Chapter 23: Almost Normal

THE LEAST UPSET PERSON in the house was Lily. Put a nipple in her mouth and she was happy. Evelyn was surprisingly calm, sitting in a corner of the living room with Lily. When the SORDID Chief of Staff and his ... staff left, there were still eleven people left in the house. Mattie emerged from the basement office and went to the bar where she began mixing Bloody Marys. Sheila went to help her.

“Ugh! Not for me,” Elizabeth said. “I think I caught a bug from my students. Not even a month back in class and they’ve infected me. I should make them all wear surgical masks before they breathe on me.”

“Still getting hit on?” I asked. Somehow, that idea seemed more normal than that a man had been kidnapped from our house, we’d faced the inquisition, and a government team had stripped the office out of my den.

“Every day. One little shit had the balls to present a medical certificate to me stating that he was confirmed fertile and ‘warning’ fertile women to use a condom with him if they didn’t want to become pregnant.”

“I wonder how many fertile women he’s had unprotected sex with as a result,” I mused.

“More than I want dripping off the cock that goes in me,” Elizabeth growled. “Do you hear me, sluts? Mattie, Sheila, Evelyn, Kitty. Keep your cunts away from my man’s penis. I’ll superglue them shut. You’ll wish you still had your cherry. I can’t believe we have four sluts living in our house.”

“I’m not living here,” Kitty said. “Did you know Humpty has a nice little house over on the west coast near Tampa? We would usually be there for the weekend by now. This kidnapping stuff is throwing our plans off.”

“My head hurts,” Elizabeth complained. “I’m going back to bed.”

“I’ll come with you,” I suggested. Anytime Elizabeth was headed to Smith Stadium it was a good time for me to go there, too.

“Keep your hands off me, you bastard. I know what you want. It’s always the same. Pokey pokey pokey. You stink.” Elizabeth stalked off to the master bedroom and curled in a ball at the edge of the bed. Getting a flagged warning not to come close, I returned to the living room.

Everyone but Evelyn had a Bloody Mary by then. Hers was non-alcoholic.

“Here’s to Jack,” I said, taking my drink from Mattie. “May he be safe, wherever he is.”

“I thought the definition of being safe included not being kidnapped,” Smythe said. I looked at Evelyn calmly nursing Lily.

“If he was kidnapped.”

“What are you saying, Ramsey?” Smith MIB said.

“No one was sure how many kidnappers they saw. No one saw a face. No one saw Jack, just a man being led out with a bag over his head.” I went to the dining table where I picked up the score sheet from our gin game the night before. “My head still feels stuffed with cotton. I never beat Jack at gin. I never drink six martinis in an evening. Or maybe seven. And just at the point where I was downing one more, Jack looks at me seriously and makes me promise to look after Evelyn if anything should happen to him. Like that the government tries to kidnap him again. I’m not saying he wasn’t kidnapped, but now that I think about it, it sure sounds like he knew it was coming.”

“Evelyn?” Sheila demanded. “Do you know anything about this?”

The young mother looked up with an innocent smile and shook her head.

“Oh, quit sniveling!” Elizabeth barked. Mattie swallowed and tried to stop the tears. She was just a little frightened of my wife. Monday morning, Elizabeth had gone down to the former office where Mattie was attempting to restore things to the way she found them when she moved in before Christmas. Now the government computers and files had been removed. She’d had to fight to keep them from taking my signed baseball collection. If she hadn’t watched over the process, I’m was sure they’d have taken everything in the room.

“I don’t know what I’ll do. I just wanted to put things back like Mr. Smith had them.” Sheila had left Sunday evening and Mattie knew she needed to leave as well. I’d gone to the newspaper office and was wrestling with the big story of Jack’s disappearance.

“First of all, you’re going to need a computer. They didn’t cut any of the lines, did they?” Elizabeth demanded.

“No, ma’am,” Mattie whispered. Evelyn shoved Lily into Mattie’s arms and pulled a book off my shelf to leaf through.

“Good,” Elizabeth continued. “Go down to SellMore and get a decent computer and printer. You’ll need whatever it takes to get back online. And software. The government doesn’t provide software for us.”

“But I don’t have a job or any place to live!”

“Silly girl. You live upstairs next door to Evelyn and Lily. Here’s my credit card. Don’t go overboard. Ramsey will hire you as his research assistant for the book.”

“He will?”

“It’s not like you’ll have all the perks that sitting in a government office answering email gave you, but Ramsey’s phone was ringing all night with requests for speaking engagements, publishing offers, and floozies who think he’s really Jack and want him to get them pregnant. Someone with some sense needs to get this under control and you’ve been better at keeping him under control than anything I’ve tried to do in the past.” Elizabeth paused and got a faraway look in her eye. “And coffee. You know how to get his lazy ass out of bed in the morning. I have a job to get to. Get things started.” Elizabeth turned and ran up the stairs and out the door. Mattie stood staring, bouncing Lily in her arms.

“Don’t get starry-eyed,” Evelyn said. “She’s not leaving her husband.”

“I didn’t ... wouldn’t ... never...”

“Maybe you didn’t and maybe you never, but you would. Here. Give me Lily and go run your errands. I need to get dinner started. It’s a slow cooker meal.”

“Are you their cook now?” Mattie asked.

“We have free room and board here,” Evelyn said. “We all need to do our part to help out. I have the easy job compared to you. I just have to raise a baby and cook some meals.”

“Yes. I suppose so.” Mattie looked at the credit card in her hand, took a deep breath, and headed for SellMore.

“You did what? She’s staying?” I asked my wife as she posted on my cock in Smith Stadium Monday night.

“You said you’d hire her in a minute. You didn’t. So, I did. Don’t be an ungrateful bastard.” My brain short-circuited as we built to a massive climax and I was no longer able to talk. We’d have to deal with it in the morning.

By Wednesday, Elizabeth was curled up sobbing at the far edge of Smith Stadium again. Talking was no use. “I didn’t mean I wasn’t grateful,” I tried to explain.

“You don’t love me! I try to do something nice for you and all you can think about how you’ll never get your man cave back. You are so insensitive! I hate you.” Elizabeth jumped out of bed, grabbed her robe, and escaped into Evelyn’s room.

“She’s insane,” I muttered. “Life will never be the same again.”

“Coffee, Mr. Smith. It’s nearly ten.” Twenty minutes after she’d left the night before, Elizabeth had come back to bed and been doubly demanding in our love making. She’d kissed me tenderly this morning when she got out of bed and told me to start outlining my book. Now Mattie was standing beside the bed with morning coffee.