Chapter 48: The Orthodox Way

February 9, 1985, Milford, Ohio

"Do you mind sitting in the waiting room for five minutes while I talk to Doctor Mercer about Angie?"

"That's fine," Elizaveta replied as we walked through the door of the building where Doctor Mercer had her office.

We went upstairs and into the waiting room, and Doctor Mercer greeted us. Elizaveta sat on the couch, and Doctor Mercer and I went into her office.

"Elizaveta will join us after we talk about Angie," I said.

"You don't need any private time?"

"I think the best course of action for my relationship is complete openness. My main counselor has to be my wife, and she has to be totally involved in my life. If I keep things from her, it's going to wreck our relationship."

"That's quite the change in attitude."

"The minor crisis over my sexual history made it pretty clear that keeping things from her would only lead to worse problems in the future. Since then, I've been sharing pretty much everything with her."

"Pretty much?"

"The one thing that has to stay hidden is the true nature of my relationship with Clarissa- not just for my sake but for Clarissa's sake."

"How many people know about that?"

"Besides Clarissa, you, and me? Two. And Clarissa confided in them. But they won't say anything. I know this goes against what I just said, but it has to stay private. And honestly, I haven't named any names for Elizaveta. She knows about Tasha because she and Tasha have spoken, and she suspects Jocelyn, but that's it."

"You do realize that if it ever comes out, it's going to blow apart your relationships, right?"

"I understand, but in this one instance, I'm between a rock and a hard place. The only way out of this is to never have done it in the first place, but there's no way to go back and undo it. And even if I could, I wouldn't because Clarissa and I simply HAD to know. But that isn't why I asked for some time alone; how is Angie?"

"As of last night, she seems stable on her current medication levels. If she's stable all weekend, they'll release her on Monday. But that's also dependent on Angie agreeing to follow her prescribed treatment, which is uncertain."

"Because that's a symptom."

"Yes. And, Mike, it's entirely possible that what we discussed is true — that she's having a cluster of symptoms that are actually caused by borderline personality disorder."

"Shit," I sighed.

"Wait! When did you start cursing in English?"

"In the past month or so. I decided to basically abandon the use of Russian except for some church words and my pet name for Elizaveta. She and I agreed we're not going to try to teach our kids Russian, and we both agreed we didn't want any of the traditional Russian hijinks around wedding ceremonies. We'll have an Orthodox wedding but an American reception."

"Interesting."

"What are Angie's next steps?"

"All we can do is wait and see."

"What about work, school, and church?"

"We think church is good for her, and I've had a lengthy conversation with Father Stephen about his pastoral care for her. School and work are out of the question for the foreseeable future."

"That's only going to agitate her even more."

"We really don't have any options given the mix of drugs she'll be on for the foreseeable future."

"Will you be able to wean her from them?" I asked.

"We were successful last time because she followed the treatment plan. We're not sure she will this time."

"Last time, she had a reason to do it; now she doesn't," I observed. "This isn't meant to sound accusatory, but I know it will — you took that from her. Not that you had a choice, mind you."

Doctor Mercer smiled wanly, "I know she blames me. It's par for the course."

"What about me seeing her?"

"We debated that, and the answer isn't clear."

"What about the wedding? Elizaveta had her grandmothers hold back Angie's invitation once she went into the hospital."

"That was probably wise. Let things settle. Let Angie get home, and we'll take it from there."

"OK. Shall I bring in Elizaveta?"

"If you're ready."

I nodded, got up, went to the door, and invited Elizaveta into Doctor Mercer's office. Elizaveta and I sat on the couch, and Doctor Mercer sat in a chair across from us.

"Let's talk about stress," Doctor Mercer said to begin the session. "There is going to be quite a bit of it in your relationship. A good part of the stress will originate with Mike's desired specialty, which is among the most stressful in a profession which is already stressful to begin with. Your relationship will also cause a certain amount of stress, both because you're marrying young and because of the demands of medical school and Residency on Mike's time. And, given where you've chosen to live, there will be some from Elizaveta's parents."

"My dad is cool," Elizaveta said. "My mom isn't too bad. My grandmothers, on the other hand..."

"I had a Russian grandmother," Doctor Mercer said with a wry smile. "So I know what THAT is like! And like the stress from medical school or Residency, it can't be avoided and will have to be managed. Starting a family will also create a significant amount of stress because of Mike's necessary time away from home. Do you still have the intention of waiting?"

"At least until Elizaveta graduates from High School," I replied. "We'll discuss it then, though I'd say that's most likely when we'll start trying."

"After lots and lots of practice!" Elizaveta exclaimed, much to my surprise, and with only the slightest hint of blush.

Doctor Mercer smiled, "That is not uncommon amongst newlyweds. But remember, stress can affect that, too. And your time together might even have to be planned, or at least arranged, around Mike's schedule. That can create its own stress."

"You're not filling me with optimism, Doctor," I replied.

"But it is the reality you've chosen. That said, a solid, successful, and happy marriage will help you through what will be the most grueling six years imaginable. Shall we talk a bit about techniques that will help you manage the stress?"

