Chapter 3: This Body Rules/Is An Utter Disappointment

Kai held back his excitement with much difficulty as he hopped on the back of a black horse with elegant ease. Having this body surely kicked butt. He wondered just how good he was. Prince Sebastian was strong enough to kick a man the size of Conrad across the room and had ice lasers in his eyes, which, again, was pretty damned cool.

It served a lot that his body knew by itself what to do because he had never been on the back of a horse in his life. The troops were gathered on a large field, and Kai let the horse trot as he pretended that he knew what he was doing while looking over the armed men.

The horse also appeared to know when to stop and turn toward the troops. Hmm, was he supposed to hold a speech?

“Fellow men,” he started. Hmm, was that how it was done? Impassive eyes met him. “Tomorrow, we will slain some dragons.”

There was no reaction from the gathered men.

“This is all. Dismissed!” he shouted.

Nobody moved. The impassive eyes now seemed full of dismay.

Pepin hurried to him on the back of a smaller horse. “Your Majesty,” he whispered angrily, “you’re supposed to yell at them and tell them how bad they did on the last expedition.”

“How bad they did on the last expedition?” Kai whispered back.

Pepin seemed taken aback by his question. “They saved all the villages along the border and brought with them supplies for an entire year.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound so bad, right?”

Another discomfited reaction from Pepin confirmed that he had, actually, a tough time staying in character.

“All right.” He turned toward the troops again. “Last time, you sucked. Big time. I mean, come on, supplies for just one year?”

“It was all the villagers could spare.”

Kai turned toward Conrad, who was also on horseback and coming toward him. He wore a red coat that looked like it had been made to order and the same disgruntled expression on his face.

“What are you doing here?” Kai leaned slightly to one side and threw Conrad a questioning look.

“I am your royal concubine, whether I like it or not. You enlisted my services,” Conrad said through his teeth.

“Ah, okay.” It made perfect sense. Not really. “So the people couldn’t spare any more food. Is that it?”

“Yes.”

“Then it’s all ‘kay,” he said with a shrug. “Good job, people.” To emphasize that, he turned his thumbs up and grinned.

Panicked whispers were coming from the troops now.

“Seriously,” Kai said louder. “From now on, when we save a village or whatever, take only what the people can spare. All right? Are we good?”

There was no more movement, and all the eyes were on him, now filled with fear. Damn, he really was some sort of villain.

“Can I dismiss them now?” He turned toward Pepin.

“You’ll have to train the knights,” his servant reminded him.

“Of course. Everyone but the knights dismissed!” he shouted.

“The knights are waiting for you at the jousting grounds,” Pepin whispered.

Right. The troops in front of him were all on foot.

“Then why aren’t we already there?” he asked Pepin like it was the servant’s fault that his master was a scatterbrain. “Come on, let’s go.”

Conrad followed them at a short distance.

“Does he really have to be everywhere I go?” he asked Pepin and threw one look over his shoulder at the – his – royal concubine.

“Your Majesty, do you really want to get rid of him? It would break his heart.”

“Really? He hates my guts. And he thinks that by getting rid of him I’m trying to break his neck, not his heart.”

“Break his neck? Ah, you mean,” Pepin said and made a discreet move with his hand across his neck.

Kai snickered. He was starting to infect Pepin with his stupidity. “Yeah. Between you and me, because he doesn’t believe me, I have no intention to do that. I just don’t need him anymore.”

“Why are you talking to your servant about me?”

Kai let out a small yelp. He hadn’t noticed Conrad getting so close.

“Because you’re annoying, and I don’t know how to deal with you,” Kai said promptly. “BL or whatever, I’m not interested, okay.”

“Ah, so it’s true,” Conrad said. “You just wanted to make your servant jealous by bringing me to your bed.”

“Say what?” Kai asked quickly.

It wasn’t enough that it was a BL story. He was caught in a frigging love triangle! Ugh, that meant double the danger.

“I am not jealous,” Pepin said from the tip of his lips and turned his head away from both of them.

“You’re not?” Conrad hissed. “Then why do I have to wear such tight clothes? I can barely breathe in them. It’s surely your hand in this. I don’t see how my garments could have shrunken overnight.”

Kai threw Conrad a cursory look. “Are they too tight? You look pretty awesome in them.”

Pepin looked at him, and he seemed surprised at his reaction. Ah, so the servant wasn’t completely unaware of what must have happened to Conrad’s clothes.

Conrad unbuttoned his coat, revealing a sculpted chest. “And I have no shirt!”

Kai stared for a moment. All right, he needed to focus. Be gone, BL thoughts! “Pepin, why doesn’t Conrad have a shirt?”

Pepin appeared quite ready to throw a hissy fit. He put his heels in the sides of his horse and rode away with a pissed-off look on his face. “Because Your Majesty prefers him naked, anyway!” he threw over his shoulder.

“Hmm,” Kai barely managed. Great, now he was alone with Conrad, which wasn’t exactly ideal. Who knew what lewd thoughts crossed the guy’s mind right this moment?

“You’re letting him get away with anything,” Conrad accused as soon as Pepin was out of earshot. “And you’re taking him with you everywhere now? Does it mean that you’re going to put him in my stead?”

“In your what?”

