Chapter 9: Ineffable, Inconceivable, Invisible, and Incomprehensible

June 19, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

On Tuesday evening I played chess with Grace and I won with the black pieces, but we both won with orgasms afterwards. Grace hadn't come up with any rules variations, but she promised to think about it. When I got back to the dorms, Clarissa was with Jocelyn and Dona, and the four of us went to my room to hang out. Just after 9:00pm, the phone rang, and I jumped up to answer it.

"Mike, it's Hannah."

"Have you heard from Maggie?"

"No. There are two cruisers from the Sheriff's Department in the driveway. I went over earlier today, but nobody was home."

"Or didn't answer?"

"Both cars were gone, and I didn't see anyone moving in the house from my window."

"Did they come home?"

"At least her dad did. I haven't seen her mom's car."

"Weird. I take it nobody else has heard anything?"

"No. I talked to Valerie, Violet, Mindy, Emmy, and Liz. Nobody has heard from her. We all went out to dinner today at A&W. The cruisers were here when I got back."

"How is everyone?"

"Good. Your sister said she met someone. I guess he's the night manager at the motel?"

"Yes. She told me about him. And everyone else?"

"Good. Violet asked me to say 'Hi' and that if you were lonely, she'd be happy to help! Me too!"

"I appreciate the sentiment, but we need to focus on Maggie."

"I'm looking out the windows now and I see Maggie's mom's car now, but I can't see if anyone is in the passenger seat because the house and a tree are blocking my view. Wait! I see Maggie! Maybe we'll get to the bottom of this. I guess they just went inside."

"Call me back if you hear anything, please."

"I will."

I hung up and went back to the couch to sit next to Dona. Clarissa and Jocelyn were sitting on the other couch.

"Well?"

"Hannah was out to dinner with their little gang, and when she came home, the Sheriff's Deputies were at Maggie's house. I'm guessing they went in response to Mary Elbert calling them. Hannah said she saw Maggie, who was with her mom, so maybe we'll get this sorted out."

"What do you think happened?" Dona asked.

I shrugged, "I have no idea. I can't imagine an Air Force Colonel holding his adult daughter prisoner. That would get him in far more trouble than my phone call."

We hung out for another thirty minutes, and then we walked Clarissa back to Doctor Blahnik's house. When Jocelyn, Dona, and I returned to the dorm, I heard my phone ringing. I hurriedly unlocked the door, went into the room, and snatched up the handset.

"Mike Loucks."

"Mike, it's Hannah."

"What's up?"

"I just talked to Maggie."

"And?"

"She claimed that the Air Force investigators showed her pictures of you with two girls. What's going on?"

"«Сукин сын» (sukin syn)!" I sighed. "How bad is this?" ("son of a bitch")

"What did he say?" I heard Dona whisper.

"No idea, we need Clarissa," I heard Jocelyn whisper back.

"She never wants to speak to you again. I tried to talk her into letting you explain because I'm sure there's a good explanation. You have lots of female friends, so I can't imagine what the problem might be, especially after she said it was OK for us to be together."

I could. I had no idea when they had followed me or when they had taken pictures, but trading cars with Grace and driving to her house would be more than sufficient, and if they saw me together with Dona or with Elizaveta at church. Or it could have been me visiting Tasha or me and Jocelyn.

"Is she coming back to McKinley?"

"I don't know. She said she hadn't decided. Mike, can you come here? Maybe I can get her to talk to you."

"It's too late tonight, obviously, and tomorrow I have work and church, and Thursday is a funeral. I could probably come on Thursday evening. Try to talk to her tomorrow and call me, OK? Sometime after 8:30pm?"

"I will. I'll try, Mike."

"Thanks," I replied.

We said 'goodbye', and I hung up.

"What happened?" Jocelyn asked.

"I'm not completely sure, but supposedly, the Air Force investigators showed her pictures of me with two girls. Hannah doesn't know who because Maggie didn't tell her."

"You ONLY hang out with girls right now!" Jocelyn protested. "I mean, she knew about Clarissa, Tasha, and me."

