Chapter 57: Ups and Downs

November 7, 1985, McKinley, Ohio

"What's bugging you, Petrovich?" Clarissa asked on Thursday morning as we walked from our cars towards the main medical school building.

"That obvious?"

"It was obvious Tuesday night. I figured you'd say something yesterday, but you didn't."

"I wanted to talk to Elizaveta and Father Nicholas about it. The short version is that there is a battered five-year-old girl in the pediatric ward, and I ran smack into what I guess you could call the 'division of labor'. To me, healing has to involve body, mind, soul, and spirit."

"Similar to your take on relationships with body, mind, heart, and soul?"

"Yes, it's similar to the point we make about salvation — that in order for us to be saved, Christ had to be fully human, in body, mind, soul, and spirit. But he also had to be God, and it is the union of those in the man, Jesus, that allows, through the Eucharist, for the 'healing of soul and body', by which we mean the whole person, in every aspect of their humanity."

"So what exactly happened?"

"The little girl wants her mom, but her dad beat up her mom so badly that can't happen. She's basically alone, lonely, and frightened, and nobody visits her. I wanted to read her a book but was gently but firmly told that I wasn't training to be a social worker. I think there's something fundamentally wrong there, but it's the story I've heard over and over. Honestly, I don't think that's the kind of doctor I want to be."

"But that is exactly what the ER is like, isn't it?"

"Now you see what's truly bugging me, Lissa."

"What we called your feminine qualities — nurturing, caring, sensitive — conflict with what amounts to the job definition for working in a hospital, and doubly so for working in the ER."

"In a sense, though, it's not quite as bad in the ER because patients don't stay there very long. They're either treated and released, taken to surgery, or admitted to one of the services."

"I know this is going to sound bad, but I'm going to say it anyway. When the inevitable happens, and a patient dies, you're the perfect person to convey that to the family. Well, for them. For you, it'll tear you up."

"Exactly. I know it, and it's something I have to figure out how to deal with, or I'm going to wash out at some point."

"Something that was always your biggest fear. I suppose my one piece of advice is not to swing back to 'Doctor Mike' mode where you came across as soulless, emotionless, and driven."

"According to several people at the hospital, nurses and doctors, that's the basic definition of a surgeon. But that's not what I want to do."

"Well, if desire and reality are going to have a head-on collision, now's the time, not during our Intern year."

"I spoke to Father Nicholas last night about it. In the end, the only way to satisfy that particular personality trait is in general practice, and that is not what I want to do. Just one afternoon at the pediatric practice was enough to make that clear, even setting aside the problems with Doctor Bush. One solution I proposed to Father Nicholas was a hospital ministry of some kind, though ultimately, that would be a proxy because you and I both know we have zero extra time."

"So what's the plan, then?"

"Suck it up and deal with it," I replied. "But also to not forget that even when we're fixing bodies, we have to consider the whole person. That was driven home by the whole thing with Angie, and I guess, in the end, I have to take the lessons learned there and apply them across the board."

"But without losing your key qualities, Mike. My suggestion, Petrovich, is that for the next four years, you learn the system, figure out how to work in it, then figure out how to work around it. That was suggested during my first Preceptorship."

"An interesting idea."

"Shall we get our coffee and get to our physiology class?"

"Do we have a choice?" I asked.

"Yes, but not really!"

The rest of the day was routine, but as soon as we finished our study group, I hurried home so that Elizaveta and I could eat, and then drive to Taft for Code Blue's dress rehearsal.

"Hi, Mike!" Milena called out when Elizaveta and I walked backstage in the small auditorium where the dress rehearsal would be held.

"Hi!" I replied, then peeked through the curtain, "It looks like more than just your class out there!"

"Mom's music theory class is here as well. We made it clear nobody else was allowed in the auditorium."

"Music theory?" I said, shaking my head. "As an example of what NOT to do?"

Milena laughed, "The idea of a 'cover' is as old as music itself! There are songs which have been covered hundreds of times, and each one is slightly different from the original. Your band puts their own touches on the music. Is your guitar solo identical to the one by The Boss? Or is Sticks' drum solo identical to Phil Collins'?"

"I wish!" Sticks exclaimed.

We shook hands, and I went to a small dressing room to take off my cassock, pants, and shirt and don my blue surgical scrubs.

"Speaking of imitation!" Kim said with a laugh. "All you need is the mask hanging down, and you can be 'Doctor Fink'!"

"You know," Dona said, "you guys should add at least one song by Prince and the Revolution to your repertoire."

"Computer Blue?" Milena teased.

"NO!" I declared. "Anything but that!"

"Mike's hatred of all things computer-related precedes him and is becoming legendary!" José laughed. "Obviously not for this weekend, but what about Take Me With U?"

"I'm actually OK with anything except Darling Nikki, which would be hard to explain to my bishop," I said.

