Chapter 5: Bittersweet Moments

June 5, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

"Do you want me to sleep at Doctor Blahnik's house tonight?" Clarissa asked when she arrived at the dorm early on Tuesday evening so we could go to dinner.

"No," I replied. "Ice cream with Grace isn't a date. And besides, you know the score."

"So this doesn't end with her licking your cone?" she teased.

I laughed, "No. I won't be more than an hour or so."

"I'll hang out with Jocelyn and Dona. I don't want Kelly to complain I was in your room without you here."

"She's driving all of us nuts," I sighed. "And it's only Tuesday of the first week! But forget her for now; let's go get Jocelyn and Dona so we can have dinner."

The four of us left the dorm for the cafeteria, and after we ate, Clarissa went with them while I walked to Verner's to meet Grace. She ordered a turtle sundae, and I ordered my traditional single scoop of chocolate in a sugar cone. I'd gone away from that for a time, but it seemed as if my life was going in a bit of a circle, with old habits and old attitudes returning, though tempered by three years away from home at college.

"It's your dime," I said with a smile when we sat down at a table near the front window. "Start talking!"

Grace laughed, "Nancy said you could be a real smart aleck if you were in the right mood. I hope I get more than three minutes for my 10¢!"

"I don't know if you noticed, but Ohio Bell raised the cost of a call to 25¢. Well, I guess they're calling themselves 'Ameritech' now."

"You said 'dime' first!"

"True," I replied with a grin. "Though that's the idiom. How much has Nancy told you about me?"

"A bit. Why?"

"All the questions about girlfriends. It almost seemed as if you were trying to dig for information."

"I was!" Grace replied with a twinkle in her eye. "For ME! I only met Nancy a few weeks ago, and other than the fact you guys tried dating a few times and she thinks you're a super-nice guy, we didn't talk much about you. I'm not her spy or anything, though I guess I can see how you might think that."

"I'm actually seeing someone," I said.

"Steady?"

"No, but she could be at some point in the future."

"But you're still a free agent?"

"I suppose so, yes."

"Me, too. And I'm not looking for anything serious, just someone new to hang out with and do stuff occasionally. Someone intelligent who can carry on a conversation and won't bore me to tears. And you're going to be RA on my floor for all of my Freshman year, so I thought maybe we could be friends."

"I'm always open to new friends," I replied.

"What about hanging out sometimes? You don't even have to call it a date if that's a problem for the girl you're seeing. I'm guessing she's OK with your friends because otherwise, you wouldn't say it might be serious."

"What did you have in mind?"

"I'm pretty much open to anything," she said, her eyes twinkling. "I bowl, but not very well; I play mini golf, and I'm OK at that; I roller and ice skate pretty well; I like movies, walks in the rain, and ice cream."

"Thank you, Bachelorette Number Three!" I teased.

Grace laughed, "I guess I did sound like The Dating Game! But then I'd have to add something like 'making whoopee' or whatever euphemism they used to get past the censors and imply that sex was part of the date."

"My parents thought that show was funny, but I only ever saw a couple of episodes. I know the basic way it worked. My mom told me she read that one of the guys who was the one interviewing the three girls was a rapist and murderer."

"Whoa! No way?"

"Supposedly."

"YOU aren't a rapist or a serial killer, are you?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.

"I've drowned Snap, Crackle, and Pop in milk many times at breakfast," I smirked.

"SERIAL, not CEREAL, you nut!" Grace laughed. "But I guess Nancy was right about your sense of humor. It's goofy."

"Ah-hyuck!" I replied, trying to sound like Goofy from the cartoons.

"OK, you're WAY funnier than she suggested!"

"You caught me on a good day," I chuckled. "And when she first met me, I was seriously humor-impaired."

"That no longer appears to be a problem."

"Your insight serves you well," I replied, doing my best Obi-Wan Kenobi impression.

"Too funny! So, besides moderately good impressions, what do you do for fun?"

"Play pool, play chess, mini golf, go to the movies."

"I play chess, but I'm not very good."

"Ever play 'strip chess'?" I asked with a silly grin.

"Is that like 'strip Monopoly'?"