Conrad looked ahead. How come a proud man like that could settle for becoming a royal concubine? It had to be only because of the BL plot, or otherwise, it made no sense. “I would rather you not torture me like this, but very well, do as you wish.”

Kai grabbed Conrad’s arm. “Conrad, look,” he said, “no one will get your place, all right?”

The molten lava eyes inspected him for signs of lying, without a doubt.

“Cross my heart,” he added. “Now I have some knights --”

He gasped when Conrad grabbed him and pressed their mouths together. They had to be riding pretty close for the guy to pull a stunt like that. Kai felt his eyelids growing a bit heavy and his chest getting warm as Conrad brushed his lips forcefully against his.

No way was he getting any more tongue from a dude today! He pushed Conrad away, but just as measuredly as he had done with Pepin.

Conrad licked his lips and followed his every move with heated eyes.

“Um, about this, though,” Kai started, “can we not do it?” That was a good idea.

“So that you can do it with your servant?”

Kai groaned. “What the hell is wrong with you, people? Why does everyone want to sleep with me?” Well, it was an exaggeration, maybe, as they only seemed bent on kissing him, but still.

“Why? Are you really asking that question? You’re Prince Sebastian. Gods forbid someone didn’t do your bidding or it would be hell to pay,” Conrad said tersely.

“And I have no idea what you mean by that,” Kai said under his breath. “Now let’s go to the jousting grounds, to kick some knight’s ass.”

Conrad looked at him with a stricken expression in his eyes. “Even with the knights? Just how perverted are you?”

“That’s so frigging rich,” Kai moaned, “coming from a dude who just tried to stuff his tongue down my throat.”

“I certainly did not,” Conrad said, obviously taking offense.

“You did. Good thing I kept my mouth close,” Kai said back. “You went all forceful on me.”

“You ordered me all night long to do that to you.”

Kai rolled his eyes and looked at the azure skies, hoping for an answer. “I mean it, Conrad. You look like a cool dude. You can just forget about doing ... that kind of things with me. I’m not firing you from being the royal concubine since you care so much, but I’m not going to require, um, that kind of services from you.”

“I am not about to fall into the same trap again. Now what do you want to do with the knights?”

“Definitely not the kind of thing I did with you last night,” Kai said. “I’m not a manwhore!” Hopefully not, or cool ice magic and other stuff were wasted on Prince Sebastian.

“Keep that thought, Your Majesty,” Conrad said with a smirk. “That is not what I’ve heard about you.”

Kai sighed. All right, so having superpowers came with drawbacks, but why did he have to be a manwhore in a BL story? Whatever, as a true hero, he would have to navigate this world with skill and determination, even if it meant fending off the advances of his sex slave along the way.

Sebastian took place at the small table and looked at the sad vegetable stew on his plate. “Is this the first course?” he asked.

The mother, whose name he hadn’t learned yet, looked at him with stern eyes. “As if you would finish even one. I don’t understand how you have no appetite at your age, but still managed to grow like weed.”

No appetite? He had a legendary appetite. But this gangly body in which he was trapped for now apparently cared little for food. Without commenting, he began to eat. From the corner of one eye, he spied on Princess Tani. She was fiddling with a magical item that looked like a thin rectangular box. She kept tapping on it and giggling from time to time.

“I said ‘no phone at the table’,” the mother said sternly.

Ah, so that was the phone Tani was talking about. And he seemed to have one of his own. That was the sort of thing he would have to examine at length later.

The food was not much to look at, but it had just the right amount of flavor. However, the portion on his plate proved to be unsatisfying. He would just have to wait for the second course once everyone finished theirs.

“Do you want seconds?” the mother asked him.

Confused, he looked at her.

“I’ll fill up your plate again just to witness the wonder,” she said and grabbed his empty plate.

Oh, that was what she meant by ‘seconds’. It wasn’t like him to eat so much of the same food, but it appeared that this family was down on their luck. Maybe the only wealth they still had was the hot spring underneath the building.

His quest couldn’t be to solve this family’s problems. Therefore, as soon as he could be alone with the magical item called ‘phone’, he would start figuring out what to do to lift the curse and return to his world.

“Tani, help me wash the dishes,” the mother warned the princess just as they were about to finish.

They were so pitifully poor, Sebastian thought. They had no one to wash the dishes, either.

“How come Kai doesn’t ever have to help you?”

“He breaks everywhere he puts his hands on. I don’t want to budget new plates this month,” the mother said.

Oh, so the original owner of this pathetic body was a klutz. However, Sebastian took offense at that. “I beg your pardon. I am perfectly capable of doing that.”

He had never washed dishes, but he had seen the kitchen wenches using large buckets with soapy water to clean them. How difficult could it be? He had slain dragons!

“All right. Let me see you place the plates in the dishwasher without breaking one while not forgetting to hit the correct button,” the mother said. She linked her fingers and placed her chin on them.

She was no longer young, and she seemed tired, but Sebastian liked her for some unfathomable reason. He was no good with mothers because he had never been close to one. Maybe that was the reason why he liked her.

“What is a dishwasher?” he asked.

The mother threw her hands in the air and began grabbing the plates from the table. She was shaking her head and muttering something under her breath. Sebastian followed her with his eyes as she opened a strange drawer and placed the plates inside.