Chapter 45: I’d Much Rather Have a Cure

January 12, 1985, McKinley, Ohio

"How are you, Mik?" Jocelyn asked when I arrived back at the dorm.

"I feel like I've gone fifteen rounds with Ali."

"Would you even last one round?"

"No, of course not, but I STILL feel like I was in the ring for the full fifteen."

"I know you usually talk to Clarissa, but she's with Abby. I have an ear if you want."

"I love you, Jos; that's never changed. And I can use an ear."

"Then come on," she said. "Your room?"

"We'll leave the door open if you don't trust yourself!"

"You're the least likely person on the planet to cheat, Mik!"

"That kind of thinking is what will get me into trouble," I replied.

We went into my room, and I left the door partway open. I put on Who's Last by The Who, and we sat down on the couch.

"So, what has you feeling like Sonny Liston in his second fight?" Jocelyn asked.

"Is that the one that was on the cover of Sports Illustrated? The one framed in your dad's den?"

"Yep. First round. Liston never knew what hit him. Ali didn't realize how hard he'd hit Liston."

"That about sums up my situation."

"Who beat you up? Wait, don't answer. You beat yourself up."

"Yes."

"Mik, you've wanted to be Doctor Mike since fourth grade. Now, because of Angie, you think you're being selfish?"

"That's pretty much the bottom line. I feel like a jerk putting that ahead of everything."

"No, you feel like a jerk putting being Doctor Mike ahead of Angie."

"Doctor Mercer said it wasn't real because of Angie's condition. Intellectually, I know she's right, but my heart just doesn't see it."

"And 'fantasy Angie' was no more real than 'fantasy Tasha'."

I smirked, "Tasha was BETTER than 'fantasy Tasha'!"

Jocelyn laughed, "I didn't mean sex, you nut! I meant your vision of who she was."

"I suppose that's true."

"And I have to ask — she was THAT good?"

"You have NO idea," I grinned.

"That might have been the first and only time in history that a guy's reality outdid his fantasy!"

"All things being equal, my fantasies were pretty tame."

"Actually, knowing you as well as I did when we went through puberty and High School, that doesn't surprise me."

"The fundamental problem is that pretty much any decision I make will have lasting, potentially devastating, consequences."

"Wait!" Jocelyn protested. "I thought you said you HAD decided?"

"I am going to marry Elizaveta, but that leaves the question of what kind of relationship I'm going to have with Angie, if any. I'm a major trigger for her meltdowns, but not seeing her could be an even bigger problem than continuing to see her. And continuing to see her after I'm married presents its own set of concerns, both for Angie and for Elizaveta."

"Not to change the subject, but isn't that a potential problem for you and me? And for you and Clarissa?"

"It's a bit complicated because I also have to avoid anything which looks like it might be inappropriate due to my candidacy for ordination to the diaconate."

"Not to be a bitch, but you and Clarissa spend time together behind closed doors."

"I know, and I do that knowing that it's a potential concern for people from church, but not with Elizaveta."

Jocelyn smirked, "Because your 'pussy cat' has no idea that you played with THAT pussy!"

I couldn't help but laugh, "True. You are one of the very few people who know about that, and it has to remain that way. Elizaveta knows I was with other girls, but she doesn't know names. Well, she knows I was with Tasha because she assumed so, and I'm positive Tasha confirmed that. Elizaveta suspects I was with you. Well, she did once I admitted that I'd been with more than one girl."

"Because she'd never, ever suspect you were intimate with the hot lesbian girl!"

"Hot?" I asked with an arched eyebrow.

"Forget it!" Jocelyn replied.

"Coward!" I teased.

"I'll do THAT right after you give Robby a blowjob!"

"Pass," I replied flatly.

"Figures," Jocelyn replied smugly.

"So what happens now?"

"Father Stephen and Doctor Mercer are going to confer, and then Father Stephen is going to speak to Father Nicholas and Bishop ARKADY. I suspect all of us will get into a room together and decide what's best for Angie. In the end, it's her mom who is going to have to care for Angie, with help from Doctor Mercer, Father Stephen, and whoever her psychiatrist is."

"You don't know?"

"I don't believe Doctor Mercer has ever used his name, and I'm certainly not going to ask. It's none of my business, really. Doctor Mercer only shares things with me because Angie's mom was willing to sign a release allowing it."

We were interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Yes?" I called out.

"Mike, I need ... oh, sorry, I didn't realize you had someone in here with you."

"It's OK," Jocelyn said. "I need to go move my laundry from the washer to the dryer. Mik, I'll be back in a bit."

"Sounds good, Jos. Gene, come on in."

She left, closing the door behind her, and Gene sat down on the opposite couch.

"I need some advice."

I smiled, "The doctor is in. That'll be 5¢, please."

He laughed, "Funny, you don't look like Lucy van Pelt!"

"And I'm happy about that. What's up?"

"Can this be totally confidential?"

"And unofficial?"

"Yes. José and Robby suggested I talk to you and said you'd probably agree."

"All I can say is 'tell me', and then we'll figure out how to solve the problem."

