Chapter 11: Mike and Elizaveta's Excellent Adventure, Part IV, aka 'Mount Kitten'

June 12, 1985, Amsterdam, the Netherlands

"Does Father Nicholas know?" Elizaveta asked.

"Not the number, no; but he knows it's not just three or four. But even that obviously gave him heartburn, if you will."

"And he still told the bishop it's OK to ordain you?"

"Yes. Fundamentally, if I hadn't committed to being chaste at the point I did, he wouldn't have been able to recommend me for ordination, and I certainly wouldn't have been able, in good conscience, to ask your father's permission to see you."

"Did you really try to resist? Or did you just bed every willing girl?"

"Both," I sighed. "I struggled mightily, but every single time, I managed to find a reason to sin rather than to avoid sin."

"You know what they would call a girl who did that, right?"

"Yes, I do. But there shouldn't be a double standard."

"And how would you feel if I came to you with the same history?"

"Honestly? Probably the same way you do."

"What else do you have to tell me?"

"I wasn't even serially monogamous," I replied. "Most of the time, I had ongoing sexual relationships with multiple girls."

"And they put up with that?!"

"I'm not sure that's the right way to ask it," I replied gently. "I wasn't seeing anyone exclusively, so none of them had any claims. A secret I learned is that girls want to fool around as much as guys do, but social pressure, social stigma, or faith often keep them from doing it. Think about your friends and how they feel."

"You mean talking about sex?"

"Don't you think they're just as curious and interested as guys?"

"Is that a serious question?"

"It is. May I point out your desire to have sex every chance we have, to the point where the girls are teasing you about your new toy?!"

"But I'm married!"

"Yes, you are. And what did you ask me to do on your birthday?"

"We were betrothed!" she retorted.

"And you didn't, not even once, want to make love before your birthday?" I asked with an arched eyebrow.

"You know I did!" she huffed. "But that's different!"

"I wasn't trying to say that wanting to do it is the same as doing it, just that if you could have that desire, don't you think other girls might? And that they might not agree that they should wait until their wedding night?"

"I suppose so," she admitted. "Can I ask questions?"

"Except for names or anything that might reveal any confidences, which I absolutely have to keep."

"Is there a girl who was better?" she asked quietly.

"There is nobody I want to have sex with besides you, Kitten. Nobody."

"That's not what I asked."

"It's not really a fair question," I said. "Can you define 'better'?"

"Who, uhm, made you feel better?"

"It's not purely physical for you, is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you feel emotionally fulfilled when we make love?"

"Yes, of course!"

I smiled, "I'm glad to hear that, but do you think it's possible to have sex just for pure physical pleasure?"

"I guess so, sure."

"What about spiritual fulfillment?"

"From sex?"

"Doesn't it have a higher purpose? What does the Bible say?"

"You mean 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh'?"

"Yes. Marriage has a spiritual purpose. And do you remember the NEXT verse in Genesis?"

Elizaveta giggled, "'And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed'."

"What does that tell you?"

"That I shouldn't be ashamed to be naked in front of you or you in front of me because we're one flesh, and God approves of sex between a husband and wife."

"One last question from me before we return to yours — would you say we're of the same mind about our relationship and about the future?"

"Yes."

"So you and I share body, mind, heart, and soul. Only one other person has ever shared all four of those with me. Don't say the first name that pops into your mind, but think it through."

She was quiet for a minute, then nodded, "I was going to say Tasha, but it was Jocelyn, wasn't it?"

"Yes, it was Jocelyn. Can you work out what happened?"

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"How losing Jocelyn affected me and influenced what I did afterwards, even if I didn't necessarily understand it at the time. I spent four years looking for someone to whom I could give my body, mind, heart, and soul and who could give me their body, mind, heart, and soul. And here's the ultimate secret — when I found you, you won, and so did I. If anything, it was my game to lose."

"So the time in between was what? Looking for love in all the wrong places?"

I laughed, "Something like that."

"But Mike, twenty-two girls? Isn't that outrageous?"

"Yes. Remember, I agree with you that it was sinful and, yes, outrageous. I made peace with it."

"But do you regret it?"

"That's another difficult question. What I regret is that I disappointed you."

"And God?"

"Yes, but, to be honest, God isn't my immediate concern; you are. It really hurts to know that I've disappointed you and hurt you."

"May I say what just came to mind?"

"Sure."

"You should have considered what your future wife might think before you decided to bed all those girls."

"Yes, I should have, but I didn't. I'm sorry."

"And you think that makes up for all your inappropriate behavior?"

I shook my head, "No, it doesn't."

"May I just say what I'm thinking?"

"To me? In private? Always. What I said before was about in public or in private with others. You and I have to be completely open with each other. This conversation is a direct result of me not doing that for my own self-interest."

