Chapter 8: Matters of the Heart

June 17, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

"I'm going to break things off with Maggie tomorrow," I said after Clarissa, Jocelyn, and I arrived at Tasha's apartment for our usual Sunday dinner.

"What?!" Jocelyn exclaimed. "I thought you were going to take the Summer."

"I've thought a lot about it, talked with Tasha, talked with Clarissa, and had a short talk with Doctor Blahnik. Basically, I let my promise to Maggie cause me to ignore the reality of the situation."

"Lara?" Jocelyn asked.

"It's actually more about what's not there with Maggie than anything else. I realized last night that whatever spark we had died in the year she's been under what amounts to house arrest. I like her, but not enough for this to work."

"What brought this on?"

"Elizaveta staked her claim," Tasha interjected, "and after Mischa and I talked, he reëvaluated his options. I still think he's going to be with Lara, but now he has a REAL option."

"What did she say?" Clarissa asked.

"She took me to task for never asking any of the girls out after Katy left for California," I replied. "She basically accused me of treating them as if there was something wrong with them because I kept bringing outside girls, non-Orthodox girls mostly, to church. She has a legitimate point, though I didn't agree to do anything except talk with her, which I did at lunch today."

Jocelyn laughed, "She waited until Maggie was out of town to pounce! I'm curious, what was her argument?"

"She reeled off her skills — cooking, baking, keeping house, child care, sewing, and so on, plus made it clear she knows what it means to be the wife of a doctor and a deacon, and pointed out that her parents' house has a cottage which would be big enough for us to start a family."

"It sounds like she felt she had one shot and had to get it all out there!" Jocelyn said.

"She's been eyeing Mike for the better part of a year, if not longer," Clarissa added. "But she has one major impediment which she can't really overcome except by time — she's a Sophomore in High School."

"Robbing the cradle?" Jocelyn teased.

"Lara just turned seventeen," I replied. "And yes, I know what I've said in the past, but I'm not discounting Elizaveta. I can safely talk with her at church on Sundays, and if needs be, I can delay my ordination."

"So Lara is still your first choice?" Jocelyn asked. "With Elizaveta as a backup, if you will?"

"I suppose that's the case, so yes."

"Dona didn't sleep in her room last night."

"And you want me to say that she didn't sleep in my room, either?!" I chuckled.

"You took my advice?" Clarissa asked.

"Yes. And unless you or Jocelyn object, Dona will be my date on Friday for our triple date."

"No objection," Clarissa said.

"Me either," Jocelyn agreed. "Tasha, how are things going with Nikolas?"

"I'm having lunch at his house with him and his parents on Saturday."

"Your first date is lunch with his parents?" Jocelyn asked.

"As I said to Mischa, this must be done properly. If he were to decide to court Elizaveta, it would be the same. His first date, if you will, would be with her and her family. Mischa and I had some leeway and were allowed to have our first date alone, though he was at my house for dinner very soon after. In fact, given Elizaveta is only fifteen, he would probably only have supervised dates with her until she was at least sixteen."

"To prevent accidental coupling?" Clarissa teased.

Tasha laughed softly and said, "Yes!"

"Maggie is going to be very upset," Jocelyn said.

That was an understatement if there ever was one, but I really didn't see any way around it. In the end, time hadn't made MY heart grow fonder but had caused the relationship, such as it was, to wither. That had happened with Becky as well. We'd tried to keep it going, but my feelings for her had faded. If we had been able to see each other regularly, things might have been different, but they weren't.

Dale and I had grown apart a bit, too. It wasn't that he wasn't my friend or even that he wasn't a close friend — he was both of those. But our lives had diverged enough that the relationship wasn't the same. That said, if, by some miracle, he were to move back to the area, I was reasonably sure we'd rekindle that old relationship because it had been much, much deeper than any other relationship except for mine with Jocelyn.

That one had been tested by so many other things that the distance to Purdue was actually less of a concern than it otherwise might have been. My biggest fear for her going away was that it would cause exactly the same change in our relationship as Dale's leaving had caused in my relationship with him. The past year had been difficult, but we'd worked through it, and now she was back.

But Maggie was different because we had never formed a deep bond. I'd had, in fact, a deeper bond with Becky than I did with Maggie. I'd had a deeper bond with Angie, too, and truth be told, I had stronger feelings for Angie than I did Maggie. There was nothing to do about those, really, given Angie's condition and prognosis, but thinking about her made me realize even more that I was making a mistake with Maggie.

The point that really drove that home to me was telling Maggie that sex was basically off the table until at least engagement, if not our wedding night. I knew, deep in my heart, even if I couldn't necessarily express it, that something was missing with her, and despite being physically attracted to her, I felt sex was crossing a line which I shouldn't cross because I wasn't sure I could ever make the commitment to her.

"I know," I replied. "But the longer this goes on, the worse it's going to be. My mistake was trying to keep it alive after her dad interfered and refused to budge. I kind of felt things dwindling, but I ignored those feelings, and now I'm going to hurt Maggie. But I think that's enough about this for now. What should I get Sasha for a wedding present?"

