Chapter 39: I Can’t Lose You

December 28, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

"That's how you left it?" Clarissa asked later that evening as we sat by the fireplace.

"Given I didn't have an answer to her question, there wasn't really anything more I could say. She didn't make me leave or anything, and we had a nice dinner with her parents and maternal grandparents. And she kissed me properly when I left."

"That's good, I think."

"I think it's neutral, which is, I suppose, 'good' from one perspective."

"I think you were right about needing to resolve this now rather than later. I also think you were right to say you were going to have a talk with Doctor Mercer."

"Actually, I didn't say that to Elizaveta," I replied. "I said that Doctor Mercer had advised me to be completely honest. The 'have a talk with Doctor Mercer' was an internal conversation with myself. Sorry if that wasn't clear."

"It wasn't, but that does make sense. Does she know I'm here?"

I nodded, "I told her you were coming back tonight and that you planned to stay the rest of break as we discussed. You were going to come back on Monday anyway, so you could be at the New Year's Eve party here."

"And you haven't spilled the beans about us?"

I shook my head, "That's private between you and me, with the exception that Jocelyn obviously knows, as does Doctor Mercer. And we told Sandy in Cincinnati. In everyone else's mind, all we do is cuddle. Heck, nobody has seen us kiss beyond the kiss on the cheek when you left to go home, and I'm not sure anyone even saw that. I was very careful to tell Elizaveta that revealing confidences was «некультурный» (nekulturny), and she didn't object to that. She obviously knows about Tasha because they've talked, and she guessed I was with Jocelyn and, from my comment about what I said to my dad, that I was with other girls. She hasn't asked the number, and I haven't volunteered." ("inappropriate")

"If you did, you think that would be the end of it?"

"I think if she's struggling with four, the actual number would absolutely be the end of it. But it's a bit deeper than that, as I said."

"Her concerns about her own adequacy as a lover and you comparing her to other girls."

"Exactly. I don't compare, except in sort of a general way, in that I'm much more interested in gentleness than being wild."

"Duh!" Clarissa replied with a laugh. "I think some days you'd rather cuddle than have sex!"

"Some days, I would," I replied. "As Sandy and I discussed, it was sleeping, and I mean the actual sleeping part, that was the best part of our relationship. It wasn't that the sex was bad or boring or anything; it was the physical closeness that really made it work for both of us."

"After she worked out her stress by having you fuck her brains out!"

"Perhaps," I grinned.

"I'm not sure what you can do about the adequacy question if you're going to stick to your commitment to be chaste until your wedding."

"I have no choice in the matter because I ran right to the end of the cliff on that topic with regard to ordination. I went way beyond pushing the edge of the envelope and stopping just before it was ripped to shreds. Basically, Father Nicholas gave me enough rope with which to hang myself, and I nearly did so."

"So you regret being sexually active?"

"I regret letting it get out of control," I replied. "Jocelyn, Emmy, Milena, Kimiko, and you are the ones I can truly come to terms with in my mind. The rest? Probably not, though in varying degrees of 'not'. Individually, I can justify, at least in my mind, nearly all of them, but taken as a whole, I can't. I basically did exactly what I was worried I would do — the slippery slope of letting my weakness control me. What I wanted was closeness, and sex was a way to get that. And while I'm not blaming them, what happened with Jocelyn and Angie created the perfect situation for me to fail."

"What's your next step?"

"Well, unless I call her emergency number, I won't be able to see Doctor Mercer until after New Year's. I probably need to speak with Father Nicholas, though I'm not quite sure what to say to him."

"Because the confession rules make it such that you could tell him you were having sex, but not with whom, and just as you did with Elizaveta, you effectively misled him."

"You're not helping, Lissa," I sighed. "Unless your goal is to get me to beat myself up even more."

"But it's true, right?"

"Yes. And even if I talk to him about it, he won't ask the number — I'd have to volunteer it. But he does know there were multiple girls."

"You can refuse to answer, obviously, but does HE know about Tasha?"

"That's an interesting question. She was attending Holy Transfiguration at that point, so Father Herman was her confessor. She told Nik she wasn't a virgin, and he put two and two together and came up with Mike and Tasha. I have no idea if he or Tasha said anything to Father Nicholas about her not being a virgin. Nik was upset, as I told you, but she said she talked him off the ledge, so to speak, and he's been nothing but friendly. Yes, I got the evil eye once, but he and Elizaveta are basically in the same boat with the ex-lover situation."

"Nik is a virgin?"

"I prefer to assume that's the case rather than think he's a hypocrite."

"He wouldn't be the first guy to be sexually active but demand a virgin bride."

"No, but it would be highly hypocritical. You know my take on that issue."

"That you can't hold anyone to a higher standard than the one to which you hold yourself."