"Either Take Me With U or Let's Go Crazy would be cool," José said. "What do you think, Kim?"

"Well, neither of those songs really fit the theme of either the first or second set. But we could add a third encore. That would mean that Let's Go Crazy would fit, and be first. Otherwise, we'd need to reconsider how we have our sets defined."

"Won't that change, though?" Sticks asked. "We need new songs from time to time, or we'll never get any gigs."

"Maybe a middle set that changes every concert?" Kim suggested. "Let me think about it, but we could put all kinds of things in there, and mix them up. We have to be careful of the total number of songs and the time, or we'll all be beat, and our voices will be toast."

"Yours will!" Sticks laughed. "I just bang on the drum all day!"

"Is this where the party is?" Robby called out as he and Lee came backstage.

"It is now that you guys are here!" I exclaimed.

"We have to get together more," Robby replied.

"If you can invent a machine that gives me a couple of extra hours every day, we might pull that off. You know we only get a week off at Christmas this year. Next Summer, there's a one-week gap, but after that, it's all medical school, all the time."

"I don't know how you guys do it," Lee said. "How are Clarissa, Fran, and Sandy doing?"

"Just as busy. Sandy is her usual stressed-out self; Clarissa and Fran are doing about the same as I am. And all of us, including Peter and Maryam, are likely to make honors in anatomy."

"You just seem to thrive on that kind of stress," Robby observed.

"He's married, so he has plenty of opportunity for 'stress relief'," Lee teased.

I fought a grimace, because that comment, tied together with things others had said, was going to give Elizaveta the impression, correct, of course, that I'd been with Sandy at some point.

"You'll never guess who I ran into," I said, wanting to change the subject.

"Who?" Robby asked.

"James Bush's sister and dad. His dad is a pediatrician, and his sister is a Fourth Year at the medical school."

"Holy shit!" Robby exclaimed. "That was the dude who stood in front of your car! What happened?"

"I transferred away from his pediatric practice."

"And the sister?"

"In the ER. But she never said anything, so I just let it be. I'm observing the Pediatric service now, so I'm not around her in the ER. Maryam and Peter are there, but they don't know the full history, and she has no clue who they are."

"Did she know who you were?"

I shrugged, "No idea. She only ever saw me in scrubs, not my cassock, so who knows? I don't remember seeing her at the courthouse, either. Anyway, we need to get ready. Got your schtick set?"

"Of course!"

About fifteen minutes later, Robby and Lee stepped outside the curtain to begin the show.

"Are you ready, hey, are you ready for this?" Robby shouted.

"Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?" Lee continued.

"We hope this concert leaves you happy and satisfied!" Robby concluded. "Now, for their first-ever concert, please welcome Code Blue!"

The assembled students applauded, and the curtain went up and Code Blue began the dress rehearsal for our first concert, which would occur the following evening. The rehearsal went well, with only a few mistakes, none of which were glaring, and the assembled students showed their appreciation with a standing ovation at the end.

"That went really well!" Doctor Blahnik exclaimed when the curtain went down after we'd played Thank You For the Music.

"Tickets are completely sold out for both performances," Milena added. "We could probably sell out a third performance."

"You guys rocked!" Robby added as Sophia joined us backstage.

"So did you!" I replied. "Your schtick is getting better and better."

"I'd love to do stand-up, but we don't have enough material for our own show."

"You're hired for as long as you're around!" Kim declared. "You guys were great!"

"Still thinking Stanford?" I asked.

"That works best for the three of us," Sophia said. "I have an interview at Stanford during Christmas break, and the boys received acceptance letters for the Master's program."

"I'm happy for you guys," I said. "But that really sucks, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah, and it's not like you could apply for Residency at Stanford, given everything else that's going on in your life."

"I'm glad for you guys, too," José said, "but that means we need to find someone to take over the emcee role in about nine months."

"Let's worry about that AFTER the concert," Kim said.

"Afterparty at Mom's house tomorrow evening," Milena said. "I took the liberty of inviting most of your friends and a few others."

"We'll be there," I replied after looking to Elizaveta who nodded her agreement.

I excused myself, went to the small dressing room, changed out of my scrubs and into my slacks, shirt, and cassock, then returned to say 'good night' to everyone so that Elizaveta and I could head home to spend some time together.

"That was fun!" she exclaimed after we got into my Mustang. "I really liked singing with you!"

"And I liked singing with you!"

"Do you know what I want now?"

"I have a pretty good idea!"

"Well, I can show you, but you'll need to drive faster!"

November 8, 1985, McKinley, Ohio

"Happy name day, Petrovich!" Clarissa said on Friday morning.

"Thanks."

"How did it go last night?" Clarissa asked.

"It went well, though Robby and Lee both were accepted to Stanford, and assuming Sophia gets into the medical school, they'll all be leaving next Summer."

