14: Bucking Up

When we remove ego, we’re left with what is real.
What replaces ego is humility, yes—
but rock-hard humility and confidence.
Whereas ego is artificial, this type of confidence can hold weight.
Ego is stolen. Confidence is earned...
It’s the difference between potent and poisonous.

Ryan Holiday

Jules and Chrissie met them at the door. Luckily, they had the foresight to call before showing up.

“It’s about time you guys showed up,” Jules complained, hugging her brother. “We were wondering where you were and whether to start a search when you called. Your news was hardly reassuring.”

“‘Dozens dead, news at eleven!’ is hardly comforting,” Chrissie said. “Still, it’s nice you did.”

“That’s why we called,” Dan assured them, “but we were trying to slip away before anyone stopped us. Having my face plastered in the newspapers for saving hundreds would have severely complicated things.”

“Speak for yourself,” Laura corrected, heading for his couch. “Aiesha’s ID got you out, but they knew I was the only one active in that section of the building, and I’d said it was sabotage. So, they were eager to grill me.”

“Sorry about that,” Alison said, “but I was focused on ensuring no one noticed Dan. What’d you tell them?”

“They wanted to know who I am and how to reach me, of course, insisting on seeing my driver’s license. I told them to contact Detective Araceli.”

“That was smart,” Dan acknowledged. “He’ll assure them you’re legit while warning them to keep your identities under wraps for the next few days.” He entered the small kitchen and opened his refrigerator. “Does anyone need anything to drink?”

“We prepared breakfast for everyone,” Chrissie informed them. “Relax and we’ll take care of everything. But we were prepared to wring your neck.”

“I can imagine,” he said, grabbing a few bottles of water before heading to the couch with the others.

Laura’s eyes were closed, her head against the back of the couch. “Still, they want to talk to me so they can begin an investigation.”

Dan passed them their drinks before he sat. “Only we don’t know who’s responsible.”

“That’s why it’s called an investigation,” Alison reminded them, pressing the cool bottle to her forehead. “We alerted them to the problem, saving lives. We never promised we could solve the mystery for them. It’s their job to collect the evidence, as nothing we know will hold up in court anyway.”

“Isn’t anyone willing to admit what happened?” Jules pressed. “By the way, would you rather eat there, or the table, because the food’s ready.”

“Laura certainly proved her value,” Dan said, studying her with a wide grin. “Alison was out cold, and I wasn’t doing well, but she opened windows throughout the building and got the air circulating. If not for her taking the lead, it may not have ended well.”

Alison stood, toasting her companion. “She’d been really coming into her own. For a while, I was afraid she was feeling inferior since we both take charge so quickly. Now, she’s confident enough to stand on her own and argue with the authorities, which is always a good sign.”

“A lot of people owe you their lives today, including us.” He helped her from the couch and escorted her to the table. “Unfortunately, no one besides us will ever know, because of me. Sorry for squelching your budding flame.”

“That’s not an issue,” she assured him, kissing his cheek before sitting. “Success is more reassuring than acclaim. Words are empty, and often result from your sex appeal on any given day. But results generate confidence, whereas looks—and children—don’t.”

Jules carried in plates of omelets and toast, while Chrissie poured everyone fresh coffee.

“You still remember how I like my eggs,” Dan observed, grinning at his one-time girlfriend. “My sisters always preferred hers on the drier side.”

“The combination of cheeses is a nice touch,” Jules admitted. “I wouldn’t have put in the extra effort myself. I personally prefer mine to go in wrap form.”

“As children we always had ‘eye’ eggs, where you cut a circular hole in the toast and fry your egg, so it’s absorbed by the dry toast. It was a bit messy, which she thought icky!”

“I think it’s delightful,” Alison noted. “I for one appreciate the extra effort.”

“I’ll have to give your eye-eggs a try, since my boys are still fond of icky things, though once they start bringing girlfriends by, it won’t have the same impact. Hopefully, they’re still immature enough to appreciate it for a little longer.”

“I hate asking obvious questions, but when will you see them again?” Jules asked.

“Laura put her fork down and leaned back, biting her lip. “Actually, I’m meeting Leon and the kids tomorrow evening, and I’d like Dan and Alison there, to help explain what we’re facing without scaring them.”

“Are you sure,” he asked. “Wouldn’t you rather speak to them privately.” He hesitated a moment, for the question to sink in. “It may be the last time you do.”

“They appreciate you and know the kinds of trouble you get into. But part of understanding the risks I’m facing is comprehending why I’m undertaking them. If I tell them, it won’t mean much, if they see how emotional you get discussing it, they’ll feel it for themselves.”

“That makes sense,” he concurred, and we’ll be there,” he said, reaching out for her hand.

“Now, what you two need to understand is,” Alison began,” like most men, Dan sees honesty not as a strength to be embraced, but evidence of weakness. He fears that if he admits he’s likely to suffer, it’ll undermine your confidence in him, and you’ll despair. Just as he did with you, Chrissie, he froze you out in order to protect you. It’s a misguided notion, and flat out idiotic, but after all, he’s but a man, after all.”

