Chapter 35: Tough Love

August 24, 1985, Rutherford, Ohio

When we arrived at my grandparents' house, we greeted everyone, but as breakfast wasn't quite ready, I took Liz aside.

"We stopped by the house because I wanted to thank Dad for coming to the 'White Coat' ceremony, but he didn't answer when I knocked, so Elizaveta suggested we drive by the apartment complex where Holly lives."

"Let me guess..." Liz replied with a frown.

"His car was there, and I'm sure it was his because of the county sticker and the yellow rotating safety light in the rear window. I guess I'm not surprised, given you told me that Emmy said Holly didn't seem receptive to her advice to stop."

"Think I would have listened in my similar circumstance?"

"Probably not. I'd ask you what it would have taken to get you to stop, but given you married Paul, I'm pretty sure I know the answer."

"What would happen at work if it becomes public?"

"Nothing good," I replied. "Mrs. Vogel has been there forever. Heck, she was there on Dad's first day of work twenty-five years ago, or however long it's been. Holly is her youngest kid, by the way. I think a lot of people would be very upset, and it would make Dad's job very difficult."

"I asked Emmy when Holly's birthday was. It's in May."

"The age of consent is sixteen," I replied.

"Sure, but I meant how Mrs. Vogel might react."

I nodded, "The same way Dad did when he found out Elizaveta was fifteen when we started seeing each other."

"Your concert last night was awesome, especially your duets! All my friends were creaming their panties!"

"I did NOT need to hear that!" I declared, shaking my head.

"I saw your wife had a death grip on your arm to ward off the groupies! And Dona was hanging on José the same way. I guess that was your drummer's girlfriend guarding him?"

"Yes. Kim, on the other hand, is blissfully single, so some lucky Freshman might have had a very good time last night."

"Back to our family situation, what do you think?"

"I think Mom has to ask Father Herman for a blessing to speak to the bishop about an ecclesiastical divorce. She already spoke to a divorce attorney, and given what I saw this morning..."

"Yeah," Liz sighed. "This sucks."

"And it is NOT your fault," I said firmly. "I think this goes all the way back to when they met, Dad's Calvinism, and the fact that Mom wasn't a virgin."

"Jesus, Mikey! What is it with him? Who cares if some other guy was with her before they met? She chose to marry him!"

"You and I both understand that; he doesn't. Heck, even Grandma and Grandpa understand it."

Liz smirked, "The old biddies at the church may have been a pain, but they know kids like to screw! That's why they try to match everyone up!"

"They were teenagers once, too," I chuckled.

"I can't even imagine Mom as a teenager, let alone Grandma!"

"Breakfast!" my grandfather called out.

"And yet, they both were! And so was Dad."

Liz shrugged and shook her head, and we went to the dining room to join my grandparents, my mom, and Elizaveta for breakfast. My grandfather asked me to give the blessing, which I did, and then we all served ourselves from common plates and bowls.

"Dad was at the 'White Coat' ceremony yesterday morning," I said. "I believe he snuck in just as it started and snuck out when it ended."

"Really?" Mom asked.

I nodded, "I saw him standing right by the door when I walked down from the stage, but he was gone when the ceremony ended. We stopped by the house on the way here because I wanted to thank him, but he didn't answer when I knocked on the door."

My grandfather glowered, "He's shacked up with that young girl. Has been for a week!"

Liz and I exchanged a quick glance, and both of us slightly shrugged our shoulders, conveying to each other that we hadn't said anything to him. He knew enough people that it wouldn't have surprised me if someone had told him, or perhaps he'd simply done the same thing I had — driven to the apartment complex and seen my dad's car in the lot.

"We'll stop by the house on the way home, too," I said. "If I don't see him, I'll try to call."

"Don't waste your time," my grandfather said, sounding very annoyed.

"I understand, «Дедушка» (dedushka)," I said in as loving a manner as I could, "but I need to make the effort." ("Grandpa")

He frowned, "That cassock forces your hand."

"And so does Christian love," I replied gently. "Not that I accept or condone or support what he's doing, but it is the Christian thing to do. You know me well enough to know I won't mince words with him once I thank him for coming to the ceremony."

"There is no excuse for this behavior!"

I looked to Liz and she met my gaze and gave a slight nod.

"No, there isn't. Adultery can never be ignored, nor can it be excused. But confessed and repented sin is, and ought to be, forgiven. That doesn't resolve the harm done to others, which is tremendous, and has likely destroyed several relationships and might possibly destroy more."

I saw Mom steal a look at Liz, who, to her credit, didn't react to my condemnation of the same kind of behavior in which Paul had engaged.

"I don't think you have a choice, Rachel," my grandmother added. "I don't think any of us here would advise you otherwise at this stage."

She was right. I didn't like it one bit, but I honestly didn't see that my mom had any real choices, especially given my discovery earlier in the morning.

"Mom, I think you have to talk to Father Herman," I said. "Ask for his blessing to approach Vladyka about an ecclesiastical divorce. I'm assuming you've decided to proceed based on what Grandpa said."

Mom nodded slowly, "As your grandmother said, I really don't have any other options."

"I know this isn't the right place to ask, but is there any chance you could reconcile?"