"No clue. I've never played either, though I know the rules to 'strip chess'. How does 'strip Monopoly' work?"

"You get less money from the bank, and each item of clothing is worth a fixed amount. Anything you can do with cash, you can do with clothes, and anything you can do with property, you can do with clothes. If you run out of cash, you're required to pay with clothes, and they can be bought and sold or auctioned, just like properties. And to keep people from ditching, you put up a hundred bucks of real money. If you stay in the game until it's over, you get your money back. If you leave or refuse to pay with clothes, the players who finish split your hundred bucks."

"And you've played this before?"

"Twice. Once was after Senior Prom with a bunch of people in a hotel room. The other time was New Year's Eve two years ago at a friend's house. But that's only fun if you have five or six people. What are the rules for 'strip chess'?"

"Each time a pawn is captured, you kiss, and each time a piece is captured, you have to take off one article of clothing. Winner gets oral sex from the loser."

Grace laughed, "I can see why a guy would like that! He gets blown or gets to eat the girl, so win-win because if he's any good, she's going to demand that he have sex with her!"

"That is exactly what the person who told me about the rules said!"

"Sounds like fun! I'm game!"

I had just neatly teased and joked myself right into a corner of my own making. Grace seemed like someone who would be fun to hang out with, who had a good sense of humor, and who also happened to have a nice, curvy body. And the idea of playing 'strip chess' was appealing. But it took me right back to the debate I was having with myself about sex. I'd just decided, mostly, to be chaste, though not just yet.

Jocelyn and I hadn't stopped making love, but we both agreed it would end Wednesday night. She had been asked out on a date for Friday and had accepted, and we both felt it was wrong for her to be having sex with me while starting to date, despite our desire to be with each other. We'd likely sleep in the same bed, at least for a time, though if she were to get serious with the guy, that would no longer be possible.

Maggie was also a consideration, but in my weird way of thinking, I treated girls who were possible candidates for marriage differently from what Clarissa called 'flings'. I'd told Clarissa that Violet had been my last fling, but sitting here with Grace, having joked and teased myself into a position where I could play 'strip chess' with someone, I was seriously reconsidering.

"Not to be a wet blanket," I said, "but let me think about that, OK?"

"Because of your girlfriend?"

"It's more complicated than that. Let's talk later in the week, OK?"

"Sure," Grace agreed. "Either way, would you like to hang out sometime?"

"I believe I would."

June 6, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

"I've dreaded this day," Jocelyn said when she joined me in my room on Wednesday evening after Vespers.

"Are you having second thoughts?" I asked.

"No, it's a bittersweet moment. I'm just dealing with the fact that this part of our relationship has to come to an end. I actually think it'll be worse when I'm no longer able to sleep in your bed. Having you hold me just feels so right."

"And holding you feels so right, too."

"We can do anything you want tonight, Mik. I mean that. Literally anything."

"That would be a mistake of epic proportions," I replied. "We need to make tender love, and nothing more complicated than that. We'll ruin it with some crazy, over-the-top ending."

"You sound so sure. Why?"

"A close friend of mine had a beautiful, sweet love affair, which was mostly just simple lovemaking. They had to be apart, and she decided for their last couple of nights, they'd just go crazy and try anything and everything, no matter how wild. It ruined their relationship, and it took years to repair."

"You're talking about Milena and Joel, aren't you?"

"I should deny it, but I could never lie to you."

"You basically reconfigured our relationship to match what you had with her, so I can see why you feel that way. And if you feel that way, then we should do what you say. Not that I'm complaining, mind you; I love making love with you. I just thought maybe you'd like to try some stuff you hadn't tried before."

I chuckled, "I'm not sure there's anything left that I'd want to do."

Jocelyn laughed softly, "Tasha was a real surprise, wasn't she?"

"Yes, but she shouldn't have been. I should have recognized the signs, but all I saw was her conservative front, despite her showing me glimpses of her other side."

"Just so you know, she, Clarissa, and I had VERY detailed conversations!"

"Including assessing my performance?" I asked with an arched eyebrow. "9.2 from the Russian judge?"

"More like 10.0 like the Olympic gymnast, Nadia Comăneci!"