"Because you felt you needed to marry, and you were afraid how I'd react?"

"Honestly, that was a big part of it. Part of it was also the foolish idea that I could keep it from you. But all it's taken are a few clues here and there, and you've figured out that I had shaded the truth about the past. What did you want to say?"

"That the idea of having sex with that many people is disgusting! That you basically decided it was OK to fuck anyone you wanted and used girls like tissues! It was like a new girl every two months! That's just gross, Mike! And the girls? Why would so many girls just casually spread their legs for you? Did you simply look for easy girls? Girls who would sleep with anyone? Seriously, Mike! How could you have sex so casually with so many girls?!"

I took a deep breath, let it out, and waited to see if she had more to say. That gave me a bit of time to ponder what I should say and how I should say it. The truth was actually almost the opposite of what she assumed — with the exceptions of Melody, Milena, and Deb, none of the girls were even remotely promiscuous. Grace, Janey, and Sophia seemed to be more or less typical of what I knew about sexually active High School girls, and Dona had only had two lovers before me. All the rest, sixteen, in fact, had been virgins. Well, Clarissa had been, or not, depending on how one looked at it.

"If I may defend the young women in question, only a few of them were what I would call promiscuous, and those girls sought me out. And, to be honest, and not to cast any blame — with a few exceptions, the girls chased me, not the other way around. I'm not blaming them; as I said, I'm responsible for my own actions. But I didn't go looking for sex; in effect, it came looking for me."

"And you were more than willing to just stick your dick in any available pussy?" Elizaveta asked disgustedly.

"Believe it or not, I turned down a number of propositions for various reasons and resisted the heavy pressure from some girls for a time, a long time in some instances. I'm not making any excuses, just telling you how it developed."

"You realize that's even harder to believe? That so many girls who weren't what you call 'promiscuous' were willing to just let you? And what's promiscuous? Two? Five? Ten?"

"Two-thirds of the girls were virgins," I said evenly.

"What?!" Elizaveta screeched in outrage. "That's even WORSE!"

I wasn't surprised by that reaction, but I felt it was actually an easier path to follow than having Elizaveta think I'd slept with twenty 'slutty' girls. A few people who were walking by turned their heads, so I waited until they were out of earshot before I responded.

"Kitten, you know about Jocelyn and Tasha, and I'm sure you don't think they were promiscuous."

"No, but still!" she protested in exasperation. "I can understand Jocelyn because of how you felt about her and what you said before about body, mind, heart, and soul. And Tasha, well, I chalk that up to what you said about horny teenagers, even if I think she was foolish to do it once you decided you weren't going to marry..."

"It's not quite that simple," I interrupted. "But we can talk about that later. Sorry for interrupting; go on."

"As I said, I can totally understand Jocelyn and see how things with Tasha could develop, but fourteen other virgins? Seriously, Mike? What were you thinking?!"

"That it was up to the young women in question to decide if they wanted to be virgins for their future husbands, not me."

"I'm sorry, but that's a load of BS, and you know it! Talk about disrespect for the girls!"

"Do you think I stole something from them?" I asked.

She was quiet for a moment, "More like they stole it from their husbands, and you were like, uhm, an accessory to the crime."

I couldn't help but laugh, "Sorry for laughing, but that's just too funny. Don't you think it's rightfully their decision to whom to give their virginity? That they have that right, even if others might disagree?"

"I suppose; but why would you agree? Don't you think sex is special?"

We were treading on dangerous ground now, where the earth could give way under our feet at any moment, and the broken pieces might not be able to be reassembled.

"I think I'm in no position to say anything about that other than it's special with you."

"But how can it be?" she asked accusingly. "I'm the twenty-third girl in line!"

"Except it wasn't like that," I said gently. "What I pursued with you was special, and the results were special. YOU are special."

"Obviously not special enough," she said snidely.

"I can't go back and change what happened; all I can do is acknowledge my sin, confess, repent, and move forward."

"But do you really repent for what you did?"

I shrugged, "I don't even know how to begin to answer that except to say that I acknowledge my sin, and my sin is ever before me."

"David's Psalm we read at Vespers."

"One that speaks to me for very obvious reasons."

"David and Bathsheba?"

"Yes, though the circumstances are somewhat different, the end result is the same. I'm sure you have it memorized, but let me say it anyway."

"That's how I feel. Only God can know if that feeling is true repentance."

"And that's supposed to make me just accept that it happened, forget about it, and move on?"

I shrugged, "I don't know what else to tell you. OK to say what I'm feeling right now?"

"Yes, of course."

"I get the idea that you regret marrying me. Do you?"

Elizaveta was quiet for a few minutes before she spoke.

