Chapter 43: A Strong Prescription

Theophany, January 6, 1985, McKinley, Ohio

After I dropped Elizaveta at home, I took a chance and drove to Father Nicholas' house. Matushka Natalya greeted me at the door and let me in. Father Nicholas invited me to his study.

"Sorry to bother you at home, but the bishop suggested I speak to you."

"Am I going to be happy at the end of this conversation?"

"Angie drove from Cincinnati on New Year's Day to talk to me."

"I thought she wasn't supposed to drive!"

"She's not; she did it anyway."

"What did she say?" Father Nicholas asked.

"She wants to resume our relationship, of course."

"Mike, may I be a bit flip?"

"Of course."

"That's another fine mess you've gotten us into!"

"Oh, it gets worse," I sighed. "It's made me think about how I feel about her."

"Lord have mercy! And you told Vladyka that?"

"He asked me if I was struggling, and it was clear he thought I was, so I told him. He gently reprimanded me for not talking to you, then told me to talk to you, to fast, and to pray."

Father Nicholas' lips formed a wry smile, "He has a way of discerning when his clergy are out of sorts, even if we think we're putting on our 'game face', as it were."

"I did speak with Doctor Mercer, and I'm going to see her on Saturday. Vladyka suggested I speak with Father Stephen as well."

"I think you better lay this out from the start."

I nodded and took him through everything that had happened from the time Angie had shown up at the door until the moment I came to his door.

"What is it you want, Mike?" he asked when I finished.

"To do the right thing and to not hurt anyone."

"Those two things are often mutually exclusive."

"I know," I sighed.

"Vladyka is right, of course, in that your heart must be fully committed to whatever decision you make. And it is also the case that Angie is responsible for her actions. That said, I know from experience that if anything bad happens with her, you're going to blame yourself. And it's going to hit you very, very hard. But, and this is very important, you can't let the potential for bad results be the deciding factor. You know as well as I do, maybe even more from your work with your therapist, that it's entirely possible that the worst result would come from attempting a relationship with Angie."

"I know."

"We often 'know' lots of things, and yet, we don't act as if we actually know anything at all. Like His Grace, I can't tell you what to do except to say that you need to carefully consider the cost of your actions."

"Something Clarissa and I discussed, along with building on a foundation of bedrock, not sand."

"Until this is resolved, I want you to add the daily Psalter readings to your prayers, and I want you to keep the Hours, adjusting for times when you are in class. I'm also going to give you a strict fasting rule — one full meal a day, according to the strictest Lenten rule, with whatever you need in the way of nuts, berries, or greens to ensure you are able to complete your studies. Nothing but water or tea to drink. Do you accept this rule?"

"Yes, Father."

"Good. And when you are walking to class or sitting listening to music, I want you to pray the 'Jesus Prayer' with your «chotki»."

"Yes, Father."

"Good. I will pray that the Holy Spirit gives you proper discernment for whatever course you need to take, but I also want you to listen to your therapist and to Father Stephen. Remember, Mike, it's synergy. Prayer isn't magic; it's meant to tune us into the correct channel, if you will. And the Holy Spirit won't whisper in your ear, but He will work through the doctors and clergy and through you. Your job is to discern what is in your heart and what you need to do."

"You wouldn't happen to know where I can find a «старец» (staretz), would you?" ("Elder")

"Besides Mount Athos or some deeply wooded area of the Urals? Very unlikely. That said, there are some who say that Father Roman Braga (See: https://oca.org/in-memoriam/archimandrite-roman-braga), who was the priest at Holy Trinity in Youngstown but who is now at the Monastery of the Holy Transfiguration in Ellwood City, Pennsylvania, might be one. Would you like for me to arrange for you to see him?"

"Do you think it would do any good?" I inquired.

"That's the wrong question," Father Nicholas gently corrected. "It's whether or not YOU think it will do any good."

"There's also the practical matter that it's a bit over four hours each way."

"I daresay eight hours in a car is a small price to pay for good spiritual advice, if you feel you need it."

"I think I'll wait to make that decision until I see Doctor Mercer and then talk with Father Stephen. I'll follow the prescription you gave me as well."

"That's a reasonable decision, Subdeacon. When will you see Elizaveta?"

"At church on Wednesday," I replied. "We'll have our usual Friday date, then dinner on Saturday at her house, and our usual afternoon and evening with Tasha and Nik on Sunday. I'll resume my Tuesday dinners with Viktor next week."

"I'd like you to call me each evening, though we can speak in person on Wednesday and Saturday. Just to check in on how you're doing."

"Yes, Father."

"And eat whatever the Kozlovs serve for dinner, Mike. There's no need to reveal this to anyone."

"Yes, Father."

"Then I'll talk to you tomorrow evening and see you Wednesday unless you need to see me before then for some reason."

I received his blessing, and he walked me to the door. We said 'good night', I got into my car, and headed back to campus. We'd moved into our dorms and bought our books on Saturday, so everything was ready for our first day of our last semester. I found Clarissa and invited her to my room. I greeted a few others on the way, but when Clarissa and I got to my room, I shut the door for privacy.