"The Eastern Bloc judges always screwed over Americans when they had the chance," I replied. "And this year, the Olympics are going to suck because the Russians are boycotting to retaliate for Carter's stupid boycott of the Moscow Olympics in 1980. All that did was hurt our athletes; it didn't affect ANYTHING with regard to Afghanistan. But I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you discussing my technique!"

Jocelyn laughed, "It wasn't like that! We both agreed and told Clarissa that you were a skilled, attentive lover."

"I hope Liz wasn't there for THAT conversation!"

Jocelyn laughed harder, "We're not THAT cruel. To Liz, I mean."

"Of course," I replied deadpan.

"You know we all love you, Mike, and we all want you to be happy. Tasha and I actually both wished that Clarissa was truly bi because then..."

"I know. But it's not to be. I did tell her if she did wake up one morning and discover she was straight, I'd marry her immediately, no matter what the situation was. Well, so long as I wasn't already married. Tell me about the guy."

"Bill Ebersole. He'll be a Senior. He's from McKinley, so he doesn't live in the dorms, and he's a poli-sci major. He had trouble with Calculus first semester so he's retaking it this Summer."

"Long-term goal?" I asked.

"He's planning a Master's in foreign relations, most likely at OSU."

"Bring him around when you're ready."

"I will. I think you'll like him."

"I hope so! If this eventually turns serious, he's going to be a close friend."

"Did you decide what to do about your minor peccadillo?"

"It's not a peccadillo," I replied. "Well, at least not yet. It's just me trying to figure out what's OK and what's not OK all over again."

"You're hung up on the 'too many', aren't you?"

"It did kind of get away from me, at least according to what I talked about with you and others that Summer after High School graduation and a bit since."

"I suppose you have to ask yourself, at least in THIS circumstance, which would you regret more? One more girl, or not playing 'strip chess', something you've been dying to play since you heard about it when we were fifteen?"

"When you put it that way, it makes me lean a bit more towards it, but I keep asking myself where the limit would be."

"Isn't it basically the end of August? If Lara comes back and says she wants to give it a go, you're not going to see anyone but her. If she decides against it, I think you'll end up with Maggie unless something really bad happens between you two. If that happens, well, then I'm not sure. So there is a limit, if you will. But you have to decide if your self-imposed 'one more is too many' is really how you feel, or if something else is causing you to feel that way."

"What do you mean?"

"Given what you've told Clarissa and me about Maggie, I wonder if you feel guilty in denying her while fooling around with other girls? Or maybe it's Lara who you feel guilty about? You know, cheating even if you aren't really cheating."

"You know I have a different way of thinking about the girls who I might marry, weird as it sounds."

"But it's not really. If you both just want to casually fuck, it's not a big deal, but if you think it's for the long term, suddenly the math changes, if you will. Think about what would have happened had you and Emmy not broken up because of her dad. You and Emmy agreed on a casual fuck, but by the time you got there, the landscape had changed in such a way that you two were going to be steady until her dad lowered the boom."

"Things were really complicated back then because of the accident, but that's basically the case. Becky could have turned out that way, too, but she's too far away, and we hardly talk at all these days."

"That started as a casual fuck but led to something that might have been, if distance weren't a problem. It was after that you started trying to sort things out, and the way you treated different girls depended on what you felt the future might hold."

"True. I guess I'm not sure which way is best. At times, it seems like chastity is actually easier because I don't have to make any individual decisions."

"Have you lost trust in yourself?" Jocelyn asked.

"I think it's more not wanting my weakness to control me."

"I'd say it isn't if you're carefully thinking things through."

"I wouldn't be so sure," I chuckled. "Resistance is difficult."

"But not futile. Mindy is the perfect example of your willpower overcoming your desires."

I shook my head, "No, it's not, because I don't desire Mindy."

"Sorry, I should have realized that," Jocelyn said. "I'm not helping much, am I?"

"Sure you are," I said reassuringly. "We're talking. But we've probably talked enough, and it's time to make love."

"All night?"

"All night."

June 7, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

"I know I'm sounding like a broken record, but Kelly is a REAL bitch," Jocelyn sighed on Thursday evening.

She, Clarissa, Dona, and I were sitting in my room listening to Bruce Springsteen and drinking Cokes.