"Honestly?" Tasha replied. "A Sears gift certificate would be best. I'm not sure what they're going to need when they get their own place, but at the moment, they'll have everything they need at my parents' house."

"That's easy enough," I said.

"What if the three of us chip in?" Jocelyn asked. "You, Clarissa, and me?"

"Sounds good to me," I said.

"Same here," Clarissa agreed.

"Are either of you bringing dates?"

"I'm not sure it's a good idea to bring Abby at this point," Clarissa said.

"Ditto for Bill," Jocelyn said.

"I will be bringing Nikolas," Tasha said. "What will you do, Mike?"

"Resolve the situation with Maggie and take it from there. I'll probably be asked to serve, anyway, so it's not as if I'd be standing in the nave with a date."

The phone rang, and Tasha got up to answer it. She looked surprised, then turned.

"Subdeacon, it's for you. Father Nicholas."

Now, I was surprised. I got up and went over to the phone.

"Yes, Father?" I said.

"Subdeacon, I'm sorry to disturb your Sunday meal, but Deacon Grigory was taken by ambulance to Moore Memorial Hospital."

"Lord have Mercy! Bad?"

"Very. Are you able to meet me at the hospital?"

"Yes, of course. I'll leave now, get my cassock, and be there in less than fifteen minutes."

"Thank you."

We said 'goodbye', and I hung up.

"Deacon Grigory was taken to the hospital," I said. "Father says it's not good."

"Oh, no!" Tasha gasped. "Go, Subdeacon!"

"Do you need me, Petrovich?" Clarissa asked.

"I wouldn't mind the company, if Tasha doesn't mind. My cassock is in my car, so we just need to walk to the car, not go into the dorm."

"I don't mind, Clarissa," Tasha said. "I haven't started cooking. Jocelyn and I can spend time together."

"Go, Mik!" Jocelyn said.

I hugged Tasha and Jocelyn, and then Clarissa and I left her apartment. I bounded down the stairs, with Clarissa following close behind, and walked as quickly as possible to the dorm parking lot. I unlocked the doors, we got in and headed for the hospital, which was only a couple of minutes away by car. I kept the car right at the speed limit, we made both traffic lights in town, and twelve minutes later we were at the hospital. I jumped from the car, donned my cassock, and locked the car. Clarissa followed me as I walked quickly into the ER.

I saw Matushka Anastasia and Deacon Grigory's son, John, sitting on a small couch. She had obviously been crying, and John was comforting her.

"Good afternoon, Matushka Anastasia," I said. "Hi, John. Is there any word?"

"No," John replied. "They're working on him."

"May I ask what happened?"

"A heart attack, I think. The paramedics had to use their defibrillator on him."

"Is there anything you need?" I asked.

"Just prayers, for now, Subdeacon."

I nodded, then Clarissa and I sat down in chairs close to them to await any word. About five minutes later, the Sokolovs and Doctor Evgeni arrived, followed about a minute later by Father Nicholas. I got up, and after he had spoken with Matushka Anastasia, I asked for and received his blessing. He then took Doctor Evgeni and me aside to speak.

"What do you think, Evgeni Vladimirovich?" Father Nicholas asked.

"From what John said, either he suffered full arrest or had ventricular fibrillation. To be direct, the first is routinely fatal; the second is fatal if not caught in time. I would guess, based on the fact they are still working on him, he was found in V-fib after another heart attack. I've explained to you, Father, how weak his heart is."

Father Nicholas nodded, "You have."

"And, Father, the survival rates for V-fib outside the hospital are very, very low, less than 10%. Even in the hospital, they are well under 50%."

"Doctor Evgeni," I asked, "did anyone do CPR?"

"John did. I personally trained him for just such a situation. If Deacon Grigory survives, it will be because of that. But remember the statistics I gave you."

"Father, I see a doctor coming," I said.

Father Nicholas turned and hurried over to where Matushka Anastasia and John were sitting.

"I know that look," Doctor Evgeni said quietly. "If he takes them into that room over there, and I suspect he will, it means Deacon Grigory has reposed."

True to what Doctor Evgeni said, the ER doctor took Matushka Anastasia, John, and Father Nicholas into a small consultation room. Mr. and Mrs. Sokolov hurried over to where we were standing.

"Doctor Evgeni, do you think..." Mr. Sokolov asked.

"Yes, Lord have mercy, I think so."

A few minutes later, the door of the consultation room opened, and the doctor walked out. Doctor Evgeni went to speak to him, and John came out of the consultation room looking grim. He walked over to us.

"My father passed about five minutes ago. His heartbeat was irregular when he arrived, and treatments did not work."

"I'm very sorry, Ivan Grigorevich," Doctor Evgeni said. "Memory eternal."

"Memory eternal," I said.

"Memory eternal," Mr. and Mrs. Sokolov also said.

"Thank you, Doctor; thank you, Subdeacon; thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Sokolov."

"John, do you know if Father Nicholas called Vladyka ARKADY?" I asked.

"He said he called before he left the house."