"What is it you said? There isn't a simple answer. It could be 'yes', 'no', or 'maybe'. But it doesn't matter, really."

"Sure it does," I replied.

She shook her head, "No, it doesn't, because we ARE married, and even if we didn't say the vows like the Roman Catholics, it's 'for better or worse'. You warned me about the 'worse' parts, or at least the ones about medical school and your Residency."

"This is worse than that."

"Yes," Elizaveta said firmly. "It is. But I've made my bed, and now I have to lie in it."

I felt as if every ounce of energy left my body in an instant, like the air in a balloon blown to the bursting point and then released.

"I'm sorry I misled you," I said weakly. "And I'm sorry to make you feel the way you do. If you want, I'll go to the bishop, confess everything, and plead with him to grant you an ecclesiastical divorce and have the wedding annulled."

"No!" Elizaveta said fiercely. "That is not what I want!"

"But you just said..."

"Stop, Mike!" she ordered. "Just stop! You told me to tell you how I felt, honestly, and I did. Did I ask for a divorce? No! I'm very upset, but I love you more than I'm upset! Why would I just walk away from the one thing I wanted my entire life? Do you think I'm a dumb little girl who would throw away her dream because of something that happened before she met the man she desired to marry? I'm not! I'm a grown woman, even if I'm only sixteen! I'll be Matushka Elizaveta in just over a month! And if you think I'm giving up on you, maybe YOU are the dumb one!"

"Me being dumb has never been a question," I sighed. "I'm sorry."

"For what? Saying what you thought and felt, even if it was stupid? I thought you said we were supposed to be completely open!"

"I did, but what you said..."

"Was that I'm in a situation which upsets me, and it's up to me to figure out how to move forward because that's what I want to do!"

"But it sounded like resignation," I protested.

"Remember what you asked about regret? And me saying 'yes', 'no', and 'maybe'? 'No' is way stronger than 'maybe', which is way stronger than 'yes'. I'm upset. I'm angry. I'm confused. And I love you."

"I love you, too, Kitten. So what do we do?"

"Ask me when I calm down," she said. "Right now, I feel like slapping you!"

"A few years ago, a girl told me about something called a 'flogger' — soft leather straps on a handle."

Elizaveta laughed softly, "Because Mike needs a spanking?"

"Supposedly, some people enjoy that."

"You know," Elizaveta said evilly, "that sounds like something every «бабушка» (babushka) should own!"

"Me and my big mouth," I groaned, but with a bit of mirth.

"I bet that shop next to the sex museum has one!" she teased. "And it's probably still open!"

"Suddenly, I'm very nervous! But would you go into a shop like that?"

Elizaveta giggled, "I could, but Matushka Elizaveta couldn't!"

"I'm probably going to regret asking this, but do you want to go there?"

"I have the impression from Abby and Clarissa that there is WAY more to sex than I know about."

"And I have the impression I may regret ever introducing you to them!"

"Now I really want to go!" she giggled.

"Then let's take a walk."

I took her hand, and we began walking towards the 'Red Light' district.

"Were you really worried I might want to leave you?" Elizaveta asked.

"That's why I offered to go to the bishop and confess," I replied.

"Which fits you to a 'T' — rather than try to protect your reputation, you'd protect me. As weird as it sounds, saying that shows me how much you love me."

"I'm glad you realize that."

"But Mike, how do I know you won't get bored with me?"

"Asks my sixteen-year-old wife, who just suggested going to a sex shop?!" I chuckled.

"I wasn't trying to be funny, Mike."

"I understand, but don't you think it's a bit ironic that you ask to go to a shop where they sell sex toys and then a minute later ask if I'll get bored with you?"

"OK, I get that, but it was a serious question."

"And I think you're misunderstanding my past. I didn't get 'bored' with girls and move on or go to new girls because I was bored with the girls I was sleeping with. Most of them were just casual, and many of them were very short term whether because of circumstances or because that's what THEY wanted. You remember what I said about Angie, right? That I offered a committed relationship with nothing more than 'good night' kisses, even if that was for four years, or more. I meant that, too."

"But if you could commit that way, then why not stop?"

"Because I didn't really want to. That is, in the end, what it comes down to. I could have been chaste or monogamous, but I chose not to. Now, I choose to. I can't even imagine being bored with sex, but if somehow I start to feel that way, I'm pretty sure we can talk about it and resolve the problem as we will any other problem we're going to have to address. And I'm going to go back to the beginning of the conversation and assert that sex with you is better than with anyone else, not just because of body, heart, mind, and soul, but because you're my wife, and having sex with my wife IS the best sex I can imagine."

"You really mean that?"

"Yes! A husband and wife having sex is a perfect union. Not to mention that you're VERY good at it!"