"Now what?" I asked.

"She said she smelled pot in Darcy's room. I guess she and Darcy had an argument over Darcy's boyfriend staying over, so Kelly decided to get even."

"And?"

"Nothing. Darcy's only vice is pre-marital sex! She doesn't smoke or drink. But her boyfriend stayed two nights, and Kelly took it upon herself to lecture Darcy about not tolerating a third night. Darcy objected, and they had an argument. That's when Kelly called Campus Security. They came over, said they didn't smell anything, checked Darcy's room, and left."

"Jesus," Dona said. "That chick needs to get stoned, get drunk, AND get laid. Maybe that will get her to lighten up!"

"Doubtful," I replied. "Not to mention the fact that all three of those are things she'd NEVER do."

"I used to kind of think like her," Dona continued, "you know, only have sex with the guy you married, even if you did it before your wedding night. But I met a guy who changed my mind. Well, I changed my mind after I made a complete mess of things with that guy."

"High School is all about learning how to have good relationships," I said. "And I messed up big time myself. Heck, I've messed up since then."

"Haven't we all?" Jocelyn asked. "Did you lose that guy, Dona?"

"I'm not sure I ever had him. He was seeing another girl pretty seriously, but maybe if I'd played my cards right, who knows? After I messed things up, I ran into him because my car broke down. We got together again, but he's in Chicago now, and I haven't seen him in over a year."

"Chicago? Did he happen to graduate two years before you?"

"Yes. How did you know?"

"His name is Steve, right?" I asked.

"Yes!" Dona exclaimed. "You know him?"

I shook my head, "I know OF him. To cut a long story short, that friend of mine who went to Turpin is friends with a girl he used to date."

"Small world."

"It is," I agreed.

"What are you guys doing tomorrow night?" Dona asked.

"I have a date," Jocelyn said. "My first one with Bill."

"I have a date, too," I replied. "I'm seeing Maggie."

"I have a date, three!" Clarissa said. "Her name is Abby, and she works at the Free Clinic."

"And I'm the Old Maid, as my mom would call it," Dona groused.

"When school starts in the Fall, there will be plenty of guys around," Clarissa said. "And our group of friends hangs out together a lot, not as couples. Well, the couples are there, but we do stuff as a group."

"Thanks. I'd like that. Starting out with friends makes things easier."

"I have some homework to do," Jocelyn said, "so I'm going to go back to my room."

"I should do some, too," Dona said.

Jocelyn and I hugged and kissed each other, Dona surprised me with a quick hug, and then the two of them left. I shut and locked the door, Clarissa and I completed our bedtime routines, and then got into bed naked together. We spooned, and I put my arm around her, being careful to rest my hand on her stomach, not too high and not too low.

"She likes you," Clarissa said.

"Dona?"

"That hug was a dead giveaway, not to mention the slight flash of disappointment when you said you had a date tomorrow."

"Forget that for a moment! Who is Abby?"

Clarissa laughed, "A nurse at the Clinic. Well, she's at Moore Memorial Hospital a few days a week and at the Clinic a few days a week."

"Not even a doctor yet and already hitting on nurses?" I teased.

Clarissa laughed softly, "I hadn't even thought about that! If things go well tomorrow night, I'll bring her to meet you sometime next week."

"And us sleeping together?"

"I don't fuck on the first date!" Clarissa said mirthfully. "But maybe on the second!"

"But once you do?"

"Let's worry about that when it happens, OK?"

"Sorry. I was being selfish."

"No, you were telling me exactly how much you love me. I didn't expect to meet someone this soon."

"And it's OK, Lissa."

"I almost feel like Jocelyn and I are both abandoning you."

"You aren't going anywhere," I said. "And we both knew that eventually this would end. As Jocelyn said, it's bittersweet. I'll be very happy if you find someone you want to be with, more so if you find that special girl who is worthy of your lifetime commitment."

"Thanks. I love you so much, Petrovich."

"And I love you, too, Lissa."

"You know that thing you used to do with Sophia? We could if you wanted to."

"No, Lissa," I said gently. "We're in a very good place right now. Let's keep things on the correct side of the line we both agreed to draw."