13: Investigating One’s Feelings

You’ve started to speak your mind, now keep going with it,
but not with the intention of sparking controversy or picking
a germane fight. Get your gloves on, it’s time for rebirth.
There IS no room for the nice guys in the history books.
This is the start of a revolution. The revolution is your life.
The goal is immortality. Let’s live, baby. Let’s feel alive at all times.
Take no prisoners. Hold no soul unaccountable, especially not your own...

Brian Kranz

“So, how are you doing?” Alison asked as Laura helped ease Dan onto his couch. He’d done well for most of the day but faded quickly once they reached the apartment’s elevator—revealing he’d been pushing himself too far. Alison diverted into his kitchen, locating and pouring some juice.

“Not so well. I almost didn’t make it back and almost passed out several times.”

“Then why didn’t you say anything?” she demanded.

“Do you have any aspirin or Tylenol?” Laura asked. “You look like you need it.”

“We’ve got his pain killers,” Alison glared at him, “only he won’t take them!”

“Yelling won’t help. He needs to relax. Maybe some wine would help.”

“Not if he’s taking his medication, it won’t!”

“Please,” he said, raising his hand. “Just give me time to recover. This has been a trying day. Getting stabbed was bad enough, but driving all over, examining the blast site and locating evidence was clearly too much.”

“Look who I found,” Laura announced, returning with Jules, Dan’s sister in tow. “She was asleep on his bed, and it doesn’t look like she slept well.”

“Sorry for dumping you,” Alison apologized. “I know you and Dan wanted to commiserate, but...”

“Don’t start,” she warned, rubbing her blurry eyes as she joined her brother, sitting on the couch’s arm rather than disturbing him. “I know what he’s like, and things have been worsening as time passes. I can only imagine what it’s like now.” She studied her brother before deciding he wasn’t the best one to ask. “What was that about his causing Mom’s death?”

“Not caused it, triggered it,” Alison clarified, leery of her potential response. “It seems there are certain forces within the spiritual world which don’t appreciate what we’re doing. We have no idea what their agenda is, nor what they hope to gain from this, but...”

“Define ‘forces’, and how does hurting our mom help their cause?”

“They tried to kill him too. Unable to eliminate him, they’re trying to intimidate him.”

“We don’t know who these agents are,” Laura said, hoping to decrease the hostility level, “but we were specifically warned they were responsible for the constantly changing circumstances we’re facing.” She approached the others, resting her hands on the back of the couch, evaluating Dan to see if he was doing any better, but he hadn’t yet reopened his eyes. It was only his occasional grimace which assured them he was still conscious, but given his head wasn’t swaying and hadn’t dropped, they suspected he was following the conversation.

“From what you’ve said, they were both mentally unbalanced to begin with.”

“They’re the most susceptible,” Dan explained, “and I’m guessing, the fact they were already hearing non-existent voices made it relatively simple to contact them. We don’t understand the mechanism they employed but note both the results and their motivations. It’s really the only rational explanation for their both being attacked on the same day.”

The doorbell caused them all to turn, and even Dan opened his eyes, curious who it may be. “I’ll get it,” Laura offered.

“The hell you will,” Alison swore. “I’m his last line of defense since Mike went out for dinner.” When she checked the peephole, all she saw was a blur. “Stand in front of the door and face us,” she warned.

“It’s me,” Chrissie said, peering back into the peephole. “Julie called and said that Dan was attacked. Is he okay?”

“Hold on.” Alison unlocked and opened the door, escorting her in before securing the door and hugging her. “Dan’s okay but is exhausted from running all day and needs to crash. His mother didn’t make it.” Releasing her, she guided Dan’s ex into the room. “You probably noticed the cop outside, but he’s trying to be subtle to not scare the neighbors. We can answer any questions you have, though I expect you’re eager to discuss it with him directly.”

Dan raised his hand, still not ready to speak, and Cassie knelt and hugged him. “I was so worried. Thank God you’re okay. We have our problems, but damn it, I still care about you.”

Dan rested his hand on her cheek, pulled her down and kissed her. “I’m poor company at the moment, but yes, we need to talk.”

“Let’s get him to bed where he can rest while we explain the latest details,” Laura suggested.

He shook his head, groaning slightly. “If I do, they’ll be no waking me. I’ll ... be fine once I accompany you and Alison again. But ... it’ll be dangerous if I take anything.”

“Does it have anything to do with that explosion today?” Chrissie asked Laura. “Just as two separate attacks on family members is suggestive, so is a mysterious explosion killing people.”

“That, and a few other things we’re really not at liberty to discuss. But despite his injury, he was amazing. He walked into a completely devastated house, and without any assistance, walked out with two separate fingerprints and helped the police with a sketch of the bomber.”

Julie glanced between the two women. “So, how are you two involved?”

“We were just supportive at first,” Alison explained. “Then we pushed, documenting what was happening. Finally, I asked him to take me with him when he visits other rhelms while he sleeps. We weren’t sure he could, but he proved my point. We then included Laura, and she’s now his apprentice. Her skills are different, but they’re now both speaking to the dead.”

