Chapter 33: Teaching and Learning

November 17, 1984, West Monroe, Ohio

"What did you say to get your dad to come upstairs?" Elizaveta asked as we climbed into my Mustang for the drive back to McKinley.

"I just insisted he keep his word to you."

"To me? I've never spoken to him until today!"

"The promise he made three years ago to love any girl I married and treat her like a daughter was made to you. Well, assuming I'm not in enough trouble with you that you're going to call off the wedding."

"You said you wanted to be honest with me, but you weren't before."

I took a deep breath and let it out.

"I was truthful insofar as what I said was the truth; it just wasn't the whole truth."

"Your mom asked me not to be too hard on you or judge you."

I smiled, "She would. But you're not her. You're you. I owe you an apology for not being completely forthright."

"Yes, you do. And before we talk more, you've confessed ALL of your, uhm, well, promiscuous behavior to Father Nicholas?"

"Yes."

"And it stopped when?"

"Before I came to your house the first time," I answered, saying a silent prayer of thanks.

I had the feeling that I might have just dodged the bullet and that my promise to Lara, based on my belief that being intimate with her would cloud our judgment, had, in effect, saved my relationship with Elizaveta. I had been fooling around with Grace, Dona, and Jocelyn, and Lara's request had been sufficient for me to stop. That had also saved my ordination, which I hadn't consciously known was at risk, something which should have been at the forefront of my mind.

"And just how extensive is this experience?" she asked, a hint of accusation in her voice.

"Very," I replied. "I knew what you would assume, and I let you assume that. Without saying names, which would be totally inappropriate, I suspect your assumption was correct. But there are others, stretching back to not long after I graduated from High School."

"Why?"

"The first person I was with was someone I had planned to marry, and she would have been the only one, ever. After that, well, to be honest, I liked doing it and justified what I was doing by blaming it on my weakness. I half-heartedly tried to stop a few times but wasn't successful."

"Then what made you stop?"

"A mix of things, but my resolve was cemented once you spoke to me. I told Father Nicholas that whatever it was that was truly driving my sinful behavior had to be controlled and conquered, or I couldn't rightly court you. Or Lara, for that matter."

"May I ask a question?"

"Except for giving names, I'll answer any question you ask," I replied. "And you don't have to ask my permission to ask. I meant what I said at the kitchen table — total honesty and openness, minus anything I'm ethically bound not to reveal. That's why I admitted my failures to you."

"Did you expect to marry a virgin? That she should be pure while you were not?"

"That would have been hypocritical of me to say that I could sin and that was OK but that she could not."

"So if I wasn't pure, you'd feel the same way about me?"

"I do my best not to be judgmental or to hold anyone to a standard higher than the one to which I hold myself. I don't always achieve that ideal, but it is what I strive for. It wouldn't change anything about how I feel for you, nor would it change my desire to marry you."

"And you don't think it should change my desire?"

"That's up to you," I replied warily. "If I've failed to meet your standards, then you have to decide how to move forward, if at all."

"What do you want?"

"The same thing I've always wanted," I replied. "A faithful Orthodox wife with whom I can raise faithful kids, and who will be a partner in my callings, both spiritual and secular, and help me be a better man. I want that person to be you."

"And if you discover other girls were better? Then what?"

"There is no comparison I can possibly imagine to making love to my wife."

"I don't believe that. My friends say it can be good or bad."

"Do you think it's purely about how it feels physically, or do you think it's more than that?"

"How would I know?" she protested. "I haven't done it!"

"What do you think? That it's just a matter of having fun? Or is there more to it?"

"I think there is more to it, but I wonder if you really do. If you were with many girls, how can it ever be special for you?"

She had a VERY good point, and I didn't have a good answer; in fact, I had NO answer when it came right down to it. Or did I? There was ONE person with whom it was very different and very special — Milena. That was true, even compared to my first time with Jocelyn in Cincinnati. And it had been the true emotional, spiritual, mental, and, yes, romantic connection I'd had with Milena that had made it better. And, to my surprise, as I thought about it, better than it had been with Clarissa, though I suspected that was because I had known in my heart of hearts that Clarissa and I could never marry.

"I think there's a difference between having sex with someone and truly making love with them," I replied carefully. "The physical part is actually the easy part, and I have no doubt that it will be good. The rest of it, though — spiritual, emotional, romantic, and mental — makes it very, very different. Connecting each of those is FAR more important than connecting bodies."

"You didn't love any of those girls?"

"That's a complicated question, but I never loved anyone as my wife, and I never will, except for the woman who becomes my wife. And that's the important point and why we're doing all the things we're doing to prepare for the kind of closeness necessary for a successful marriage. I promise I will love you the way a husband should love his wife."

"If that's true, I wonder what promises you made to those girls to make them want to do that with you."

"Would you believe me if I told you none of them required any promises?"

"No."

"Even if that's the absolute truth? That I made no promises of the kind you're suggesting to any of them?"

"And if I were to ask Tasha, she'd agree that was true?"

