Chapter 12

Sister Gabrielle returned to her apartment after her first day teaching as a— What was she? A non-nun? Almost a nun? Sometimes a nun? She didn’t know what she was anymore. The Reverend Mother had said she was still a nun, but that she was not to wear the habit unless at school. Without the habit on she didn’t feel like a nun. But she followed the vow of obedience and went through the metamorphosis, changing her religious clothes to secular ones. The large cross that dangled from a long chain around her neck when she was dressed as a nun lay on the chair. She picked it up, clutched it in both fists, and rested her forehead against the metal. With closed eyes, she mouthed her silent prayer for guidance while dropping to her knees. She was forsaken. Sister Gabrielle prayed and prayed, and cried.

The knock on the door stopped both the crying and praying. Still on her knees, she looked at the door. No one knew where she lived. It must be a salesman. Maybe the landlord. She got to her feet, went to the door, and opened it. She gasped. Cara stood before her in her white blouse, dark blue plaid skirt, and white socks, her blonde hair tied back in a ponytail, her big blue eyes staring at Sister Gabrielle. Questioning eyes.

“What are you doing here?” Sister Gabrielle asked.

“I followed you on my bike.”

“Why?”

“I was worried about you. I was in the hallway wondering why you were so mean to me. And I never saw you in regular clothes so when you came out of your office I hid and then followed you and saw you take a bike. I saw the direction you were going and ran to my bike and caught up to you and followed you here. What are you doing here? Who lives here?”

“I live here.”

“What! You’re not a nun anymore? But you are. I saw you in class. What’s going on?”

“It’s a long story.”

“I have time.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s what you said before. I want to talk about it. I love you and something is bothering you. And this...” Cara held her hands out with her palms up, “I don’t understand.”

“I’m following the directions of the Reverend Mother.”

Cara gasped. “She kicked you out of the convent?”

“Shh.”

Sister Gabrielle stuck her head out the doorway and looked both ways. She grabbed Cara’s wrist and dragged her into the apartment, closing the door behind her. “She didn’t kick me out. She suggested I live out of the convent until the end of the semester.”

“I didn’t know you could do that.”

“You usually can’t. It’s a special situation.” Sister Gabrielle stared at the girl’s confused face. “You better go home.”

“I can’t leave you like this. I need to know. Why are you here and not at the convent? Why are you dressed like that?”

“It doesn’t concern you.”

“Everything about you concerns me. I love you.”

“I need to be alone.”

“I want to be with you.”

Sister Gabrielle stomped her foot. “I don’t want you here!”

Cara jumped back. Tears streamed down both cheeks. She paled and her whole body trembled. She stared at Sister Gabrielle in disbelief, and then her body gave out. She collapsed, crumbled to the floor, and curled up in a ball. Crying. Loud, heavy sobs.

Sister Gabrielle dropped to her knees next to the distraught girl and placed a hand on her shoulder. Cara shrugged it off and curled into a tighter ball. Sister Gabrielle didn’t know what to do. She was not only messing up her own life, but the life of a sixteen-year-old as well.

Sister Gabrielle waited for Cara’s crying to subside. It didn’t. She grabbed the girl’s shoulders. Cara tried to break free, but Sister Gabrielle was ready and rolled Cara onto her back with her head in the nun’s lap. Sister Gabrielle stroked Cara’s blonde hair, but the girl wouldn’t stop crying.

“I’m sorry,” Sister Gabrielle said, “I didn’t mean to yell.”

Cara opened her eyes. They were red and watery. Droplets of tears clung to the tips of her long blonde eyelashes.

“It’s just that...” Sister Gabrielle paused, “I’m confused and need time alone.”

“Do you still love me?”

Sister Gabrielle smiled. Or tried to. It came out as a half smile. “I’ll always love you. It’s not about you.”

“Then what’s it about?”

Sister Gabrielle stroked Cara’s cheek. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I never wanted to hurt you.”

Cara sat up and spun around so that she was facing Sister Gabrielle. “You will only hurt me if you tell me you don’t love me.”

“I already told you that I love you.” Cara opened her mouth to say something, but Sister Gabrielle placed her fingertips on it. “But I love Jesus, too.”

“So do I. I love Jesus with all my heart.”

“I know you do. But it’s different with me.”

“You love Jesus more than me?”

Sister Gabrielle thought for a moment and then said, “Differently.”

“What does that mean?”

“I dedicated my life to Jesus. That’s why I became a nun.”

“But you can undo that. You told me you could. We could be together and still love Jesus.”

Cara lunged at Sister Gabrielle, cupping her face in her hands. She glued her lips to the nun’s and poked with her tongue. There was no entry. Sister Gabrielle grabbed the girl’s arms and pushed her away. Cara gawked at the nun. The floodgate opened as tears flowed down both cheeks.

“Please love me,” Cara said. “I can’t live without you.”

Sister Gabrielle’s eyes watered. “Cara, I need to be alone right now.”

Cara was immobilized. Her bloodshot eyes wide open. Her chin trembled. She lunged again, this time the force knocked Sister Gabrielle onto her back. Cara smashed her lips to the nun’s, moving her head side to side, flattening Sister Gabrielle’s lips against her teeth. Cara’s hand clawed Sister Gabrielle’s dress until she could get her hand underneath it. She cupped Sister Gabrielle’s crotch over her large underwear and frantically squeezed and rubbed.

Stunned, Sister Gabrielle lay frozen like an ice statue. Cara’s hand mauled her privates, causing a warm tingling between her thighs, thawing the ice. Her legs parted and she humped against the hand. She moaned. But then she grabbed Cara’s forearm and yanked her hand out from underneath her dress. Sister Gabrielle rolled away and clambered to her feet.

“No!” Sister Gabrielle shouted.

Cara stared up at her. “You said you love me. Make love to me.”

“No. You have to leave.”

Sister Gabrielle walked to the door and flung it open. She waited with one hand on the doorknob and the other on her hip. Cara sat on the floor with her dark blue skirt up around her hips. Her legs were thin, not yet formed into a woman’s. She was so young.

Cara jumped to her feet and raced past Sister Gabrielle, yelling, “I hate you!”

Sister Gabrielle closed the door and fell to the floor with her back to the door and her face cupped in her hands. She cried harder than she had ever cried before.

After Cara stormed out of Sister Gabrielle’s apartment, the loneliness was unbearable for the nun. She moped around the apartment, crying most of the time even when no more tears could be made, and picked at her dinner, eating hardly anything. What little she managed to get down threatened to come back up.

Cara hated her. The spite in the girl’s voice had been like a punch to the gut. A spear through her heart. Sister Gabrielle had made Cara cry. Had broken her heart. Of course Cara hated her. The girl wasn’t made of stone. Sister Gabrielle had rejected her. Rejected her love. That night Sister Gabrielle got zero sleep and begrudgingly crawled out of bed when the clock alarm buzzed.

Sister Gabrielle stared at her face in the mirror. Bloodshot eyes. Dark circles under them. She loved teaching but didn’t want to go to the school. She wanted to sit on the bathroom floor and cry her eyes out. But she had an obligation. Her vows demanded that she teach the children placed in her charge.

The bicycle ride to school was like peddling through thick molasses. Sister Gabrielle’s legs were weak and her back ached. But she made it to the school where she changed into her habit in her office and went to her first class of the day. A day that dragged like a week. She forgot her place several times in the classroom. At one point a student raised her hand and said when called on, “Sister, you taught us that yesterday.” Sister Gabrielle stared at the open book for a good thirty seconds before continuing on.