Chapter 41: Never Forget

September 6, 1985, McKinley, Ohio

"Sandy's stress level seems to be a bit high," I said to Pete.

He nodded, "I've noticed. Given who I'm talking to, I can say that 'stress relief' isn't happening very often because she's dead tired by the time she's finished studying. And now that you've added those two additional study times, I think it's going to get worse."

"Is she eating right?"

"She was never a big breakfast person; she really prefers sleeping late."

"You might get up before her and make her breakfast," I suggested. "Well, except Mondays when she joins the group for breakfast."

"You know, that's not a bad idea. Maybe if she starts the day with a good meal, she won't be so tired."

"It can't hurt to try," I replied. "I'm sure you're already doing this, but make sure you adjust your schedule so that her free time is also your free time."

Pete nodded, "I don't need to study nearly as much as she does, so I'm pretty much always free when she is. I think that bugs her, actually."

I frowned, "I'm not sure what to do about that. Nobody has to study like med students, though I hear law school is pretty bad, too."

"Let me start with breakfast and see if that helps."

I nodded and saw Sandy coming from the bathroom, so I moved off to where Lara, Jack, Jocelyn, and Gene were standing.

"I'm sorry, Mik," Jocelyn said.

"For?"

"My wedding."

"You have nothing to apologize for."

"But you can't dance, and you can't perform in public!"

"And given His Grace isn't in earshot, I'll say that I'd do it again under the same circumstances. I should have anticipated, and I should have asked permission. It would most likely have been granted. You know I love you WAY too much to refuse you."

"He's that way," Elizaveta said, walking up to us. "And I agree with him, Jocelyn."

"I just feel bad," Jocelyn replied.

"Don't," I pleaded. "It's not a big deal, and the discipline will be over before you know it."

"You really have put your life under a microscope," Jack said, shaking his head.

"Which is why I couldn't marry him, despite being interested in doing so," Lara said with a smile which she directed at Elizaveta.

"In the end, that's not a path I could have walked either," Jocelyn added. "Despite everything else, Mike's lifestyle was not for me. The only girl besides Elizaveta who might have done it is Angie but given her situation..."

"How is she?" Lara asked.

"If," I replied, "she sticks with the treatment plan, and listens to her doctors, she's going to be able to work and to live independently, so long as she has people around to help her when she needs it. The key, according to Doctor Mercer, is having a network of caregivers, including family, friends, and church. Elizaveta and I will help as much as we're able, along with her parents, her parish, and her mom's Roman church."

"She can't be cured?" Jack asked.

I shook my head, "Nobody thinks so, and I couldn't find any indication in any of the research I did that anyone currently has any hope for anything beyond managing the illness."

"That sucks."

"It does," I agreed.

"Mike?" Milena said, coming up to us. "Let's sing."

I shook my head, "I'm not permitted."

"Ever?" she asked, clearly concerned.

"Not before October 25th. I messed up."

"Well, that sucks," she groused.

"Sorry. I won't make the same mistake again."

"Those robes are a straitjacket I wish you hadn't put on."

"But I did so willingly and with full knowledge of what I was doing."

"Oh, I know, but ... never mind. I respect your choice, Mike, even if it was one with which I don't happen to agree."

"Ask José," I suggested. "I'm sure he'll do it."

"It's not the same," she sighed. "But I will."

She turned and walked towards where José, Dona, Fran, and Jason were standing. Elizaveta took my arm and gently pulled me to a quiet corner of the great room.

"I didn't realize she was in love with you," Elizaveta said quietly.

"It's complicated, like so many other things in my life. She and I got along really well, but she was always destined to be with Joel. And you heard her opinion of my ordination."

"I did. You dated, didn't you?"

Technically, we didn't 'date', we were lovers, but that was a question Elizaveta couldn't ask directly.

"Yes, we did."

I was certain Elizaveta had just added Milena to the list of girls she was sure I'd been with. She confirmed that with her response.

"I wonder if I'll be able to guess all of them," she said with a sly smile.