"I want to change rooms. I'm pretty sure my roommate and his girlfriend are using hard drugs, opium for sure."

"Sweet-smelling smoke?" I asked.

"Yeah. And I'm pretty sure I walked in on them doing lines — mirror with white residue and a straw on the table."

His roommate was a Junior who hadn't been on our floor for his first two years at Taft. And the last thing I wanted was police involvement, but there really wasn't much I could do about that. On the other hand, I could simply endorse Gene moving, as there was another guy whose roommate had dropped out after one semester. All it would take is my signature on a housing form which said he and his roommate had irreconcilable differences and that mediation was unlikely to resolve them. On the other hand, if it ever got out that Gene had reported the situation, I could get in serious trouble for not dealing with it.

"Is your roommate in your room now?"

"No, he and Beth are out."

"Let's walk down there. If I don't see or smell anything, I'll endorse a move request you file with campus housing, and we'll leave it at that. I mean, unless you want me to report this and have the dean call the cops."

"No way. I don't want to be a narc! I just don't want to be around that stuff."

"You know if I notice anything, then I absolutely have to report it. You don't have anything in your room that would get you in trouble, right?"

He laughed, "Just my stack of Playboy magazines, which I read for the articles, of course."

"Of course," I chuckled. "Those aren't against the rules, though it would be against the rules to have, say, a centerfold hanging in your room."

"You wouldn't mind giving me a thirty-second head start, would you?" he asked.

I laughed, "No, I wouldn't mind. Go on. I'll come by your room in a couple of minutes."

"Thanks. Robby said you were totally cool."

"I try my best."

He left, and I waited three minutes by my watch, then walked down the hallway to Gene's room. I walked in and didn't see anything obvious in the common area, and when I walked close to Jamie, the roommate's door, I smelled a VERY faint odor.

"Incense," I said aloud.

"Really?"

"As far as you and I know," I replied. "Go to campus housing and get the form to change rooms. Fill it out, cite 'irreconcilable differences', and I'll sign off. There's another room on this floor, and Ned is pretty cool. He's a Freshman math major, minoring in computers. His 'drug of choice' is Mountain Dew, and the only thing I could imagine he snorts is Chee-tos dust!"

Gene laughed, "Talk about frying your brain!"

"I know, right?"

"Thanks, Mike."

"You're welcome."

I went back to my room, and Jocelyn came in about five minutes later.

"Everything OK?"

"Just a room change; no big deal."

"Can I talk to you about something?"

"If you can't, who can?"

"Clarissa," Jocelyn replied with just a hint of jealousy. "But that's my own damned fault."

"I thought we agreed to let the past stay in the past and focus on the present and the future. We've made good progress, Jos. So what can I help you with?"

"I'm not sure Bill is the right guy."

"What brought this on? I thought things were going well."

"I'm not sure. I just keep getting this feeling that it's a dead end."

"Have you talked about the future?" I asked.

"Only in a general way because I still have another year before I graduate and then three years of law school."

"I take it you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with him."

"No. I don't know..." she sighed. "I guess I don't feel close to him. Not even close like you and me, and nothing like you and Clarissa."

"Will you do me one important favor? Please?"

"What?"

"Stop comparing yourself to Clarissa. You are special to me, and you always will be."

"But..."

"No 'buts' about it," I replied. "You are special. Period. I guess I'm probably the wrong person to ask about that one because I'm marrying for pragmatic purposes, and I'm marrying the one person I didn't drive away with my warnings about how much it's going to suck for the next five years."

Jocelyn smirked, "I thought it was how much SHE was going to suck..."

I chuckled, "I prefer intercourse, and you know it! But the point is, my heart isn't guiding me. If it was..."

"You'd drop all of it for Angie. Which is why you said you felt like Sonny Liston."

"Pretty much. But, in the end, my heart has to belong to Elizaveta, even if getting to that point is a long journey. You, on the other hand, need emotional closeness. You never got that from Carl, did you?"

"No, and that's probably why you were my first lover instead of him."

"But you and Bill..."

"Yes, but it's just sex, not making love."

"Ouch. Even when you and I were at our lowest point, it was NEVER 'just sex' for you, even though there were times you pretended it was. And even when you were trying to hurt me, you faked 'just sex'; you didn't actually do it. Was it ever 'making love' with Bill?"

"I thought so, at least at first. Now, I'm sure it wasn't. I think it was a mistake."

"If that's true, you don't need my advice."

Jocelyn smiled, "I think I just needed to be able to say it out loud, and I knew you'd understand."

"Because Jos and Mik know each other really, really well."

"What time will you be back tonight?"

"Well, I have Vespers and then dinner at Elizaveta's house. I'm usually back by about 10:00pm."

"Be here for me?"

"Always! I'm actually going to leave in a few minutes, so I have time to talk to Father Nicholas before Vespers."

"I've seen you in less than you'll have on when you change!"

"Quite true, but you know the concern."

"I do. I'll see you when you get back."