“The spirits assured me you’re playing a significant role too, Alison,” Laura corrected. “We were brought together for a reason, which is also why we fit together so neatly. We were fated to find each other, and we can’t do what we’re doing without you.”

“If you’re planning on facing the dead tonight,” Jules said, “it’s not going to happens until we get a few questions answered.”

“She’s right,” Chrissie said. “You’ve kept us in the dark far too long. You’re not going anywhere until we discover what’s at stake.”

“Yeah, if you’re in danger, so am I.”

“At this point, there are certain things we’re not allowed to say.” Dan leaned forward, holding his head as he continued, “since the investigation is undercover and could expose others, including a few prominent politicians. But they’re very interested in avoiding what I’ve seen unfolding.”

Jules stood and began pacing before the couch, studying her brother. “From what I recall, you don’t hear anything unless someone’s life is at stake. I can’t picture your visions being any different. Whatever you can tell us, you owe it to us to explain, in case something happens and no one will admit what you were up to. After all, we’re family.”

“And despite recent events, that includes me too,” Chrissie insisted.

“What he isn’t saying,” Laura explained, “is we’re likely to perish too. So far, Alison appears to escape, and I could, though I’m less inclined the closer we get to it.”

“Unfortunately, just as Dan’s disinterested in attention, he’s just as likely to ‘save others’ by distancing himself from them. As Chrissie will attest, it’s a long-standing issue with him. He’s more willing to sacrifice himself for the common good than to search for more reasonable solutions. He’s always assumed helping others requires personal sacrifice.

“I was the one to pull together a team of experts to fight this, but he’s so dead set on this ideal of unheralded obligation, he’s likely to throw himself into danger, even knowing he could save more lives by deciding who to save and who not to.”

“Really?” he challenged, leaning forward a little straighter, his arms trembling under the pressure. “If youç saw a child standing before an oncoming car, would you stand aside, simply because it’s more advantageous?”

Alison’s shoulders sagged, her self-righteous bluster dissipating. “No, you’re right. In theory, the greater good trumps the value of the one, but when faced with those questions, you either rush in, risking dying as a hero, or stand back, too cowardly to act.”

“Knowing that isn’t terribly encouraging,” Jules admitted, “but it fits Dan to a ‘t’. He’s always been a loner, especially since those various medical incidents, and he’s only gotten worse. Now, I’m guessing he’s seen this coming for a long time. Not the details of his actual demise, but the likelihood he’d eventually either arrive too early or too late. As such, it simply reinforced his tendency to pull away and shelter others.

“You two helped to counter that tendency, and he’s opened up tremendously with you around. He’s better for it, but it’s still his guiding principle, and I’m not sure anyone can convince him he’s mistaken.”

“Maybe not,” Laura said, “but we’ll be there to try to counter it. That’s why I’m willing to risk robbing my children of their mother, hoping to prevent him from diving headfirst into the burning flames of fate. If there’s a compromise, we’ll find it, but chances are, it’ll come down to a mere moment or two, which is too close even for psychics to see!”

It was late when Dan, Alison and Laura turned in. Jules took the couch and the women set up Dan’s cot for Chrissie, but they expected the two to continue discussing what they’d learned. However, they were focused on other things at the moment.

This time, they both snuggled against Dan, being careful not to aggravate his wounds. Alison checked and rebandaged it and was satisfied it was progressing nicely, but the next day would be the most important. Stress, such as he was exposed to that day, wouldn’t help.

The girls worried about Dan, specifically since he seemed so complacent about the death of his mother. He was saddened, but it was almost as if it didn’t matter to him. Neither of them believed it, but that was the vibe they got from him. That he acknowledged it, but it somehow didn’t directly affect him. As for his sister, she was more worried over her brother’s fate, so couldn’t properly address the loss of her mother, whom she’d been caring for these past few years.

Laura felt herself drawn from her body, and familiar with the feel of her companions, no longer worried but actively sought it out. The portal which once threatened to deliver her to her death was still present, but it was merely a reminder to avoid any traps she may encounter. In fact, she regarded it as just that, yet another trap laid out by the mysterious ‘others’ who hoped to catch her in a moment of weakness.

Dan sensed her relaxed mood, despite their immaterial spiritual state, appreciating that Laura was finally coming into her own. She apparently had much under the surface, and he was eager to see what she made of it but hoped they had sufficient time remaining. Still, he prayed this would answer their questions, at least as everything came together in only another couple of days and they’d either succeed or would never know what went wrong.

Meanwhile, Alison was fascinated by how this played out. She enjoyed pulling so many people into a cohesive unit and felt confident they’d be successful, whatever happened. Either way, it was a grand adventure, in a life already filled with adventures. This was the coup de gras, and if it ended, she was satisfied with her choices.

Having experienced this a few times, Laura studied the lack of physical markers, searching for any noticeable details. She didn’t want to admit it, but she dreamed of being able to journey here herself, and if not, then at least feeling like she had a handle on what was happening gave her the sensation she was in control.