“He doesn’t understand we’re all better off realizing the truth,” Laura continued, “so we can reinforce and strengthen each other, deepening our relationships, whatever happens. A dire future isn’t something to be avoided but faced together with one’s family and friends.”

“And sons,” Julie added. “The worst thing you can do is to pretend that nothing’s wrong when the kids bloody know the family’s falling apart. They’ll end up resenting you forever when you do.”

“Please, don’t remind me,” Dan complained. “I’m nothing like my father. You’ll notice he’s never tried to protect me, even from beyond the grave.”

“That sounds like another discussion we’ll need to have,” Alison said, glancing at his sister. “But it’s a valid point. Forewarned is forearmed, whereas misinformed is leaving your fellow warriors unarmed and unprepared for the battle they’ll eventually face once you’re gone. And trust me, Dan, we each need all the strength we can gather in the coming days.”

“Fine!” he announced, raising his hands and dropping his knife and fork so they clattered onto his plate with a racket. “I’ll admit it. I sought to shelter you, but like these two busybodies, you are often more resourceful than I. While I get glimpses of the future, I’m typically blind to the things happening around me, and close my eyes to the others.

“The fact is, I’m scared as hell! And yes, that’s terrifying for someone who’s used to standing on his own. However, these ‘visions’ of mine aren’t strengths, they’re a plague on my soul, draining me every day and turning me into someone I don’t recognize. Frankly, I’d prefer you both remember me as the provider and comforter, not the person terrified of invisible voices whispering in his ear at all hours of the day and night.”

“If you’ll remember,” Chrissie said, “I didn’t abandon you after you could no longer work. I was there by your side through the whole struggle, encouraging you to face it.”

“And you were the one who abandoned her,” Julie stressed, “rather than admit you didn’t have all the answers. Isn’t the whole point of grade school that, when you don’t have the answers, you ask for help? Those with ready answers never grow and mature, and those without challenges never truly live. It’s the times we struggle together, against seeming insurmountable odds, that we thrive. And when we lose someone close to us, we don’t remember their weaknesses, but our shared weakest moments which bound us closer and give us the strength to push on through the gloom.”

“That’s what we want you to show your sons,” Alison finished, facing Laura. “You want to demonstrate that men are strongest when they admit their weakness. That we’re strongest when we’re joined at the hip. It isn’t a glistening golden ring that binds us together forever, but the shared sweat on our backs and the tears in our eyes.”

“And while we’re leveling criticisms,” Julie Engals said, “you have to admit your fears too, Alison. You’ve been in this male-dominated field for too long to recognize it, but it’s fair to admit that you feel jealous of Laura for her strength, or the way Dan looks at her in his moments of doubt.

“It doesn’t take anything away from you because you’re the glue that binds you three together. Dan was never as healthy as he’s been with the two of you, and you’ve both made him into a better man than he ever was before. Does he still have faults? Who doesn’t? But you project confidence when either of you faulters, you call for reinforcements when you feel overwhelmed, and most importantly, you step back so the others can discover who they are and gain the confidence to become stronger people. But it’s time for you to let them do the same for you.

“Face your own insecurities and let them patch those personal flaws so you’ll be stronger together. There’s no need to constantly buck them both up when your own confidence is faltering. Admit you need help. Ask if you need a comforting hug, or when someone tells you they love you, kiss them like it may be your last day together and never look back. Because, you never know when it will be.”

“See,” Chrissie chuckled, glancing around the table. “We’re better working together, bullying each other up, over a dinner lovingly prepared. And Dan, while Julie and I appreciate cuddling with you on the sly, we know these two are your future. That doesn’t diminish either of us, but we’d rather share it with you than having you shelter us again. We’re happy for you and would rather remain close than to never know what you’re grappling with. We’re all bigger than that, and it diminishes us all when you refuse to grant us even that much!”

“Let me just say, thanks for being so frighteningly honest, but I fear there’s a little boy who needs a group hug from the people most vital to his life.”

“And Julie, your mother Mary agrees.” Tears were streaming down Laura’s face, as they all stood, came together and embraced, her tale interrupted by the occasional hiccup or sniffle. “I didn’t recognize it at the time, but that’s what she was telling me when we finally met, and she loves everyone here too!”

“All right, you all know why you’re here,” Detective Araceli stated, as they all met in a closed interrogation room in the uptown precinct house. “First question, are you each willing to abide by and follow the laws and procedures of the metropolitan police department? If so, I can swear you in, hand out temporary badges and you’ll be legally protected, as long as you follow them. Is that clear?”

“It’s clear, sir, but we ain’t doing it,” Thomas Lawrence stated, answering for his team. Dan and the other civilians glanced at one another.

“Do you mind explaining why?” Lee asked, his hands on his hips as they faced off.

“This is going to be close contact urban warfare with hundreds of lives at risk. We know the stakes, but if we can prevent the situation from escalating, we’ll shoot first and read them their rights afterward.” Before Lee could object, he raised his hands. “We’ll do so, knowing full well we’ll be arrested and potentially face murder charges, but none of us can afford to take any chances.”

