05: Exploring His Domain

The non-suicide is a little traveling suck of care,
sucking care with him from the past and being
sucked toward carein the future. His breath is high in his chest.

The ex-suicide opens his front door,
sits down on the steps, and laughs.
Since he has the option of being dead,
he has nothing to lose by being alive.
It is good to be alive. He goes to work because he doesn’t have to.

Walker Percy

“Laura?” Dan said, opening his front door and discovering them both. “I’m surprised. I thought you weren’t participating?”

“I’m not, but that doesn’t mean I can’t stop by and provide reassurance.”

“Trust me, I’ve been doing this for a while,” he assured her.

“She means me,” Alison said, pushing him back as they entered the room. “So, what’s your bedtime routine?”

“I’m a pretty quiet guy, and I’ve finished my last book. We can watch something if you prefer, but I’m generally happier considering things on my own rather than watching films. For me, the enjoyment of a movie is the celebration with others.”

“Thanks for not wanting to celebrate with me,” she countered. “But you’re right. I’m too nervous to concentrate on mindless entertainment. Even if I survive, as we expect, we’re literally discussing my dying tonight. So, what time do you turn in?”

“Since I rise so early, I generally turn in early too.” He glanced at his watch. “I can turn in any time, but my normal time is in about another hour—when I don’t have a hot date with two beautiful women, that is.”

“Your home is beautiful,” Laura observed, “though it’s a bit sparse for me. You can tell you don’t have kids.”

“Weren’t your kids with you this week?”

“I dropped them off at your sister’s. Since we told her what we’re doing, she’s very supportive. I’ll cut out early and reassure her that you’re doing okay, but I just wanted to reassure you that I support you. However, I’m nervous as hell, so if you don’t call me as soon as you wake, I’ll be calling you first thing in the morning.”

“He wakes up well before dawn, so he won’t object, but I’ll probably be so excited, I might be up before he is. I’ll also want to talk however it turns out. He’s used to this, but I suspect it’ll be life changing for anyone else. I deal with death frequently, but this is a step into the great unknown, with no guarantee I’ll be able to return. And even if I do, having a glimmer of what awaits us is likely to give me insights similar to Dan’s.”

“Please, I don’t mind you accompanying him, just don’t croak on us. That will definitely put a sour note on things!”

“I’m not worried,” she assured her. “Chances are, it won’t work, and I’ll spend the night worrying about him. In fact, if you’re interested, you can take bets on how far I get. I’m betting I’ll reach the barrier zone, before falling back while he continues on, but I’m hoping to get a peek at where he goes each night.”

“If you’re too excited to relax, there are a few options to help you sleep,” Laura joked.

“Please, I’d never do that to you, and I seriously doubt Dan would either.”

“Still, stranger things have happened. When you’re wound up, it’s a good way to relax, and you don’t actually have to do much: taking a single step or two before me, rather than crossing the finishing line before I even put on my running shoes.”

“Still, there are other things we can do without crossing that particular line. I’m familiar with yoga and relaxation techniques. Yet, I’m also curious whether—if this is successful—Dan might be able to take someone across, even when they’re conscious. We won’t test that tonight, but it’s an interesting question.”

“Wow, your kitchen is amazing,” Laura said, tapping on the dangling metal light tubes lighting the entire area.”

“Well, I work in industrial design and have contacts who canprovide me with the best equipment. Since I have so few expenses, it wasn’t difficult and it’s one of my few extravagances.”

“We knew you were an engineer, but this is the first we’ve seen of your work.”

“Check out the kitchen tools near the stove.”

“Ooh, look at this Alison. His knives, tongs and spatulas attach directly to the walls behind his stove.” Laura took a large clever, feeling its heft, before reattaching it. When released, it held firmly.

“There’s a metal plate mounted into the wall with a small electric current, which keeps it magnetized. Even if the power goes out, they won’t suddenly fall, hurting someone.”

