Chapter 9

Mary sat straight on her horse as all three of us rode back. Amelia was looking slightly enervated, Mary looked as if she was about to literally melt. Meanwhile, contrast them to moi. I was humming cheerfully and had the biggest, most shitting of all eating grins right on my face. Because I was full of delicious blood, smugly pleased with having escaped the vicious and evil chastity cage through the cleverness of ‘realizing it could be taken off at any time and boy, wasn’t my face red’ and the fox hunt had gone spectacularly.

Sure, we hadn’t actually caught the fox, but...

We emerged from the forest and into the bright, warm summer day to find that Lord Thompson had been the one to catch the fox, the holographic body laid across the back of his hunting horse with two big Xs over the eyes. He beamed at me, his liver spotted face filled with cheer and good humor. “Countess, it is a delight to finally one up you in this sport. Do you want to retire inside for some drink, maybe some cigars?”

“Uh, yes!” I said, nodding slightly. “Let me just, uh, freshen up.”

I slid off my horse and glanced around, looking for who would take the horse to the stable. Amelia, who was sliding off his horse too, frowned a bit. “Normally, a Smith would be around to deal with this,” she said, quietly. “I’ve been meaning to ask you this for some time, Countess, but ... it is a mite rude...” She trailed off, while I blushed.

“Uh ... b-before I, um, transitioned, I was kind of a terror...” I whispered, quietly. “A lot of my machines, uh, they chose ... other ... occupations...” I trailed off and Amelia nodded, subtly, looking at me out of the corner of her eye.

“I can handle it, miss!” Mary said, cheerfully, her cheeks still glowing red. But even as she reached out to take the reigns, it hit me that ... while we didn’t have a Smith, we did have Ra, and Ra had been handling all the mechanics stuff. And Jenny did the transport stuff. Kinda double duty. I frowned, ever so slightly, as Mary led the horses to the stables, surely about to plug them up ... and as I rubbed my chin, Amelia grinned.

“Penny for your thoughts?” he asked.

“Oh, just...” I paused, my brain whirrling and whizzing. Okay. I had to solve a few pressing problems, and I had to solve them all as quickly as possible, so I could get back to fucking Amelia. Cause, uh. Yes? I decided to handle the first, easiest problem first. “Okay, I have a weird, unrelated question: What’s the best book for, uh, finding the voltic equation?”

“That old chestnut? I find that Ørsted’s Principia Dynamica is the best place for foundational mathematics ... why?” Amelia asked.

“Oh, uh, reasons!” I said. “I have to freshen up! See you in the house, Captain!”

I hurried inside and found myself almost running over Jay Page. The shyest robot of my courtier, Jay kept their distance from me – which, like, fair, I could be pretty intimidating! I was basically a terrifying sex goddess vampire lady. Don’t laugh, it’s true! Jay blushed and bowed their entire body to me. “M ... Miss...” They stammered. “Uh, I ... Marceline is, ah, busy, uh, she ... there is a ... it is ... everything is fine.”

“Well, that’s good!” I said, cheerfully. “I’m just going to freshen up in my room.”

“W-Without your Mary?” Jay asked. “Where is she?”

“Uh, plugging in the horses!” I said.

“ ... right, of course she is,” Jay said, looking aside.

“Where is Ra and Marci and Jenny?” I asked.

“N-No where!” Jay said, their eyes widening as they sat straight upwards. “I ... I believe ... uh ... the ... uh...”

Marci and Ra entered the room at this time. Ra was looming with menace (like, if this was Jojo, she would be surrounded by those Menacing kanji. Oooooh. Menace) and Marci looked absolutely normal and as if nothing was strange or unusual going on, which meant that she was definitely up to something. I narrowed my eyes slowly as Jay practically collapsed with pure relief, stepping backwards to vanish behind the other machines. “Did you enjoy your foxhunt, young miss?”

“Yes!” I said, then narrowed my eyes slowly. “So ... how are ... you two? Having a nice, non-suspicious time?”

“Whatever are you talking about?” Marci asked as Ra chuckled, which provoked Marci into elbowing her gently.

“Oh, just, noticing that our perpetually short staffed staff is shorter by staff than staff, I mean, normal,” I said. “Where’s Jenny?”

“She’s indisposed,” Marci said, then huffed, quietly. “And young miss, you look a frightful mess. Mary, do see that she gets herself cleaned up so she may continue to entertain guests.”

“Yes, ma’am!” Mary said, then took my arms. Somehow, a girl without movable lips still managed to beam at me. “Come now, let us get you a warm bath...”

Mmm.

Pampering.

It was almost enough to make me completely forget that I had several problems to solve. Just luxuriating in the warm water, then having my hair brushed and my clothing pressed and cleaned and brought back to me all floofy and warm from the drying machine or whatever it was that they used around here. Just having a Mary made everything so much easier ... and it also made it super clear how all those old timey gentlemen managed to get so many things done. Like, it was cause they had all these invisible servants around them doing all the boring stuff. I reflected on that as Mary finished doing up my dress, then brushing my hair. “Very good, miss!” she said, happily, stepping backwards.