"I'm not sure that's a game we should play," I cautioned.

"But, given the number you gave me, don't you think that I wonder about every girl you knew before we started dating? Well, except Clarissa, obviously."

I wasn't going to touch that qualification in any way, shape, or form.

"I suppose I'm not surprised," I said carefully, "though I wonder if it's wise for you to speculate."

Elizaveta laughed softly, "What happened, happened. Now, it's just curiosity, and I'm not going to say anything to anyone. And you just confirmed I was right!"

I chuckled, "I did, didn't I? You're sure you're OK?"

Elizaveta smiled, "You're mine!"

"Yes, I am."

September 8, 1985, McKinley, Ohio

"When did you have time to prepare your Sunday School lesson?" Elizaveta asked as we walked into church on Sunday morning.

"I'm teaching on the liturgy and liturgical cycle. The last fifteen years or so have been my preparation!"

"You mean from when you started as an acolyte?"

"Basically, yes. And you could probably teach the liturgical cycle!"

"But not the theology behind it."

We entered the nave, and Elizaveta went to the choir stand while I joined Father Nicholas, who had just arrived, to say our entrance prayers. When we finished, we went to the vestry so we could put on our liturgical garb.

"I didn't really have a chance to speak to you last night because I was hearing the Greenwalds' life confessions. I assume you are prepared for your Sunday School lessons?"

"As I said to Matushka as we walked into the church, I've had fifteen years of direct experience! And Father Herman ensured I had the theology down when he had me named a catechist. I'm glad because my time is sorely limited. The first month is going to be all liturgics, so I don't have to spend any extra time preparing."

"Good. And the Parish Council meeting today should be relatively quick. Next month is when we start working on the budget in earnest. Today is mostly reviewing Council procedures with the new council members and then the financial report from Mr. Malenkov. There are no 'new business' items from the Summer. How was your week?"

"Friday's anatomy lab wasn't much better than Wednesday's."

"Lord have mercy. How did Maryam do?"

"Fine. The entire experience is more than a bit disconcerting, more so for the girls because the young woman died at thirty-two from ovarian cancer."

"You pray before each session?"

I nodded, "Yes. It seems like the right thing to do given the circumstances."

"I don't think I could do that. Please let me know if Maryam is struggling or distressed."

"I will. Right now, it's Sandy who is stressed, and we let her boyfriend know."

"And your Matushka?"

"So far, so good. We're adjusting."

"Do you need confession this morning?"

"There's nothing big weighing on my conscience."

"Then shall we prepare the gifts?"

I nodded and went to prepare the censer while Father Nicholas unwrapped the loaves and laid out the implements and liturgical items. Just over four hours later, we completed the Divine Liturgy and joined everyone in the parish hall to celebrate the Greenwalds' chrismations. Sunday School started about ten minutes late, which meant it would be about ten minutes shorter, but I could work with that. My class of fourteen High School and college students gathered in the nave, and I started with the basics.

"Much of what I'm going to say today, you already know, but I want to start at the beginning so we're all on the same page. The church building itself, «церковь» (tserkov) in Russian, is most commonly called a 'church' though technically, the Greek term «εκκλησία» (ekklēsía) refers to the congregation, rather than the building itself. You'll often hear the building called a 'temple' which is more accurate, and you'll hear some of our older members refer to it as «Храм Божий» (Khram Bozhiy) — the temple of God. Either 'temple' or 'church' is acceptable in English, as the terms are basically interchangeable.

"First and foremost, a church is properly 'oriented' when it is facing east, that is, when the congregation and the priest face towards the east. The Latin word «oriens» literally means 'rising', and refers to the direction from which the Sun rises. Thus, when the church was built properly, it had correct orientation, and when it was not, it was, quite literally, 'disoriented'."

There was a small amount of laughter.

