Chapter 23

The rest of that Sunday, Erin did her best to keep me occupied. She knew I was depressed, and I appreciated her company. I don’t know if Mom had asked her to keep an eye on me, or she’d thought of it on her own, but I was silently thankful that she did.

When we went down to the lake, we found Kendall in a lounge chair, reading a book.

I unceremoniously flopped down next to her, and she closed her book, keeping her place with her finger. She looked at me and smiled. I tried to smile in return, but the best I could muster was probably not very good, judging by her sympathetic expression.

“Is she... ?” she asked.

I nodded morosely.

“Are you okay?” She shifted the book and put her right hand on my arm.

Her touch was warm and reassuring, and scared me. Gina had only been gone less than twenty minutes, and having Kendall touch me somehow felt like cheating. Kendall sensed my tension and pulled back.

“I’m sorry, Paul.”

I could hear the hurt in her voice. “It’s okay, Kendall,” I apologized, making eye contact with her. “I know you mean well. I guess I’m just a little jumpy is all.”

She tactfully accepted my explanation.

“Paul?” Erin said softly.

I had completely forgotten about her, and I suddenly felt guilty. She was being so nice to me, and I repaid her by ignoring her. I turned to look at her, sitting on the lounge chair to my right, and smiled sheepishly.

Her eyes silently pleaded with me. For a moment, I was confused. Then, I remembered.

“Hey, Kendall,” I said, turning away from Erin and leaning close to the older girl. I was glad to have something besides Gina to think about.

She leaned toward me as well, turning her head so my face was only inches from her ear.

“Erin and I were gonna hang out together this afternoon, and we thought that maybe Drew would like to hang out too. Would that be cool?”

Kendall grinned broadly and leaned forward, looking past me at Erin. Seeing my sister’s open and eager face, Kendall nodded. Erin’s elation was almost palpable.

“I’ll be right back,” Kendall said. She took a red ribbon and marked her place in the book and then set it on the lounger as she stood.

After she’d gone, Erin beamed at me, and silently mouthed, “Thank you.”

I smiled and nodded.

Kendall returned about ten minutes later, accompanied by her brother. His eyes lit up when he saw Erin and he quickly seated himself next to her. Kendall slid gracefully into her lounge chair and smiled at me.

“Here,” she said, handing me a book.

“What’s this?”

She looked at me like I was a little boy.

I nodded sheepishly and looked at the cover of the book, The Collected Stories of Eudora Welty. Then it hit me. This was the book she’d been reading the day before. I looked at her questioningly.

“It seemed like you might’ve wanted to read that,” she said.

I recalled that I had indeed meant to ask her about the book, but I hadn’t actually done it. I was once again startled by her insight. “Thanks.”

She picked up her own book and smiled again.

“What’re you reading?” I asked.

“Truman Capote. He’s another Southern author. When you get finished with Eudora Welty, you can see if you like him.”

She smiled and I realized how incredibly beautiful she was. And how incredibly lonely I was. I hastily opened the book I held and studiously buried my nose, trying to get images of Kendall out of my mind.

Eventually, it worked. Mostly.

Over the next couple of days, I gradually worked my way out of my funk. As the sharp edges of the memory of saying goodbye slowly wore off, my spirits returned to something approaching normal. Mom and Dad were very good about it, and even Erin was nice to me. I talked to Susan several times, including a few times when we were alone, but she sensed that I didn’t want to do anything more than talk, and never pressed the issue.

The Tuesday after Gina’s family left, Susan, clad in her usual bikini bottoms, had breakfast with us. She and Mom talked as they fixed cheese omelets and toast—enough for all five of us. After breakfast, Mom asked me to stick around for a few minutes. Susan smiled and took her leave, and Dad and Erin headed down to the lake.

“Your dad’s taking the car tomorrow,” she said as we cleaned up the breakfast dishes. He had another trip to fly, but would only be gone a week this time. “I wanted to get some grocery shopping done before he does. Why don’t you come with me?”

I didn’t want to, and she could tell. I wanted to mope. I shook my head.

“I think you should,” she said, insisting. “It’ll be good for you to get out.”

I quickly sensed that I wasn’t going to get out of going to town simply by being moody. Resignedly, I nodded.

