Chapter 3

JESSICA – A girl alone

Jessica was a plain girl, not by God’s plan, but by her clothes, her lack of knowledge of how to present herself and from the crushing blows events in her life had dealt to her self-esteem. By looking in the mirror and seeing a plain, mousy girl, she became one.

In school she never became part of one of the girlish cliques that form; rather she was always the outsider, forever being mocked and made an object of ridicule. Children can be cruel in a very ugly way and Jessica was all too often chosen as a target of that cruelty; no one stood up for her, no one befriended her.

Her parents lived on a small farm outside of Durango, a small place with the pump outside and a one-holer out back. The farm was about 500 feet higher than Durango’s 6500-foot elevation and winters were harsh! Her mom made most of her clothes – what wasn’t made was bought second-hand and they made her appear dowdy.

When Jessica was ten her dad disappeared; he just wasn’t around anymore. She didn’t say anything for a few days but finally got the gumption to ask her mom. The answer devastated what little sense of self-worth she had left.

“Damn old fart! He done said he didn’t want no old crow of a wife and a girl kid to hold him down. He tooken off with that redhead floozy at that dance hall of Hank’s. Good riddance I say!”

Jessica obsessed with the idea that her dad never wanted her! Her mom was never affectionate; many were the nights her pillow was damp with the tears slowly sliding down her cheeks – each one a testament to her sadness. Each tear lessened her expectations from life; each tear left behind a growing well of bitterness, a sense of worthlessness.

They held onto the farm, barely. By raising chickens and selling chickens and eggs, plus some sewing by both of them, they scrimped by. Jesse (as she thought of herself) began making most of her own clothes when she was fourteen. She had a sense of style but the material she had to work with was second-rate at best.

High school was better in many ways but she still suffered intense loneliness, sometimes bordering on depression. She wasn’t picked as an object of ridicule anymore but she also didn’t have any friends. She was never asked to go to a dance and the few dates as such were disasters. She knew she could get more dates by being “friendlier” but somehow, she had developed a stubborn pride in herself ... and in her own thoughts, a pitiful dream of finding that special person that God had chosen for her.

She put all her energies into her studies, taking all the advanced placement courses she could. She was rewarded by being offered a full-ride scholarship to Ft. Lewis College, including room and board. She wound up with one of the few single rooms in the dorm and was able to keep it all three years she was there. She went to summer school each year and took more than a full course load, planning to finish early.

Once she was safely ensconced in her dorm her mom sold the farm and took off, telling Jessica, “It’s my time now. I’ve done worked hard and I’m gonna go git me some life before it be passin’ me by.” She took off for Tucson and Jesse never saw her again.

She had never really had fun in her life so she reasoned if she didn’t expect it she wouldn’t be disappointed when it didn’t come. This perverted logic got her through Ft. Lewis in a never-never land of neither being happy or unhappy.

The summer after her freshman year her Aunt Bea called from Golden and told her that her mom had died in Flagstaff in a car accident two weeks before and had been buried before anyone knew what had happened. Bea invited her to visit her in Golden for a couple weeks between classes and it was so nice she did it each summer.

Jesse found in her aunt and uncle a love she had never received from anyone else but they were of an older generation and couldn’t see or understand her unhappiness. When she got the scholarship to the School of Mines in Golden, her Aunt Bea insisted she live with them.

She had met Gerry and fell in love and was so happy to be loved. Her dream of a caring man and children had seemed within reach. But, then...