"The church building, or temple, has a number of symbolic meanings, the oldest and most commonly referenced of those being the 'Ark of Salvation', a direct reference to Noah's Ark, which carries us through the flood of earthly temptation. Excluding things such as the parish hall, offices, vestry, classrooms, and so on, the temple is divided into three parts — the narthex, the nave, and the altar, or, as some call it, the sanctuary.

"The Narthex, or vestibule as it's called by other Christian groups, connects the worship space to the outside world. In times past, this would be where catechumens and other non-Orthodox would stand, and while that tradition is no longer followed, there are references to it in the Divine Liturgy. You will hear me call out, 'The doors; the doors!' at which point the doors would have been closed. Our jurisdiction retains the command 'Let all catechumens depart' as well, though we no longer expect them to leave."

"Why was that done, Father Deacon?" Oksana asked.

"As we'll see when we get to the liturgy itself, there are two portions — the 'Liturgy of the Catechumens' and the 'Liturgy of the Faithful'. Originally, only baptized Christians were permitted to participate in the Eucharistic Prayers. Over time, this changed, and now we invite everyone to participate in the prayers, though only Orthodox Christians receive the Eucharist."

"So why leave those parts in the liturgy?" Joel asked.

"Tradition," I replied. "To be a bit flip, if it was good enough for Saint John Chrysostom and Saint Basil the Great, it's good enough for us!"

Everyone laughed softly.

"You'll notice," I continued, "that there are three sets of doors leading from the narthex into the worship area, or nave. Those are now replicated on the icon screen, but originally, entrances were done through those doors. In the coming weeks, we'll talk about the development of the liturgy, and I'll explain in more detail.

"As I mentioned, the area we use for worship is called the nave, and that word is directly related to the English words 'navy' or 'naval' and also refers to the 'Ark' I mentioned earlier. The nave is where we stand to worship, though, as I'm sure most of you are aware, many churches in the US have pews because of the influence of other Christian groups. For the same reason, you'll see Greek and Antiochian clergy wearing the traditional Western clergy shirts with the white clerical collar. I'll discuss traditional Orthodox clergy dress when we talk about vestments.

"As you know, in our services here, we stand except during the homily and announcements, while in many of our churches with pews, the people sit at many other times. Vladyka ARKADY's guidelines are that if you attend any liturgical services at a church with pews, either follow the local practice or stand in the back if you don't wish to sit.

"As you look around the nave, you'll see a wide collection of icons which vary greatly from parish to parish. The most common practice is to have an icon for every current and former member's patron and for other saints who are important to the lives of the parishioners. Over time, as you can see, the walls fill up, and eventually, every nook and cranny will have icons.

"If you look up, you will see, in the dome, the icon of Christ Pantokrator, the 'Ruler of All', representing heaven. Below it is a chandelier called the «horos», which in our church is simply oil lamps, but in some of the most important churches in Russia, the «horos» is adorned with icons in addition to the oil lamps.

"In the front of the nave is the iconostasis or icon screen. A standard iconostasis has three doors — the central, or 'Holy Doors', and side doors, commonly called 'Deacon's Doors'. As I'm sure you all know, the central doors are only used by the clergy, and at times, they are closed, and a curtain is drawn. We'll discuss those details when we go through the liturgy. The Deacon's Doors are sometimes called 'Angel Doors' because icons of the Archangels Michael and Gabriel are hung on them.

"To the right of the Holy Doors, as viewed by the laity in the nave, is the icon of Christ, then the icon of St John the Baptist; to the left is the icon of the Theotokos, always shown holding the Christ Child; and then normally the icon of the saint to whom the church is dedicated, in our case, Saint Michael the Archangel. The second row of icons, above the main icons, are the twelve Great Feasts, and above those are the apostles and prophets. And, on the arch above the Holy Doors themselves, the Last Supper.

"The final icon of note is the one in the apse behind the altar, the Panagia. It's also called «Πλατυτέρα» (Platytéra), meaning 'more spacious' denoting that Mary's womb is more spacious than the heavens, for it contains the Creator of the Universe, who cannot be contained or circumscribed. As with most icons of the Theotokos, it's inscribed with «ΜΡ ΘΥ» (MR TU), an abbreviation for «ΜΗΤΗΡ ΘΕΟΥ» (Mitir Theou) — 'Mother of God'.