Mom told Dad that I was going with her, and we went up to the cabin to get dressed. On the drive to town, talking about inconsequential things, Mom eventually drew me out of my shell. We talked about everything from Gina and Kendall, to why Erin and I were getting along so well, to our plans for after the summer.

By the time we pulled into the Winn-Dixie parking lot, I was feeling much better. I quickly realized that that was her intention all along, and grinned thankfully at her. With a smile and wink, she got out of the car. I followed suit, and we walked toward the store.

I thought about the last time I had actually been in the grocery store, and with a blush, I realized I was getting hard thinking about it. I seriously doubted that this trip would be so ... revealing.

Inside, Stacy and another cashier were each helping older women. Stacy looked up idly as we walked in, then obliviously looked back down to what she was ringing up. With a startled expression, she looked back up. I waved quickly and she waved back, blushing. The woman she was helping said something, and Stacy quickly returned her attention to her job.

I was dying to talk to Stacy, but I couldn’t come up with any excuse that didn’t sound lame. So I dutifully shopped with Mom, distractedly making small talk as we pushed our cart up and down the aisles, slowly filling it with groceries.

When we reached the last aisle, Mom led the way toward the checkout stands. She was headed for the other girl’s line and my heart began to beat faster.

“Mom, how about the other line?” I asked tentatively.

She looked at it critically. Both lines had two older women in them. The woman last in line at Stacy’s stand had more groceries, and Mom looked skeptical.

“I think the other line’s moving faster,” I said hopefully.

Mom watched for a moment and nodded judiciously. With a palpable sense of relief, I wheeled our cart into Stacy’s line. Upon seeing us, Stacy smiled, and sped up. She had the two women in front of us checked out in no time.

“Hi,” Stacy said cheerfully as we pulled up next to her cash register.

“Hello,” Mom said.

“Hi,” I said, a goofy smile on my face.

Stacy blushed and Mom looked at me.

“Do you two know each other?”

I nodded. “Mom, this is Stacy. Stacy, this is my mom, Beth.”

“Nice to meet you, Stacy,” Mom said.

“Nice to meet you too, Beth.”

“Stacy is the girl who had car trouble. The one Susan and I helped,” I volunteered helpfully.

“Ahhhh, I see,” Mom said. Then she turned to Stacy. “I’m glad Paul and Susan came along when they did, then.”

Stacy blushed crimson and nodded. She slowed her pace ringing up our groceries, as there was no one behind us in line. And, I hoped, she wanted to talk to me as much as she could. Not that we were actually talking, but the possibility existed, and I was excited.

When the end was in sight, Stacy started idly chatting with me, never missing an item.

“I called that number Susan gave me,” she said.

Mom looked at me speculatively.

“Oh?” I asked noncommittally.

“Yeah,” Stacy said. “I had an interview a week ago yesterday.”

“How’d it go?”

“I got the job.”

“Stacy, that’s great! Congratulations,” I said.

She stopped ringing items and looked at me, her eyes momentarily misting over. “You’ll have to thank Susan for me,” she said, her voice suddenly thick with emotion.

I nodded soberly. She smiled at me and returned her attention to the cash register.

Mom asked what we were talking about, and I quickly explained about the job with Susan’s accountant, leaving out a few crucial details from the day in question.

“When did you all see Stacy?” Mom asked, her expression unreadable.

“Uh,” I said, stalling and thinking furiously. “I saw Stacy at the movies that day, and we gave her a ride home.” I thought it was brilliant.

“Oh, that’s right. You went to the movies. You never told me what you saw,” Mom said.

Stacy and I shared a look of mutual panic.

“Star Wars,” I said quickly.

“Smoky and the Bandit,” Stacy answered at the same time.

We looked at each other, startled, and my panic ratcheted up a few notches.

“It was a double feature,” Stacy said calmly.

“Oh,” Mom said, her expression once again unreadable.

Had we gotten away with it? Did she suspect? My heart was thudding like a trip-hammer.

“When do you start?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

“Monday,” Stacy said. “I gave the store manager my two-week notice the same day. I was gonna be off this Friday anyway, to pick up my car, so Thursday’s my last day.”