"Bummer. They're perfect emcees for you, not to mention good friends."

"Unfortunately, I don't have enough time to spend with them. I did seemingly dodge a bullet, though, when one of them referred to Sandy as needing 'stress relief'. I was afraid Elizaveta would pick up on that, but she didn't say anything."

"Because she didn't put two and two together? Or because she decided to just let it go?"

"I'm not sure, actually, and I don't want to ask. Kicking a hornet's nest is not a good idea."

"So 'let sleeping kittens lie'?" Clarissa teased.

"Something like that," I chuckled. "Are you guys coming backstage tonight?"

"No. We decided to sit with Liz, your mom, and your grandparents; we've been backstage at your other concerts and want to see you from the front. We'll be at that 'afterparty' tonight, obviously. Is your dad still planning to be there tomorrow?"

"Yes. Everything seems to have concluded with the County Prosecutor's office, but you never know. Mom said they hadn't called Mr. Winston again when I spoke to her before I left for school today."

"That pretty much calms things down, right?"

"I suppose if you call the day your parents' divorce is final 'calm'," I replied.

"Sorry! I forgot that was today. But it's really just paperwork, isn't it?"

I took a deep breath and let it out, "I suppose so, and honestly, once the bishop agreed to an ecclesiastical divorce, it was over. But the paperwork kind of makes it even more real, if that makes sense."

"It does. Are you doing OK?"

I shrugged, "As I said to Father Nicholas, it bothers me, but of the things I have to concern myself with at this point, it's kind of low on the scale. It would affect me more directly if I were living at home, for sure. But now? I have to look to my wife, school, and church, and everything else has to take something of a backseat. So, I suppose the thing to say is that it upsets me and concerns me, but there isn't much I can do about it except to accept it, resolve to love both my mom and my dad, and move forward. It sucks, but I don't see any alternative. It helps a lot that Liz and Paul stepped up to help my mom, too."

"You could have knocked me over with a feather on that one."

"Yes and no," I replied as I pulled open the door to the medical school building. "Liz understood, eventually, that my mom was trying to save her marriage. Once that effort proved fruitless, my mom accepted Liz's choice, and Liz was gracious about it."

"Your doing, of course. Maybe not directly, but the love you showed Liz helped put her on the right path. I take it Liz wants nothing to do with your dad?"

"You take it correctly," I said as we entered the cafeteria to get our coffee. "My dad being a hypocrite doesn't help."

"No, I suppose it doesn't. But you seem to be dealing OK with it."

"I'm the last person on earth who can cast a stone at someone for sexual sin."

"I still say you're too hard on yourself about that."

"And I still disagree."

We got our coffees, met our friends, and then headed to anatomy class. In the lab, now that we were working on the abdomen, we had even more questions, and more difficult ones, as we were exposing the major organs — lungs and heart now, and soon the digestive system.

I wondered if, at least for the Winter, it might make more sense to skip our morning runs, and just exercise at home. The twelve minutes to the Y each way consumed nearly thirty minutes that I could use to study before labs. Or maybe, I considered, just run twice a week on days we didn't have lab. It was something to discuss with Elizaveta, and with someone who knew more about exercising than I did.

I made a mental note to ask the trainer in the medical school gym for some tips.

"Thanks for inviting me 'backstage' tonight," Peter said when he and I were sitting in the steam room after the grueling lab session.

"You're welcome. I think we all need something to get our minds off school, even if we really can't."

"TELL me about it," he sighed. "I can't believe we only get Thursday off for Thanksgiving. I need a break, and Christmas isn't coming soon enough."

"I agree with you on that, for sure. What are you doing for Thanksgiving?"

"Clarissa and Abby invited me to their place."

"Cool. We're headed to my grandfather's house in Rutherford. I assume you're going home to Tallahassee at Christmas?"

"Yes," Peter replied. "My mom is already planning all sorts of stuff with our extended family and I'll see some friends from High School I've kept in touch with. I've met Jocelyn, but are there any other friends from High School you keep in touch with?"

"Dale, who was part of our High School trio, but he's out in Seattle working for Boeing. That's really it, though I do occasionally see my sister's friend Emmy, who I dated for a short time. I pretty much stuck to Dale and Jocelyn in High School."

"I really only had one close friend in High School, a girl named Cathy. I'll see her when I go home."

"Can I ask a very personal question?"

Peter laughed softly, "No, I never did. Not with a guy or a girl."

"I was going to ask about dating, but I guess that didn't happen either."

"Cathy and I went to Prom as friends. She was pretty much an outcast from Junior High on, and I decided to be her friend."

"Does she know?"

"I think she suspects, but I never told her. I probably will at Christmas. Talking to you and Clarissa has helped me be more comfortable, but I don't think I'm ready to be out, especially after hearing what happened with Robby and Lee."

"You should talk to them," I encouraged. "They'll certainly keep your secret."