"Certainly not!" my grandfather interrupted.

"Dad," my mom said gently, "Deacon Michael has to ask that question. If you don't want to hear it, you should, perhaps, have refrained from putting your thumb on the scale with regard to his ordination!"

My grandfather made a face which told me that Mom had neatly boxed him into a corner of his own making.

"Mike," Mom said, "I haven't stopped loving your father, but it's not up to me."

I nodded, "I understand that; I'm simply asking if you could see it in your heart to reconcile, assuming he met whatever conditions you set, no matter how extreme?"

Mom was quiet for a moment, "I'm not sure how I could ever trust him again."

I nodded again, having a fairly good idea of what she meant, having experienced, by comparison, only a small taste of the failure of trust with Jocelyn.

"Then, as I said, I think you need to speak to Father Herman and then the bishop before you tell your attorney to file the papers. From all accounts, Vladyka wants to know before it happens."

"You don't think Father Herman told him?" Liz asked.

I shook my head, "No. Mom and Dad aren't clergy, and Mom spoke to Father Herman under the seal of confession, so he couldn't speak to Vladyka without her permission. As for Matushka, clergy wives do NOT gossip. If they did, their husbands wouldn't be clergy."

"So much for my tell-all book!" Elizaveta said mirthfully, causing everyone to laugh.

"'I Was A Teenage Matushka'," Liz giggled. "You'd sell tens of copies!"

Everyone laughed harder.

"I think you might find there are stories worthy of All My Children or General Hospital in the Church," Mom said.

"I do not even want to think about it," I replied. "I have enough on my plate as it is!"

"What are you going to do, Rachel?" my grandfather asked.

"Talk to Father Herman after Vespers tonight," she said with resignation.

"Good," my grandfather declared. "I'll call Jonathan tomorrow afternoon to let him know what has transpired with his son."

I truly wondered what Grandpa Loucks was thinking, especially given his division of the world into 'saved' and 'reprobate'. I strongly suspected that he placed the blame squarely on my dad's conversion to Orthodoxy, such as it was. Granted, I couldn't look into my dad's heart, but his words belied his actions, though I would never conclude, as his father had, that my dad was predestined to Hell. That was for God and God alone to decide, and I would pray for my dad with my dying breath.

Breakfast tasted wonderful, though my stomach was unsettled, making it less than enjoyable to eat, but I knew I needed the nourishment, and I also knew my grandmother would be offended if I didn't. When we finished breakfast, Elizaveta offered to help my grandmother clean up, and my grandfather and I took our teacups and went to his library to talk, leaving Liz with my mom.

"Your mother is going to stay with us until things are resolved with Peter," my grandfather said. "I advised her to demand the proceeds from the sale of the house or an equivalent payout in cash. I don't think Peter can afford the cash settlement. I wanted you to know because that was your home from the time you were born."

I nodded, "I understand. I don't like it, but there is nothing about this entire situation I like."

"Your mom is with people who love her, and she and Liz seem to have moved past whatever separated them in the past. You never did tell us."

"At this point, I don't think it matters. All I ever cared about was Liz reconciling with our parents. And given the current circumstances, I understand it's only with Mom."

"Mike, I know that cassock signifies certain obligations and duties, and I know you love your dad, but you can't let that interfere with the facts."

"I know, «Дедушка» (dedushka)," I sighed. "I know." ("Grandpa")

"I suspect you've heard of 'tough love'?"

I nodded, "During my Junior year of High School, we watched a movie called Scared Straight! and talked about it. They brought up the idea of 'tough love' in a family context. They cautioned us that there's a difference between 'authoritative' control and 'authoritarian' control."

"Don't be soft on your dad, Mike," my grandfather said firmly. "Even setting aside the sin aspect, he broke his oath, and no man is worth anything if his word is worth nothing. I heard you take an oath yesterday, and I'm sure you meant it. The same is true for your ordination, even if it wasn't spoken of as an oath, and true of your wedding commitment. You can never, ever break those and be a man worthy of respect."

I nodded, "I agree."

"Then make sure you, as the saying goes, hold your father's feet to the fire on that issue."

"Assuming he'll talk to me," I replied.

"You said he was at the medical school yesterday, so I think, ultimately, you might be the only one he'll talk to, though maybe not right away."

"He and I have been on the outs for years," I replied.

"And yet you and your beautiful young bride convinced him to attend your sister's wedding."

"That was Elizaveta's doing, more than mine."

My grandfather smiled, "Something she could only have done after you brought her to see him."

"I suppose so."

"There's no 'suppose' about it, Michael. When he does talk to you, lay down the law."

"Yes, «Дедушка» (dedushka)." ("Grandpa")

"And don't let my friend Timofei convince you otherwise!"

"Sorry," I chuckled, "but his orders trump yours. This cassock says so!"

"But it does NOT say you can't tell him what you think, does it?" my grandfather challenged.

"No, so long as it's done in love and obedience."

"Then don't be a wimp; I think that's the word you kids use."

"It is," I said. "I'll express my opinion firmly but with love and obedience."

"You and those qualifications!" he laughed. "But, I did it to myself, didn't I? I raised a faithful daughter who raised a faithful son."