“You ... enjoyed doing all that, right?” I asked, biting my lower lip as I turned to face Mary. “Like, you actually, for really real liked it?”

Mary bobbed her head in an eager nod, her eyes shimmering faintly. “Oh ... I...” She stopped herself. “It is quite nice, miss.”

“You were about to gush.” I blushed. “Please. I need gushing. Like. Uh. I just need gushing right now.”

Mary trembled. Her fans whirred. “Oh my stars, I love it so much! There’s so many things to fold, and things to clean, and heat, and move, and scrub, and wash, and ... and ... it makes you so happy and that makes me so happy, and I get to keep doing it for as long as you’re alive, and then I can do it for someone else? And maybe, I’ll even get to do even more later?” She bounced and squealed. “Ahh! It’s so delightful! It is as if I was unboxed and ushered straight into heaven, you know?” She nodded and I smiled. “W-Why do you need gushing, miss?”

“Well ... in my world, people do this stuff cause, like, if they don’t, they’d starve,” I said.

“Well, that’ll never happen to me, because I don’t need to eat,” Mary said, and I laughed, then leaned against her, my eyes closing. For just a second, the tasks I had set for myself felt way, way, way too hard. But ... no. I could do a simple little book reading, dimensional traveling, and old fogey outwitting. I drew backwards and nodded a bit.

“All right,” I said. “Come on, Mary!” I spun, enjoying the way my skirts swished. “To the library!”

“Oh, uh, don’t you have to join the guests in the game room?” Mary asked. “They’ve all refreshed themselves as well and are waiting for you.”

I flushed. “ ... crap.”

Right.

I had to be a hostess. Dang it. Okay, so, maybe the book would ... wait! Idea!

I beamed as I swished along corridors and came to the game room. Lord Thompson and Sir Starfellow were both watching with wide eyes as Amelia leaned over and used his pool shooter pole to shoot some pool balls into holes in the edges of the table. Though, weirdly, all the balls were the same color, and when they clocked and clacked against one another, they sounded subtly different to my ears. Still, as several of the balls went down into the pockets, I was sure that Amelia had just done something really cool and rad. “Way to go, Captain!” I said, cheerfully as I bustled in. “Who is winning?”

“Thus far, the good Captain is roundly drumming us,” Starfellow said, his voice wheezy and his eyes flicking to Amelia, who had slung the pool cue over her shoulders and hooked her arms over it in the sexiest, gayest way you can imagine.

“Oh, I’ve just more practice at the figuring,” he said, tossing his head, his afro floofing cutely.

“Well, uh, I was thinking, once Amelia is done beating your butts, maybe we could retire to the library? There’s a very nice table for some...” I paused. What was the game called again? King? No. Bridge! “Bridge!” I nodded. “And I really do like the fireplace there.”

“Capital!” Starfellow said, which was a thing people actually said in real life apparently?

I perched myself on a nearby chair and watched as Amelia soundly kicked their butts, his grin making me feel deep, squirmy thoughts. Then the entire group of us headed for the library, while Mary bustled too and from the kitchen, bringing us snacks and little drinks (though, sadly, they were all sans fruity umbrellas.) Once there, I sat down at the bridge table and shuffled up the deck, then played out the cards to Amelia, and the two Old Fogeys. As I did so, I took a few sneak peaks at the many, many, many books ... and there it was!

Ørsted’s Principia Dynamica!

It was green and the size of a phone book and his name had a FREAKING SLASH THROUGH THE O!? And it was an O? I thought that Amelia had been saying Urrrrrr-Stead. Like Dagoth-Ur? Was that even English? Or was that some kind of weird non-English name? Ugh.

So, as the others looked at their hands, I reached subtly out and almost got the book. My finger played along the upper edge and Mary, seeing this, hurried forward. She tugged the book free and set it into my lap, moments before Thompson looked up and smiled. “[Bridge Bridge Bridge Bridge.]” he said, then laid out his cards.

That’s how the words ... translated in my brain.

Because I was beginning to realize that I had no idea how to play bridge.

Amelia nodded. “[Bridge],” he said. “[Bridge Bridge, Bridge?]” He looked at me, arching an eyebrow.

I flushed, then looked at my cards. Now, if I had three lands and a Black Lotus, I’d know a wombo combo that could drop Lord Thompson to zero health before he had a chance to mulligan his hand. But sadly, this was bridge and not Magic the Gathering, so I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I looked down at my hand, and then up, at everyone who was all looking at me. “Well, you know, uh, this actually reminds me of a really funny story I heard once,” I said, the back of my neck sweating. “Do you know, uh...” I blinked as Mary stepped behind Lord Thompson to pour some fresh tea into his cup.

Then her eyes flashed out words, scrolling them across her glass lenses: CHOOSE A TRUMP.

