Chapter 65: The Calm Before The Storm

May 22, 1985, McKinley, Ohio

"This is so weird!" Clarissa said when she came to my room on Wednesday morning.

"The calm before the storm!" I replied.

"You mean all the stuff that happens at the end of the week?"

"Yes, but I was actually thinking of medical school! And our last Summer!"

"Isn't that an ABBA song?"

"Yes," I chuckled. "It's about two young lovers who had a last Summer in Paris. Now he's a banker named Harry, is married, has kids, likes soccer, and is boring, but his lover remembers how things were when they were young."

"And just how do YOU know that, Mr. 'I hate ABBA'?!"

"My assignment from Anicka! I was compelled!"

"Uh-huh!"

"It's true! And honestly, I learned some very interesting things comparing the music. For example, if you listen to Our Last Summer you can hear part of a song from Chess during a guitar solo."

"Who plays the guitar?"

"Björn, though he's the one without the beard, which is funny because 'Björn' means 'bear' in Swedish, according to Anicka. Benny plays the keyboards. In this song, the solo is played by Lasse Wellander, a member of their backing band. I only noticed because I was carefully listening to the songs the way we learned in Milena's class."

"Ah, so like the Orthodox hymn at the beginning of the 1812 Overture!"

"Yes, though I'm not sure this was supposed to be discovered. The musical Chess didn't have its premiere until four years after Our Last Summer was released."

"All that from that assignment?"

"I had to write a paper, remember?"

"What else did you discover? You were very careful not to listen to those albums when anyone else was around!"

"I have a reputation to protect!" I insisted.

"Oh, please! You have a Barry Manilow album! I think your reputation can survive having listened to ABBA!"

"Don't be so sure!"

"The one person most likely to give you grief about it is the person from whom you borrowed the albums!"

"She's been nice about it, actually. Shall we have breakfast?"

"Sure. But answer the question."

"That Andersson and Ulvaeus are musical geniuses, just as Doctor Blahnik, sorry, Anicka, said."

"Interesting. Does that mean you'll start liking ABBA?"

"Let's not get crazy now!"

Clarissa laughed and shook her head.

"What are we going to do after breakfast?" she asked when she stopped laughing.

"Be bums until I have to leave for church! We have zero obligations!"

"Which is what is so weird!"

We joined José and Dona for breakfast, and after we finished eating, they headed to exams while Clarissa and I went back to my room to listen to music.

"Why do you seem so calm?" Clarissa asked.

"Because getting married to a beautiful Orthodox girl is what I've wanted from about age fourteen! It's just not the timing I would have expected, but instead was the direct result of Deacon Grigory's repose."

"Repose?"

"That's the usual Orthodox way to refer to someone dying. I'm pretty sure I've used that term before."

"Yes, but I think only in reference to saints."

"Ah, OK. It applies in the general case. You'll hear it in prayers at a funeral service, though I hope the parish has no need for one for a long, long time."

"Going back to being calm; even if you've wanted this, I'd think you'd be at least a bit on edge."

"Why? This is exactly what I want and exactly what I need. Think about my past struggles."

"OK, I'm going to call BULLSHIT on that. You basically committed to chastity and did it with almost no struggle. That tells me you could have done that before, and instead, you elected not to. So I say you're full of shit when you call it a 'struggle'. You liked it and chose to do it, and all that internal angst was just a load of crap!"

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked apprehensively. "Did I hurt you somehow?"

"No," Clarissa said, shaking her head. "But if you could just go 'cold turkey' because Lara asked you to and then stick to it without any apparent trouble, you're fooling yourself about your past behavior and thinking. In fact, I'll prove it."

"I know what you're going to say," I sighed. "And no, I am not going to say I shouldn't have been with you or Milena."

"Hang on! Just those two?"

"The ones who weren't casual didn't have negative outcomes, and I can't say they were wrong in any way."

"Tasha?"

"You're demanding truth, and the truth is that what happened between Tasha and me was pure lust, and we both acknowledged that fact. We fucked because we wanted to and because we could."

"Ignoring the complicated situation with Jocelyn for the moment, what about Becky and Katy?"

"Becky was hurt because I never really gave her a chance. Oh, sure, I had my excuses, but they were just that, excuses. As for Katy, if I had known she was going to break up with me, I wouldn't have had sex with her."

"Right, because her swallowing your cum and you pushing your tongue deep inside her pussy wasn't 'sex'! Try selling that to a girl's dad before you marry her!"

"My behavior was inconsistent with a proper Christian life," I replied.

"But doesn't that include Milena and me?"

I nodded slowly, "In those terms, yes, and that's my true struggle — I can't say it was wrong to make love with either of you, even if it was."

"Shit," Clarissa sighed. "I just managed to tie you in knots when you'd basically come to terms with your past. I'm sorry."

"It's OK to point out my hypocritical behavior," I replied. "I acknowledge it. But I wonder about the accusation that I could have been chaste had I simply wanted to. I'm not sure that was the case. Call it one of the stages of growing up, similar to what I wrote about in the speech I'm going to give on Saturday. The Mike who graduated from High School; the Mike who went through the turmoil with Jocelyn and Liz; the Mike who had nearly two dozen lovers; the Mike who's going to be ordained a deacon after he marries. You've pointed out those stages yourself in various ways and at various times.