"I'd really prefer not to name names, but do you think if I was with Tasha in that way, and I lied to her or broke my word to her, that she would be friends with us in the way she is? And want to spend time with us?"

"I don't know, but I suppose not. But why would Nik accept such a thing?"

"I suppose the answer to that question will be found in your own heart when you decide what to do about what I've told you."

"I'm not happy."

"I understand."

"You should have told me before when you admitted that you were experienced."

"I was afraid it would upset you and that it would prevent us from moving forward. Both Father Nicholas and Doctor Mercer advised me to tell you. I elected not to follow their advice for my own selfish reasons."

"Because you wanted to marry me?"

"Yes."

"And that was selfish?"

"Yes, because I didn't view it from your perspective and didn't consider how it would look to you."

"How does it look to me?"

"That I deceived you and misrepresented myself, at least with regard to the degree of my indiscretions."

"Did you tell me in front of your mom so I wouldn't be able to become angry?"

"No. I told you there because I made the comment about being completely open and honest, and I had failed to do that. I'm sorry."

"You've said that, and I accept your apology and forgive you. But that doesn't resolve the situation."

"No, it doesn't."

"Will you tell me the complete truth about Liz? There is something missing."

This was one of the family secrets I'd thought of when I'd told my mom I was going to reveal everything, though I didn't have Liz's permission. I'd have to confess to her that I'd shared things with Elizaveta without permission, but given everything that had happened, I didn't see a way around it. I couldn't do anything that looked as if I wasn't being forthright with Elizaveta, or everything WOULD come crashing down around me.

"There is. Before she took up with Paul, she was raped by her boyfriend and his friends."

"No!" Elizaveta gasped.

"They're all in prison now," I replied. "And for a long time. That came out when everything that happened with Paul was revealed. And all of that happened before I graduated from High School, though I didn't find out until a few weeks after graduation."

"That's just terrible!"

"I know. And to be honest, everything that happened with Liz pretty much led the family directly to where we are right now."

"Your dad seems very, very upset. He barely said anything to me."

"But he did make the effort to say 'hello' and tell you that he'll be at our wedding. The fact that he came upstairs is a big improvement over the past, but I don't think we're out of the woods, and it's unclear if we ever will be. If he can't overcome his guilt, then he and my mom are going to end up divorced."

"All because of what happened to Liz."

"Yes. And there's more to it than just the rape — drug use, promiscuity, and an abortion."

"Oh my God!" Elizaveta gasped.

"That's what our family has been trying to deal with. And despite all of that, Liz has a job, is going to school, and, in a couple of weeks, will be marrying the man who loves her. I consider that a miracle, especially given how bad things were."

"And you stuck by her through the whole thing?"

"Yes. Only Emmy and I fully supported Liz every step of the way without condemning her or shunning her. There were all kinds of ugly accusations that flew around, both in the family and outside the family, which I'll share if you insist, but I'd prefer not to talk about, as they're all completely resolved."

"I may ask in the future."

"Which will be your right as my wife."

"And you still think I should be your wife after what you've told me about your behavior?"

"Should? I can't answer that. But I do want you to be. You are everything I want and need in a partner for the rest of my life."

"Is there anything else you are hiding from me? Or are you afraid I will discover?"

"No."

"And you can be faithful to me?"

"Yes."

"Consider yourself on probation," she said firmly.

"Thank you," I replied, letting out a sigh of relief.

November 17, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

"What led you to change your mind?" Father Nicholas asked when we met privately before our pre-marital counseling session.

"The entire situation at home with my parents. There are things of which I'm aware which I can't share with you because they're between my parents and between them and their confessor. But in the end, I made the comment to my mom that I was going to share everything with Elizaveta and be completely honest and open with her about everything. And at that moment, I realized I needed to tell her that I'd basically misled her with the truth."

"Not all deception is borne from lies, Subdeacon."

"I know. And that's something I have to pay very close attention to in many areas, but especially when talking with my patients and their families. Hope is important, but false hope is worse than no hope."

"I can speak from a pastoral perspective and tell you that the most important thing is to ensure you choose your words carefully. How you convey something is as important as what you convey. And you have to consider how the other person is going to receive what you say. With you, for example, I can be blunt and direct, and I actually need to be; with others, I need to use a bit more finesse and subtlety. You're learning how to talk with the young woman who will be your wife, and that's probably the most important skill for future happiness — the ability to tailor HOW you say something to her needs. No lies, no deception, but putting things in a way that conveys whatever you're trying to say in love."

"She put me on probation."

"Frankly, you're lucky not to have had a rolling pin upside the head," Father Nicholas said with a smile.

"You didn't hear her tone of voice. I got the figurative two-by-four to the forehead. She took me to task for quite a few things, including how I treated the other girls, even though she never said a word about it directly."

"She's an intelligent, mature young woman who has paid close attention to how her mother, grandmothers, and the other women in the church keep their men in line. And that includes me!"

"Let's just say that crossing Matushka Natalya would likely be fatal."