"The bishop basically intuited I was struggling, so he knows what's going on. I also went to Father Nicholas after I dropped Elizaveta at home, so he knows as well. I have a very strict prayer and fasting rule at the moment."

"Punishment?"

I laughed softly, "Not at all. Asceticism is a very traditional form of spiritual discipline used for many purposes. In this case, it's to help me focus and get my heart, body, mind, and soul in agreement. But, as always, it's in conjunction with professional and spiritual help; in this case, Doctor Mercer and, very likely, Angie's pastor. And if I need it, there's a very spiritual monk at the monastery in Ellwood City, Pennsylvania, who I can visit."

"All that because you had a few stray thoughts about Angie?"

"Because that's where it starts," I replied. "Let me ask this — do you think an affair just happens instantaneously? That a man goes from being a faithful, devoted husband to jumping into bed with another woman in the blink of an eye? Or does it start much sooner when he acts on a stray thought? And by 'acting', it could be so little as a kind word to a woman he finds attractive."

"I'd say in most cases it's as you say; it starts with flirting, or whatever, and then progresses. And I suppose even the flirting doesn't have to be conscious when it comes right down to it. But at some point, he begins to see her in a different light."

"Exactly. Now, think that through in my case."

"Oh, shit," Clarissa said, her voice barely a whisper.

"Yeah. That's MY path to destruction."

"Then you CAN'T consider Angie in that way."

"And yet, I have. And I need to know why. And I need to get my heart right, or it's all going to end in tears, no matter what I do."

"Maybe you and I shouldn't tease each other," she said quietly.

"You made it quite clear you aren't going to have sex with a guy again, and your moment of weakness won't involve me. It'll be some cute female nurse or doctor or med student who plays for the other team. Well, 'other' from my perspective."

"And yours will be ... a study partner or fellow Resident to whom you get close without realizing just how close you've become. And that's what the REAL problem is."

I nodded, "And one I think both the bishop and Father Nicholas understand. Stray thoughts will always come, but if we don't actively fight them, they have a way of taking hold, even when we know they aren't in our own best interest."

"Are you talking about you or me?"

"Both. What's the most dangerous stray thought you've had?"

"Thinking about marrying you is anything but a stray thought, Petrovich!"

"But it started that way, didn't it? And I'm talking about the recent thought, not our original experiment."

Clarissa took a deep breath, let it out, and answered, "Yes."

"Think about the seeds of destruction sown there if you had suppressed who you are in favor of what began as a stray thought?"

"But won't that result in a closed mind? If you discard every stray or random thought? You'll turn into a fanatic like that idiot preacher who couldn't see beyond his own feedback loop."

"Fortunately, Orthodoxy has never fought with science, so I have two thousand years of tradition and wisdom to help me discern the 'good' stray thoughts from the 'bad' ones."

"The spiritual discipline!" Clarissa exclaimed.

"Exactly. Constant prayer helps keep one's mind from wandering; physical discipline such as fasting trains our bodies and provides an example for our souls. If we think about the current topic, it's as if I walked into a buffet where I have limitless choices, but I'm on a strict diet from a doctor due to some health condition. Eat the wrong things, and I die. Eat the right things, and I live. Think about that for a moment."

Clarissa was quiet and closed her eyes. They popped open a moment later.

"The 'tree of knowledge of good and evil' in the Garden of Eden!"

"And the lesson?"

"The metaphor of the 'forbidden fruit'," Clarissa nodded. "Which we use for things like having an affair."

"Life lessons, straight from Scripture, without the Bible having to be literally true."

"I'm curious: did Adam and Eve have sex before they ate from the tree?"

"Duh!" I chuckled. "Two naked people, alone in a beautiful garden with nothing to do but eat and..."

"Fuck!" Clarissa completed the sentence as we both laughed together.

"Pretty much. And given that Orthodoxy teaches that sexuality is part of the normal human condition and that it is the perfect metaphor of complete union — the two become one flesh — there would be no reason for them not to make love or procreate before 'The Fall'. And by the way, do you know that cars are mentioned in the Bible?"

"Cars?"

"Sure. God drove Adam and Eve from the Garden in a 'Fury'. And later, all the apostles were in one 'Accord'. Motorcycles, too — David rode his 'Triumph' out of Jerusalem."

"Oh, stop!" Clarissa laughed. "Seriously?"

"Baseball and tennis, too!" I continued. "The story starts 'In the Big Inning', and later, Joseph served in Pharaoh's court."

"That's getting worse, Petrovich!"

"You know the toy 'Stretch Armstrong', right?"

"Stop it, Petrovich!"

"Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked into the desert."

"I'm going to kick YOUR ass if you don't stop, Petrovich!"

"One more. How do Orthodox Christians settle disputes?"

"I have no idea," Clarissa replied, clearly exasperated by the puns.

"With canons."

"One more, and I'll crown you with many crowns!"

"Hah! Now YOU'RE doing it!"

"Shit! You really are a complete goofball!"