“You’re getting your car fixed?” I asked.

She nodded. “I’ve worked every day—a double shift most of ‘em—since my interview, just to save up enough to get it fixed.” She laughed, a short bark of derisive laughter. “And you know what?”

“What?”

“Getting my car fixed is not gonna cost as much as I thought.”

“Really?”

She nodded. “Yep. Turns out the only thing wrong with it was the starter solenoid. The garage even towed it for free, since they were gonna fix it. So I’ve got a little extra money,” she said slyly.

Mom raised her eyebrows and Stacy quickly resumed her neutral expression.

“So I think I’m gonna pick up my car on Friday, and just come on out. Susan said to call her for directions.”

Mom looked at me, her eyebrows arching questioningly.

“Um ... Susan ... um ... Susan invited Stacy to come out and visit for the weekend,” I said lamely.

By now, Stacy had finished ringing up our groceries. As Mom looked at her, she nodded without hesitation.

“Oh yes,” Mom said. “Susan mentioned that to me this morning.”

I stared at Mom in unconcealed shock. She merely smiled blandly. With a grin, Stacy moved to the end of the checkout stand to bag our groceries. Mom took out her wallet and pulled out bills, then started plucking change from an inside pocket. She paid Stacy and then turned to me.

“I’m going to go get the car and pull it in front of the store. C’mon out in a minute,” she said nonchalantly.

My mouth hung open as she turned and strode purposefully out the front door. When we went shopping at home, we’d always wheel the cart out to the car. I couldn’t remember a time, except when it was raining, when she’d pulled the car to the front of the store. But it wasn’t raining outside, it was normal late-July South Carolina weather. Mom was Up To Something.

“I can’t wait to see you Friday,” Stacy said, pitching her voice low. “I have a surprise for you.”

I began to panic. How would I tell Stacy about Gina? She already knew I liked Gina, but it somehow felt wrong to have sex with Stacy when Gina was supposed to be my girlfriend. Was my girlfriend. No supposed to be about it.

The only problem was, I really wanted to have sex with Stacy. In the worst way. Since Gina had left, I’d dutifully kept myself away from temptation, despite a few subtle offers from Susan. With Stacy coming to camp, I didn’t know how I was going to resist. And worse, I didn’t know if I wanted to. I did, but I didn’t.

It was all so confusing.

“Paul?” Stacy asked, drawing me back from my introspection.

“Hmm?”

She could tell I was lost in thought, and I silently thanked her for not making more of it. “Your mom just pulled up outside.”

“Oh?” I said absently.

She nodded gravely. “You’ve got to go.”

Finally, I focused on her face. In my head, I replayed what she’d said, then spun around quickly. Sure enough, Mom was sitting in the idling car, just outside the front doors of the store. I noticed with a blush that she was tactfully not looking our direction.

Stacy noticed too. When I turned back around, she gave a quick look around the store to make sure no one was looking at us, and leaned forward. Her lips brushed against mine and I suddenly yearned for more. I wanted to hold her against me and kiss her. Really kiss her. But, I thought to myself, that would be wrong. Wouldn’t it?

“C’mon,” she said cheerfully, seeing no one in her line. “I’ll help you with the cart.”

I nodded dumbly and she grinned at me, blushing. I felt the lump in my shorts, caused by my sudden erection, and blushed as well. Treacherous organ!

With her help, I began to load the groceries into the back of the car. During the mindless activity, I had hoped my erection would subside. With Stacy so close, however, I could feel the whisper of air as she moved next to me. We accidentally touched, reaching for the same bag, and I felt a jolt of electricity at the contact. When we finished, I was still very stiff.

Stacy noticed, and smiled knowingly. I wanted her so badly. And I desperately wished that I didn’t.

“It was a pleasure to meet you, Beth,” Stacy said, leaning down and speaking through the still-open tailgate. “I’m looking forward to this weekend.”

“A pleasure meeting you as well,” Mom said graciously. “I’m looking forward to seeing more of you.”

Stacy blushed furiously. Mom smiled and then burst out laughing. Her laughter quickly infected Stacy, and she began giggling as well.

How could they be laughing at a time like this? How?