"But not directly about Dona or my chess games with Grace."

"And she's not going to let you explain?" Dona asked. "I made THAT mistake, and if I'd let him explain and listen, things might have gone very differently. There's no way she can know I've spent the night, just that we've played mini golf."

"There is one way she could know," Jocelyn said. "Kelly."

"Kelly?" I asked.

"How did they know where you worked? Maggie's parents didn't know, obviously. Did you tell any of her friends?"

"Emmy and Liz know, but nobody else. Well, my parents, obviously, and others, but not anyone Maggie would talk to."

"I bet you anything they came here because they knew you were at Taft, talked to her, and she told them. It's the only thing that makes sense."

"«Говно»! (gavno)" I sighed.

"That one I know," Jocelyn said with a smile. "It means 'shit'. What was the other one, Mike?"

"«Сукин сын» (sukin syn) — 'son of a bitch'."

"You were going to break up with her, right?" Dona asked.

"Yes, but I feel I failed her because I believe she believed that I was, well, behaving, I guess."

"But you guys weren't steady or exclusive anything, right?"

"Right."

"And she knew that, right?"

I nodded, "Yes, she did."

"Then I'm missing how you did anything wrong," Dona said firmly. "And why you think you need to explain anything to her. Are you going to apologize for doing something that was OK based on your relationship? I mean, you were fooling around during this past year, right? So why apologize when you weren't wrong?"

"She has a point," Jocelyn said. "And with whatever story those Air Force guys concocted, unless you can honestly deny the accusations and are willing to not just take Maggie back but commit to her, nothing you say is going to matter in the future, at least as I see it."

"That sentence should be taken out and shot!" I chuckled.

"Sorry, I was trying to think and talk at the same time!"

"I hope they teach that in law school because if they don't, you are in deep sneakers, Miss Mills!"

Jocelyn laughed, "I had a professor at Purdue who said 'deep kimchee' — that's Korean pickled vegetables."

Dona laughed, "My dad would say that. He was an artillery forward observer in Korea. He'd go out into no man's land with binoculars and a rifle and call in artillery strikes."

"There's a guy at my old church who was a 'tunnel rat' in Viet Nam. He would carry a pistol, or explosives, into the tunnels or sometimes even carry a flamethrower to chase the Việt Cộng. He saw quite a few of his platoon killed during his tour. He was an atheist when he went into those tunnels, and he said that becoming Orthodox was the only thing that allowed him to sleep at night."

"We kind of got off track, Mike," Jocelyn said, "but I don't think you should go to see Maggie. Just let it go. There is really nothing you can do, given you intended to break things off with her."

"I hope you don't mind if I talk to Clarissa about this."

Jocelyn smiled, "I'd be surprised if you didn't."

June 20, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

"I think Jocelyn is right," Clarissa said as we headed to the church for Vespers.

"I know, but I still feel like a complete cad."

"Let's analyze this, and I think you'll see that Maggie might actually be crazier than Angie!"

"Lissa..." I sighed.

"Think, Petrovich! You fucked Maggie's two closest friends, and that, THAT was OK! You played chess and mini golf with two other girls, and that wasn't OK? Even add in Elizaveta kissing your cheek, and I have to ask — does Maggie's reaction sound like the reaction of a sane person?"

"Those first two were sanctioned," I said. "And you know it's more than mini golf with Dona."

"But Maggie doesn't! Even if Kelly told the investigators Dona was sleeping in your room, basically the entire WORLD knows I was sleeping in your room regularly. I'm pretty sure she knew about that."

"I think so, yes."

"She's not reacting rationally," Clarissa said firmly. "Add in the fact you intended to break up with her, and I see no value in you going to see her. If you want absolution, go to confession. You don't need it from Maggie, and I think the only way you could get it would be to sleep with her, and THAT would commit you to a course of action you've already rejected."

"I still feel guilty," I protested.

"About Maggie? Or about Dona and Grace? I think your REAL issue right now is that you broke your own vow of chastity, one which I do not think you should have made, and you're blaming yourself for doing that and causing the problems with Maggie. May I be blunt?"

