Chapter 19: Flash!

“HE’S OUT OF THE WOODS,” the doctor said. Hamilton, I think his name was. My injury was minor. Half a dozen stitches and a bandage on my arm. I couldn’t even reasonably call in sick to work. Not that I had a job.

“What was the damage?” I asked. Dr. Hamilton frowned.

“I guess you are officially his guardian, so I’ll tell you.” He looked around to make sure no one was nearby and lowered his voice. “She managed to slice off one of his testicles. The other has a small cut. There was a lot of blood loss. We don’t know if it has permanently damaged his reproductive system but for at least the next month or two, he’s out of the game.”

“Well that’s just peachy. Maybe he can spend some time at home with his wife and daughter. Has anyone called Evelyn?” I reached to tug at my shirtsleeve only to find it was missing. I swore and looked at my jacket to discover it was in the same condition.

“I don’t know. This whole thing is a complete clusterfuck. Aren’t you in charge of that?”

“Shit!” I dug my phone out of a hip pocket and pressed Evelyn’s number.

“Hello? Who is this?” she demanded.

“Evelyn, it’s Ramsey. Are you all right?”

“Oh, hi. Sorry. I guess I’m a little testy this morning, knowing Jack is going in to have his dick jacked off by that woman. I know the necessity. It just still makes me upset,” she said. I could hear Lily fussing a bit.

“Well, the good news is, that’s not going to happen. Unfortunately, there’s bad news along with it. On the way to the clinic this morning, that Reba woman attacked him and injured his testicles.” I heard her catch her breath. “He’s going to completely recover. Don’t panic. I’m going to try to bring him home now. At least for a few weeks.”

“Oh no! I’ll pack a bag. I’ll go to the airport. Tell him I’ll be there soon.” Exactly the response I didn’t want.

“Evelyn, please stay put. If you come up here it might delay me getting him back to Florida. And if I get him out right away, we could pass in the air. Let me work on it and I’ll have him home and in your arms as soon as I can.”

“Yes. Okay. I’ll just wait here by the phone.”

“I’ll ask Elizabeth to look in on you.”

“Oh. Well, she does. I’ve been staying at your house so I’m not alone with the baby. She’s at work right now, but it won’t be long before she’s home. She’s so sweet.” That was news to me. Getting Jack back to Orlando might not get him out of my hair at all. Oh well. At least in Orlando I could go back to work and collect a paycheck.

As soon as I disconnected, I dialed Ed.

“This is a flash, Ed.

Headline: Knife-wielding terrorist attacks World’s Last Hope.

Byline: Eyewitness account by Ramsey Smith.

Copy: Screaming ‘If I can’t have him, nobody can!’ a woman attacked Jack Adams on his way to make his first sperm donation at the National Clinic. Adams’ testicles were damaged in the attack and doctors have not released a prognosis at this time.

The attacker is believed to be the same woman who accosted Adams on Thanksgiving and was later taken into custody for kidnapping the President’s daughter. Government security around Adams was impotent to prevent the attack. In the resulting scrum, Smith was also injured.

More details forthcoming.

“How does that sound?”

“You’re going to get mobbed in about five minutes. Get to the security and find out how this woman got to him. Send me the plans for Jack’s future disposition. We’ll run a sidebar titled ‘Safer at Home.’ Push to get Jack sent home to recuperate.”

“You’ve got it, Boss. I see the security detail now.” I shut down the connection and rushed to intercept the Smiths. “What was she doing out of jail?” I demanded. “She was arrested Thursday night!”

“What were we supposed to hold her for? She isn’t Muslim, Mexican, or Black. We had no reason to keep her,” Mr. Smith shouted back. It was clear he’d already been raked over the coals by someone.

“How about kidnapping the President’s daughter?”

“Ms. Muffley confessed to being a party to the ploy. She wasn’t kidnapped.”

“Oh, fuck. So, you just let a woman who had already stated she intended to capture and breed Jack Adams walk free. And you didn’t even consider it important enough to tell us. And where were you MIB when the shit hit the fan? I thought you were supposed to take a bullet for your package.”

“You watch too much TV. We were exactly where we were supposed to be, one ahead and one behind. Those tin soldiers were closer to the action. Hell, you were closer and all you managed to do was get in the way.” He looked down at my bandages. “Um ... Sorry about the arm, Rams. She caught us on the blind side.”

I shook my head.

“Where’s the bitch now? Is she still walking around wielding a knife?”

“Oh no. We’ve got her now. She’s being charged with attempted genocide. That’s ten years, at least,” Ms. Smith said proudly. “It will be a while before she’s out of surgery, though. She really got banged up ... uh ... when she fell. She fell on you, Jack fell on her, and Mattie and Kitty fell on Jack. It’s amazing she only got eight little cuts and stabs from the knife she was carrying. I understand she managed to stab herself in an ovary.”

“That all happened when she fell and people fell on top of her?”

“According to eyewitnesses.”

“I need to see Jack.”

“Third door. Mattie, Kitty, and the soldiers are in with him.”

“General, we need a ride,” I spat after I’d caught up with Jack and assured him that Evelyn had been told and was okay, staying at our house. We were getting out of Dodge.

“What? Don’t you think it’s a little risky to go shopping with Jack in this condition? And it’s Colonel. Get it right!”

“We don’t want a ride shopping. We want a ride to Orlando. If we can’t get there securely by air, we need an unmarked car. I’ll drive,” I said.

“To Orlando? What’s there?”

“Home. Jack needs recovery time and that needs to be with his wife in familiar surroundings. You’ve been helpful these past few days, getting Jack settled and his wife calmed for the collections. Now he really needs time for his musket to recharge. Or whatever that metaphor was you used.”

“Humpty, that’s such a good idea. You could take me to Disney World. Put in for military transport of a valuable asset. You have the authority to do that, don’t you? I just know you do.”

“Yes. Well. Ah. Lieutenant?”

“Get us transport to Orlando on the QT. No sense alerting the world. We’ll just say Jack has gone into hiding after this unfortunate event,” Lt. Smith said.

“We’ll need a nurse, I suppose,” I said.

“We have one,” Mattie answered. Everyone turned toward her. The picture of efficiency, she tapped away at the tablet she held. “Sheila was a registered nurse before she decided her ... um ... other occupation was more profitable. She’s on her way to meet us now.”

“Us?” I said. “I thought it was Jack and me.”

“Oh no, sir. Where Jack goes, we all go. I have a valet packing the suite. Everything will be delivered to our car in ten minutes.”

“Mattie, you are truly worth your weight in gold,” I said, picking her up and swinging her around. I set her down and we were both embarrassed. “Which at your weight is probably a real bargain,” I muttered. I helped Jack into a robe that didn’t leave him exposed.

Jack groggily walked bow-legged between Sheila and me.