"But here's the thing — I know I missed the mark, as it were. I confessed my failures and did as best I could, given who I was at the time. I made excuses for my behavior because I enjoyed what I was doing. But I also had experiences which helped make me who I am today. I'm not saying that the ends justify the means, but I'm not sure I'd be the same person I am without those experiences. In fact, I'm sure I wouldn't. Believe it or not, I'm reasonably satisfied with who I am; that wasn't the case for most of the past four years."

"You really regret Kimiko? And Sandy?"

"I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about them," I sighed. "Well, no, I know how I'm supposed to feel, and I don't feel that way. If you'll pardon the cliché, it's my cross to bear. I totally understand, now, why being chaste before marriage is valuable — it doesn't create the kind of internal struggles I have now."

"Are you turning into a prude?"

I chuckled, "That'll be the day! Remember, I'm only concerned about what I do, not what anyone else does, with the exception of expecting my spouse to remain faithful to me just as I will to her. I know what the Church teaches, and I will teach that as the ideal that it is. But in private, with the right people, I'll do what my mom did with me. And that'll be true with my kids, obviously."

"I didn't mean to attack you."

"You didn't; It was, and is, a legitimate question. One which Father Nicholas and Elizaveta both asked, although not in such stark terms. That was the one area of conflict between Elizaveta and me."

"Once you agreed to her demands!"

I chuckled, "They weren't exactly outrageous! In fact, she got me the only way a fifteen-year-old could — with pure logic! And even then, I wasn't the one who made the decision."

"What am I missing?" Clarissa asked.

"I asked YOU to marry me before I formally asked her."

"Oh, so it's MY fault?!"

"Yes!" I exclaimed with a silly grin. "It's your fault that four days from now, a sexy, naked sixteen-year-old girl, who has just become my wife, is going to beg me to fuck her brains out! Repeatedly!"

Clarissa laughed, "I suppose there's no harm in taking the blame for that!"

"Can I ask why you were so vehement before?"

"I guess I just want you to accept that what you did wasn't wrong, but I fear it's a losing battle."

"That's just it, Lissa. I struggled over all of that because it was wrong and it was right, and the internal conflict was real. Overwrought at times, I'm sure, but it was real. All through High School, I wanted to have sex even though I knew it was wrong. The hormones were that strong. And once I'd sampled the 'forbidden fruit', I didn't want to stop. What I learned about myself is that I DO have the willpower, if I have the right motivation. And I think that's a very important thing to understand about myself.

"That said, I simply can't deny what John writes — 'If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us'. So what do I do? The same thing David did — acknowledge that I've fallen short. 'For I acknowledge my transgressions and my sin is always before me ... Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence, and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me by Your generous Spirit'."

"Confession and repentance."

"Yes. Even if I can't say it was wrong, I can acknowledge that it was falling short of the ideal. One final verse — For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God'. That doesn't excuse it, but it, along with the verses we've talked about before about sin living in us, explain what happened."

"And your sin now?"

"The usual one — pride. In one sense, I should have turned down the opportunity to give the valedictory address."

"No way! I read it. You NEED to give that speech, and people need to hear it. You didn't brag once about yourself in what I read; in fact, quite the opposite! You used your own failings as examples of experiences that helped you grow and learn. Would you say that a great teacher should refuse to teach because they might be proud of what they do?"

"No, but the question is always about motivation — why are they doing it? To puff themselves up? Or for an altruistic reason? And can you REALLY be altruistic? If serving others fulfills your needs, aren't you being selfish by not being selfish?"

"You're making my head hurt!" Clarissa groaned. "I get it, but what you're saying is that nobody has pure motives!"

"Yes. I think that's the human condition."

"That's pretty deep."

"You didn't object when it was deep!" I teased.

Clarissa laughed, "Now THERE is the Mike I know and love!"

"Just because I beat myself up about my own motives and behaviors doesn't mean I'm going to become a moralizing prude! I know how to have fun and enjoy life! That is probably the most important thing I learned in the last four years."

"You didn't mention that in your speech."

"No, because that isn't the point. Most people aren't nearly as uptight and boring as I was when I first arrived on campus."

"No kidding," Clarissa said dryly. "But you know what? There's a reason why you're giving the valedictory speech."

"You mean besides the 4.0 GPA and being in the Honors Program and all the other stuff the Chancellor said?"

"Sorry, that's not what I meant. I meant why YOU are doing it."

"Because the committee selected me!"

"No, you idiot! Because the Chancellor asked you, and you couldn't say 'no' to him any more than you could say 'no' to your bishop! In fact, he's the 'metropolitan', and the Academic Committee is the 'synod'. You are incapable of saying 'no' in that kind of situation. It's your personality. You defer to whomever it is who has authority over you."

"Dean Parker?"

"She wasn't acting in your best interest OR the best interest of the school. That's a big difference."

"You're probably right," I replied.

"You need to be careful about that personality trait."

"Once I'm ordained a deacon, there's no 'careful' about it."