"Remember, the Iconostasis doesn't actually create a separation, but rather brings the altar and the nave together as the link between the Holy of Holies, representing heaven, and the Holy Place, the nave. Everything on the icon screen is symbolic and manifests the presence of the person symbolized, leading and guiding us to the altar, the Holy of Holies. The icons are also, as has been said, 'windows into heaven'.

"And as all of us are made in God's image, the Iconostasis can also be seen as representing Jesus Christ, who is the connection between the realms of heaven and earth, uniting the space, rather than separating it. The Divine Liturgy is meant to bring us into the Throne Room of God, represented by the nave."

"Behind the icon screen is the altar, which is sometimes called the sanctuary, as I said. Inside the altar are the Holy Table in the center; on the north side, the Prothesis table, where the offerings are prepared during the Proskomedia before being brought to the altar table, and is where the holy vessels are stored; on the south side is the vestry.

"The altar table is square, and atop it, at the center toward the back, is the tabernacle where the reserved Eucharistic is kept for communion of the sick. In front of the tabernacle is the Gospel book, and under the Gospel is a folded cloth called the «eiliton». Folded within the «eiliton» is Vladyka ARKADY's «antimension» — a silken cloth imprinted with a depiction of the burial of Christ similar to the Epitaphion which we use at Pascha, and is what grants Father Nicholas the right to perform the Eucharistic service on the altar table.

"Behind the altar table is a seven-branched candlestick, meant to represent the seven-branched candlestick of the Old Testament Tabernacle and Temple in Jerusalem. Behind the candlestick is the processional cross, and on either side of the cross are liturgical fans which represent the six-winged Seraphim.

"If one followed the strictest rules, no animal products other than wool and beeswax are allowed in the altar. In theory, that would include leather shoes. In addition, no money is to be taken in, and all personal jewelry is supposed to be removed. In our archdiocese, only the priest and deacon are prohibited from wearing jewelry, though everyone may wear their baptismal cross. You've probably noticed at some point that Father Nicholas does not wear his wedding ring; Matushka Natalya wears his on a chain around her neck. I remove mine before I enter the altar."

"Father Deacon," Elias said. "I never take my wallet out of my pocket. I didn't know."

I nodded, "It's OK. You didn't know, but also, nobody would say anything."

"But now that I know..."

I nodded, "Then it's up to you. I'd strongly suggest you continue to wear your dress shoes despite them being made from leather. Canvas sneakers with rubber soles aren't really appropriate!"

"What would they have worn back then?" he asked.

"Good question! I never researched it to find out. But remember one important thing — just because something is in the canons doesn't mean it automatically applies to us. It's up to the bishop to decide which canons to apply with «ekonomia» and which with «akriveia», or, in English, 'leniency' and 'strictness'. It's the same with fasting rules and prayer rules — they are applied strictly or leniently or, most usually, somewhere in between.

"Ultimately, the goal is theosis — deification, or as it's commonly called, salvation. The bishop uses his spiritual discernment to decide how to apply the canons both individually and for the parish and, ultimately, the diocese. It's never about following the 'rules' because they are laws, but using them as guidelines to further your spiritual growth and to help you work out your salvation. Think of it this way — a hamburger on Great and Holy Friday won't send you to Hell; keeping the fast with monastic strictness and patting yourself on the back for doing so actually will."

"Pride?" Mikayla asked.

I nodded, "Exactly. That is the first and most dangerous of all sins."

"First?" Serafima asked.

"Lucifer," Elias quickly responded. "And it's basically what drove the Pharisees and Sadducees to reject Jesus' teaching. And why Peter swore he'd never deny Jesus."

"And an easy trap into which we can all fall if we think we're better than anyone else," I continued. "It's why in the prayer before we receive the Eucharist we each acknowledge we are chief among sinners. Macrina, do you understand why?"