"Yes," Elizaveta and I both agreed.

"First and foremost, you need to talk to each other about what's causing your stress. And that means you need to truly listen to each other. Much of what you'll talk about can't be changed, only managed. Talking about it is a good way to release some of the stress and to let the other person know the things which are inducing stress. You can do this as a couple, though having a third party present at times might be helpful. In your case, I'd suggest your priest or the doctor and his wife in your parish."

"Not you?" I asked.

"Consider your priest and the doctor as your GPs and me as your specialist. Most of the time, they'll be able to help you, but on occasion, you'll need something they can't provide. I do want to make one point — it's important to avoid whining, grousing, or complaining, as those make it difficult for anyone to listen, and that includes the two of you listening to each other. You both practice confession, right?"

"Yes," I replied as Elizaveta nodded.

"And if I understand Orthodox confession, it's a conversation?"

"You might even call it a doctor-patient conversation," I replied. "Symptoms are listed, questions are asked, a diagnosis is given, and then medication is prescribed in the form of prayer, fasting, and so on. There's a line in the rite where the priest warns the penitent to be honest and open, lest he or she come to the Great Physician and leave unhealed."

"Then I think you both have a good basis for communicating. Let's discuss a few basic stress reduction techniques. Moderate exercise is a very good one, as it helps reduce some of the physical effects of stress. Mike, do you intend to restart your karate lessons?"

"At some point, but for now, time is at a premium. To take it seriously means three lessons a week, at least, plus practice, which would mean at least an hour a day, not counting travel. I'm not sure I can afford that kind of time, though I'll reëvaluate once I get into the routine in the Fall."

"You still run, right?"

"Every day, either around the campus or in the gym, depending on the weather. There are sidewalks in the neighborhood where we'll live, so I can run there. I'll have to figure out what to do when the weather doesn't allow running outside."

"What do you do now?"

"Run in the gym at Taft."

"Any sports?"

"My father-in-law is paying for golf lessons. He seems to think it's mandatory that doctors know how to play golf!"

"Lawyers, too," Doctor Mercer replied. "Larry Walsh, the attorney who has offices on the first floor of this building, is an avid golfer."

"And you?" I asked.

"I don't have an MD or JD, so, no, I don't! I wasn't issued a set of golf clubs with my license!" she said with a smile. "Though my husband plays casually. Is that something you intend to keep up?"

"So far, yes. But again, it's an issue of available time."

"Which, in and of itself, is going to be stress-inducing because you'll have to prioritize your time and likely give up some things you like to do or do them less until you graduate from medical school and finish your Residency. Elizaveta, do you exercise?"

"Only in gym class, but I thought I'd start running with Mike."

"You should start as soon as the weather gets nice," I said. "Otherwise, I won't get much exercise when we first run together."

"Running is good, but you both might consider free weights for a bit of strength training. I'm not talking heavy weights, but just enough to help you with muscle tone. Mike, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea for you to talk to someone with a background in physical therapy or physical education who can help you come up with a simple exercise program to add to your running. I believe you'd only need a few minutes a day, and it will pay dividends in keeping you physically strong and mentally healthy."

"I'll ask Doctor Evgeni if he knows someone," I said.

"Good. Another very good stress reduction technique is to use music — listening and playing. Mike, how are you doing with your guitar?"

"I still play."

"He's really, really good!" Elizaveta exclaimed.

"I wouldn't go quite that far," I chuckled. "My voice makes up for my failings with the instrument."

"But you enjoy it, and it's relaxing, right?"

"Yes."

"And I take it you still suffer from your addiction to collecting albums?"

I chuckled and nodded, "I do, and my friends fed the beast by buying me a CD player for my birthday."

"Last Saturday, right?"

"Yes."

"Happy belated birthday!"

"Thanks."

"Elizaveta, what about you?"

"I like to listen to music; I'm just not as crazy about it as Mike is! And I'm taking piano lessons. Mike and I have played together a few times. We plan to sing Up Where We Belong as a duet at our wedding."

"Good. Let me ask you about religious services. I know the Orthodox Church has a very extensive cycle of services. Do you attend all of them?"

"As many as possible," Elizaveta replied, "though I don't skip school except for Holy Friday, so I miss some morning Festal services throughout the year if they aren't on weekends or during breaks."

"I'm going to assume you willingly go to church?"

"My parents brought me to church when I was born, and it's just part of my life. I like going to church and the services. If I didn't, I would never even think about being the wife of a deacon."

"Do you find the religious services relaxing or comforting?"

Elizaveta laughed softly. "Comforting. I still don't understand how Mike can find the services relaxing, especially when he's so busy chanting or being a subdeacon or serving in the altar or all the other stuff he has to do!"

"It's mentally, emotionally, and spiritually calming," I replied. "It can be physically demanding, but I feel so refreshed that I never really notice. And the daily, weekly, and yearly cycles are very comforting. I tell time by the Church calendar and the cycle of services. This was the week of the Publican and Pharisee, and tonight, we'll have Vespers for the Sunday of the Prodigal Son. This is the twenty-second time I'll repeat the cycle, and I hope to do it for another sixty or seventy years! Church has always been the foundation of stability even when my life is otherwise chaotic."