"Go to your mother, Ivan Grigorevich," Doctor Evgeni said.

He nodded and turned back towards the consultation room. I excused myself and went to Clarissa.

"He died about ten minutes ago," I said quietly.

"I guessed from what happened. What's next?"

"A funeral service and burial. The church cemetery has plots available, which I expect them to use, though he may have made other arrangements."

"Always burial? Never cremation?"

"Too symbolic of the fires of hell," I replied, "though the Church grants «ekonomia» to the faithful in Japan where cremation is legally mandated by the government."

"As hidebound as your church seems, it's also extremely cognizant of the world around it and makes accommodations where it can reasonably do so. It's an odd dichotomy."

"The church has seen pretty much everything in the past 2000 years and usually comes to a proper solution which fulfills our goal of being in the world but not of the world, with a goal of making everything holy and bringing everything into union with God. Despite how it seems, the goal of healing of soul and body nearly always outweighs tradition."

"How do the memorial services work?"

"Generally, they are the 3rd, 9th, and 40th day, and then the one-year anniversary. So we'll do the first one following Vespers on Wednesday. Father will very likely schedule a special Vespers service on the 26th, which would be the 9th day, and the memorial service would follow Vespers. Forty days would be, uhm, the 26th of July, I think. The funeral itself will probably be Thursday morning."

"Do you have black vestments?"

I shook my head, "We wear white for funerals because it's the color of the Resurrection. At one point in Russia, it became usual to wear black, but we've returned to the older tradition. The Carpatho-Russian parishes, the ones who used to be Uniate, they still wear black."

"Uniate?"

"A long story, but at one point, some churches signed a concordat with Rome. Many of those returned to Orthodoxy at the urging of Father Alexis Toth, who, I suspect, will someday be Saint Alexis. He's buried at St. Tikhon's Orthodox Monastery in South Canaan, Pennsylvania."

"Is the funeral a liturgy, the way it is for Catholics?"

"No. It's basically a modified Matins service. The traditions for what exactly is done vary by parish, and I've never been to a funeral in this parish. Usually, the coffin is placed in the center of the church, open, and an icon is placed in the hands of the departed. In this case, it will be of Saint Gregory of Nyssa, one of the Cappadocian Fathers. They made major contributions to the definition of the Trinity finalized at the First Council of Constantinople and to the final version of the Nicene Creed, which that council approved."

"How DO you remember all this stuff?"

"Lissa, do you listen to the hymns and readings about the saints in church?"

"Sure."

"Consider I've heard them year-in and year-out for twenty-one years, and I read the lives of the saints commemorated each day when I do my morning prayers."

"I see Father Nicholas coming out of the consultation room."

We walked over to join the small group.

"I'm going to do the prayers for after the departure of the soul with Matushka and John," Father Nicholas said. "Miloslava, would you begin calling the ladies of the parish, please?"

"Yes, of course, Father," Mrs. Sokolova responded. "Right away!"

"Subdeacon, would you get in touch with the choir director and lead chanter? Let them know the funeral service is going to be Thursday morning at 9:00am at the parish, with the burial in the parish cemetery immediately afterwards. I also need you to ensure everything is prepared. Alexey Ivanovich, I assume you will give Subdeacon Michael the day off?"

"Yes, of course, Father," Mr. Sokolov replied. "I'll have someone cover his shift."

"Unless you need something now, Father," I said. "I'll head to the church and ensure we have everything we need. If not, I can arrange to get anything we need from the church supply store in Pittsburgh by Wednesday."

"Thank you all," Father Nicholas said. "Oh, Subdeacon, please take Deacon Grigory's white vestments to the dry cleaner tomorrow, if you would. They'll do them overnight for us."

"I'll get them when I go to the church."

"Good."

I asked for and received his blessing, and then Clarissa and I left the hospital. We headed straight to the church, where I went to Father's office and retrieved a three-ring binder which listed everything we'd need for each service, then went to the chanter's stand and selected the correct liturgical book, and then Clarissa and I sat down at a table in the church hall so I could go over the order of service and the list of liturgical items.

"The only thing I think we're potentially short on are congregational candles," I said five minutes later. "I don't think we restocked those after Pascha. But those I can get from the Roman Catholic supply store in Columbus. I'll drive up tomorrow right after work if necessary."

"What about your talk with Maggie?"

"I think that has to wait, unfortunately."

"A picture of your future life when church has to trump everything but medicine?"

"Pretty much. I need to go to the supply room and see if we have at least a case of congregational candles and the paper drip guards."

We went down the hall to the supply room. I unlocked the door and turned on the light. I found an unopened case of candles and an unopened package of drip guards, which meant I didn't need to make a special trip to get them. I'd place an order on Monday afternoon, and we'd have it in a week, which was sufficient. I turned off the light, locked the door, and put the liturgical book and notebook away. I went to the vestry and retrieved Deacon Grigory's white vestments — sticharion, orar, and epimanikia — folded them, and carried them out to the nave where Clarissa was waiting. We walked out to the parking lot, where I put the vestments in the back seat, then went back to set the alarm and lock the door.