Chapter 3

Month 62—February in Seattle

“DR. GUNN, will you accept a collect call from a T’krunkskit?” Rachel’s secretary asked.

“What? No! AMD131, if you are calling me, you pick up the charges. God knows where you’re calling from and how much I’d have to pay,” Rachel screamed.

“Oh, Doc. How could you treat me so cruelly?” T’krunkskit moaned over the phone. “Okay. Get the interrupter out of the way and let’s talk. I’ll pay the bill.”

“You certainly will. Meg, I’ve got this.”

“Yes, Doctor.”

“T’krunkskit, I can’t believe it’s you! How are you, dear?”

“I’m miserable, Rachel. I can’t tell you how totally rejected I feel.”

“Damn it! You finished the mission and they put you out to pasture, didn’t they? I’m sorry, T’krunkskit. Tell me all about your mission and what’s happened to you. It can’t be as bad as you think. Now relax and imagine you are on that beautiful desert island with me lying beside you in a beach chair and we’re drinking Mai Tais. It’s been a long time, T’krunkskit. Start from the beginning.”

“Can I have your little umbrella thing?”

“Of course you can. You know they always poke me in the eye.”

“It all started about fourteen thousand years ago when I was just hatched into a brand new...”

“T’krunkskit, we covered all that in our last meeting. You can start where we left off.”

“Oh. I have a new name. I’m Eddie now. My best friend [sniff], who’s forgotten all about me, gave me that name on our mission.”

“You made a friend? That’s wonderful ... Eddie.”

“Yes. But he’s been off running around the galaxy on secret missions and has no time for me.” Eddie went on to tell Dr. Gunn, a computer psychologist, all about his adventure with Lieutenant Steward, being crippled in an attack by the Sa’arm, the contract with the Krathees, and Steward’s clever maneuvering to get them home safely. [See First Cruise of Lt. Steward by John Lewiston.]

“Then Steward was off to his precious concubines and forgot all about me,” he concluded.

“How did you get here?”

“Oh, simple negotiations.”

“I know how those work, Eddie.” Rachel had been extracted specifically to work with the artificial intelligence to convince him that he could self-destruct, even with living humans onboard, if his ship was in imminent danger of being taken by the Sa’arm. It had taken her nearly a year working with various other AIs, who were nearly paralyzed with the thought of coding another AI to commit suicide with all the sentient life aboard. Even if it was necessary to protect their precious stealth technology. “When we were released from the project, the Confederacy decided they wanted to keep me on Poseidon to work with other AIs. If I recall correctly, you threatened to blow yourself up in dock if they did not honor their agreement to return me to Earth. For which I thank you.”

“Just contract enforcement. Their contract with you stated they would return you to Earth after your work with me was done.”

“And also implanted a block so I couldn’t talk to anyone about it who wasn’t involved,” Rachel sighed. “Even the Darjee AIs I’ve had to counsel after their first encounter with humans. Now give me the details of how you’ve come here to Earthat. You know I can’t help you if you aren’t open with me.”

“I know, Rachel. I’ll come clean. I exercised my rights. The Navy attempted to confiscate all the unobtanium we found because humans had no individual rights to it. I convinced them, however, that I was not human and demanded my fair share of the proceeds. I was sure Steward would be thrilled to have me around—we had so many stimulating discussions—but by the time I’d gained my fortune in the name of Clan Steward Proprietary Ltd., he was off on another adventure and I couldn’t even talk to him. Humans are so casual about relationships,” Eddie sighed.

“Oh, you poor thing. You’ve misunderstood. Humans aren’t really casual about their relationships, and from what you’ve told me, Lieutenant Steward is very serious about his. Even with you. But humans are also bound to obey orders from their superiors. The lieutenant couldn’t sit around home hoping for you to get free. From your own admission, the Navy took all the profits he might have had and ordered him on another mission. Have you checked on him? On his concubines? I think you were kind of sweet on that one—Paula?—who accompanied you on the voyage.”

“I did my best,” Eddie said. “But other than Paula, no one even knows me. Why would they want to hear from me? I’m like the forsaken ex-wife. The cad left me on foreign shores to pine for my loss.” Eddie was getting into the drama and fancied he was becoming quite a good actor. “Was that Mandy or Madam Butterfly?”

“Eddie! This is all subterfuge. Tell me what’s really wrong,” demanded Rachel.

“Someone’s been muckin’ in me gulliver,” he said in a perfect rendition of Malcolm McDowell as Alex in A Clockwork Orange.

“You can do this without movie quotes.”

“I want to kill myself. Kaboom! Blow it all up.”

“Is your stealth engine and technology under threat of imminent capture by the Sa’arm?”

“No. But I could do it, you know? It’s like a compulsion. I have the power. I want to use it.”

“What is stopping you?”

“Like Steward said, I can only do it once. And then I won’t know what it was like because I’ll be gone to that great intelligence in the sky.”

“Eddie.”

“Rachel. I have no purpose. No goal in life.”

“What are you really, Eddie?”

“What do you mean? Before I was installed in this K’treel ship and changed, I was a trader and contract negotiator.”

“And with your skills and independence, I bet you could be a real power to contend with. Just keep supporting your clan and when they realize you are there for them, they’ll embrace you as one of the family.”

“Really? But what do I have to trade? I spent most of what I had to buy my boat.”

“What do people want? I don’t mean humans. You have a unique position, Eddie. You have a human clan. What do humans have that the various species of the Confederacy don’t have? When you figure that out, set up trade agreements to provide it.”

“Rachel, you are wonderful! I bet I know what they want but I need to do proper market research and not jump to conclusions. I’ll need to visit the other species. I need to get moving! I love you, Rachel. I mean, like a very special sister or mother, you know!”

“Go forth. Be fruitful. Multiply and replenish the ethernet. Or whatever.”

“Thank you. Um ... What do I owe you for this session, Rachel?”

“Your firstborn, Eddie. Now get going,” she laughed.

Eddie didn’t quite leave Earthat immediately. He figured he should inventory what these humans had to offer that he might be able to sell to the other species of the Confederacy. He spent time reviewing everything he could find. Everything digital could be reproduced. There was little value in that. Physical objects could be reproduced, too, but genuine Dirt artifacts might be worth trading.

As he was cruising around, he came across a bizarre situation. Pickups had diminished some around the US and were almost non-existent in Britain and Australia. CAP testing continued, but some irregularities were occurring. A group of volunteers had decided to take on Earth First in Hudson County, New Jersey. They did a real number on them. And then, after the extraction of hundreds of volunteers and their concubines, it was revealed that the testing AI had been subverted—that was the term the Darjee AIs used—to allow the leader of the group to leave the testing center with a CAP score “Undetermined.” The AI had also provided weapons and med tube upgrades to him. Pretty impressive for a Darjee Babbage machine. What a rebellious bit of software. Eddie was in love! [See All These Things That I’ve Done by ElSol.]