"I believe you will be in the exact same situation! And you did say that you agreed with Mr. Sokolov that God gives us wives to make us better men. Elizaveta is already working on you."

I nodded, "I know. And to be honest, she's been far more effective than anyone else. It's EASY for me to do what she wants."

"That's one of the secrets of a happy marriage. I'm not saying be submissive or allow her to dominate you, but loving our wives and caring for them is an exercise in humility, which is only comparable to loving our kids and caring for them. We have to put them first, before our own desires."

"Giving ourselves up for them, just as Christ gave himself up for the Church."

"And I believe you're discovering that marriage is going to be even more difficult than you imagined."

"I'm beginning to get that idea."

"Good," Father Nicholas said. "Now, before we bring Elizaveta in, I want to discuss with her what you and I talked about in confession."

"Accountability?"

"Yes. Given your past, you and I both know where the temptation will arise and what it will be. It won't be drugs or alcohol."

"I know," I replied. "And having used my weakness in that area as a very lame excuse in the past, I'm susceptible to doing so in the future."

"Exactly. As I said to you, that gave me a major pause, but I felt that you could and would overcome it. It was a matter of getting you into a position where you could be successful. Are you dealing with any temptation at this point?"

"Other than Elizaveta? No. And there is zero chance I'm going to act on any temptation."

"Zero?"

"Zero," I said firmly.

"Good. Let's bring in Elizaveta."

I got up and went out of the office to bring Elizaveta in so we could have our pre-marital counseling session.

"Mike explained your conversation," Father Nicholas said. "Recently, in confession, and he's given me permission to tell you this, we discussed accountability strategies..."

"He knows who he's accountable to, Father," Elizaveta interrupted. "And he knows that any error in that regard will result in his «яйца» (yaytsa) being removed." ("balls [Lit. 'eggs']")

I managed to not laugh, but Father Nicholas apparently could not help himself. He managed to stop quickly and cleared his throat.

"The point is, to ensure that is never necessary," Father Nicholas said, fighting more laughter.

"Which is why I made it clear what will happen," she said sweetly.

"What I was going to say," he continued, "was that with the stress of Mike's training, both in school and as a Resident, there will be many temptations — alcohol, drugs, and sex. I've suggested that in addition to confession, he develop a good male friend to whom he can talk and who can hold him accountable."

"I can do that," Elizaveta declared firmly.

"Yes, of course, but it's also the case Mike will need a good male friend, probably someone training to be a doctor, who is facing the same challenges. Between you, confession, and a male friend, he'll get through the trying times ahead."

"I think she's explaining what life will be like being married to a Russian woman," I chuckled.

"Oh, I got that picture quite clearly," Father Nicholas replied with a grin. "But I don't think either of you are THAT culturally Russian. You put on a good show for your friends, but in the end, you're American. Elizaveta's father is completely American as well."

"Russian blood, Father," I said, "and add to that a bit of chrism, and we may as well be sitting in a wooden church in the Ural Mountains!"

Father Nicholas laughed, "Maybe if you were at Holy Transfiguration and, please excuse the slight indiscretion, marrying Tasha, THEN it might be the case. But other than names and blood, how Russian is this parish?"

"Only a few traditions," I replied. "In fact, Elizaveta's grandfathers both call me 'Mike' and I know the bishop will likely ordain me as 'Deacon Michael', if my ordination to the subdiaconate is any indication."

"Whatever name passes his lips is what it will be, so you could be 'Deacon Barsanuphius', if the bishop was so inclined!"

"Fifty years in seclusion?" I asked, stroking my beard. "Barsanuphius of Gaza may have been on to something!"

Elizaveta smacked my shoulder hard, but she was also laughing.

"In all seriousness, has something like that happened?" I asked.

"Only once I'm aware of it," Father Nicholas replied. "The bishop, for whatever reason, chose to change the name of a young man who graduated from seminary without first consulting him."

"And the bishop's name? He says he was named Timofei?"

"And he was Father Timofei, as well. When he was elevated, he took the name 'ARKADY' in honor of Saint Arkady, a wonderworker and 'Fool for Christ', who helped found the Saints Boris and Gleb Monastery."

"I never heard that story," I said.

"Father," Elizaveta asked, "why would he change his name?"

"It had to do with his tonsuring as a monk," Father Nicholas replied. "An unmarried priest is not automatically a monk, but in our Archdiocese, all bishops are elected from the ranks of monastics. And a new name is common in such instances to signify a clear break from one's pre-monastic life. Usually, an abbot selects the name for the novice. And there are other times when new names are given, at least for ecclesiastical use. I'm sure you know that when non-Orthodox are brought into the Church, they select a patron saint, and that name is used in baptism, chrismation, confession, and at the Eucharist. In our jurisdiction, that's usually the end of it, though in ROCOR, converts often adopt their patron's name as the name they use in public as well."

"You know," I said, "I never thought to ask, but is your given name Elizabeth or Elizaveta?"