Stacy stood, and upon seeing my stricken expression, smiled mischievously. Pushing the cart out of the way, she raised up on tiptoe and kissed my cheek. Then she pressed her face against my own, her soft, smooth flesh making me swell uncomfortably.

“I can’t wait to see you,” she whispered, her lips almost brushing my ear. To my horror, she then surreptitiously rubbed her fingers along the line of my erection.

She giggled again, musically, and began to wheel the cart into the store without a backward glance. I swallowed hard. Moving like an automaton, I closed the tailgate and walked around to the passenger door, oblivious to my tented shorts. I got in the car, shut the door with a solid thunk, and wondered what I’d done to deserve being in such a predicament.

Mom chuckled richly, much to my consternation and disbelief, and put the car in gear, smoothly pulling out of the parking lot.

While we were driving out of town, Mom left me to my thoughts. I was suddenly embarrassed that I had an erection in front of her, after all that had happened between us.

I was daydreaming about Stacy, and trying to will myself to stop. I wanted to think about Gina, but I couldn’t. In my mind, I excoriated myself. I shouldn’t be having thoughts of another girl. I shouldn’t!

Yet I couldn’t help it.

“You want to talk about what’s the matter?” Mom asked softly.

I felt hot tears sting my eyes and shook my head tersely.

“Sure?”

I turned away from her and stared out the window. I nodded once, angrily.

“What you’re feeling is okay, Paul.”

How would she know what I was feeling? I tried to ignore her, turning my body away from her and balling my fist under my chin, watching the landscape pass.

Thankfully, she let it drop.

The rest of the drive was quiet. She left me alone with my thoughts. Unfortunately, they ran the gamut from elation to shame. It hadn’t been two full days since Gina and her family had left, and I was already thinking about having sex with Stacy. What kind of boyfriend was I? A bad one, I thought.

When we pulled up to the padlocked gate, Mom stopped the car and turned off the engine. It pinged as it cooled and I could hear the slight breeze through the trees. I looked at her, confused, as she turned to face me.

She paused for a moment to gather her thoughts, and I began to panic. Was she mad at me for not talking to her? Did she see Stacy kiss me? Did she know about Stacy? What would she do if she did? With a monumental act of will, I suppressed my rising panic. I was still on edge, but I’d stopped asking myself questions I couldn’t answer.

“I guess we should’ve had this conversation sooner,” Mom said quietly, “but I just didn’t know how.” She looked at me earnestly, and I began to regret getting angry with her earlier. “I do know what you’re going through.”

“Yeah?” I said defiantly, petulantly. I immediately regretted it.

Her face softened and her expression turned wistful. “Yes,” she said in a sad voice. “I do. And I want to help.”

I didn’t have the courage to apologize.

She could see it in my eyes, though. She nodded. “I like Stacy,” she said suddenly.

The non sequitur completely put me off. What was she talking about?

“She seems like a nice girl.”

“She’s hardly a girl,” I said, almost hotly.

Mom shook her head quickly. “You’re right. And you’re hardly a boy.”

My brow creased in confusion.

She smiled again, gently, and smoothed her skirt, drying her hands. “Paul ... It’s okay to have ... urges.” She stopped abruptly and shook her head. “I’ve turned into my mother,” she said to herself in disbelief. “And now I’m having the ‘urges’ conversation.” She looked at me again and grinned wryly. “I promised myself, a long time ago, that I’d never talk to you like my mom talked to me, and here I am doing it.”

She laughed ruefully. Then she looked at me, her expression serious. “Paul, it’s okay to want to have sex with Stacy.”

I would’ve looked less shocked if she’d poleaxed me. I felt the heat rising in my face, my ears burning.

“What do you mean?” I asked, trying to feign innocence.

She looked at me skeptically.

I desperately wanted to change the subject, but had no idea how. Finally, I decided that she probably wouldn’t let me, even if I could think of a way. My innocent façade crumbled.

“That’s better,” she said.

“You know about Stacy?” I asked, incredulous.

“Yes,” she said simply. “And I think she’s good for you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, suspicion coloring my tone.

“I mean, I think she’s good for you.”

I felt my eyes narrow, seemingly of their own accord.