“Besides,” Will Thompkins’ toothpick danced between his gums as he spoke. “The city can’t afford to acknowledge any of us anyway, given how we arrived at this knowledge. If anything happens, you’ll happily disavow any awareness of us, so your offer is empty, at best.”

“You’re not wrong, but I had to ask,” Lee acknowledged, before turning to Dan. “Any rough guestimates as to the time things will unfold?”

“Nope. But our best guest is when the theater’s performance is complete, which means 9:45 p.m. or later.”

“Good, there won’t be quite as many people in the streets, and families with small children should be out of the way. What about estimates for how long it’ll take to unfold.”

“Our best guestimates are: first explosion at 9:50, second at 10:10, third near 10:20 and the final assault on the rescue personal whenever they arrive. That’s how long it’ll take someone to run from site one to site two, and they’re unlikely to allow anyway to get clear before they ignite the second bomb, while the third will be timed to inflict the maximum carnage. So, the times are pretty firm.”

“Good, I’ll forward that to everyone involved. As you undoubtedly know, these people are likely to have either police radios or military communication devices, so we’ll need to insist on radio silence for the entire operation.”

“How will we communicate then?” Dan asked. “Alison explained how each has multiple channels, wouldn’t alternating stand a better chance than silencing everyone?”

“No, they’re liable to have someone listening in to all the various channels, and at the first sign of trouble, they’ll probably alter their plans, either igniting the bombs simultaneously, or opening fire on police and civilians indiscriminately.

“Instead, you’ll each restrict your messages to two numeric signals. The first is for the site number, the second is for your success: one for success, two for complications and three ... well, we hoping to avoid that one.”

“I’m likely to see events that’ll be vital to the various parties during the course of the activities,” Dan argued.

“That’s fine, but you’ll send it via encoded text message between secure phones. We’ll supply you with specialized communication apps for your phones, but nothing over any Android devices. They’re fine phones, but with their open architecture, there’s no way to ensure they won’t have hidden back doors into them. If you don’t have another, we’ll supply you with a dedicated secure device.”

“No, we’re confident ours are safe enough, and Dan already has our numbers, so he can broadcast them to everyone simultaneously.”

“That might be a problem if someone’s compromised, captured or killed in action,” Dan warned.

“Our phones are all either thumb of face-recognition models, which means our eyes have to be open and alert, as they’re set for focal awareness,” Mike assured them all.

“Good. I’ll assumed you’ve confirmed it for each phone. But without badges, we’ll need some way we can recognize each of you, just so the police won’t open fire when we respond.”

“That’s easy,” Alison and Laura said, grinning widely as they yanked their blouses open revealing colorful tee-shirts.

“We’ll each be wearing different gay-pride tee-shirts,” Dan explained. “That way, they’ll be easily noticeable but shouldn’t attract undue attention and won’t be obvious for anyone scanning the crowd once they recognize one of us.”

“Unusual, but practical. Nice creative thinking.”

“It was Laura’s idea actually.”

“Each of us are questioning our sexuality,” she explained, “as none of us knows who we’ll be stuck loving after this is over. If one gets killed, then the other two will pair off together. If two get killed, then the other can find the comforting arms of whoever she wants, of whatever sexual inclination they might be.”

“In our case, we’ll either be wearing heavy dark coats or fatigues,” Thomas explained. “But we’ll be wearing the same tees under them, and when the smoke clears, we’ll ditch our jackets to show we’re not a threat.”

“I thought you were each likely to seriously consider this. We’re also issuing everyone police flak jackets for your protection. While a bit bulky, they shouldn’t be too noticeable under your normal attire and will likely save your lives if there’s open gunfire.”

“Not if there are snipers firing from rooftops,” Jacob pointed out.

“You’re right, but they will either on the street or on the rooftops themselves. The key is to eliminate the snipers. We’ll give you time to do that on your own, but we’ll also stake out a few rooftops with our own men, so if you’re unsuccessful for whatever reason, we can then take out those men before they can start firing into the street.”

“A few stun bombs and smoke grenades wouldn’t hurt either,” Shortie suggested. “But by then, this whole operation is already a crap shoot with most of us dead but do whatever you can after that happens.”

“Does everyone know how to properly fit a flak jacket?”

“We do, but we don’t know about Dan and the girls,” Thomas acknowledged.

“I’ll show them, and ensure theirs are properly affixed,” Alison said.

“She’s one of ours,” Michael proudly announced.

“Just be warned, until we receive the all-clear, there will be no rescue or first aid,” Will warned.

“Since we’ll be the ones issuing the all-clear, we’re aware of that.” Alison handed him a printed list of names and data. “He’s the list of EMS with prior wartime experience. I’ve already quired whether several are willing to participate in an unstated operation at an unknown time, and I trust each one with my life. They’re prepared to be on-call when the time comes. If you station them in the various businesses, they’ll be out of the way but can respond quickly, carrying most of their supplies in normal, generic backpacks.”