"That wasn't blunt?" I asked.

"I think you made a mistake with Jocelyn and should have stayed with her until the end of the Summer."

"But I wanted her to meet someone like Bill, just as I wanted you to meet someone like Abby! That said, I do feel uneasy about both Dona and Grace."

"Because in your heart, you've already decided on Lara, assuming she'll have you. And if she won't, you'll turn your attention to Elizaveta. And THAT is why you feel uncomfortable, not Maggie. Maggie hasn't been real for months. She's basically a product of you giving her your word when her dad grounded her and you feel guilty for giving her the books and the prayer rope, which caused her to be grounded."

"I do feel bad about that. Had I not done that, things would have been OK."

"Would they? Something else could have triggered it. And you know full well you needed her to be Orthodox before you could even think about a permanent relationship. Honestly, you should have stuck to Orthodox girls. I include Angie in that list because it took her about five seconds to become Orthodox, and she's been faithful even through her struggles."

"The message was loud and clear after the situation with April, but I missed it."

"You thought you could get anyone to convert to Orthodoxy, Mike. And I will say you've been a far better evangelist by just being you than that idiot who haunts the campus on Saturdays. That said, YOU need someone truly Orthodox, not someone who converts simply to be with you. Again, I think Angie was different, but you had difficulties with Janey, who you dated after she converted. You probably could have made it work with Jocelyn because of your deep, lifelong relationship, but you need someone like Tasha or Elizaveta. Lara is a bit of a special case, but she seems to have melded right back in."

We arrived at church, which caused an interruption in the conversation and which gave me time to think as we celebrated the Vespers service. Once it finished, everyone headed to the funeral home for the wake, as well as the Pannikhída. Deacon Grigory was in an open casket, dressed in his vestments, something that was highly symbolic but also somewhat disconcerting. Funerals were so rare in my life that I wasn't quite sure what to think about the idea of an open casket.

I spent a few minutes talking with Vladyka ARKADY and paid proper respects to Matushka Anastasia and John, as well as Deacon Grigory's mother, who lived in Cleveland, and his brother, who lived in Richmond, Virginia. I had a brief word with Father Herman and a somewhat uncomfortable word with Deacon Vasily, who seemed to be biting his tongue the entire time. Clarissa and I spent some time talking to Liz and my parents and grandparents as well. Liz didn't say anything about Maggie, but I knew I needed to talk to her.

When Clarissa and I finally arrived back at the dorm, I called Hannah despite the late hour. She let me know that Maggie wasn't budging on not talking to me, which made it easier to tell her I wasn't going to drive to West Monroe on Thursday evening. I asked if Maggie was coming back to McKinley, and Hanah said she didn't know. I did ask her to have Maggie call me, though I didn't hold out a lot of hope that she would.

I ended the call, and then Clarissa and I left the dorm so I could walk her to Doctor Blahnik's house.

"Just let it drop," Clarissa said. "That really is the best course of action. Nothing you can do will make her less upset."

"What you said before — about someone who converts just to be with me — did that include you?"

Clarissa laughed, "Lesbian to straight?"

"Not what I meant, but it actually does make the point because it would have been forced, and who knows what problems might arise down the line."

"Exactly, Mike. I think you need someone who is what I heard Father Nicholas call 'cradle Orthodox'. Again, Angie is the exception. I know we keep mentioning her, but nobody, and I mean nobody has come close to what you had with her. And it developed naturally because your timeframe was, at that point, years down the road."

"Attending church seems to help her greatly," I replied. "There haven't been any formal studies done, but there are anecdotal reports that combining therapy, medication, and church shows better results in some people. And Angie is responding to that combination of treatments. Fundamentally, whatever Angie's altered reality is, going to church helps her."

"Just as it does you, Petrovich. Going to church refreshes and rejuvenates you and acts as an antidepressant. No matter how bad your mood is, just going into the building helps improve it. It's the place where you seek refuge from the world. The traditions and rituals ground you and let you deal with a, pardon the expression, crazy world. You even tell time by it, for Pete's sake!"