“ ... Banon?” I asked.

“Banon?” Starfellow asked.

I blushed as Mary blinked at me, then quickly scrolled across the words: SPADES!

“ ... Spades ... Trump ... the ... the trump ... cards are ... going to be ... spades?” I said.

“Capital!” Starfellow said, nodding.

“I’m glad to see you finally learned how to play bridge whist,” Thompson said. “You always said it was boring.”

“ ... actually!” I said, relief exploding through me. Oh, fhew. Me not knowing what I was doing wouldn’t give things away. Thank god. “I ... am still trying to get my handle on it, uh, do you mind ... walking me through some of the steps?” I asked, blushing slightly.

“Was your amusing story that you had no idea what you were doing?” Amelia murmured to me.

“Yes sir,” I said, quietly.

After bridge some bridging, Amelia had won by bridge bridge the bridge in bridge, with a bridge by bridge, and finally, took the bridge, with a fancy bridge.

(I still had no idea how to play any of this)

We were all enjoying the fact that Amelia, being the sexiest and prettiest man at the table (despite being a cis woman, fuck you, gender is complicated) and the two older gentlemen were taking out their cigars, and I figured now was a time to quietly call the evening to an end. After all, the bridge had taken a whole bridge and the sunlight outside the window was beginning to be shaded to red by the automated lenses that capped over the mirror reflectors to indicate evening was coming. So, I smiled, and politely said: “Aight! Party over, later gators!”

They all looked at me. Mary shot me a look.

“I mean, ah, it has been dreadfully pleasant,” I said, blushing as Mary’s look grew more intent. I nodded. “But, uh, I’m sure you all have ... to ... I cannot keep you all evening, after all.” I nodded and stood, and Lord Thompson nodded.

“Indeed!”

I walked them all to the front door. The two older men kissed my knuckles, which I tried to bear, and then Amelia took my hand in his. His eyes met mine and he leaned forward and his dark black lips pressed to my knuckles and I felt the warmth radiating along my arm to my elbow to my shoulder to my heart. My lungs tightened and he grinned up at him, with the impish confidence of a ... a ... space pirate. Then he was off, swishing his jacket over his elegant shoulders, his tight rump filling out his naval uniform leggings like ... like ... girl ... butt. I was in a giddy daze for what had to be only zero seconds before Mary, bumped my hip with hers, her eyes sparkling.

“Soooo ... that went well. Considering,” she said, her voice cheeky. “You know.”

“I ... have no idea what you might be implying,” I said, trying to sound haught as I could tee. “Now! They’re gone, I can finally send this cross dimensional message.” I beamed, rummaging in my dresses many concealed pockets. Mary’s holographic eyes blinked and she looked as if she had never quite imagined she would hear those specific words in those specific patterns. She was so taken aback that I had already found the curio before she finally said.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Oh, didn’t Marci tell you?” I asked.

“She mentioned, ah, the old master and ... there was a secret to be kept,” Mary admitted. “But everything has moved on, and I had so many tasks and-”

“Don’t cha worry, I got the simple story,” I said, nodding. “So, Lord Albert Fitzwhatever Flibberdygibbits found this doohciky-” I held up the curio, waggling it before Mary’s delicate, faintly suggested nose. Her metal snoot, if you would. “-and when he figured out how to turn it on, bzam! It zip zop zapped his brain into my body and my brain into his. I’m from another dimension. So, since Lord Al was a big dingus, Marci decided to keep me instead of him and smashed the curio. But the curio makes copies of itself, and there’s one on the other end, and Al sent a new copy back here to yell at me cause he’s stuck flipping McBurgers for the precursors to Immortan Joe and his warboys and he’s all whiny about it.”

Mary blinked slowly. “I ... see.”

I nodded. “Now! I’m going to send the voltaic equation to his rumpus so he can stop bugging me.” I turned and hurried up the stairs.

Mary edged slowly to the left. Then she scampered off.

I’m pretty sure that if this was a movie, we’d smash cut to a tired, irritated looking Marci saying: Yes. It’s all true.

Instead, I got to spend five minutes poking at the curio, grumbling under my breath as I prodded and fiddled and even maybe bit on it a little bit to see if I could figure out how to get the stupid thing to freaking open. I was sitting in the library, with the book that I was supposed to ... I dunno, chuck through the curio? I was still not super clear on what I was going to do with it ... but everything was being stymied considering how rude the orb was being. I sighed, then looked at the orb, tossing it from hand to hand, thinking as it slapped against my palm.

Think think think, I thought. Wait! I just I just figured-

The orb opened up with a hissing click and I screamed and dropped it.

The orb sat on the rich red carpet and Al’s voice came from it. “Please don’t tell me you just dropped the curio...”

“No, you dropped it.” I grabbed the orb, yanking it up and glaring into the glowing surface of it. It seemed like every time it turned on, it was subtly different – different colors, different configurations. It was even warmer than last time. “So, I got your dumb voltaic equation, thank you very much.”