We hugged, and she left my room, closing the door behind her. I changed into my usual attire for church — black slacks and a black button-down shirt. I turned off the stereo, put on my coat, hat, and gloves, then walked out of my room. I locked the door, took the elevator down to the lobby, then walked out to the parking lot and got into my car. Twenty minutes later, Father Nicholas and I were standing together, in our cassocks, in the nave.

"Do you need confession?" he asked.

"Constantly," I replied.

He laughed, "Yes, of course, but is there anything major that we need to deal with in your interior life?"

"Not that requires confession, though Father Stephen treated our conversation as confession."

"Wise. We should do that as well."

I nodded, and he went to the vestry and returned wearing his epitrachil. As Father Stephen had done earlier, he put it around my shoulders and said the prayers for the beginning of confession. Once they were completed, we went to sit on benches against the wall of the nave.

"Father Stephen will be in touch," I said. "He was going to speak with Doctor Mercer, then with you and His Grace. His goal is to work out the best course of action for Angie's spiritual health, in addition to her mental health."

"I take it this means you've made your decision?"

I nodded, "And in the process learned something very, very important."

"What's that?"

"The true value of spiritual discipline — constant prayer cleared my mind and allowed me to focus on school, rather than obsessing over the situation with Angie, and then, the answer simply presented itself."

"When did the answer come to you?"

"As soon as I got into my car to drive to Milford, but I wasn't sure until I walked into Doctor Mercer's office."

"As His Grace said, the spiritual riches and wisdom of the Church are there, if you are willing to make use of them. Think about what happened and lay it out for me."

"By quieting my mind with prayer, I allowed myself to focus on my school work and didn't obsess over the situation with Angie. And by quieting my mind, I let the Holy Spirit work instead of allowing the world to drown out that 'still, small voice'. And I don't mean in the sense that I heard an actual voice, just that the answer came unbidden, without obsession. Combining prayer with fasting helped bring my body, heart, mind, and soul into sync, though my heart isn't completely in sync because of how much I care for Angie."

"There's nothing wrong with that, Subdeacon. In fact, when properly directed, it's a sign of a pastoral heart. The question is, have you pulled back from inappropriate feelings for her?"

"Will you accept that I'm working on it?"

"Yes. I wouldn't expect you to be able to simply turn off those kinds of feelings. But I also know you well enough that the spiritual discipline has helped you control those feelings sufficiently to move forward."

"I'm going to need your help in dealing with the fallout."

Father Nicholas nodded, "I understand. I know we'll probably hear this from the psychologist, but how bad?"

"Five percent of schizophrenics commit suicide, and only twenty percent are able to function in a limited fashion. She hasn't developed psychosis, but this might be enough to push her over the edge and require psychoactive drugs and institutionalization."

"Lord, have mercy!"

"You haven't had to deal with anything like this?"

"Nothing like this. The only referrals I've ever done have been for depression, and I had one person seriously contemplating suicide about ten years ago. I have no experience in this area."

"Sadly, I do now. As Doctor Mercer said, fixing bodies is much, much easier than fixing minds."

"Of that, I have no doubt. I've spoken to Doctor Evgeni at length over the years. Do you know when I'll hear from Father Stephen?"

"I'd suspect soon. He was planning to call Doctor Mercer this afternoon."

"You can go back to your usual fasting rule, but I'd like you to keep the prayer rule for now."

"Yes, Father," I replied.

"Shall we vest?" he asked.

We got up from the bench and began our usual routine, which culminated about ninety minutes later when we removed our vestments after Vespers. I received Father's blessing and then left for dinner at Elizaveta's house.

When I arrived, she greeted me with a soft kiss, and we went immediately to the dining room to have dinner. After dinner, I had coffee with Viktor while Elizaveta and her mom did the dishes, and then Elizaveta and I took a walk in the light snow, which had begun while we were eating. As usual for our walks, we were mostly quiet while we walked hand-in-hand, and when we returned to the house, we sat in front of a roaring fire with mugs of hot chocolate. We shared another soft kiss when I left to head back to campus, where Jocelyn was waiting for me.

"That bad?" I asked, noting the look on her face and her bloodshot eyes.

She nodded, and we went into my room. I closed the door most of the way, and we sat side-by-side on the couch. I considered my options and very quickly decided on a course of action — I put my arm around Jocelyn's shoulders. She leaned into me, drew her legs up on the couch, and sighed deeply.

"What happened?"

"Bill accused me of not really trying and of being hung up on you."

Suddenly, I wasn't so sure my arm around Jocelyn was a good idea, but I didn't flinch.

"And?" I asked apprehensively.

"I walked away from him, came back to the dorm, went to my room, and cried."

Which told me one or both of his accusations were accurate.

"Was it just that, or did you talk about it?"

"We didn't talk," she replied. "He just said those things, and I walked away."

"Were you really trying with him? It looked to me as if you were, though we didn't really talk about it."

"I don't know for sure, which means I probably wasn't."

"And the other thing?"

"I told him all about our trio after our triple date with Dale and how I hoped to get close to you again."

"We always did come as a matched set," I replied.

"Until I blew things up."

"I have as much responsibility for what happened between us, and maybe more, because of what I did. I wasn't there for you the way you needed me to be there."