"I know, and that makes me wonder if that's what kept Angie stable between her two incidents until her condition became severe enough that medication was required. It's something I'm going to have to ask Doctor Mercer about."

"You still love Angie, don't you?"

"I don't even know how to begin to answer that question, Lissa. I suppose the shortest possible answer is 'yes', but it's more complicated than that."

"Because you don't know who she really is."

"That's a big part of it," I agreed, "Was I in love with the idea of Angie? I certainly was in love with the idea of Tasha, but it turns out I don't feel the way I thought I did about her. I can't even be sure exactly what it was I felt about Jocelyn. I know I loved her, but that word is so loaded with meaning and so overused that it's become somewhat useless. Even the most common Greek words for love — «érōs», «philia», and «agápē» don't seem to have sufficient depth of meaning to describe my relationships with Jocelyn, Angie, and you.

"Even if I just think about you, to say 'I love you' doesn't even come close to doing justice to how I feel about you, how you're part of my life — no, how you're part of me. I know 'soulmate' is supposed to refer to your perfect marriage partner, but that's you and me. And even then, the words do not do justice to the relationship. It's beyond words, or to borrow from the anaphora of the Divine Liturgy without being blasphemous — 'ineffable, inconceivable, invisible, incomprehensible, ever existing'."

"Can't be spoken, can't be thought of, can't be seen, can't be understood, yet always there."

I nodded, "Exactly. Or, to put it succinctly, words cannot do it justice, whether spoken or unspoken. I know that phrase is talking about God, but it succinctly describes what Jocelyn and I had and what you and I have."

"Not to throw everything into complete chaos, but are biological kids SO important to you that you couldn't be with Jocelyn?"

"That turned out to be a smokescreen," I replied. "It was the breaking of faith that was the real problem. I can't tell you how I would have reacted had she been honest with me from the start, but I simply couldn't deal with the fact that she hid something so important from me."

"Severing the link between your souls, or to put it in your typical way, the 'Vulcan mind meld' ended and can't be restored. And that didn't happen with me because we've been completely open and upfront about literally everything."

I nodded, "I was the first person you came out to, and I think the trust you put in me cemented that bond, and having learned from my past mistakes, I was determined never to keep anything from you and never to mislead you. Total, complete, frank honesty. A complete giving of myself to you with nothing hidden or held back. And, as I think about it, that is why you could make love with me. In fact, it's why you HAD to make love to me — a total, complete giving of yourself to me."

"Yes," Clarissa agreed. "Sleeping naked together, even when we weren't lovers, was symbolic of the complete baring of our souls to each other. If we could be naked, in bed, cuddling, and it wasn't about sex, we could do anything together."

"I'm not sure if I should shake my fist at God for making me male or for making you lesbian."

"And yet, I don't think we'd be where we are if either of us were different people. As you said, 'Petrovich and Lissa' is something very, very special, and it depends on you being 'Petrovich' and me being 'Lissa'. Whatever plans God has for us, or the universe, or Fate, or whatever, it's grounded in the concept of 'Petrovich and Lissa', which is only possible because you ARE Petrovich, and I AM Lissa."

We reached Doctor Blahnik's house, and Clarissa and I hugged tightly for a few minutes before she went inside, and I headed back to campus, taking a slightly longer route than normal to allow the full weight of our conversation to sink in.

When I arrived back at the dorm, there was a note on my board from Dona asking me to let her know when I returned, so I went down to the room she shared with Jos. I chatted for a bit with Jocelyn, and then Dona and I went back to my room.

"I want to do something different," I said as we got into bed.

"What?" Dona asked.

"Let me teach you to slow dance," I said.

June 21, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

On Thursday morning, I slipped out of bed, put on my running clothes, and went out for my usual morning jog around the campus. Similar to going to church, my morning runs provided a recharge despite the expenditure of energy. I found that on days I didn't run, my head wasn't as clear, and my mind wasn't as sharp, and I decided that rather than just running five days a week, I'd switch to running all seven.

When I returned to my room after my run, Dona was still there, which was out of the ordinary.