"Or, in Bible terms — Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Fundamentally, that's about hypocrisy. Too many people read it as a command not to judge, but that's not what it says. It says you're going to be judged according to your OWN standards. And I quoted the rest because it's one of the key verses I try to practice, though I usually use log and splinter, but I quoted the New King James, which is what we use in church."

"Which is why your friends have no trouble with you being religious — you don't rub their noses in it."

"What good would that do? Honestly, it doesn't even make sense, in addition to being the exact opposite of what Jesus did! Remember when we were talking to Glenda, and I quoted Mahatma Gandhi? 'I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.' Even if that's apocryphal, truer words have never been spoken."

"But not you."

"Except I fail to live up to the perfection, and as such, I'm in no position to truly criticize. It's one thing to call out theological error or point out that a practice isn't helpful; it's a very different thing to condemn a 'sinner' when you have plenty of your own sins to worry about."

"I don't recall you ever saying Reverend Saddler was a sinner."

I chuckled, "If I had, it would have been a true statement. I never called out specific sins, at least not in the sense of calling them sins. I pointed out erroneous theology and what I felt were ineffective methods, which is far different from criticizing him as a person."

"Not who he is, but what he does?"

"Who he is, is a child of God, just as you are and just as I am. And I make my own mistakes, but generally, I mind my own business. It was only when he tried to use the Bible to attack my friends and was harassing them that I stepped in, which, by the way, was Jesus' model — go after the hypocrites who felt they were better than others. Otherwise, my approach has always been to do my best to model Christ's love for his fellow man and to live my life as best I could with a mortal body, which gives me a proclivity to sin.

"Go back one chapter in Matthew, and he writes 'But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.' Good advice, obviously, and in a chapter which absolutely and unequivocally condemns hypocrisy. My disdain for hypocrites is well-grounded in Scripture and theology. And I fully expect to be called out for my own hypocrisy when it rears its ugly head."

"What hypocrisy?"

"I wasn't thinking about anything specific, but I'm sure, in some way, I've acted hypocritically."

"That would be news to me and everyone else."

"And yet, it's likely true. In any event, I still have to figure out what to do about Elizaveta."

"Do you think she's going to call it off?"

"I think, more likely, she'd expect ME to call it off if I knew she was uncomfortable. And she'd be right, at least in the sense that I would take full responsibility for ending it."

"And?"

I shrugged, "I don't rightly know. Which is the same thing Elizaveta said. But I am convinced that if we don't find a way past this now, such that it never arises again, I'm compelled to call it off rather than risk complete disaster down the road."

"Divorce?"

"Or a completely unhappy marriage maintained simply for appearance' sake or for kids we might have together."

"That's a hell of a thing, Petrovich."

"TELL me about it," I sighed. "And worse, the one thing I need right now, more than anything, I can't do because it would be too risky."

"Sleep together? I mean, actually sleep."

"And that's the rub, if you will — being in bed with you, in even a slightly unstable emotional state, could lead to something disastrous."

"And you think I'd just drop my panties for you?"

"If you thought it would help me emotionally, I am reasonably sure you would. And I don't mean that in a negative way, if that even makes sense."

"As with just about everything in our relationship, it's crazy enough that it makes sense! It's why you identified the risk. And having had time to think about it, I'm absolutely sure you're right about it. And not just for you, but for me, too."

"Which is why we've drawn a bright red line and why we have to be ever-vigilant not to cross it, or really, even come close to it. That was settled once you turned down my proposal."

Clarissa laughed softly, "It wasn't real, even if it was sincere, if that makes sense."

"Not real, as in not in this reality, then yes, I agree. But I was certainly sincere about it, as you say."

"Speaking of lines, did you talk to Angie?"

"Yes. She's going to come to the wedding, and she'll come to the bridal shower they're throwing, though her mom will need to come to that. Angie isn't allowed to attend those kinds of things without supervision. Well, 'allowed' is the wrong term — Doctor Mercer strongly advises that she have someone who knows her really well be with her when she's in any place she might get overstimulated. She only goes to the mall with a close friend or her mom, and so on."

"That's just ... I don't know a word besides 'crazy', but that seems wrong."

"Because it is crazy," I replied. "Elizaveta knows how I feel about Angie, too."

"That has to be tough because you were deeply in love with Angie, and from what you've said, neither you nor Elizaveta have said 'I love you' to each other."

"No, we haven't, and yes, I suspect that's tough on Elizaveta. But this was never a love match, and the kind of love we'll have is «agápē»."

"With a bit of «érōs» thrown in?" Clarissa smirked.

"A bit," I chuckled.

"Can I ask you a very direct, very intimate question?"

"Asks my soulmate, with whom I've swapped spit and other fluids?" I grinned.

Clarissa laughed, "Nice one. 'Other fluids'?!"

"I was being polite. Go on."