"A son who you inveighed upon the bishop to ordain!"

My grandfather laughed, "I should say that I'd lost my mind when I did that, but I know that you know it's something I hoped would happen from the time you were born."

"I trust you to take good care of Mom, «Дедушка» (deduska)." ("Grandpa")

He smiled, "Of that, you can be assured. Shall we go see if the ladies have finished cleaning up?"

We left his library and spent some time with the others before Elizaveta and I said 'goodbye' and left so we could be home for a bit before our Saturday meal with my in-laws.

"Your grandfather is extremely angry," Elizaveta said as I turned onto Route 50 to head for West Monroe and my parents' house.

"With good reason, don't you think?"

"Of course, but he's always been a real sweetheart when I've been around."

I chuckled, "He, like all his friends, has a weakness for beautiful young women! But the difference is, he would never, ever act on that weakness."

"Because your grandmother would chop off his balls!"

"And feed them to him," I replied. "But it's not just that. He spoke to me many times about keeping our word and how important that is. He made the point that no man is worth anything if his word is worth nothing. Think about the reason Peter was so crushed after Jesus was arrested."

"He'd vowed never to betray Jesus in any way, and then did."

"Yes. And the lesson?"

"Anyone can be restored."

"Exactly. My grandfather is a bit too angry to see that now, but in time, I'll talk to him about it. Of course, if my dad continues on his same course of action, there is nothing to restore. His patron repented, and he needs to follow suit."

"What did your mom mean when she said that stuff about the parish?"

"I have no specific knowledge, but think about it — do you think Orthodox are less prone to sin than anyone else?"

"No, of course not."

"There's your answer. Think about it this way — we already know one member of Holy Transfiguration who is committing adultery with a girl less than half his age."

"Oh!" Elizaveta gasped. "I hadn't even thought about that. It's going to cause something of a scandal, isn't it?"

"I suspect so. I'm sure tongues are already wagging because Dad hasn't been to church for a few weeks."

"I realized when we were eating breakfast that my friends and I gossiped all the time."

"That comment wasn't meant to accuse you, Kitten. I was talking about Matushka Anastasia because she would be aware of everything."

"I didn't think you were," Elizaveta replied. "But it made me realize I need to be careful with my friends, both at church and at school."

"That's true."

"So what do I do when the others gossip?"

"At church, Matushka, you lay down the law and tell them quite directly to stop. At school, you discourage it and do your best to point out how it hurts people. Do it privately at first, but if they persist, then you'll have to say something to the group."

"What about, uhm, inappropriate conversations?"

I chuckled, "You, young lady, are now the font of all knowledge when it comes to sex, at least as far as High School girls are concerned! Just be VERY careful how you share that knowledge."

"You mean I shouldn't encourage them to find a guy who can fuck them the way you fuck me?" she giggled.

"That might be a bad idea," I chuckled. "And you seem to like that word!"

"I would NEVER use it in public, but I like being able to say it to you for some reason."

"Whatever word you choose, so long as you don't stop doing it!"

"Never!" she exclaimed. "But seriously, how much can I say?"

"I think you need to gauge the line between information and encouragement, and that's going to depend on each individual girl."

"May I ask an inappropriate question?"

"Kitten, you can ask me anything you want in private, no restrictions. If it's something I can't tell you because of patient confidentiality or the equivalent of the seal of confession, I'll tell you."

"What did you say to Mark about the issue? He and Alyssa are very obviously dying to fool around."

"I gave him my advice, based on the teaching of the Church. He did ask if it was as good as he thought it would be, and I said it was better!"

Elizaveta laughed, "No kidding! It was like nothing I even imagined. Well, forget our wedding night."

"Will you do something for me, please?"

"Anything!"

"I'd be careful saying 'anything' given you forbade me from even thinking about one thing we tried once!"

"I see how well you follow directions, too! You're thinking about it!"

"Only in the sense of being told not to think about it," I chuckled. "But, will you do something for me?"

"What?"

"Stop beating yourself up over our wedding night. We made love and slept in each other's arms. All things being equal, that is all that mattered."

"I love you, Mike."

"I love you, too."

I pulled past the driveway at my parents' house and backed in. I asked Elizaveta to wait in the car, then went to the door. I knocked, waited a minute, then knocked again. When there was no answer and no sound of movement inside, I turned and walked back to my Mustang and got in. I started the car, pulled out of the driveway, and headed for home.

"Do you think he's living with her?" Elizaveta asked.

"Given what my grandfather said, he might be," I replied. "But I wonder how Holly is hiding that from her mom."

"Maybe her mom never visits her apartment?"

"That's possible. I can't imagine Holly told her mom she was having an affair, not just with a married man, but one of the supervisors her mom works for."

"That would be kind of awkward."

"Indeed it would."

August 24, 1985, McKinley, Ohio

"I forgot to ask," Elizaveta said as we went into the main house for the midday meal with my in-laws, "but when are Jocelyn and Gene coming back?"

"Tomorrow afternoon. They asked Lara to buy their books for them, and they arranged for José to get their keys for their room in the married dorm, which he could do because he's an RA."