However, she was convinced she could now detect gradations in the nothingness surrounding them. Which meant they were just about...

The surrounding void suddenly blossomed into a vast spiritual universe with the afterlife positively buzzing with energy. Laura’s excitement grew. As much as she loved watching Dan and Alison deal with unexpected events, here she was not only in control, she was welcomed as if she belonged, something she missed. They included her in whatever they did, but she still felt like an outsider. Alison always organized everything, and no matter what happened, Dan managed to win converts. Here, she was queen, and assembled the answers everyone else required. If she didn’t make it, then this would...

Although the spirits continued swirling around Dan, there was another contingent waiting for her, just as excited as his were. The number was growing with each meeting, giving her access to an increasing array of expertise. Suddenly, she understood the attraction of oracles, who could convert the mystery of uncertain deities into sensible plans.

‘Welcome back,’ Maria greeted her. ‘A lot has changed since you were last here.’

‘It certainly has,’ she agreed. ‘Which is what we need to discuss. How many more personal attacks should we expect? Is this our new normal, or is there some limit?’

‘Actually, though we don’t communicate with these other beings, their power peters out in the earthly realm. They’re better at influencing others, but directly controlling them, even only to pass messages, is physically exhausting. I doubt you’ll see much more of it. They played their cards, and now that they’re on the table, they don’t have any more to play.’

‘That’s certainly a relief, but I assume things will continue changing?’

‘Absolutely. Again, there are many factions vying for control, and each will try something slightly different, so expect everything you know to change. But realize it isn’t easy for them to pull off, so their influence is limited, leaving them too weary to continue. The more things change, the more stable things will become.’

‘That sounds comforting, but I’m guessing we have some time to go before it’ll get any easier.’

‘That it will, as Dan forecasts, you’ll likely lose several close to you.’

‘About that, what about Dan and me? He’s observed us both dying. Is that our fate, or can we change our futures?’

‘You’ve already received that reply. You know how to change your fate, but now we doubt you’ll comply. That’s your choice, but it’ll also impact many of those surrounding you, not just in the long term, also in the immediate events surrounding you.’

‘There’s not much to plan, or at least not much remaining time to implement it. With everything coming together, the die has already been cast. Is there anything I need to know? Something which will likely change our destinies? Anything we should avoid?’

‘You need to trust yourself. Do what you need to and avoid everything else. Choose your fate, and when it comes, accept it with pride. You chose it, and it’s what defines you. And that fate will follow you here, defining not just the end of your life, however long it may last—but your immortal soul too.’

‘In that case, I think this is it. Whatever will be will be. I appreciate your assistance, now we need to prepare for the inevitable. While I love you for helping, I also hope to not see you for a while longer, as I still have several still depending on me here. They’ll survive, even if I don’t, but we need to assure they’ll endure our loss.’

‘Go. Do the best you can and accept what you can’t. Again, it defines you, as well as defining how everyone will remember you. Make it plain this is who you are, and they’ll accept it. They likely won’t be happy about it but knowing it’s who you are is the best solution.’

‘Thank you. I love you all, but I’m hoping I won’t be joining you for some time.’

Dan was the first to stir, sitting up and glancing around while checking the others. He froze, his forehead crinkling.

“Is everything okay?” Alison asked.

“This isn’t how we fell asleep.”

“Uh, no, but does it matter?”

“When we’re gone, our bodies wouldn’t move as we have no conscious or involuntary control of our bodies. But I’m alone in the middle, and you’re each separated.”

“Neither of us was lying on the floor, what do you supposed it means?”

“Actually, we’re about one body width away,” Laura sagely observed. “Assuming they were spooning you.”

“You’re right. I suspect someone visited during the night. As you note, they didn’t disturb anything, so I suspect they wanted to ensure they had a little more time with us.”

“With you, which was why they shifted us aside,” Laura emphasized, shifting over to recover the lost space between them.

“Can you blame them? After the news we dumped last night, they’re only now realizing what we’ve been wrestling with, that there’s a good chance they’ll soon lose you. Can you fault either for cuddling with you one last time? After all, you were hardly cordial in your response. You may have accepted your fate as inevitable, but they haven’t reached that conclusion yet, nor have we.”

“No, I guess I can’t. Though I can’t imagine cuddling a cold unresponsive body. It would be similar to spooning a corpse.”

“It would explain why they didn’t stay,” Laura said. “Your skin is still cool, though to me, if feels warmer and more comforting than ever.”

“It’s because you lost so much body heat overnight,” Alison corrected.

“All the more reason to make it up to them.” Laura stood and took Dan’s hand. “Let’s head out and invite everyone to breakfast and discuss what you weren’t able to last night.”

Alison glanced out the window, seeking any hint of early morning light. “At this hour? I’d say they’re probably as emotionally exhausted as you were last night. Let them sleep, but they deserve your time. No matter what we’re facing, you owe it to them. After all, they deserve to know how much you love them, especially now.”