"Have you thought about how you're going to approach your wedding night?"

"Not really," I replied. "Which angle concerns you?"

"The angle of the dangle..." Clarissa smirked.

"Jocelyn nearly killed her boyfriend our Junior year for repeating that!" I replied, laughing. "Dale and I found it hilarious!"

"I bet!" Clarissa replied mirthfully. "On both points! But seriously, it's probably related to her feelings of inadequacy — do you have a sweet, simple consummation, or do you, knowing her concern, give her an erotic night to remember? Or something in between?"

"I haven't given it any thought. But wouldn't that really be up to her?"

"Think about what she told you, Petrovich — she doesn't know anything more than she learned in sex ed and maybe the girls' locker room. Does she even know the possibilities? Is she in any position to ask? And with her concern about her skills, for lack of a better word, will she even be able to ask?"

"I hadn't even considered that," I replied.

"And it's more complicated than that — how is she going to react to you asking her to do things or having you do things?"

"You sure know how to cause trouble, Lissa," I replied.

"NOT thinking about it is going to cause trouble."

"You're right, of course," I replied. "I think I have a second, obviously related, topic to discuss with Doctor Mercer."

"Is going to see her, without telling Elizaveta, deceitful? And even if it's not, is it a good strategy?"

"You know Doctor Mercer is interested in a professional relationship in the future, and I'm helping with Angie as best I can as a layman, so I'm not sure how to answer that. Do I need to tell Elizaveta about every professional interaction I have?"

"But this isn't professional, it's personal — you're going for counseling. Would you tell her if you went for counseling for stress or whatever during training?"

"I think I'd have to, and I think I'd want to."

"Then I think you have to tell her you're going to go see Doctor Mercer."

"I think you're right. This is WAY more difficult than I expected; not that I expected it to be easy."

December 29, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

On Saturday morning, after Clarissa and I ate breakfast with Doctor Blahnik and Derek, I decided to call Doctor Mercer's office to see if, by chance, she was in and if she was available. She answered, and after a bit of back and forth, she suggested we simply speak by phone later in the morning when she'd finished her appointment. I decided that was the best option and that I could tell Elizaveta after the fact. Doctor Mercer called back about ninety minutes later, as we'd agreed.

"There was actually a good reason I suggested you come completely clean," Doctor Mercer said after I'd explained the situation.

"Yes, I know, and I hope you'll spare me more 'I told you so' answers."

"One per patient," Doctor Mercer said lightly. "It does have to be said to make a point, but beating a dead horse isn't very effective."

"No, it isn't. So, what's your advice?"

"In all honesty? Patience. She has to work through her concerns, and there really isn't much you can do except wait."

"I was afraid you might say that," I said, suppressing a sigh. "There is another issue, and that assumes we get through this crisis — how to approach our wedding night given her feelings of inadequacy."

"And you feel you can't really discuss it with her because she's going to compare herself to other girls and what they did."

"Exactly. Clarissa raised that potential problem last night when we were talking through my concerns."

"You need to be careful there."

"Trust me, I know," I replied.

"Yes, that, too. But you're already going to intimately share your school and work with Clarissa. Think how Elizaveta would feel if you also confided in Clarissa about marriage issues."

"«Говно» (gavno)!" I growled. "And to think last night I said this was harder than I expected it to be." ("Shit!")

"You didn't think this was going to be easy, did you?"

"No, of course not! That said, it is going to be WAY harder than I imagined."

"Marriage is hard to start with, and you're throwing in medical school, ordination, and distinctly different sexual histories. If you didn't think it was going to be extremely difficult, you weren't thinking clearly. I do recall you talking to me about how difficult it was going to be."

"I think I talked to you about how difficult it was going to be to find a young woman who could handle it more than the difficulty in actually starting the relationship. And that's what I was getting at — the difficulties I'm having now, which I didn't expect."

"You thought that once you found a young woman who would accept the conditions, everything would be rosy? You aren't that naïve, Mike!"

"I didn't think rosy, but I also agree I probably didn't think through the intimacy issue. And I don't mean sex by that."

"An 'emotional affair' can actually be far more devastating to a relationship, if you think about it."

"I suppose I can see that."

"Are you having second thoughts?"

"No," I replied. "I'm worried Elizaveta is having second thoughts."

"I'd say she is, and you need to be patient and let her work through this. I do need to ask what you'll do if she can't work through it or she hasn't worked through it by May."

"I don't know," I replied.

"If it isn't resolved, you can't go through with the marriage."

"I know," I replied. "I said that to Clarissa last night."

"Then you DO know what you'll do."

"I guess so," I sighed.

"Mike, just be patient right now. She's intelligent and mature, and she didn't rashly break things off with you. Give her time to work through everything, and when she's ready to talk to you about it, make sure you listen to what she has to say, take it to heart, and then decide what to do."