"Yes, but for the next week or so, I'm going to be a monk. Once I say my evening prayers tonight, it's 'sober, reserved, introspective Mike' for the next week, at least."

"People will notice."

"Yes, they will. I'll spend more time alone, too. But I will make time for you. And before you object, you are not going to cause problems for me. And I will need someone to talk to."

"I can't say I'm in tune with where you're going, but I'll try to help however I can."

"And I very much appreciate that."

January 7, 1985, McKinley, Ohio

On Monday morning, I arose very early and read the Matins service, then went to the gym to run. After my run and shower, I read the 'First Hour' prayers, and because of my class schedule, the 'Third Hour' prayers as well. They were to be done at 6:00am and 9:00am, respectively, but on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I'd have to combine them. The 'Sixth Hour' prayers were to be done at noon, but I'd do them right before lunch. The 'Ninth Hour' prayers were done at 3:00pm, and then Vespers after dinner but before studying. Finally, Compline and the 'Midnight Office' before I went to bed. All in all, it would consume better than four hours of my day. Fortunately, I had my own copies of the Octoechos, Horologion, and Typikon, so I didn't need to acquire any books.

I'd debated about what meal to eat and how best to handle things and decided that a full meal at lunch was the best option because I could have PB&J sandwiches and fruit, which were always available in the cafeteria. I'd have tea and a small serving of fruit for breakfast and a small salad for dinner. That all fit within Father's prescription, and I had mixed nuts in my room if I needed them.

I joined the gang to walk to breakfast after completing my prayers.

"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!" Fran declared in her usual way as we walked to the cafeteria. "For the last time!"

"Until we start medical school, and then ... ugh!" Sandy groused.

"Poor babies," Lara teased. "Six-figure incomes await! And status as 'gods'!"

"If Mike is going to be a 'god', I do NOT want to live in THAT universe!" Sandy replied.

"And if you need a doctor in the ER ten years from now, who would you want to take care of you?" Robby asked.

"Oh, shut up!" Sandy groused, but she was laughing.

We arrived at the cafeteria, and when I sat down with a cup of tea and a small bowl of blueberries, raspberries, and strawberries, I got a few looks, but nobody said anything. Even Sophia didn't keep close track of the fasting calendar, so they were used to me eating differently. I suspected someone would ask at dinner, but there really wasn't a way to avoid those questions. I'd need a plausible answer which didn't reveal my internal struggles.

When we finished breakfast, we went back to the dorm to get our books, and Sandy, Clarissa, and I headed for our Abnormal Psych class. It was a fitting way to start my last semester at Taft, given the struggles I was having over Angie, which were, in effect, brought about by psychological problems.

"Welcome to Abnormal Psychology. I am Doctor Beverly Johnson. One in four people are, at some point in their lives, diagnosed with some form of mental disorder. You will, without question, encounter many people in your lives with mental disorders. We'll learn the signs, symptoms, causes, and treatments, both historical and modern, and trace the development of the science of psychiatry and psychology. If you'll pick up the syllabus, which was on your chair when you came in, we'll begin."

I had already met people like that, and they were very dear to me. I hoped, from the class, to get a better understanding, no matter which path I walked through life. We were required to do two research papers, and I was certain I was going to do one on schizophrenia. I was sure as the course progressed, a second topic that mattered to me personally would reveal itself.

After abnormal psych, we went to our physical chemistry class, where we met Fran, Jason, and Pete. It was being taught by a new professor with a thick Slavic accent named Alex Melnicheck. He turned out to be a Ukrainian defector who had been in the US for about four years. The syllabus was about what I had expected, and the lab work was going to be tough, as once again, honors students would have more detailed and thorough analyses to do.

When the class ended, we walked back to the dorm, and I went to my room to say my prayers, then joined the gang for lunch.

"Didn't you just finish a fasting period?" Robby asked, looking at my lunch.

"Yes," I replied. "But sometimes we fast for reasons other than the calendar. It's fairly common amongst Orthodox, especially the clergy. It's particularly effective in helping you settle your mind so you are able to see clearly."

"Monk Michael?" Sophia asked with a silly smile.

"That'll be the day!" Lara replied mirthfully, causing general laughter amongst the girls and head-shaking amongst the guys.

"How's your arm, Robby?" José asked.

"Better. Especially given the asshole bigot is cooling his heels in the county jail."

"How long did he get?"

"I was in court when they were sentenced," I interjected. "Thirty days and six months probation for the ringleader, plus a fine and restitution. The other guys got probation, fines, and restitution."

"The restitution covered the deductible on the insurance, plus a bit, so in the end, it only cost me a bit of discomfort."

"There are members of the church who are pretty unhappy," Clarissa said. "Just keep your eyes open."

"Did something happen?" Lee asked.

"I was confronted by a member of their church," I said. "But other than standing just in front of my left-front bumper for a few minutes to keep me from pulling away from the curb, he didn't really bother me."

"And one of the dads gave you grief after the sentencing hearing, right?" Clarissa asked.

"Sure, but I honestly think that was to be expected. Personally, I'll be interested to see if anyone shows up on Saturday."