Chapter 11: Military Maneuvers

THE MOTORCADE FROM ANDREWS Air Force Base into downtown Washington, DC drew significantly less attention than the one in Florida. Motorcades are old hat in the nation’s capital. It’s unusual for so much as a senator from Kentucky to arrive at the Capitol in less than three cars. It was speculated that one particularly obese senator had to be broken up in three parts and was reassembled when his motorcade came to a stop.

At six o’clock on a Monday morning, the United States Government is still hours away from going to work. Jack looked out his window with some excitement as we passed the White House and pulled into the gated underground parking facility of the Executive Office Building behind Blair House. We’d been lightly dressed when we were rerouted and the frigid November air in DC bit into us as we emerged to enter the Presidential Guest House.

At least it was warm.

We, the four doctors, the Adams family, and the Smiths—both the Ramsey Smiths and the two agents—were led to the fourth floor where we all had rooms and some semblance of privacy. The six guest bedrooms shared a living room, dining room, and conference room. We were told meals would be delivered from the kitchen.

“See here, now,” Dr. Ulman finally mustered his indignation into something resembling action. “I object to our summary removal from our jobs in Florida. I administer a large hospital. The doctors have patients to see. I demand that we be returned to Orlando at once.”

“I’m sure the President will tell you when you can return,” Mr. Smith MIB said.

“The President?” Levi squeaked.

While the doctors distracted the agents, Elizabeth and I quickly scouted the bedrooms and took Jack, Evelyn, and Lily into one that commanded a view out the front and across Pennsylvania Avenue to the White House.

“Jack and Evelyn, it appears no one has any real choices here,” I said. “Personally, I don’t know much about raising kids but Elizabeth and I have a high interest. Tell us what you need. We’ll set about seeing to it.”

“We need sleep,” Jack started. He held up the little bag of infant supplies the hospital had assembled. “We also need more baby supplies, including formula and diapers and onesies. Baby blankets. A cradle. We had all this prepared at our home, but nothing is here.”

“And clothes,” Evelyn added. “I’m nearly dead on my feet, but I’m frightfully hungry as well. Could we get breakfast?”

“Let’s see what happens,” Elizabeth said. She picked up the phone on the table by the window. A moment later a voice answered.

“Welcome to Blair House, Mr. Adams. How may we help you?” It hadn’t taken long to get the staff informed of who was staying here.

“This is Dr. Smith. I’m ... the nanny. We arrived with limited supplies and have been up all night in transit. Here’s what we need.” She rattled off the list, including breakfast for four. The voice on the other end sounded like these were all typical requests and promised everything within an hour.

“That went well,” I said. “Nanny, eh?” Elizabeth continued to look at the phone as if it weren’t quite real.

“I needed to sound like I was in authority. And they just accepted it.”

“Will you stay with us, Elizabeth? I’m not sure if Lily needs a nanny or that I do. I just know that I’d like you to be near,” Evelyn said. “Jack might need a nanny as well.”

Jack, having spouted out his list of what was needed, had collapsed in a chair and was snoozing with his daughter cuddled against his chest.

“Hmm. Well, I guess that makes me the valet—which is another word for a gentleman’s nanny,” I said. “I need to get word to Ed. He’ll know what I should do next.”

The Smiths and the doctors were still loudly discussing the situation when I slipped into the room and quietly moved our overnight bags to the bedroom next to the Adams family. I got my laptop and returned to the master bedroom without being noticed.

I was listening for the knock at the door to get to room service before the agents could get in the way. Ms. Smith MIB still reached it first, looked out the peephole, and pulled the door open.

“Right this way, please,” I said before she could ask what the porters wanted. “We’ll take breakfast in the front bedroom. All the supplies go there as well. Please be quiet as possible. The baby is sleeping.”

Three porters pushed their way through the room as the doctors and agents stared at the clothing, supplies, cradle, and trolley of food that disappeared through the door.

“Why do they get breakfast and not us?” Dr. Ulman demanded. For the first time since I’d encountered the agents, Ms. Smith MIB laughed.

“Probably because they settled in and ordered it instead of arguing with their hosts. You could be doing the same thing,” she said.

The porters left and the doctors immediately started arguing over the telephone.

“Ba-da-da-dum. Ba-da-da-dum. The Adams Family. This is Dr. Smith,” Elizabeth answered the phone when it rang. “Yes, sir. Of course.” She turned a quizzical look on Jack. “Jack, it’s for you.” She looked like she was suppressing a laugh. We had no idea who would have this number or know we were here. The agents had left, promising the doctors they would be returned to their homes as soon as it could be expedited. The suite had been deathly quiet all afternoon. Jack took the phone.

“Hello?”

“Congratulations on the birth of your new child,” the voice said. “I want you to know the entire nation is celebrating young Lilibeth’s birth. And we have big plans for you, son. Very big plans. Probably the biggest plans we’ve ever made.”

“Who is this?”

“Jack, this is President Muffley. I’m taking time out of my busy day—very busy in the Oval Office, you know—to extend my congratulations. We’ve planned a little press conference for you here at the White House. After that’s done, you’ll be escorted to the Lincoln bedroom where my daughter will be waiting for you to reenact your miraculous conception. Once that’s done, you’ll have a line of pussy around the world waiting for you. It’s a great day for America.”

“Uh ... No.”

“Now don’t worry about a thing. We’re getting experts here to help you keep the equipment in top condition. The rest of us can only envy you. You have a good day now and we’ll get started right tomorrow.”

“No!” Jack shouted at the dial tone. “No,” he whimpered.

“No what, Jack?” I asked.

“No, I’m not going to sleep with the president’s daughter. Or anyone else! I’m married. I have a wife and a baby. I’m not going to start sleeping around on her just because I have sperm,” Jack was becoming more and more agitated. “I won’t do it. I’ll cut off my own junk before I start standing stud in the president’s stable. I’ll...”

“Easy, Jack. Easy. There has to be some mistake here. They can’t make you sleep with anyone. But have you seen the president’s daughter?”

“Hasn’t everyone? She made a sex tape the day she turned eighteen,” Elizabeth said. “Now just be calm, Jack. They can’t make you sleep with anyone.”

“Please, Jack?” Evelyn called. “Lily and I need to be held. Won’t you come to bed, honey?” We took that as our cue to leave the family alone for a while.