"It hasn't been as bad the last year or so, has it?" Doctor Mercer asked.

"Except for Angie, no, it hasn't; at least not since Liz and my parents reconciled and Elizaveta put on the shackles."

"I did NOT!" she protested.

"I was teasing! But you did basically demand I marry you."

"Because you were being a complete «говнюк» (govnyuk)!" she declared, causing me to laugh at her use of profanity. ("shithead")

"So now we've changed roles?" Doctor Mercer asked with a smirk.

"She may have a point," I replied with a silly grin.

"Oh, please!" Elizaveta exclaimed. "Except for Katy Malenkov, you ignored ALL the girls at Saint Michael! If I hadn't come to you and made my case, you would STILL be looking in all the wrong places!"

"OK, you DO have a point."

"Thank you!" Elizaveta replied smugly.

"You were a bit young before last Summer, don't you think?" Doctor Mercer asked.

"I was a young woman who had all the necessary skills to be a wife by the time I was thirteen!" Elizaveta answered feistily.

"Don't fight this losing battle, Doc," I chuckled. "She's one hundred percent Russian even if she mostly acts American!"

"I have to say I've never encountered a young woman so determined to marry at such a young age and so well prepared, at least with regard to domestic skills."

"You think I'm immature?" Elizaveta asked.

"I think you lack life experience," Doctor Mercer said gently.

"And how much experience did you have with being married?" Elizaveta challenged.

Doctor Mercer laughed softly, "None, of course. But I had dated and gone to college, so I had learned more about life."

"And I'll learn while I'm married. Did going to college and dating make your marriage perfect?"

"No, but it did give me some relationship skills, which helped."

"I don't see why I should have to date someone else to learn how to be Mike's wife."

"You don't. I was just pointing out that it was a way to gain experience and learn some valuable lessons."

"Yes, and all of Mike's 'experience' was positive?" Elizaveta asked with an arched eyebrow.

"Good or bad, it does help us learn how to deal with situations that may arise in the future."

"Including sleeping with multiple girls who weren't his wife?" Elizaveta asked, sounding a bit angry.

"On that, I think we may have to disagree in the general case," Doctor Mercer said. "I know your beliefs, based on the teachings of your church, but I don't believe that sexual activity before marriage is always wrong. I'm not telling you it's right for you or that you have to agree, just that I don't agree with you. Are you angry with Mike?"

"I was, a little bit; but not now. I am a bit disappointed in him, but there really isn't anything I can do about it at this point. And I'm not really going to worry about it; I only said something because of what you said."

"I am somewhat concerned that you might feel some resentment or anger about this in the future."

"Unfortunately, boys seem to regard purity as far less important than girls do, and according to my friends, there are very few boys who haven't had some experience, especially once they go to college. But even some of my friends chose not to stay pure. I think it's better to be able to make love with my husband than to have to fight temptation."

"But that's not your reason for marrying, is it?"

Elizaveta smirked, "Not the first one, anyway!"

Doctor Mercer laughed, "OK. Let's talk a bit more about identifying stress and managing it."

That took the rest of the fifty-minute session, and when we finished, Doctor Mercer asked to speak to me privately.

"You realize you aren't going to win many arguments in your marriage, right?" she asked with a silly smile once Elizaveta had gone to the waiting room.

"I was raised by an Orthodox mom and an Orthodox grandmother and dated Tasha for a couple of years. So yeah, I know!"

"One thing you need to do is set boundaries for areas where you'll hold firm, or she'll dominate you the way your mom dominated your dad."

I nodded, "I know. I won't run away, but I will pick my battles carefully. Most things simply aren't worth fighting about."

"That's a good attitude, so long as you don't take it as far as your dad did."

"I won't. I learned several very good lessons in both being assertive and in being patient."

"Your dad and Jocelyn?"

"Yes. And before you ask your next question, yes, the issue of my sexual activity is settled. You brought it up and appeared to condone it."

"Conceptually, yes."

"I avoided THAT problem," I grinned.

Doctor Mercer laughed, "You have changed quite a bit from that basically naïve, innocent kid I first met. You'll make a good husband and a good doctor, Mike, but you're going to have to work at it."

"That's a given. Do you want to see me before May?"

"Only if you need me for something. We'll keep in touch by telephone, and I'll keep you updated on Angie's condition."

"OK. Let me know if we should send her an invitation. I assume you received yours?"

"I did. My husband and I plan to be there."

"Then I'll see you at the end of May if nothing comes up."

I left the office, took Elizaveta's hand, and we went out to my car.

"What did she want?"

"Just to make sure I knew I was marrying a Russian woman! As if I could forget!"

"What did she say?"

"Just that I shouldn't behave like my dad and avoid conflict."

"So long as you do as I say, there won't BE any conflict!" Elizaveta teased.

"And is that REALLY how it's going to be?" I asked with an arched eyebrow.

"No, of course not! We'll talk about everything and decide together."

We exchanged a soft kiss, then got into my car and headed to Rutherford to have lunch with Liz and Paul.