“This is ingenious,” Alison said, trying several of the knives, noting the resistance in freeing them.

“I also noticed that you have sensible couches, rather than the typical guy’s leather couch you sink into and can’t climb out of without assistance.”

“Yeah, my expertise extends to a lot of niche items like that. There are definite masculine/feminine furniture preferences, but if you know what to look for, you can find plenty which are comfortable for both. Guys typically use their height to stand, simply leaning forward and letting their weight lift them to their feet. Women have a lower center of gravity, so I understand your discomfort with the usual leather couches. Jules and my mother enjoy curling up here and reading, late into the evening.”

Laura walked slowly around the room, considering all the subtle detail and the craftsmanship you wouldn’t normally notice unless specifically looking for it. “Well, you certainly know your creature comforts, that’s for sure.”

“It’s what I do, or rather, what I did,” he eyes flashing pride before a deep sadness settled in, and the excitement of the two women quickly turned to concern, but he turned, approaching a large industrial refrigerator. “If you’d care for some wine, or anything else, help yourself. Since I don’t entertain, there’s not a lot of food, but ... I still enjoy quality when it comes to my kitchen. It makes cooking much easier—though I cook more like an engineer than a chef.”

“No thanks. I can’t leave the kids with Jules indefinitely.” She approached and kissed Dan on the cheek before wrapping Alison in a firm hug which she held for several moments. “Take care, stay safe, and ... bon voyage!”

“It’s hardly like we’re taking a vacation, though you’ll feel tremendous relief as all of your earthly concerns seemingly melt away,” Dan said. “When you awake afterwards, you’ll feel energized, completely focused and ready to tackle anything.”

“Good, then maybe I can finally clean the mess at my house I’ve been avoiding for so long,” Alison teased, as they escorted Laura to the door.

“Watch out for her,” Laura urged, staring at Dan, as he held the door for her.

“I will, but this is new for me. I’m used to it, but I’m unsure how much control I actually have over anyone else. The best advice I have is to simply relax, let go and accept whatever happens. The harder you fight, the worse it gets.”

“Don’t tell me, tell her. She’d the one who needs to hear it,” Laura urged, as they both turned to consider Alison. Laura then kissed him before turning and hurrying away. Dan closed the door and approached Alison.

“Is it really that easy?” she asked.

“Easy? No, but it’s ... simple. The harder you fight, the harder it is. But once you relax and accept it, everything flows naturally.”

“Let me guess, follow the light?”

Dan chuckled, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. “Not quite, but whatever happens, I’ll be there.”

“Will we be able to talk?”

“I doubt it, since I can’t communicate to anyone else once we’re there. Well, let me amend that. I speak, but they don’t respond. I’m unsure whether they simply ignore me, my thoughts are blocked, or I’m speaking the wrong language, so we’re there to observe, not converse.”

She swiveled, leaned in, and kissed him. Though they hadn’t kissed much so far, she noted that their heights matched. She still had to reach up, but only slightly. Though tall, he wasn’t exceedingly so. “Whatever you say, I’m still nervous. Why don’t we change, lie down and you can hold me, while I try to keep my heart from running away.”

“Did you bring sleepwear, or would you prefer borrowing one of my shirts?”

“Actually, I did, but honestly, I think I’d prefer yours. We haven’t spent much time cuddling, but I’ve always enjoyed your smell. Unlike a lot of men, yours is appealing, rather than overwhelming.”

He chuckled. “Just don’t suggest I smell like freshly baked cookies.”

She kissed him again, before releasing him as they both walked towards his bedroom. “If you looked like John Travolta, I might, but if you did, I’d likely gobble up your heart. But honestly, who has any desire to sleep in cookie crumbs. The associations are all wrong.”

Entering Dan’s bedroom, Alison glanced around at the nearly bare walls. “Your bedroom is a stark contrast to your hallway, which has so many family pictures, I wanted to study each one. Why don’t you have any personal pictures in here? Too many unpleasant memories?”

