Fifteen

“TONY!” DAMON YELLED into my ear. I held the phone away slightly. I’d surprised the boys by calling to read them a bedtime story over the phone. “Did you go away?” he asked.

“Just for a while, buddy,” I explained. “I needed to come and visit my mommy and daddy.”

“Meddy is with Gramma Lexi,” Drew supplied. He was already sounding more grown up than when I left him.

“When you coming home, Tony?” Damon asked. “We miss you.” I almost broke down crying.

“Soon, buddy. Soon.”

I’d been home for almost two weeks and the dark clouds of depression were weighing on me. Everything in my room seemed slightly foreign and juvenile to me, from the little twin bed to the art posters, to my desk and model airplanes I’d made as a child. The only thing that seemed right was my easel on which stood my latest painting.

I’d worked slowly on the oil painting. It wasn’t dry yet, but I kept a cloth over it, held away so it didn’t touch the wet paint. I wasn’t ready for my parents to accidentally walk in and see it. Still, I could see clearly in my mind’s eye what was on that canvas.

I’d gone through my parents’ music collections and ripped all their Broadway musical CDs. Then I’d started on opera. I’d never been a great fan of opera, but the aria that Allison had sung still rang in my ears and I needed to find out if there was more than that. I spent too much time trying to understand what was going on in the story if I listened to operas in English. German operas seemed harsh to me. But the French and Italian operas just took me away and dropped me in a different world. I didn’t understand anything that was going on in them, and I didn’t care.

I didn’t spend long periods of time in my zone while I was painting. There’s a surprising amount you can do without losing yourself, and my parents did want a coherent son home for a visit. By this time, I’d shown them photos of the mural and my paintings from the year. It’s great to have a digital camera. I just load all the pictures on my computer and set up a slide show. Of course, Dad wanted me to transfer it all to his computer so they could show all their friends.

I also showed them the letter from Bob Bowers. It was the first time I’d shown it to anyone. Melody, Lissa, and Lexi all knew what was in it since they’d heard Jack read it to me, but it didn’t feel right to share it with anyone else, at least not until I’d shown it to Mom and Dad.

Being back in Nebraska, though, had a damping effect on my attitude.

“You would not believe what he pulled,” Melody said as we held our nightly three-way chat. We’d also had enough text messages that I’d had to change my phone plan so I didn’t get charged an arm and a leg. “He set me up on a blind date! We went out to dinner and Ricky, this boy I had a crush on in high school, came up to us in the restaurant to say hi out of the blue. Dad asked him to join us and then had a sudden mysterious phone call and said he had to leave. He asked Ricky if he’d mind taking me home. He left me stranded at Legal Sea Foods with a boy I hardly knew.”

“I thought you said you had a crush on him,” I said, laughing.

“From afar! He was a jock and I did not even speak to jocks in high school. But he does have beautiful eyes, and...” she sighed.

“So what happened?” Lissa asked.

“Oh we just talked over dinner and then I asked him to take me home. He starts in on this spiel about how he always thought I was the cutest in class and he was too shy to ask me out. Right. Like I believed him,” Melody huffed.

“I was too shy to ask you out,” I said. “You were my secret crush.”

“Tony! You never noticed me.”

“Did too! Promise.”

“Oh, come on, you two. I want to know what happened. Did you do anything? Secret crush, there in your arms, beautiful eyes,” Lissa sighed as if this wasn’t our lover we were talking to.

“Well ... um ... he ... we kissed. But I didn’t like it. Too much. I told him not to call me again.” Melody ended.

“Meddy, you know nobody’s telling you not to have any fun while you are out there,” I said. “We know you love us.” I wasn’t completely convinced that I meant what I said, but damn it, it was hard being separated from our lovers. I wouldn’t mind a nice kiss about now.

We chatted on until Melody was yawning so often that we all said goodnight and went to sleep. I wondered as I drifted off why I wasn’t as willing to let my lovers have other relationships as they were for me. I had to work on that.

I met a couple friends for a burger and fries, and it seemed like we were in different worlds. I didn’t mention my living arrangements and my girlfriends.

I spent a couple of hours a day at the local Y where I learned to play racquetball, but I didn’t pick up any matches. I just went onto the court and beat myself silly, looking for the zone that was proving so elusive to me since I’d been back in Nebraska. My former instructor came by and complimented me on my progress, but I didn’t feel like I was performing anywhere near my peak, even when Dad came over to play one day. I needed Lissa.

It seemed strange that no one ever asked me if I had a girlfriend, but I guess I was a little relieved. I just didn’t think anyone here would understand—assuming anyone believed it. Classmates who knew me for years still thought I wasn’t really attracted to girls. The fact was that I’d been so afraid of them I couldn’t even talk to a girl.

All except one. My best friend was a girl. She was funny and outgoing and had tons of friends, but never a boyfriend. I was welcome to hang around whenever she was with a group, whether it was with boys or girls or both. But she didn’t date any more than I did. My few attempts were bumbling at best.

As for Beth, it might have been her weight that kept her from dating. I don’t know. She was just my friend and I didn’t really care about whether she was overweight. That bubbling personality always brightened my day. So when Mom called me to the phone Friday afternoon, I was really pleased to hear it was Beth.