"I understand that; I meant outside the Church."

"Medical school? Isn't that a way to ensure you're at the top of the class? And as a Resident, to ensure you get an Attending position?"

"You're not worried about someone taking advantage of you?"

"I actually EXPECT them to! You've heard the stories about medical students and first-year Residents. The time to push back is after we have our Attending positions. THEN, we can work to change things. Before that? Except for something which harms the patient, we just kind of have to suck it up and do what we're told."

"Sad but true, I guess."

"You're awfully philosophical today, Lissa."

"I told you it was a weird day!"

"Weirder than High School graduation?"

"Way! But again, you're calm. Maybe your nickname should be 'Ice Man'."

"Is that what you thought when we made love?" I asked with an arched eyebrow.

Clarissa laughed, "I'm not exactly the best person for anyone to ask about how 'hot' you are in that regard! That said, Tasha thought you were an absolutely amazing lover! And so did Milena. But you and me making love was different."

"True."

"I think you've found the right balance."

"Time will tell! Are you OK?"

"I think so," Clarissa replied. "It's just the big changes."

It suddenly hit me that it wasn't ME, it was Clarissa!

"Moving in with Abby is bothering you, isn't it?"

"Yes," she admitted quietly.

"Because it feels like getting married?" I asked.

"Yes," she said, still very quiet.

"Because it's one thing to have a girlfriend; it's another thing to actually live together. It's a real commitment at that point. And that scares you."

"I just don't see how you're so calm, and I feel so nervous!"

"I like Abby, Lissa. She's sweet, and I believe she really loves you."

"I know! That's what scares me! Haven't you had second thoughts?"

I shook my head, "No. Not once I had made up my mind. It will hit me when I'm standing in the church on Sunday afternoon! That's when I'll freak out!"

"No, you won't!"

"Yes, I will. The gravity of what I'm doing will hit me, and I'll feel like bolting. That same thing will happen when I'm ordained a deacon. It's normal to be nervous before a big event; I just don't get nervous until it's actually happening! And let's be honest here — you love Abby, and you want to be with her."

"True," Clarissa sighed.

"And you know, no matter what, I'm there for you."

"I know. I love you, Petrovich."

"I love you, Lissa!"

May 24, 1985, McKinley, Ohio

"You seem less apprehensive today," I said to Clarissa as we drove towards Abby's apartment with the last of Clarissa's things.

"After our talk yesterday, I realized it was kind of silly to be so nervous about doing something I really want to do! I guess it was getting my own key and putting my name on the lease that made it real, kind of how you reacted to getting your marriage license."

"That did make it more real, if that's a thing," I agreed. "And moving my stuff to the cottage. I just have the clothes I need for tomorrow and Sunday and my bathroom kit, which I'll take with me to Anicka's house tonight. I am, as they say, 'out of here'!"

"It was nice of Dean Anderson to let you basically resign two days early without any negative repercussions."

"The dorm will be half-empty by bedtime tonight, and there are other RAs available."

"What are you guys doing tonight?"

"I'll answer that when you answer the same question about Elizaveta's bridal shower!"

Clarissa laughed, "I'll be drummed out of the club! But you know darn well that nothing crazy went on. Just a bunch of girls being silly with lots of teasing."

"Which is pretty much what's going to happen tonight. We'll play cards, eat pizza, drink, and just hang out. Sophia was pretty clear with Robby and Lee about keeping things in line, not that any of the guys are crazy."

"You know it would be a VERY different party if you had let Clark plan it!"

"General debauchery!" I chuckled. "Except that Amy has him on a very short leash now that she agreed to move to Chicago with him. He's not allowed to play around at all! And really, for the past year, he's been way less free with his affection than the first three years."

"True."

"She was always playing the 'long game', and her strategy worked! If she had tried to tie him down exclusively, she'd have lost out. And I got the strong idea she went out with other guys as well."

Clarissa laughed, "You have NO idea!"

"What did I miss?"

"Nothing I can talk about!" Clarissa replied mirthfully. "And no, I do NOT mean me! I've been with Glenda, you, and Abby. And that's it!"

"'The lady doth protest too much, methinks,'" I chuckled.

"Hamlet, right?"

"Yes. And it became a cliché referring to sexually fickle womanhood, though later, a general doubt of the person's sincerity. So it fits the current conversation perfectly!"

"You doubt me?!" Clarissa protested.

"No, but I know I can wind you up like nobody's business!" I chuckled. "But you left out your fling!"

My comment elicited one of Clarissa's rare giggles.

"Well, uhm, her, too! But, isn't the quote 'methinks the lady... '?"

"No. As is often the case, usage changes, but the original has 'methinks' last. Another bit of trivia from Mr. Black."

"Did he ever actually teach the class he was supposed to teach?"

"Current Events? Yes. We read US News & World Report and Newsweek every week and discussed them, but there was plenty of time for all the really cool stuff once we got past 'Day 317 in captivity' or whatever it was that Ted Koppel said each night, ending with 444 on the day Reagan was inaugurated."

"Because the Ayatollah wasn't interested in an instantaneous multimillion-degree increase in local temperature in Tehran!"