An Enhanced Experience

Bzzzzzt ... bzzzzt...

Good day ... MiriclSoft Support ... how may we help you?

G’day ... me bloody screen’s gone all green ‘n’ yellow! And the letters are scrambled!

I see. Sir, which of our products are you using?

Orifice 2020.5.25

Very good, Sir. And do you have our new “365+7+24 AutoPatch” feature enabled?

Huh?

(Customer Support rep repeats question)

Beats the ‘ell outta me? Is this something new?

Oh, yes, Sir, quite new ... as of 2350 GMT, a system-wide auto-patch was issued. Your copy of Orifice 2020.5.25 is now upgraded to Version 2020.5.5. We’re totally delighted to enhance your customer experience with MiriclSoft!

Last night? At four bleedin’ o’clock in the morning? How the ‘ell ... me bleedin’ computer was turned off!

Oh no, Sir ... to MiriclSoft, no customer’s computer is ever truly “off” ... we take great pride in our ability to improve, upgrade, and enhance our customers’ product experience everywhere, anywhere, anytime. Be assured, Sir, it is totally safe and secure!

Well, what’s with the green ‘n’ yellow screen, then? And them scrambled words and letters? I opened me correspondence file, and I can’t read a bleedin’ thing!

Oh, not to worry, Sir! First, let me explain our new RetroView W10-2020 enhanced color upgrade. Our human interface engineers, after years of study, have determined that our new ‘Meadow Bloom’ color schema presents the optimal viewing experience with the least eye-strain risk.

Meadow Bloom!? You mean that sickly green and glarin’ yellow?

Please, Sir! I assure you, our ‘Meadow Bloom’ display is your best possible user experience, with the least possible eye-strain risk. MiriclSoft scientists expended thousands of study hours to develop the safest possible user experience for you!

Well, what’s with the scrambled words, then? Is that some “safety issue,” too?

Oh, to be sure, Sir! That is one of our PROUDEST achievements! We’ve long been concerned with personal security for our millions of users, and I’m pleased to announce our new feature — as part of the new universal Orifice 2020.5.5 auto-upgrade — the MiriclSoft AutoCrypt Screen Display enhancement!”

But I can’t READ the bleedin’ screen!

Precisely, Sir ... precisely! And neither can anyone looking over your shoulder, Sir. Until last evening, anything you input was displayed on the monitor in plain text, which anyone looking over your shoulder, or passing by, or peering over the top of your cubicle divider, could also read. Think of the insecure situation THAT represented, Sir.

But how in bleedin’ ‘ell do I read it, MESELF!?

No problem, Sir. Simply press [Option-shift-control]; then select [Display]; then [Decipher]; then [Method]; then [ROT-13]; then [Blink]; and then choose either [ON] or [OFF]. It’s as simple as that, Sir. And you can use the Control Panel to set the blink periodicity to increase or decrease the flashing display time.

Did you say “ROT-13?”

Yes, Sir. ROT-13. That’s a key feature of the new RetroView W10-2020/AutoCrypt Screen Display technology!

ROT-13! You’re bleedin’ serious? Yer bleedin’ auto-upgrade stuffed my monitor display with sickly green and glarin’ yellow, and now yer scramblin’ me typin’ wi’dat stupid old ROT-13 gimmick and you expect me to sit there and READ THAT!?

We at MiriclSoft do understand, Sir, that there will be a brief acclimitization process involved, but our hundreds of focus groups have agreed that this is, indeed, a great leap forward in the MiriclSoft User Experience. We’re certain that you will agree, Sir, that you will soon adjust. Thank you for calling, Sir, and enjoy your new upgrade!

Wait! Hang on a minute ... Hello? HELLO!?