“It’s okay to want to have sex with Stacy. Or Susan.”

I looked at her, dubious.

“Paul, sex is a natural thing. And wanting to have sex is not something you can turn off simply because your girlfriend is gone for a year.”

Thanks for reminding me, I thought sullenly.

“What I mean is,” she said quickly, “that it’s natural to want to have sex. And that sex is not love. Love is not sex.”

“Huh?”

“Sex is not the same as love. And love isn’t the same as sex.”

I rolled my eyes at her. I got that part. Now what was she talking about?

“You love me, and I love you. But we can’t have sex. Right?”

I rolled my eyes again, sarcastically. She’d made that abundantly clear. And even though I understood why, from her perspective, I still didn’t feel the same way. Well, not really. Mostly. Or so I thought.

“You love Susan, and you have sex with her.”

I blushed at her frank appraisal.

“You love Gina, I think you’re probably in love with Gina.” Now she was starting to sound like Susan. “But you haven’t had sex with her.”

Did she have to bring up Gina?

“Do you love Stacy?”

The question hung in the hot, still air. I felt the seconds laboriously ticking by. Finally, I shook my head.

“But you want to have sex with her.”

I set my jaw, but I could tell she knew. She’d seen how I reacted to Stacy. Oh yes, she knew.

“Do you see what I’m getting at?”

No. No I don’t, I thought sullenly.

“Sometimes sex is just sex. Sometimes, it’s sex and love, and it’s really good. And sometimes, like with you and me, there’s love, without sex.”

I wanted to believe her. I wanted to understand her. I wanted to have sex with Stacy. And Susan. But I was in love with Gina. How could that mean anything if I was having sex with Stacy or Susan?

“I think I know a little something about Gina and her family,” she said, an unreadable twinkle in her eyes. “And I think she might be more adventurous than you realize.”

What was that supposed to mean?

“But that’s for the two of you to discover, when you’re together. Right now, it’s okay to want to have sex with Stacy. It’s not cheating if you don’t make it cheating.”

Now she was starting to make sense. Or, at least I was starting to understand what she was talking about, even if she still wasn’t making all that much sense. “What do you mean?” I asked.

“I mean, that as long as it’s not cheating in your heart, you can have sex with Stacy. Or Susan.”

“But not with you,” I said, sarcasm welling dangerously close to the surface.

She smiled and blushed, shaking her head. “No, not the two of us. That’s different.”

I let it drop. “You said having ... having sex with Stacy wouldn’t be cheating?” I desperately wanted to believe this. Needed to.

She nodded. “You can still be in love with Gina and have sex with Stacy. And it’s not cheating unless you make it cheating, unless you think you could leave Gina and fall in love with Stacy.”

I quickly shook my head. I knew I didn’t love Stacy. I liked her, very much, but with Gina it was ... different.

“You and Gina can decide, when the time comes, what kind of relationship you want to have,” she said.

Hadn’t Susan said something just like that? I began to wonder what the two of them talked about, and how much of it involved me.

“But until then, you and Stacy can have sex, and you won’t be cheating,” she said.

I wanted to believe her. I didn’t understand, completely, what she was talking about, but I still wanted, desperately, to believe her. Because I wanted Stacy, very badly. And soon.

Thinking about it, I felt my penis stir, filling with blood. I was quickly erect, my hard-on tenting my shorts uncomfortably. Mom saw the sudden motion and looked at my outlined penis. She looked up at me and blushed. Then she grinned. “At least someone thinks I’m right,” she said teasingly.

I think I turned six shades of red.

“But do you understand what I’m talking about?” she asked gently.

I thought about it for a moment, and then slowly nodded. I wanted to understand what she was talking about, but I suspected that it was going to be another “love” and “in love” kind of thing—tough to wrap my mind around.

“Good. Now, why don’t you unlock the gate? Let’s get going.”

I got out of the car and surreptitiously rearranged my erection, and then unlocked the chain as Mom started the car. She was through the gate and I locked it behind her, and then I quickly hopped back in the car.

When we drove past the clubhouse, I looked at her, wondering where we were going. Even though I was staring at her, Mom never batted an eyelash. When we pulled up to Susan’s house, she put the car in park and looked at me.