant traffic traveling endlessly along I-70.

I was in a strange mood. The baby, the gentle ride on Frisky, the early morning view of my ranch, all conspired to give me a sense of peace, of quietude. Thinking of the dance last night, I could feel my face burn – and not from the early sun peeping over the mesa to the east. I had made a real bollix of the evening.

I loved Cal! It was as simple as that. I had dreams, like anyone does. In my dreams Cal loved me. I had built a sand-castle: the ranch with my little log cabin now big enough for a family; kids running around; a man that wanted me, really wanted me ... for myself!

I was afraid to say anything to Cal. I knew he liked me – but what if he didn’t love me like I wanted him to? I hoped at the dance ... maybe when we were close; maybe he would put his arms around me and talk about love and babies and ... my face turned red just thinking about it.

When Cal had asked me to dance, I was so excited but as I looked around there was no one else dancing. I knew everyone would be staring at us, alone on the floor as Cal told me how much he loved me – and it was too much. I begged off and asked him to dance with me when there were more folks on the dance floor and they were playing a nice slow tune.

Finally, I heard the sad chords of “Tennessee Waltz.” I always got teary-eyed when I listened to the sad refrain:

I had been following Cal around with my eyes, ready to meet him and start our life’s journey together. I was half-way across the crowded dance floor when the blond floozy waltzed up to Caleb and gave him a big kiss! I was devastated! Then he started dancing with her! I felt the huge rogue wave that crashed down on my castle of sand ... my dream dissolving into a fantasy.

Tears blinding me, I turned and rushed out from the barn. I asked a couple of cowboys if one of them could give me a ride back to my ranch. Both of them just stared at me like I was crazy. Then another of the ranch hands stepped out of the shadows. As he spoke, I knew he had too much to drink but I was crushed and wanted to escape ... so badly.

He was tall, slim, and maybe good-looking – but he wasn’t Cal! He stepped up and drawled,

“Ma’am, I’d be darn pleased to help y’all out!”

One of the other ranch hands jumped in and said, “Miss, I don’ think you want to take off with this here critter! I guess Joel and I could give y’all a lift.”