“Honestly, that was because of Chrissie. She seemed to think pictures of my sister and mother were ‘creepy’, implying I wanted to sleep with them or something. I suspect she has a real aversion to mama’s boys. So, she made me not only relocate them all to the more neutral hallway, but paint over the walls too, so I’d be reluctant to hang any more.”

“Really? I can’t think of anyone who’s less of a mama’s boy, though I’ve never observed you with your mother.”

“She never accused me of being one, but I think she had a history with that type of men. I suspect she was attracted to me because I’m so quiet. Rather than taking charge and insisting on things, I’d often let them ride and withdraw. I’ve never been one to pick a fight, though if I’m challenged, I’m not afraid of defending myself.”

“I hope Laura had some success with your ex. She says she did, but I still have some serious reservations about her. I can see how you two went astray, but how she could miss what you were wrestling with, even if you didn’t bring it up yourself is ... unexplainable.”

“Please, let’s not continue on her. You’ll notice, all the pictures of us are gone, and there are none in the hallway either, aside from a few taken during social events. But ... given everything else, I find a plain, undecorated room makes for easier sleep. Since I drop off so easily, there’s no TV or computers here so there’s little chance of short circuits or brownouts ruining them. Thus, I fall asleep quickly and simply surrender myself to the experience, letting whatever happens occur naturally. Since I can’t fight it, I simply let it sweep over me and carry me along.”

“I’ll see about adding a few pictures of Laura and me, possibly together, so you don’t forget who we are and remember us each morning, but I’m not particular about where you display them. Now let me brush my teeth and change, and then we can curl up. It’ll likely take me time to relax, but I’m eager to get this done, and the sooner the better it is for everyone!”

Despite her reservations, they fell asleep quickly after changing. Alison noted he had little difficulty falling asleep, despite her fears of some unidentified health risk, his relaxed demeanor—and his reassuring presence cuddling her—allowed her to relax without relying on her mindfulness meditations.

Without awareness she’d fallen asleep, she felt herself being drawn from her body. Her initial response was to fight, but the harder she fought, the stronger the pull became. Then, remembering Dan’s advice, she decided to trust him and surrender to the sensations.

There was no bright beckoning light, as she’d imagined, but she could feel herself leaving her physical body. She had a fleeting glimpse of their bodies lying together peacefully, looking as if they’d died in their sleep, eternally united. But her presence didn’t remain in the earthly realm for long.

She not only felt drawn by some mysterious force, she felt stretched, as if every part of her previous existence sloughed off, leaving her free of her earthly concerns. She again felt a need to resist, but as Dan advised, the force pulling her felt calming, and once more heeding his advice, she accepted it as her natural state and allowed herself to go wherever it led. Aside from the momentary remembrance, she had no conscious thoughts of her bedtime companion.

However, the temporary struggle against death’s beckoning call eased, and she found herself in a dark, silent and still universe, where she couldn’t see, hear or perceive anything in any direction. Once more resisting panic, she was soothed by a calming touch which seemed entirely too fleeting.

Glancing towards it, she saw a flicker full glow, and realized it was Dan’s essence, gently guiding her through their trip together. Allowing him to navigate their passage, she once more accepted her fate, whatever it might be. Despite realizing she might not return, she trusted Dan’s ease in this dimension extending to her and willing risked her life in his tender care, hoping it wasn’t a misguided decision.

Crossing over took a surprisingly long time, during which her mind wandered, as various thoughts seemingly called for her return. Thoughts of family, friends, uncompleted tasks, and personal ambitions, but in the end, her curiosity won out. Never one to skirt danger, instead running headlong into it to rescue others in most encounters, she stuck to that theme, remaining true to her central impulse. Those stray thoughts remained, plucking her thoughts for short instances, but her ambition kept her focused, as did her trust in Dan to protect her from her own worst impulses.